Is it unethical to send my grandma to a nursing home?

Try to understand and practice self-care. I’m sure you hear that a lot. I was in a VERY similar situation at 30 and it felt like the world was on my back waiting for my decision as everyone else had jumped ship and either my amazing and beautiful grandmother die in a foreign place with no one she knows or at very least I stand by her and make sure she knows she is loved, when the time comes. She was put on hospice. I had little time and I’m sharing this with you because sometimes it’s difficult to see the beauty in these difficult decisions. She had Alzheimer’s and Parkinson’s. My heart bled for her. She BEGGED me to prevent from being put in a nursing home. My mother found a “home” but it was awful and mom didn’t visit her. I made the decision to bring her to our state and I tried to care for her at home but I didn’t have the strength and at times she felt lost and confused — new environment and people. So I admitted her to a nursing home not too far from my house. Doctors expected her to live a max of 90 days and four years later, she moved on to her afterlife. The reason for the long story is not to laud myself but to show my empathy toward what you’re dealing with and to tell you the last words my grandma told me were “thank you for bringing me here” A gift I can hardly imagine coming from her when she struggled to put two words together let alone the whole sentence that meant the world to me.

My point to you is you have the weight of the world and you can only do what you can do. Period. Trust yourself and know that you’re doing this for the good of your grandmother who cannot ever be replaced. Visit her often and let your goals be for her to know she is loved when she passes. And give yourself a break. This time is stressful but you will miss it so.

Wishing you self care and God Bless for being the person in your family who can take on the world.

This old post came up because the OP did an update yesterday. Her grandmother died last week under hospice care.

When the amount of care that is required by someone exceeds your ability it is not "unethical" to search out another means of care. That could be hiring a caregiver, or moving to a community that has the care level needed. That could be Assisted Living, Memory Care or Skilled Nursing.
Each of these places have staff 24/7 that are trained to care for someone.
What would be "unethical" would be to continue to try to care for someone when it is no longer safe for you to do so. And that would be safety aspects for You as well as the person you are caring for.
If grandma is not following through with treatments for the cancer she would be a candidate for Hospice and Hospice might be able to help navigate the quagmire of paperwork. And they might be able to fast track any applications.

Your grandmother should enter care now. She has had her life and you at early 20s are just starting your life. You Mom cannot care for her nor can your Sister and you SHOULD NOT. You have a right to your own life. You may "grieve" that she must enter care, but you cannot fix the world, this is not your fault, and you should not bear any guilt. Your Aunt should apply for Medicaid if she has no funds. Your Mother should do that; it isn't your responsibility. Your Mom's home is an exempt assets, though it sounds she is going to lose it for non payment of taxes in any case.
I wish you good luck. You have a right to your own life. Please put the burden in this where it belongs, on your Mom's next of kin, her daughter. She recognizes that Mom should enter care now,and she should assist in doing that. I hope she is POA. If her Mom has dementia, it is too late to make her daughter her POA.

Update: (7/8/22) Hello everyone I am 21 now. It’s been quite some time since my last update. Unfortunately, this will be my last one.

While my grandma was still in rehab back in May, the drs told us that she was diagnosed with dementia and that her cancer was spreading rapidly. The chemo was not working and they estimated she would have six months left to live.

So my grandma’s sisters made the decision to take her out and put her on hospice. My grandma passed away last week, after only being three weeks on hospice. My mom is still figuring out her financial affairs

I am okay so far . I know now that she is in a better place. I remember a few days before she passed and she was still able to talk the last thing I told her was that she was the life of the party. She smiled and softly croaked, “…. I still am.”

Update (2/4/22): Hi everyone . Can’t believe it’s a new year already. I have some very important updates.

At the beginning of January, about four weeks after my grandma was admitted into the hospital, I called 911 after my grandma fell in the restroom and hit her head on the bathtub. Her legs were very weak. EMT rushed her to the hospital and her head was okay. It turns out the stomach bacteria came back so they admitted her in the hospital for the third time.

