Is it the time for me to resign from my work?

It's very stressful being a caregiver and having a challenging job. In my opinion, 37 years old is too young to quit your job to care for an elderly parent. You also have to think of yourself and how you'll be caring for yourself as a single person. Dementia only gets worse. There may come a point where you will not be able to care for her by yourself, even if you quite your job. You need help! Get connected with a social worker in your area who can discuss your mother's options with you. Perhaps you can put her in elder day care and/or get aides to come in to help. Since there is a house involved, you probably should speak with an attorney at some point. If she has to go into a facility. Make sure all of her paperwork is in order while she can still sign legal papers. She needs to set up power of attorney for legal and financial matters, a living will with her medical directives, a will (needed, because you have siblings), also many banks and financial institutions have their own POA forms, and you need to be on record with Social Security and Medicare to be able to speak on her behalf. You have two basic options: people to help with her care in the home and placing her in an assisted living facility. It will depend on how much care she needs, and what she can afford. You may have to sell the house if she moves to an assisted living facility.

You are suffering burnout. Caregiving is a demanding job. You also have a full time job. Doing both may be leaving you feel exhausted with not enough energy to give to anybody.

May I suggest that you need to expand the caregiving team. You and your sister need a few more helping hands - other family members, friends, members of faith community, paid help - to give you a little more "time off" daily and weekly from caregiving and working.

May I suggest that you use your "time off" to meet your needs. Get a thorough physical from your primary care doctor. Get your dental health check-up. Make sure you get plenty of rest (7-9hours), healthy meals, and exercise in sunlight. If these don't help to "recharge" your battery, then consider seeing a counsellor to work through issues that keep you from progressing.

It isn’t just income that you will be giving up but retirement in the future. Your pension, if any, would be smaller and your Social Security would also be smaller as it’s dependent on the number of years worked and how much you’ve contributed over the years. At your age you may not think about this now but when you are in your 60s or 70s you may wish you had continued working.

Hello Bintum

Congratulations to you on your Master degree!🎂👏🏾 .✅

You stated that you are doing the work you love;and with a “great agency” ✅

Sounds like to me that you are are living your LIFE on purpose.

Your Mom is blessed to have you has a caregivers ;as well as her youngest child.

Caregiving is a life changing experience which does need as many family members as possible to be involved. Especially working together as Mom life will change dramatically. Form my experience with my BF caregiving for his Mom of 88 years old. Dementia is rollacoster journey for family,friends,doctors,and all involved.

Can you take a leave of absent from work? Having some quality time and a limited amount of distractions will help you to “THINK” before making a major decision of quitting your job that you love ,and work hard to get.

Space from distraction has a way of letting you hear,and not feel with high emotions. Decisions should be a process weighting all options before making final decision. I have learned this!

I know you want the best life for your Mom ; but
you must must consider your needs first. Mom is pulling from you therefore you must take care of your soul,spirit,and your body!FIRST

Think first,journal,and pray to God the higher power for direction for all decision. “Trust in the Lord with all thy heart and lean not to thy own understand and in all thy ways acknowledge him and he will direct thy path. Proverbs 2:5,6

Stay will this web site;great resources and support.

Have a peaceful Day!

If you can, apply for a less stressful position. Whatever you do, do NOT quit entirely. Trust me when I say, I have seen some friends give up jobs to caregive and when the person passes their lives are ruined career wise. They have no money, no recent credentials upon which to fall back, and being over 40 can be a kiss of opportunity death.
Love your mother, care for her to the best of your abilities, and hire home care if she has some money to draw upon. If she is broke, all the better. Apply for Medicaid and she will qualify for caregiving, meds, etc.
I was in a similar position, now close to retiring. So I get the multiple stressors. Your siblings are burdening you because they are applying "singlism". That's the idea that an uncoupled, unchilded person should be the sacrificial person upon whom all burdens are placed. Nonsense. Your mother has several children. They need to pitch in. Advise them you will see an eldercare lawyer to decide what is best for your mom. They will perk up at that. You are not their default slave because you didn't spawn.

Don’t you DARE resign from your job!!!!! But DO resign from caregiving!!!

