As stated in my previous posts, I have been my father's primary caregiver since the passing of my mom 21 years ago. I sacrificed and gave up so much to remain in my hometown. My father and I have also had a tense relationship and he has always put me down since I was a child and he still does. Last night, was the last straw. He told me that all of my struggles were my fault. Long story short, he does not seem to understand why I struggle financially. I retired two years ago and one of my main reasons was to be available for him. But I will be going back to work full time this fall and I want to move away. I even told him that I wish I had left years ago to have better opportunities and he said it is too late for me now. If I could afford to move soon, I would but I'm going to try to work towards doing so.
When people told my mom that she was going to live to be 100, she would say, “I hope not!” I think perhaps she would have felt differently if she had been in good health. She struggled as her Parkinson’s disease progressed.
That’s wonderful that you and your husband have relatively good health. I hope that you will continue on this path. 😊
Never too late 50 or 80 to start over or rather restart our lives post caregiving.
As somebody once wrote we owe to ourselves after caregiving to live the best possible lives. Think big!
When she turned 90, I said that I was going to put 90 candles on her cake. She said, “Oh honey, please don’t. I don’t think I have enough air to blow them out!” LOL 😆
Mom’s side has longevity. I have a cousin who is 100! She is still active. My great aunts and uncles lived until their late 90’s. Mom’s brother died at 96.
My mIl went back to grad school at 35 and got a PhD. My mom STARTED her undergrad work at 62, got her BS Summa at 82.
I don't think it's ever too late.
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So while not exactly starting over - the applecart flipped upside down and we had to turn it back over and rethink our entire life plan all at one time.
So heck yeah you can start over in your 50s.
You can start over until you can't. Which is when you no longer have breath in your lungs as far as I'm concerned. The stakes and options may not always be the same. But you can always learn and grow and change as long as your are alive.
You need to leave your Dad. He is tearing you down (constant criticism) rather than helping you grow. Yes, he doesn't understand you and on top of that, does not appear to be grateful for what you are doing for him.
You need to put procedures in place so that you can leave with a clear conscience:
1. How is he going to take care of himself? Is he going to hire caregivers or just live alone? Is he going to a senior living facility?
2. If something happens, like a fall, how will he contact someone for help? Is someone going to check in occasionally?
3. Who will be taking him to his appointments, or to get groceries? Does he take medications? Who will be ensuring that he takes his medication?
4. Does he cook? How will he get his meals?
5. How will he get done, what you help him do now?
These are just some of the things you will need to put in place. Once you leave, you only want to come back on planned, scheduled visits, if even that. He has already shown what damage he can do to you.
There are many, many people who have had to start their life all over at 60 and even 70 and 80. You can have a life that has less adversity than the life you have now. However, you need to make plans to gracefully exit the one you have and plan and have the confidence to do something different than what you are doing now.
Good luck to you!
I agree with Elizabeth. Your answers are always spot on. 😊
We hope to avoid moving although I realize that there are no guarantees. Our current residence is a single-story manufactured home in a "55+" community, very close to stores, our healthcare providers and other essentials. Our/my husband's adult children live in the area, but we're determined to avoid disrupting their lives to the maximum extent possible. There are several elder facilities locally, although we'd really rather make our Final Exits prior to needing them!!
Good luck with the sale of your home and relocation to a new condo. Smart move to wait on your pension to age 70. Wish I'd done the same with S/S.
You sound lovely. I bet you have a wonderful relationship with your children.
You’re kind, wise and considerate.
My friend took a leave from work to care for her sister with Down’s syndrome and dementia. She was paid a small amount of money serving as her sister’s caregiver.
She is in her late 50’s. She was able to resume working as a paralegal.
My husbands personality is...you don't tell him he can't do something because he is going to prove you wrong everytime.
My Dad was like yours always "you can't do that "
You go girl! Spread those wings and FLY
And do not look back!!!
I divorced when I was 60, worked until I was 73 and met someone when I was 71. We are still together looking forward to the future.
The most important thing is to look after your health and look after your finances. I only started saving for my retirement when I was 50 and I am comfortably off now partly due to working so long and building my pension.
You can do it. Yay for you moving away and going back to work. Your father is only saying it's too late to try to keep you there in the same role. He wants to control you. Cut the chains!
You will do the same!
50's is not too old, go for it, don't waste another moment.
Make a plan, and follow through!
So I sure hope to say it's possible.As the mom repeated in Moonstruck "It ain't over till it's over".
And you aren't starting over unless you died and found out it's all about reincarnation. You don't start over. You continue, and as you go you choose different paths (or not), you learn (or don't), you discard what wasn't working and gather in what will (or you don't).
We only had 6 years of happiness, remodeled the house, went to Maui 5 times...then he was diagnosed with Stage 4 colon cancer, given a year to live.
At 52, I was alone again and devastated. I met a new group of people and slowly made new friends, and they all still are friends 17 yrs later. I struggled financially, yet by 2018 (at age 64) I paid off all debt, and retired in my paid off house. It was a big comeback!
I was so bored, I got on the local Planning Commission for 2 yrs, then was asked to run for City Council in 2020 (at age 66), entirely financed by clean money donations. I got 6,000 votes and missed winning by only 700.
My 50s were amazing and not what I ever expected!
Don't think your life is over at 52! Whoever tells you that is jealous they aren't 52.
And please no more excuses as to why you can't work/leave. You deserve so much better than what you have put up with the last many years.
I still am not sure that you believe that as if you did, your last sentence wouldn't say, "If I could afford to move soon, I would but I'm going to TRY to work towards doing so." It would instead say that no matter what I am moving out and getting away from this unhealthy situation as I know that I deserve so much better.
There is power in words, so choose yours carefully and intentionally.
God bless you.