The drs finally agreed that it would be best for her to be looked after by professionals 24/7. On 1/10/22, my grandma was admitted into a rehabilitation facility. She’s getting better and learning to walk again. I do not know how much longer she will stay there but I think she will be released soon because she needs to finish her chemo.

Also, I started university already and I found a place near campus so I’m doing okay. When my grandma is released she will live with my mom for a bit and then we can go through the home health agency route again.

Thank y’all sm

Good for you and good for grandma! She wants you.to live your life and prepare for your future. Some don't which makes it very hard on the young person. Sometimes even the parents don't understand the importance of the young person to get themselves established.

Go to university, go to a new home near campus, go and study hard and make new friends. This is your life now go live it and don't turn back.👏👏

Thanks so much for updating us! I am very glad to hear you are transferring to university in January. Congratulations!

Your grandma is right to reassure you that you should go and live near campus. It’s time to spread your wings. You will make her proud. 😊

Update (12/22/2021): Hi everyone I know it’s only been a few weeks since my last update but a lot has happened since then.

Last week, I called 911 after my grandma was dehydrated from what we thought was bad side effects from chemo. She ended up catching a really bad stomach bug. She was in the hospital for six days.

Shes home now but she’s very weak. She fell in the shower with the provider yesterday and the provider had to call the fire dept because my grandma is very heavy. She has to be in a wheelchair now.

The home health agency approved the increase in hours so two providers are going to come 36 hours a week now. Plus they approved home delivered meals for my grandma.

When my grandma was in the hospital, I asked the social worker if we can send my grandma to rehab or a skilled nursing facility since her legs are so weak. The social worker said it’s up to the dr but it’s not likely to happen because my grandma is too weak from chemo to do rehab. She needs to be off chemo before she can do rehab. She said no to the nursing facility just because she has cancer. I thought it was strange but there was nothing else I can do.

My grandma finishes her last chemo in February, then after that her dr will decide if she’s ready to undergo surgery to remove whatever’s left. And then she’ll be in remission if all goes according to plan. Her oncologist says that she is doing really good.

I finally transferred from community college to a university and I start in January. I wanted to live near campus but I don’t know if I’m making the right choice to leave with my grandma being so weak. She said she wants me to live my life and that she’ll be okay by then.

I wanted to thank everyone for taking the time to listen.

Ng, you updated us : "Thank you. It is now December so I thought I would give an update.

We hired a provider from a home health agency that comes three times a week. My mom changed her mind about the nursing home because it’s the holidays.

However, the provider is somewhat unreliable and her other patient asked for more hours so we’re back at square one again basically. My job fired me because I constantly had to leave work early.

Im by myself with my grandma most of the time and it has taken a toll on me. I have thought about moving out but I feel so guilty."

This is madness. You, a 20 year old, should not be made to jeopardize your future because your mom can't get a reliable aide. The agency should be finding a new aide.

I get that you feel grief ( not guilt) over the fact that grandma is old and frail and needs more care than can be given at home.

BUT truly, you must stand up for yourself and your future. Tell mom to arrange care NOW.

Send your grandmother to a nursing home or, ideally, a hospice. Why do you feel that would be wrong? She needs skilled care from people who know what they're doing.

But I'm sorry, I don't mean to be unkind - you're 20 years old and you ought not to be having to cope with this alone. I'm not surprised you feel overwhelmed. Do you think your grandmother understands, or wants to understand, what is happening to her?

With elder care, all options are on the table and all are viable.

She needs care. It has to be provided by someone, somewhere. Doing it all yourself is a recipe for disaster, on so many levels. Getting in home care for some period of time a day would be helpful but might not be enough to really matter. Placement in an appropriate facility is a valid consideration and when it is needed, then that becomes a valid option. Some will judge. Screw 'em. Do what is best for you and your family. You have to look at the big picture.

For me, my mom's needs are not yet severe enough to warrant placement. But soon enough (maybe next week) they will be enough to have at the least a companion hired to help her with med reminders and meal prep, etc. I can't always be here and am not giving up anything more to do more for her. I feel like that sounds *itchy but that's how I feel.