There is help and good news! You’re not alone as most of us here in position of years of caregiving…and resentment. You have the power to change your life for the better…instead of continuing to go down the dementia foxhole..with your mother. If you continue the “self destructive “ path, you will be fired from your current job, put on more pounds, never have a social life..& you will be abused by your mother. Dementia gets worse. My mother is 94 & I’m 62. I wish I was 37. I would do things so differently. I’m leaning towards placing my mother very soon as her agitation increases & now she don’t recognize me at all. You must NOT ruin your life anymore. Things are opening up & so is life. I just gave similar advice to another woman close in age to you. I told her not to make the same mistake I did. She wanted to not take a job opportunity in return for being a caregiver for her mother…

About me: Here I am 62 and still with my mother..94 with dementia..& getting worse every day. Career on hold ..never married & no children. I often wonder…how did I screw up so bad? Or sacrifice MY LIFE?!? I made my mother my life …my bad decision.

Take some time off with family leave to tour facilities.

If you want her to stay home, hire full time 24/7 live in caregivers. Get your own apartment.

If you stay home with her, she won’t let other caregivers touch her & will only want you to change her diaper.

HUGS 🤗

I am kind of in the same boat, so I sympathize. This forum helped me to realize that my mother and I will both have a better standard of living if I stay fully employed. Take some time off, get to know your local care homes, call and get tours for you and your mom to visit, work with her to become familiar, enlist family to help.
A new job at the moment could compound your troubles and may not offer the escape you are hoping for. It is awkward for them to let you go under FMLA, so get that protection if you have not already.

My gosh, I am so sorry to hear about your situation. You sound very caring and that you care a lot about you rmom.

The question coming up in my mind is whether your mother has much wealth or assets that will help you if you quit your job. So that you have something to fall back on. If she doesnt, then you wont be able to keep caregiving for her and I think you will need to put her in a care facility. Please please DO NOT do it yourself.

II am the same age as you and with a parent with advanced alzheimer's. I also have a demanding job and cannot afford to work. So I cant imagine that you can afford not to work. Unless as I questioned, whether your mother has lots of assets which you can use which will allow you to quit your job.

You really need to think about self preservation. Parents do not have kids to have them suffer, crash and burn. A parent wants their children to thrive and flourish, A good parent does anyway. I think you really need to look after yourself as the primacy focus.

You'll 100% destroy your own future if you quit your job to care for a parent.

What will you do for health insurance (assuming you live in the US)?

You'll have a massive gap in you work history when she dies.

Resign from being a caregiver, not from your job. Find her a facility.

Imho, definitely do not quit your job. Locate facility living for your mother.

You need to take a breath & arrange a family meeting. You & your family needs to understand that just because you live there does not mean you are automatically your mom's caregiver full-time. You are entitled to your own life & career as they are. You should be able to have your dream job. What plans did your mom make for this time in her life? Is she financially able to hire home caregivers? If she is, then you should also be compensated if you or your sister still offer care. Do you & your siblings need to consider going to an elder attorney for a consultation? Do you need to apply for Medicaid? Is it time for her to go to a memory care unit? Even if you don't want to place her, you as a family need to decide what's in her best interest. She would have fulltime care, interact with others, & be in a safe environment. All of her children could continue living their lives without the stress, lack of sleep, bodily injuries, burnout & resentment of each other for lack of help. You can each enjoy visiting your mom as much as you want & know that it was a family decision. This is if your mom is unable to make any decisions for herself. She should always be encouraged to do as much as she can for herself. Good luck in coming to a decision as a family. 🙏🙏💜💜

I was in this very same spot a month ago. I was ready to hang up the towel and take early retirement at 62 but that wouldn't pay me enough to cover my medical coverage. It's really hard to separate work and family in this situation. I sat down with my boss and described the pressure I was under. I didn't want to lose my job and they didn't want to lose me. It leaves the door open for Family Medical Leave of Absence which will come in the near future. I love my job but I couldn't be happy doing it with everything else going on. Just recently we have homecare coming in a few times a week and it's just enough to keep my mind on my job and off my worries. I've still got the task of running over to moms at any time I'm needed. Bills are being paid and cable isn't shut off no more but there's still that darn old tv remote that has a mind of its own! It's overwhelming how much you're taking on but quitting won't solve a thing. It would take any amount of freedom you have left. It's really important that you hang in there and keep posting!

