Is my mam jealous?

Yes, she's probably jealous that you're having fun without her. She might even be a little bit jealous because you are younger and in better health than she is. Don't let it get to you. You and your husband have every right to go out on a date and do some shopping.

If you know she is going to guilt trip you, stop calling before you go on an outing.

She is running F.O.G. (fear, obligation and guilt) on you. Do some research and learn how to disengage with this behavior.

I don't know if your mother is jealous of "you" - it may be that she's envious or perhaps jealous of anyone being able to go out and celebrate the holiday season healthy and with loved ones. I think it's hard for anyone who is mainly home bound during the holiday time - it can bring out feelings of depression and loneliness.

Maybe she needs to be around people her own age...since you said that you take her shopping, are there any senior centers near her that she can get involved in - even once a week? Maybe it would help to have friends in her age group and meet people. She may not feel she has anything to look forward to the way she's currently living.

In the interim, maybe it would help to tailor what you say to her - such as, rather than to tell her that you're having a "date day" out and shopping with your husband, it may only remind her of what she's missing out on. For example, I've always played down whatever I was doing when speaking with my elderly single aunt - instead of telling her about dates, or relationships or going out with friends, etc...I'd just tell her that I was running errands, working - not making things seem much of anything she may be missing out on.

There was a poster who's Mother wanted her daughter to be old, widowed & have the same health complaints as her. Wanted round the clock company too.

This is a dependant mindset that has no boundaries.

Your Husband is right to be concerned.

Your Mother's dependency on you has obsorbed 3 full days of your week & growing.

As a wise health professional told me "It's no-one's fault, but the disabled person can sort of take over". This is what has happened/is happening to you.

It is serious. Caregivers can lose themself, even lose or damage their other relationships. Marriages can end, children can suffer.

"She is 72, has arthritis, diabetes and mild Parkinson disease".

I would strongly recommend a good therapist trained in family therapy to discuss this with & assist you to think about your current situatuon.

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Mam is showing you Passive-aggressive behavior in an effort to manipulate you into devoting your life to HER bc it's your "duty" and her "right" to demand It! 😑 If she plays the guilt card hard enough, your day WILL be ruined and she WON the game. She's requiring codependent behavior from you and calling it "caring", that you should drop everything and devote 24/7 to HER, screw your own family and life. Welcome to Passive-aggressive Crazy-making! Here's a link to good article on the subject:

https://www.excelatlife.com/articles/crazy-makers.htm

My mother was the Queen of all this PA crap and wrote the book on how to Give Your Daughter A Chronic Stomachache By Threats To Kill Yourself (she lived to 95), Wild Histrionics and Exaggerated Story Telling (also known as bald faced lying to get her way) and Generalized FOG Techniques Honed Over A Lifetime (fear obligation and guilt=FOG). The Silent Treatment was one of mom's favorite passive-aggressive guilt tactics to use on me.....betcha you're familiar with that little trick too, huh?

Here is another good link to read:

https://lifelessons.co/personal-development/covertpassiveaggressivenarcissist/

See if you recognize mam in any of the 25 Signs of A Passive Aggressive Covert Narcissist. I recognized my mother in about 18 of them 🙄

Your husband isn't wrong.

Good luck finding some useful tools to deal with her. Oh, and boundaries to lay down with her...you are visiting and calling WAYYYYYY TOO MUCH imo. These women epitomize the phrase, give them an inch and they'll take a MILE.

Please also remember that 72 is pretty young. Women like this live to be 100 by sucking the life out of their daughters. Don't be a lifeless husk at her expense...that is what to take from this post.

As your mother’s health issues and loneliness mount, whatever used to constitute “happy” for her becomes less and less, and may simply be gone. And that’s not on you to fix, and please know that no matter what hoops you jump through, you can’t fix it anyway. Doesn’t really matter if she’s jealous or whatever else, enjoy your own family and life and don’t cave into mom’s constant demands and whining. It’s unhealthy for you both

I think with what you have on your plate, 3 days a week for Mom is too much. I don't know how you can work a night shift and get up the next day and do for Mom. I would rather pay a cleaning lady every 2 weeks or even once a month to clean Moms house. Maybe hire her to take Mom shopping. She can use senior bussing to take her to appts. I am 73 and would not expect this out of my girls who are 45 and 37. One lives 4 doors down.

You do because your Mom has always expected it. That does not mean you have to do it. There are options. Mom should be doing as much as she can for herself.

Now you know, do not tell Mom of your plans. Also, keep that Wed for shopping. Tell her to make sure she has everything she needs because you won't be picking up those things she has forgotten unless ur already going to the store. I may want to start putting in her ear that you will not become her caregiver as her Parkinsons progresses. You have a husband, children and a job that are your priority. She will need to consider other options when it comes to her needing more care. Moving in with u would not be an option.

Of course she's jealous. You have a life and she doesn't. BUT - how can she possibly get a life if you're taking care of her every need, listening to all her complaints and being so patient? Stop calling so much. Tell her that you have too much to do to listen to her repeated complaints, you've heard them all before. There's a nice but firm way to say this. A 72-year-old with her health issues can manage a life for herself, lots of them do. Encourage her to do that, whatever it takes. Could she make friends in her neighborhood? She won't if you're always there. Could she get to a senior social center on her own? Probably. Could she order her items to be delivered to her home rather than you take her shopping? Maybe, if you let her. I believe you are still a child trying to gain parental approval and you can't bear the guilt resulting from her disapproval. How can you work on that? Think about it, because you don't want to destroy your marriage over this. Look at the future if your husband gets fed up and goes away (it's happened before). Your mam would be overjoyed that you'd be moving in with her. But is that what you want?

dear OP,

hug! your question is:
is my mother jealous of me?

i think it’s a great question.

yes OP, your mother is jealous of you: of your good looks, your youth, your life, your happiness…

a loving mother is proud of her daughter; encouraging, kind.

on the contrary, a jealous mother will try to destroy you (psychologically, physically, financially…). she’ll do that your whole life.

