My dad is 90 years old with severe mobility issues and needs 1-2 person assist with most if not all of his ADLs. My wife and I are working constantly and are not able to support him at home. My dad has been living rent free, in my house for the past 20 years, in California. He has been pretty independent up until now but recently had 2 falls and is now situated in a LTC nursing home. He is still mentally competent but suffers from separation anxiety and depression. We visit him every day but he still says this is not enough and demands for more attention. My brothers and sisters come as visitors but are unwilling to contribute financially to hire a private caregiver or are unwilling to volunteer their hours despite us offering to open up our house to them. They also have very strong opinions urging me and my wife to bring dad back to our home even after we have expressed that we cannot look after him with our work schedule and without proper help from family or private caregivers.
I understand that in the state of California, if you are still mentally competent, you can check yourself out of a nursing home, but what if there is no safe discharge plan? Can my dad legally force himself back into my home against my wishes? Do I legally have to quit my job to take care of him at home?
First, DO NOT quit your jobs in order to care for him. You are under no obligation to do that and it will likely negatively impact your future.
Second, your siblings are under no obligation to financially support or give up their time to care give. Do not expect them to. Respectively, they have absolutely no right to tell YOU what to do with your money or time. You simply tell them you do not have the resources or ability to take care of dad at home anymore. whether they like that response or not, too bad, that is the way it is and the way it's going to be unless they want to take him home with them.
Third, you also tell that to the discharge planner and social worker. Your father would be unsafe at home and you are unable to provide the support he needs.
If it got to the point where dad checks himself out and appears at home, you call 911 at the first opportunity.
This is exactly what I will tell them.
I understand that my siblings are not obligated to financially support or give up their time to care give - this was just an option for them since they had such strong opinions about taking dad back to my house.
They also will NOT be telling me or my wife how to handle our money or time. Since the house is under our name and we have been paying mortgage payments over the years, nobody but us should have the right to dictate who lives or doesn't live here. In my dad's case, if my wife and I were able to care for him properly, of course I would have him come back home. However, the fact is that my dad needs 24/7 help with transferring from bed, going to the bathroom, microwaving food, and walking around. It is just something that me or my wife cannot sustain without quitting our jobs. My siblings act like we have resented dad all of these years and have been wanting to get rid of him from the house when this is NOT the case at all. I love my dad but I also have to be realistic about what I can provide and what he needs even if he is in a place he does not want to be.
I also feel that our relationship with dad is between us and him. Their opinions should not matter if all they are going to do is be manipulative and spiteful. We will continue to console dad and keep to our word about visiting him daily while advocating for him in the nursing home. I cannot speak to what my siblings will do but I hope they will at least visit dad often out of their own love for him and knowing about his separation anxiety.
Just in case though, I just wanted to reach out to the community to see if my siblings or dad had any legal basis to return dad to my house against my wishes due to an unsafe environment.
If you and or your wife can not care for him then the facility can not discharge him to "home"
You need to make it VERY clear to your father as well as to Social Worker, Discharge Planner. You need to be loud and clear when you say the following. " I CAN NOT SAFELY CARE FOR MR."SMITH" AT MY HOME."
The problem that might come up is that he has been living there and it is his established residence you might have to have him legally evicted if he pushes it. But I doubt that a facility will release him to a place where he can not be cared for.
The option might be if dad pays for 24/7 caregivers.
If dad is a Veteran it is possible that the VA may have options for either helping with care of he may be eligible for other help,.
My dad is on medi-cal and only receives maybe around $800 per month from SSI as his only income. I do not have control of his finances but based on this, I assume that he does not have enough to pay for 24/7 caregivers at home. He is also not a veteran.
You are clear that you can't do it anymore. You've been generous in the past, and if your siblings are pushing it on you again, they are thoughtless, manipulative, rude, and inconsiderate.
Unfortunately, dad is one of those parasitic parents who seems not to have planned for his old age. Stand firm and don't participate. You and your wife have done more than your fair share.
I wish you luck.
We have tried our best over these past 20 years to care for my dad as much as possible. We love him and will continue to always be in his life. Unfortunately, I have a complicated family dynamic and there are some of my siblings who I will just never see eye to eye with. They do not understand the reality of the situation and it just sometimes pains me to have to explain to them and my dad that my wife and I are human as well and cannot safely care for dad anymore with his 24/7 needs to complete ADLs.
My take is this:
Dad has two tasks in front of him.
- Downsize his living, from. From your/his home to his new room.
- Adjust to his new situation. That includes acceptong the reality of frailty, of 'downsizing' his expectations of what family can do.
For you & your wife, firmy place hats marked Common Sense on your heads.
If Dad requires 24/7 care but this cannot be provided in his current home, by yourselves or by others - this option is now closed. An alternative home must be found (which it has been).
That is the reality.
Feelings about this reality are all valid. Sadness, anger, grief.
The 20 YEARS of home & help was a wonderful gift. Of accomodation, love, support.
The accomodation no longer suits his needs - but love & support can still be given.
Since he has been at the SNF, we have been trying to get a psych evaluation for my dad to formally diagnose his underlying anxiety and depression. In the hospital, there was documentation from the hospitalist about suicidal thoughts from his severe back pain. Recently, he has expressed depressive thoughts even after his pain had been somewhat controlled. As for his anxiety, he definitely has separation anxiety from what the nurse told me whenever me and my wife leave the facility. He always requests us to rearrange his bedside table in a very specific manner before we leave. He also cries at times when we come to see him, saying that we do not visit enough or why we come so late (at 6:30pm on weekdays). He also begs for us to stay longer even though we spend 2-3 hours each day to visit. At times, it is hard to see him like this but this is the reality of the situation. My wife and I can only give him reassurance that we will continue to be here for him as much as we can.
Know that no one can force you to quit your job to take care of him at home.
No one can force himself back into your home legally, without causing a huge adversarial circumstance.
Push back on the unsafe discharge and stand your ground.
How to do this is through an attorney. But maybe APS can help you stand your ground and get Dad the proper care. Or talk to the discharge planner. if they are formulating a discharge plan.
Do not be afraid.
For me, it helped to think of such an occurance just so I had a plan prepped.
My neighbour once drove his Mother to the local hospital for 'confusion & mood changes'. That would be my plan.
Good luck to you all.
You, nor your siblings are responsible to either support him financially or care for him in your homes.
He has been living rent free for 20 years, he must have money stashed somewhere, he can use it for his own care.
Your siblings opinions mean nothing, let one of them take him.
You have done a lot for your father, don't give up your life for him.
Good Luck!
He does not seem to have money left because he has been a big spender on herbal and naturopathic medicines over the past 20 years. He has spent all of his money on herbs, acupuncture, and chiropractor visits.
I think there is a cultural thing going on here. But Dad needs to be told that his needs are more than you and wife can handle. You need to work and HE cannot afford to hire caregivers. It would average about $120 ($15 an hr) or $160 ($20 an hr) a day for 8 hrs. In a week there goes his SS payment. Thats about $3200 a month, about 40k a year, don't think u can afford that. And u nor your siblings pay it. I would actually see if the facility Dr or DON could explain to Dad that he is where he needs to be. That his care is now too much for children that need to work.
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