"I don't want to put mom in a nursing home."

It isn't your decision. How many siblings do you have? What would you like them to do that they aren't doing (not including the sister who helps you). You won't be able to change them. But the one you can change is YOU.

The current situation is causing you great stress (rightfully so!). You are only 37, and canNOT sacrifice your health and your financial future to the altar of elder caregiving.

What is your mother's financial situation? Can she pay for a facility? Could she become Medicaid-eligible?

Please keep us updated.

No, no, no and no. Ageism is rampant in the workplace. I was a corporate lawyer so I saw it for decades. Once you are over 40, it is very very hard to get a job. These are your prime earning years. Does you mother have a fortune she will leave you so that you won't have to worry about working or money? If so, ok. If not, you need to earn as much as possible before you are tossed out in favor of cheaper younger labor - and it will happen. Do not give up your security and your ability to live in a safe home and buy food and pay for medical care. Keep working and saving as long as possible if you are not in line for an inheritance that will allow you to never worry about money again. Think of you first - you know that airplane advice: put on your own oxygen mask first.

It appears to me that you are ignoring your needs. You share that you have gained 30 pounds and that you feel stuck and exhausted as well as frustrated that there aren't more family willing to help with the burden. I would recommend you speak to a counselor of some sort because it is so easy to lose oneself in the care of others to the point that it is detrimental. Gaining excess weight, not getting good sleep, not eating well, and considering leaving one's employment are the warning signs that a person needs to reorder their priorities in order to reclaim health. Let's face it, it is really hard to maintain that balance of helping family yet protecting oneself. Best case scenario it's a running series of assessments and adjustments. Finding someone to use as a sounding board to help you with that would be really beneficial. Talking to them can provide the perspective that you need. It could be someone professional or it could be someone who has been through what you are going through...Just knowing that you have choices is of benefit. But you need to have a big picture with attendant goals for your life and career and your decisions need to support and protect those goals. You come first. Then, you do what you do for your mom. I was in deep in caregiving for my parents when I went on a special vacation (10 days in France!). It was the first vacation I took without family in 30 years, but that's besides the point. It took a tremendous amount of planning and preparation to be able to go away for that long because of my caregiving responsibilities. Anyway, being away gave me perspective. As I flew home, the dread of the intensity of my responsibilities for two elderly and infirm parents set in as I found myself imagining walking out onto the wing of the plane at 30,000 feet. Wow! I knew I needed to adjust my expectations of my role of caregiver right away. Without experiencing the last 10 days of relaxation, I might not have recognized how the stress was impacting me. My point is that before you do anything drastic like quit your job, I would recommend taking a week or two of respite from caring for your mom. Respite care for your mom is expensive but available most places (best case scenario) or care can be brought into the home. If home care is the answer, you need to stay somewhere else. Make a point of not thinking about anything to do with caregiving. Hit the reset button. Then, make your list of priorities and possible adjustments to your situation. You are 37 with a lot of living to do. Don't underestimate what your needs are. They are part of the equation.

There s a difference between a nursing home and an assisted living facility. In nursing homes-- sometimes poorly staffed especially now since the gov idiots pay 'em to stay home... in an ALF-- there are lots of things to do during the day rather than watch TV-- yes there is a TV room-- to be with your friends and watch old video and laugh with your friends. Dementia folks can watch the same over and over and still get a big kick out of it thinking they are seeing it for the very first time-- like the WIZARD OF OZ ! Then there is the entertainment director-- who is very talented-- all sorts of arts and crafts.. and an enclosed patio to garden on.
IF you think MOM is not gonna have a good time-- wrong-- she willhave a table full of friends to interact with 3 times a day at meals !
TO find a good one-- go there visit them at lunch time-- check out the food-- look for good well prepared food-- be prepared to pay for what you get.. check out the rooms... the size of them whether she'll be sharing one or if you can afford a private one. And of course meet one on one with the entertainment director--
DO this NOW -- do not wait til she declines further... she will want to be where she is safe-- unable to escape and get hurt and totally break your hearts.
SO stop thinking about how you feel-- do the right thing. Good luck,,, GOD bless you and your family.

