I am a male only child who has cared for my mother since my father passed away in 2000. I was only 43 at the time. She was clinically depressed and agoraphobic when he died. She couldn't drive due to seizures, so I was her only connection to the outside world. I eventually got her to get out and enjoy being with people. She had TIA's and epileptic seizures for years, and I rushed home every time to make sure she was okay.
We moved her from her home into independent living in 2006. She lived there until November 2017 and she loved it. When she was no longer able to take care of herself we moved her to assisted living. She has always relied on other people for her well-being. She has called frequently to say she pushed the button on her pendant for service and no one has responded.
My mother has been in hospice for over a year but has now begun the end-of-life transition. I visited her today and she wasn't aware that I was there. She is 89 and has been quite comfortable up until this time.
I feel exhausted after looking out for her for almost 21 years. I think I've been a good son because she has always been well taken care of. I have no guilt. I called my female cousin today, who is very close to my mother, to tell her the end it near. She was bawling but I couldn't seem to muster a tear. Is it wrong that I feel numb now that she is at the end of her life?
First I want to give you a hug. You have fought the good fight. You have been a great ally for your mom and in spite of your numbness, you are going to miss your mom.
I too was numb when my mom died. I did not even want to help with her services or attend her funeral but my family insisted and I was too tired to resist. The exhaustion will be with you for awhile. How long I can’t say. My mom has been gone for six years and I’m still tired but I have my DH aunt still. My wish is that you give yourself all the time you need. The tears will come when you least expect them if you are like me or perhaps not at all. It’s okay either way. There is no rush. We each grieve in our own way. No right or wrong.
I am very sorry for your loss.
Love is an active verb. You loved your mother by caring for her. Tears don't "prove" your dedication or make your love for her more valid. Allow your grief to unfold in its own way.
My Mom opened her arms to our friends. And some didn't have it so easy at home. She treated them just like her own. So when one of these friends mention how good she was and that her home was a safe place to fall, I cry.
So, don't worry about the numbness. Its a safety mechanism. When the tears come you will be alone and will have a hard time shutting them off.
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