I was just there yesterday, (Tuesday), with all the supplies she needed. I'm not feeling well, & have decided to stay home (alone) on this holiday. It's going to be 8 degrees outside & the parking on holidays can be up to 2 blocks away. So I called to let her know that I was not coming for Thursday. At first she just said, that's okay, but later I got a voicemail accusing me of lying (about the weather & the parking thing so I could just avoid visiting her).
It's shocking to me that she would want to make me feel bad, when I still go there weekly, keep her bills paid, & am constantly shopping for something she "needs". I almost threw up after hearing the voicemail, cuz I knew she did it to hurt me. Just yesterday I was helping her make arrangements for dental work she wants done, & today I'm very confused. What could I do better? Or is this just a guilt trip again? Trying to live happy is hard these days, but I'm definitely thankful for everyone here.✌🙋
who abused you and still complains and guilt trips you. Wow.
Send a card or flowers for a holiday event if you can't attend and really feel like
marking the holiday for them. One thing that strikes me, is that abusive selfish
elders really don't care how their demands affect their adult children. Or how
the stress damages their adult children's relationships, finances, or health.
Something to keep in mind when sacrificing for people who burdened us in childhood and wish to do so again when many of us are struggling to prepare for retirement.
Another thing to remember as well. Many selfish or abusive elders will never be
satisfied regardless of our efforts. I remember once spending weeks living in a
roach motel to be there for my father's heart operation. He had a couple of
grifter friends show up for brief chats. And that's what he remembered. Not my
countless hours of help. Out of 2 weeks of 24/7 on call, by his bedside efforts,
he turned a 2 hour trip to the park, into me having a "nice vacation". Yep, living
at a hospital--better than the Bahamas don't you know.
Damned if you do, damned if you don't. Plan accordingly.
All well and good but its difficult when you've got an abusive or selfish elderly parent and you already doubt yourself.
Is it really fair for someone to neglect their own partner, kids just so you can boast to everyone that you "did everything you could" for the last few years of an elderly parents life?
Not for me sorry. I'll do anything (Within reason) for my Dad but its getting to the point where he tries to get me do things he wants because he PREFERS it this way when there are other way to achieve the same result which is MUCH EASIER for me.
If I don't visit often enough or tell him I cant visit he says "Well keep in touch then" as if I'm going to australia for 6 months.
If I even hint at a visit then he expects me there. No consideration of any outside influences. Come hell or high water I have to meet his needs.
I used to invite my Dad to our house for Xmas day. 30 mins drive each way so 1 hour round trip, then same again to take him home. He'd want collecting at 9am, I'd say no let me see the kids open the presents and he'd moan. When he got to our house, he'd expect my full attention. If I went off for 5 mins to play with the kids he'd sulk.
I'm not a drinker really but he'd say "You don;t mind picking me up do you and not having a drink, do you? You can have one later". Thanks for making that decision for me Dad.
He got ruder and ruder. Upset my family with his comments (he can't keep his opinions about things that are none of his business to himself). One year he criticised that we'd spent too much money on the kids.
Two years ago, he was convinced he was ill (he wasn't that bad and his doctor, hospital, various ambulance crew had told him so over the last few weeks). Played up totally when he came to us. It was obvious he was play acting. Then when I took him home - kept me there for hours threatening to call an ambulance because he felt like he wouldn't last the night - saw my 3 year old for about 2 hours that xmas day. (With hindsight I should have left him to get on with it).
So in the end I thought thats it. Brother lives a mile from him - I'd done this for 10-15 years every year. No more. He can come boxing day now and thats it.
You do what you can and that will have to be enough. I moved my father to a smaller apartment last week. I was there Monday afternoon and Tuesday afternoon. My normal visit is a quick one every 3-4 weeks and here I was there two days in a row for several hours at a time. His parting words to me on Tuesday were "you'll be back here tomorrow right?". You give an inch and they want a mile.
You try and help your mom out but not at the expense of your own life.
I've always had my parents over for Christmas eve and they would sleep over. Mom died in 2003 but Dad still did this. He is 91 one now and a lot of work. It is a job just having him over. He can barely make it up the two steps to get into my house so he would never get up a flight of stairs to the bedroom. I decided last year that he would only come over on Christmas day. Well you'd think the world was coming to an end. There was no way I could go through all the work to pick him up, wrangle him out of his AL room and into a car then take three of us just to get him into my house only to have to run him back there later and repeat early the next morning. How is this an enjoyable holiday for me if I exhaust myself catering to him.
This year I am concerned about him blowing through his money so I said maybe he should pass on giving Christmas gifts or at least cut back. He made the comment to me several times one day about how he wasn't sure we would want him there at Christmas if he wasn't giving gifts. I found it highly insulting he would say such a thing but I kept my mouth shut. Finally after the tenth time I just agreed with him.
My point is that when your mom said "well I guess I will just be alone that day", you should have said "yes it appears that way" and move on. She wants you to feel bad. You don't need to feel bad for doing something YOU want. She had other options, she just chooses not to do them. That is not on you. Hope you had a good trip.
Just a thought; the next time you go see her take her a small gift. I don't know if that will help, but worth a shot.
Hope you feel better & stay warm.
It isn't that she wants to make you feel bad. *She* is the one who feels bad - disappointed and hurt. Hence the bitter accusations in her nasty voicemail.
I do not mean that you should change your mind, take it all back, and walk barefoot to her house. Not at all. But rather than ring her up (I know you wouldn't do this anyway) and accuse her in return of spiteful ingratitude, acknowledge her disappointment and point out something else that she has got to look forward to to cheer her up again. Who will she have her TG dinner with? If nobody, what's next on the entertainments schedule?
If it doesn't work and she's still in a grump, never mind. You've done your best, you're in the right, and if she insists on sulking... just let her.
Stick to your guns and stay home. you don't feel well and there is no sense in walking around in that kind of cold. A hot toddy and warm blanket is my recommendation. If you feel really guilty send mom some flowers.
If you had just told her you were not feeling well and would not be there tomorrow as you need to day to rest and do not want to risk her getting ill, that would have been enough. By going into detail about weather and parking you gave her ammunition to attack.
You are allowed to tell her you will not listen to her abuse. You are allowed to delete voicemail when it is nasty without listening to all of it. You are allowed to hang up the phone, walk away etc, when she is mean.
You do not have to be at her beck and call. If you were dead, lived in another city, state, country etc, she would have to manage. If she runs out of something and it is not a day you planned to visit or shop, then she can wait or make other arrangements. You are not a slave to her 'needs'.
Keep up setting healthy boundaries. You will get push back, that is to be expected, but it will be worth your staying strong. It took 12 years of no contact with my father, for him to understand that I will not accept his crap. Dad acted up this summer and I reminded him that I would walk and never see him again. 3 years with my mother, after she betrayed my trust for the last time.
PS it also took me 3 years of intense therapy to recover from decades of abuse.
I would not insist that anyone come to visit me in 8 degree weather and where they have to walk a long distance. That's just too brutal. So, that tells me, that mother is not seeing things clearly.
I might make a mental list of all that you do and what is reasonable under the circumstances. Accept that you can't always please everyone, but, keep in mind that you have to set reasonable boundaries and be at peace with yourself. You are not a slave to others.
Plus, if you're not feeling well, you need rest and not going back into a facility where you might carry a bug to seniors.