Do NOT quit your job.
You are far too young to be caregiver to your mom.
And I bet if you had asked her 5 years ago if she would want you to give up all that you have worked for, gone to school for to care for her if she became ill I will bet you that she would have said under no circumstances should you do that.
With moms assets hire caregivers to come in and care for her while you are at work.
OR
Find a Memory Care facility where she will be cared for in a safe environment that was built for that purpose. (what changes will you have to have made in your current house to care for her when she can not go up stairs, walk into a shower, climb over the side of a tub to take a shower. Or get a wheelchair through a hallway or door way)
Placing mom in a MC facility may give her more stimulation, more activities than you or a caregiver can give if you are working. Can you get her involved in a game, take her to lunch or a ride in a van to see the color change in the fall?

(By the way, the weight gain you have had..I have blamed mine on COVID and am now calling it the COVID-19-21..was 19-20 last year!)
As far as freezing when applying for a job, everyone does that. It is difficult to make changes. It is nerves. Sorta like first day of school jitters.

Before you make ANY changes please consult with an Elder Care Attorney and make sure you have an idea what is in store, make sure you have all the paperwork you need.

If you were my daughter I would say to you...
Live your life. I will be alright. I do NOT expect YOU to care for me. MC or hired caregivers but I do not you to put your life on hold for me.

Do not quit your job, you are too young. It will wreck the social security benefits you will need to live on when you are old.
You will/may not have spousal income to help you if you choose not to marry.

Talk with an elder attorney to get your mother's affairs in order, advance directives, power of medical attorney, power of financial affairs, if she owns her home hospitals and care facilities could take it to cover (exorbitant) expenses, so it might leave you both homeless and without funds from its sale to purchase your own home. I cared for my father an toward the end I was so burned out we (my brother and I) put him in respite for a month. Part ( a week?)might have been covered by Medicare but his share was $6000 for that one month.

It might be possible and affordable to have 24/7 in home care to leave you free to work. If her funds don't cover this, look into all siblings splitting the costs.

You might consider billing her estate for the care you and your sister have provided already. Plunk that into you and your sister's own accounts after you pay taxes, social security etc. Consider a money making investment for the long haul.

If you choose to live in her house even with 24/7 aides, I don't think you should have to pay rent as you will, inescapable be a care manager for the care team.

I quit work at 62 to care for my parents in my home, drew from social security and another retirement account earlier which cost a loss of monthly benefits for the rest of my life. I am never married, so that's all there is. I'd probably do it again, because 1) I was toward the end of my career (maybe), and 2)
it was the right thing to do.

Above all, take good good care of your own physical and mental health. Walk every day, have someone you can talk honestly to because it's dark and darker at times.

Check with your EAP program at work, see if they have resources that might help. If your parents were in the military USAA might be an option for both your mom and you, they do more than just good insurance.

Blessings.

Don't quit but DO think ahead and plan now. If you "retire" you will be so far behind when you try to return back to the workforce that it would be a thousand times more challenging for you, if not impossible. Taking family leave time is a great idea, but only if you use the time to set your mother up financially and medically. That would entail having a good elder care attorney to prepare a durable Power of Attorney, Will/Trust, Healthcare Proxy, and any other processes needed to protect her assets financially. This is essential. Have your sister go with you so she can help with decisions. Next step would be to apply for in-home care. You can pay privately - but if mom's not rolling in dough - it will most likely drain ALL her funds as the years wear on. So while you're at the lawyers, be sure to talk about setting Mom up for Community Medicaid. Once you've taken these steps, get back to work and allow yourself to enjoy life - you are way too young to sit home as a 24 hour caretaker. Your heart's in the right place, but take it from experienced and older caretakers on this site, don't cut your life short by taking on this endless and stressful and emotionally draining job by yourself. Living a happy and productive life will be the best thing you do for yourself as well as your mom, because you will be able to give her the best parts of you. I wish you many blessings.

My dear soul - you see the writing on the wall but you don't want to read the words. You have succeeded so much in your life and your job - how many would love to have what you have achieved. Now due to your mother's mental illness, you are about to lose it all and for what. You cannot fix her, it is what it is and it will get worse. You can't eat your cake and have it too. I firmly believe and this is a perfect example - when the situation around you, like those with dementia and the burdens you must now carry, affect YOUR life and future, then YOU must decide. Do you want to be destroyed and lose it all and end up on the bottom of the heap or will you do something sensible and face the fact that this is YOUR time to live and YOU must come first. You either must get a full time caretaker for your mother or place her somewhere. There is no other choice. It is hard but you will regret it more if you don't care for yourself first. Don't wait - do it now.

