Is it unethical to send my grandma to a nursing home?

Update (2/4/22): Hi everyone . Can’t believe it’s a new year already. I have some very important updates.

At the beginning of January, about four weeks after my grandma was admitted into the hospital, I called 911 after my grandma fell in the restroom and hit her head on the bathtub. Her legs were very weak. EMT rushed her to the hospital and her head was okay. It turns out the stomach bacteria came back so they admitted her in the hospital for the third time.

The drs finally agreed that it would be best for her to be looked after by professionals 24/7. On 1/10/22, my grandma was admitted into a rehabilitation facility. She’s getting better and learning to walk again. I do not know how much longer she will stay there but I think she will be released soon because she needs to finish her chemo.

Also, I started university already and I found a place near campus so I’m doing okay. When my grandma is released she will live with my mom for a bit and then we can go through the home health agency route again.

Thank y’all sm

You are never 'wrong' to consider a nursing home when you have your grandmother's best interest at heart. You can't care for her single handedly, that's impossible, so there aren't any other alternatives. Some people have attached such a terrible stigma to nursing homes that we feel guilty even thinking about sending a loved one off to such a 'house of horrors'. The reality, however, is something quite different if you look around and find a highly rated Skilled Nursing Facility to place grandma in. My mother was in such a SNF in 2019 for rehab after a hospital stay and I (and she) were very pleased with the quality of care she got while there. In fact, I will be applying for Medicaid this summer to get her placed there permanently if she's still alive. She currently lives in a Memory Care Assisted Living Facility but her money is running out to private pay. I don't feel guilty about this, and I don't feel guilty about her living in AL and Memory Care since 2014 b/c the scope of her care is out of the realm of what I'm capable of. Teams of caregivers work around the clock to provide the care for these elders that WE think we can do alone? Think about that for a moment when you're feeling guilty!

There will be people who come here to this forum precisely TO make you feel guilty and tell you to keep grandma at home, at any cost, and to bring in full time caregivers 24/7 which most people cannot afford to do. Disregard those comments and focus on those that give you comfort and those that come from people who are in the same boat as you are, who have loved ones in managed care and can attest to the fact that their loved ones are healthy, safe & well cared for. My mother is almost 95 and alive precisely BECAUSE of the good care she gets in MC!

Consult with an Elder Care attorney about grandma's home, the taxes due, and that whole situation, and how to go about applying for Medicaid. S/he can guide you accordingly.

Make sure to tell grandma you will help her get set up in the SNF and bring along her favorite items from home. That you'll visit her frequently and call her on the phone, etc. That you're not 'abandoning' her, just sending her to where nurses can care for her properly 24/7, that you are not qualified to do that on your own. It's not safe for her to live w/o full time care, and that's a fact.

Wishing you the best of luck with a difficult situation. Sending you a hug and a prayer for peace with whatever decision you make and however this turns out.

Absolutely not unethical! You are getting grandma the care she needs that you cannot give her. You love her enough to make sure she has the care she requires. You did the right thing.

Ng, you updated us : "Thank you. It is now December so I thought I would give an update.

We hired a provider from a home health agency that comes three times a week. My mom changed her mind about the nursing home because it’s the holidays.

However, the provider is somewhat unreliable and her other patient asked for more hours so we’re back at square one again basically. My job fired me because I constantly had to leave work early.

Im by myself with my grandma most of the time and it has taken a toll on me. I have thought about moving out but I feel so guilty."

This is madness. You, a 20 year old, should not be made to jeopardize your future because your mom can't get a reliable aide. The agency should be finding a new aide.

I get that you feel grief ( not guilt) over the fact that grandma is old and frail and needs more care than can be given at home.

BUT truly, you must stand up for yourself and your future. Tell mom to arrange care NOW.

Thanks so much for updating us! I am very glad to hear you are transferring to university in January. Congratulations!

Your grandma is right to reassure you that you should go and live near campus. It’s time to spread your wings. You will make her proud. 😊

Update: (7/8/22) Hello everyone I am 21 now. It’s been quite some time since my last update. Unfortunately, this will be my last one.

While my grandma was still in rehab back in May, the drs told us that she was diagnosed with dementia and that her cancer was spreading rapidly. The chemo was not working and they estimated she would have six months left to live.

So my grandma’s sisters made the decision to take her out and put her on hospice. My grandma passed away last week, after only being three weeks on hospice. My mom is still figuring out her financial affairs

I am okay so far . I know now that she is in a better place. I remember a few days before she passed and she was still able to talk the last thing I told her was that she was the life of the party. She smiled and softly croaked, “…. I still am.”

IMHO, grandma needs to be carede for elsewhere. She may qaulify for Medicaid and that would cover her expenses. I don't know how to start going about doing this--but others will chime in and tell you exactly how to do it.

If Grandma has a home, then she has some money. No, you probably don't want to be forcced to sell the house, but it likely will have to happen.

Sorry about the absent family, that's actually the norm. Her siblings are not responsible for her and probably have ghosted her b/c they do NOT want to be involved. They are also elderly, probably and dealing with their own problems.

And, no, it's not the least bit unethical to put Gma in a NH. It's actually probably the best thing you can do at this point. 24/7 from you will burn you up in a hot minute.

You're 20--Grandma is late 70's--she could easily live 20 more years. You do NOT want to be dealing with this in your 40's and life has passed you by.

Update (12/22/2021): Hi everyone I know it’s only been a few weeks since my last update but a lot has happened since then.

Last week, I called 911 after my grandma was dehydrated from what we thought was bad side effects from chemo. She ended up catching a really bad stomach bug. She was in the hospital for six days.

Shes home now but she’s very weak. She fell in the shower with the provider yesterday and the provider had to call the fire dept because my grandma is very heavy. She has to be in a wheelchair now.

The home health agency approved the increase in hours so two providers are going to come 36 hours a week now. Plus they approved home delivered meals for my grandma.

When my grandma was in the hospital, I asked the social worker if we can send my grandma to rehab or a skilled nursing facility since her legs are so weak. The social worker said it’s up to the dr but it’s not likely to happen because my grandma is too weak from chemo to do rehab. She needs to be off chemo before she can do rehab. She said no to the nursing facility just because she has cancer. I thought it was strange but there was nothing else I can do.

My grandma finishes her last chemo in February, then after that her dr will decide if she’s ready to undergo surgery to remove whatever’s left. And then she’ll be in remission if all goes according to plan. Her oncologist says that she is doing really good.

I finally transferred from community college to a university and I start in January. I wanted to live near campus but I don’t know if I’m making the right choice to leave with my grandma being so weak. She said she wants me to live my life and that she’ll be okay by then.

I wanted to thank everyone for taking the time to listen.

Good for you and good for grandma! She wants you.to live your life and prepare for your future. Some don't which makes it very hard on the young person. Sometimes even the parents don't understand the importance of the young person to get themselves established.

Go to university, go to a new home near campus, go and study hard and make new friends. This is your life now go live it and don't turn back.👏👏

Your too young to take on This responsibility. You need to get your education. Find a nursing home that accepts Medicaid and place her in the nursing home.