Please, please consider your grandma's care - from what you say she really needs professional care as this disease develops. Adequate pain relief for sure. IMO unless you have medical t raining, you have to think if you could provide the best care for her, no matter how willing. All too often, there are no good answers, just the best plan under the circumstances. I think your mom is right.

Have you considered that grandma could pay to have caregivers some in and help out?
Have you thought of contacting Hospice? they would have a Nurse come 1 time a week. A CNA would come at least 2 times a week to help her bathe and to order supplies. All the equipment that you would need would be provided. Hospice will also be able to have Volunteers come in and spend time with grandma, some will even do light housework.
A "nursing home" or Skilled Nursing facility is not giving up. It is realizing that you can not do everything for grandma that needs to be done. ONE person can not do it all.
Most Skilled Nursing facilities are a far cry from what a nursing home was 20 or more years ago.
After taxes are paid would the sale of the house be enough to pay for her care? And an application for Medicaid could be started.

You are never 'wrong' to consider a nursing home when you have your grandmother's best interest at heart. You can't care for her single handedly, that's impossible, so there aren't any other alternatives. Some people have attached such a terrible stigma to nursing homes that we feel guilty even thinking about sending a loved one off to such a 'house of horrors'. The reality, however, is something quite different if you look around and find a highly rated Skilled Nursing Facility to place grandma in. My mother was in such a SNF in 2019 for rehab after a hospital stay and I (and she) were very pleased with the quality of care she got while there. In fact, I will be applying for Medicaid this summer to get her placed there permanently if she's still alive. She currently lives in a Memory Care Assisted Living Facility but her money is running out to private pay. I don't feel guilty about this, and I don't feel guilty about her living in AL and Memory Care since 2014 b/c the scope of her care is out of the realm of what I'm capable of. Teams of caregivers work around the clock to provide the care for these elders that WE think we can do alone? Think about that for a moment when you're feeling guilty!

There will be people who come here to this forum precisely TO make you feel guilty and tell you to keep grandma at home, at any cost, and to bring in full time caregivers 24/7 which most people cannot afford to do. Disregard those comments and focus on those that give you comfort and those that come from people who are in the same boat as you are, who have loved ones in managed care and can attest to the fact that their loved ones are healthy, safe & well cared for. My mother is almost 95 and alive precisely BECAUSE of the good care she gets in MC!

Consult with an Elder Care attorney about grandma's home, the taxes due, and that whole situation, and how to go about applying for Medicaid. S/he can guide you accordingly.

Make sure to tell grandma you will help her get set up in the SNF and bring along her favorite items from home. That you'll visit her frequently and call her on the phone, etc. That you're not 'abandoning' her, just sending her to where nurses can care for her properly 24/7, that you are not qualified to do that on your own. It's not safe for her to live w/o full time care, and that's a fact.

Wishing you the best of luck with a difficult situation. Sending you a hug and a prayer for peace with whatever decision you make and however this turns out.

IMHO, grandma needs to be carede for elsewhere. She may qaulify for Medicaid and that would cover her expenses. I don't know how to start going about doing this--but others will chime in and tell you exactly how to do it.

If Grandma has a home, then she has some money. No, you probably don't want to be forcced to sell the house, but it likely will have to happen.

Sorry about the absent family, that's actually the norm. Her siblings are not responsible for her and probably have ghosted her b/c they do NOT want to be involved. They are also elderly, probably and dealing with their own problems.

And, no, it's not the least bit unethical to put Gma in a NH. It's actually probably the best thing you can do at this point. 24/7 from you will burn you up in a hot minute.

You're 20--Grandma is late 70's--she could easily live 20 more years. You do NOT want to be dealing with this in your 40's and life has passed you by.

Your too young to take on This responsibility. You need to get your education. Find a nursing home that accepts Medicaid and place her in the nursing home.

Absolutely not unethical! You are getting grandma the care she needs that you cannot give her. You love her enough to make sure she has the care she requires. You did the right thing.