I think you are too young to give up your career days for caretaking of your mom. Yes - hopefully some day we will all need nursing home care. 3 nurses @ 8 hour shifts. Plus supplies. You need to have your life, and she needs to have hers. Sounds like she is ready for that second nurse to come into her life. Days - while you are at work . And nights so you can sleep. That still leaves an 8 hour shift that you are doing after work before the night shift comes in.
9-5 work - mom needs help
5-9 you ?
9-5 overnight
Mom is lucky to have so much love around her - taking her into the future.

Caregiving is a 24/7 job. It's almost impossible to be a caregiver and work at your best, full-time.

If you love your job, don't quit. Instead find a great care facility or in-home caregiver for your mother.

Keep in mind that your mother is only going to get worse, not better. And, the caregiving is only going to get harder. It is better to find a facility now, than when things really go downhill.

Keep your job.

Hello Bint,
I have been taking care of my mother for almost 22 years and I did leave my job to care for her. It is a 24/7 job and it is exhausting at times, especially when I do not get enough sleep. Not taking real good care of myself, grabbing quick foods that are not the healthiest and stress from other family members plus all the other stress that goes along with caregiving caused me a serious health problem, but I am well now and making wiser choices, taking time for myself. I am glad you have support from your sister. It will get harder and get more stressful as your mom declines. I have help for the last 14 years of which I am very grateful. If I had to do over I would make sure I had long term disability insurance. I had it at the time I was young and healthy but cancelled.. Hire outside help. I did and had a very good high school student that was reasonable. I also hired a housekeeping service for 7 years. I got on a Foster Care program about 6 years ago to help with the expenses. I will be collecting soon my SS. I worked since I was 15 years old and my pension and SS limited. I would advice working at least part time or try to get a home based job if you want to care for your mom. I know many people who are working from home and make a good salary. You need some time for yourself, I would make sure you take some time for yourself to regroup. Maybe your sister can stay with your mom for a few days per week. You are extremely fortunate to have such a wonderful sister to help out. Have a family meeting and discuss future plans for your mom. I know both you and your sister want to keep your mom home and take care of her so I will not advice on other options. I have no regrets, but would plan better. It will be a long road ahead for all of you. It can work with help if you plan well. I wish you the very best.

I took care of my mom for 15 years, and the last 5 of those years demanded 24/7 care. Luckily I have a very understanding employer and let me work 4 hours a week and my best friend watched her while I was gone.

If you think you feel you are "losing it" now, being a full-time caregiver is ten times the stress. When my mom died, I had no sense of identity because every moment I had to care for mom so do that for YEARS and YEARS it depersonalizes and you no longer are your own, but a caregiver. Mom was 100% dependent on me including her insulin, changing diapers (about 7 times a day), and every Tues, Thursday and Sundays were bowel movement days. I had to induce bowel movements or she would get impacted -- what that means the stool is so hard and round it is like a baseball stuck in there and nothing can come out so it is an emergency room visit to disimpact her. That is why I kept a strict bowel schedule. Feeding tube in the end. She lasted 90 years, 3 months. Alzheimer's did not kill her--but the complications of diabetes and kidney and liver diseases. Mom died comfortably, without discomfort in her own home...at sacrifice to myself. At 60 years old I am forced to "start over".

You need to find out what kind of dementia she has. Lewy body is much more aggressive. You should plan on nursing home placement and get her Medicaid ready which means a visit to an eldercare attorney. With Lewy body, she won't last long. And get prepaid funeral arrangements. Estate planning.

JOBS ARE HARD TO GET. Don't blow it. Keep your job, but you may want to take a leave of absence under the Federal Family and Medical Leave Act (FMLA) to get things sorted out and organize estate planning, prepaid funeral/cremation, or if you cannot afford a funeral/cremation have her body donated to science which is 100% free including cremation, transportation and death certificate.
There are many services that do that, such as https://www.sciencecare.com

I hope your family helps you with these arrangements instead of leaving it all up to you.

When she dies, the money will cut off. Instantly. But the bills never stop. If you quit you will greatly regret it later.

I hope this helps

It’s time to place your mother. It’s the only logical option for someone your age and in your situation. You will regret quitting later.

Hello, I too am a working caregiver. I am single, only 63, I enjoy my job and, I am a home owner with no interest in retiring. Mom is 87, has Alzheimer's and has been living with me for the last 4 years. Have you looked into home aide services? Before the pandemic, I used home care aides. A good option but very expensive for the full time hours I needed them while I work in office. But they can come in for a few hours if not needed for full day. For over a year now, my company has most of the workforce working from home. I have been blessed to set a routine to combine work and attending to Mom. She is comfortable watching TV in her room during her "relax" hours. Check your local area for organizations that assist caregivers with financial aid they call Respite aide and are funded by annual govt grants. They can also assist other ways as needed. Perhaps you have type of job that can allow you to work from home. My work computer set up on my dining room table includes computer, 3 monitors, keyboard, mouse and, headphones. Oh, I am on anti depressents to as my Dr said help "take the edge off". I never knew how many others were taking them until I started. They help a great deal. You can also check talking with a therapist. Your employee insurance should cover it. I hope any of these suggestions help you. God bless you.

The fact that you love your work is an important consideration, and is a reason to keep working. If you had said you hated your job, that would have been an additional factor on the other side of the equation. However, here are a few questions, from a financial perspective, that need to be considered:

1) Are you already at a point at which you are independently wealthy or close to it? If not quite, are you at least at a point at which a fairly minimal source of income (either from your mother and/or from siblings) would enable you to maintain your current financial position?

2) If the answer to #1 is no or "not quite" then does your mother have sufficient financial resources such that if/when she had to go into a nursing home, she could afford to do so, and her financial resources would outlast, let's say, at least a decade (or at least what is a reasonable prognosis for her condition) such that there would be a substantial inheritance (even after division among siblings)? Do you know your mother's financial situation, and has anything ever been discussed about what assets she has or what she intends to do with them? If so, do you, your mother, and siblings get along well enough that this situation is not likely to change?

3) You are single without children at age 37. Are you hoping to get married and/or hoping to have children, or do you plan to remain as you are? If you plan to stay as you are, your own financial needs are somewhat more predictable (assuming, of course, that you remain healthy and independent for a long time).

4) What is your housing situation? Depending upon your lifestyle and desires, this could have considerable impact when considering various options.

I would first ask if I could work part time before quiting.

But if you can afford to quit work and you and your mom get enough income in to pay the bills then that would be an option.
BUT, it is Very Very Very hard being a 24 7 Caregiver which you will become once you quit work.

At least going to work is an out for you right now, I think you should do whatever is best for you.
If you don't care fir yourself, no one will.
Start with working Part Time if that's not possible then change jobs.

Also, sign up at a gym and start working out, you will feel better once you loose the weight that all the stress has brought.

Prayers

You are so young for this journey with your mom. I’m sorry. I hate to see you quit your job. I retired at 62 way before I wanted to, but the stress was too much. Are there other options you could try first? Like getting help watching your mom, changing positions at work to a less stressful job, going to part time work temporarily, moving Mom to assisted living. At 37, how will you be able to love without income? Best wishes

It’s time for professional help. Get some counseling, take advantage of your EAP at work, and look to place your mom in a facility. I had to go on antidepressants for a period of time until I got back to my baseline functioning. No shame in that. I was experiencing high levels of depression and anxiety due to my role as a caregiver.

I recently moved my mother from AL to a nursing home and it was the best decision I made. The nursing home has really managed her care better than any other option I tried.

If you resign from your job, you will have a gap in employment and income. You need to insure that you are saving for your own retirement and future. You need to be able to enjoy your life. You say you love your field and work for a great agency. Don’t use this situation as an excuse to fail. Resigning from your job won’t help your mood long term or make your mother’s care easier. You need to plan for a life beyond your role as a caregiver. Resigning won’t make it easier to re-enter your career in the future. Your mother will only continue to decline. Set strong boundaries. Therapy can help you do that.