——
i read on the internet, a discussion on mothers who’re jealous of their daughters.

it might be useful for you OP, to see other people’s experiences. many of us daughters, unfortunately, have jealous mothers.

here are some excerpts from the internet:

“My mother is very clearly jealous of me. When I was younger, she always wanted to look as if she were my sister, and was incredibly proud of her youthful looks…She's pleased when I'm fatter than her, although she also takes joy in needling me about it. It's been observed by people that she actively works to upset me whenever I am smiling around her. She clearly competes with me constantly. It's like the absolute worst stereotype of catty female "friendship". I've had a psych professional friend tell me "I normally do not diagnose non-clients nor disclose to anyone else what their diagnosis is, but it may help you cope if you understand that your mother is a narcissist.””

another person wrote:

“She becomes the daughter’s enemy.”

another person wrote:

“If she really is jealous, she's always treated you that way. It takes a long time and some separation usually, to be able to see it clearly.
Good luck with your new truth.
Now you can get to the bottom of how impactful she was in developing your psyche and maybe do some damage control.”

It sounds like you’ve got a septuagenarian toddler on your hands. Like any other toddler, she’s throwing a tantrum to get attention and to get what she wants. Ignore her, and cut down contact to at most one day a week. Take a hint from her slamming the phone down and just not interact with her over the next few days. Let her calls go to voice mail.

by the way, i’m not saying this always works (because some abuse is way over the top, too extreme: bodily harm, bodily damage, financial destruction, emotional destruction of the daughter, etc.)…

but under - some -circumstances (depending on the gravity of the abuse)…

one can see the jealousy as a compliment.

you must have a lot of - amazing - qualities, for your mother to want to destroy that.

save yourself.
protect yourself.
you’re worth it.

Your mother like mine is very jealous of you. I'd be willing to bet this isn't new or because she is getting old. This jealousy has probably been going on your entire life.
When she starts up with the wishing she was dead and hating Christmas, she's playing you. That's emotional manipulation. The 'How do you think I feel?' is abusive neediness. I'm very familar with this because it's my mother to the letter since I was a little kid. This is what narcissists do. They weaponize being needy (be it physical or emotional needs) and use it to control the people in their lives. It's usually their spouses and children. Stand for yourself.
The next time you get the 'How do you think I feel?' respond with 'Everything isn't about you' then get on with your day. When she calls you and starts with the wishing herself dead nonsense, tell you you're sorry she feels that way, but that you cannot and will not allow her negativity and misery to ruin the holidays for your family. Then hang up the phone. Don't take her calls. Don't go over there three days a week or even one. Go total Grey Rock. Make sure she has food and what she needs and nothing else. Ignore her for a couple of weeks. This week is Thanksgiving. Invite her to your celebration if you're doing one, but warn her well. Let her know that if she "starts" (everyone including your mother knows what this means) in the slightest way, be it bringing up political (the guaranteed way to ruin a holiday), or controversial issues, or even with a bit of indirect negativity like wishing herself dead or any other negativity - her holiday is over. Go get her coat and she's leaving. No second chances, no warnings. Then have no contact with with her for a couple of weeks before the Christmas holiday. If she doesn't change her tune, let her spend the holidays alone. This is the only way she'll learn that no one wants to be around a negative, passive aggressive, miserable person.
My son was a huge Harry Potter fan. He compares my mother to the dementors of Azkaban. Who guard the prison. They suck all the joy and hope from people then finally they eat their souls unless they fight back with happy memories and joy. He says this is your mother. He doesn't call her his grandmother because never was one to him. More's the pity because she missed out.
Your mother may have to miss out a bit too. She has to learn that people like her are alone for a reason. Or several reasons. No guilt on your part. You enjoy your holidays. Don't let her ruin them.
It's okay to love your husband and kids more than her. They love you more than she does.
I'm glad I learned this lesson a long time ago. I hope you do to. I hope your holidays are full of joy with family.

JoAnn29: "3 days a week for Mom is too much. I don't know how you can work a night shift and get up the next day and do for Mom. I would rather pay a cleaning lady every 2 weeks or even once a month to clean Moms house. Maybe hire her to take Mom shopping. She can use senior bussing to take her to appts."

Yes -- how can you work nights and be able to spend 3 full days a week with your mother? Aren't you sleep-deprived?

What is your mother's financial situation? What's going to happen when she actually needs more caregiving? Your mother should pay for a housecleaner, someone to take her shopping, etc.

How did you come to be your mother's caregiver when your father died?

She needs a hobby. Or host a sewing circle/craft day. Senior center is calling her name. Local library reading to children especially during the holidays. I think your adult child needs to be assisting once a week by taking mam to the senior center for a couple of hours.

My mom is 77 and lives with me. She has alienated everyone and no longer has any life of her own. This is her choice as she is quite capable of being fairly active.

She does not wish for me to have a life either. If I go out to dinner or whatever with a friend she pouts like a 5 year old. Heaven forbid I go out a couple times in a row…she will then give me the silent treatment or suddenly her stomach will be so upset.

I used to respond however, I now just ignore it. It was difficult at first and sometimes still works me up but not acknowledging her childish jealous behavior has been a little freeing.

Sezbez
I read all three of your posts and see that they are the same and you keep getting the same answers from the forum. This is a very difficult position you are in. You see the problem but you don’t know how to break out of it and at 46 you are far too young to be so tired as you mention in one of your posts. Please keep a log of your sleep and take it to your doctor. Perhaps a sleep study would help you see that you are ruining your health. You may need to change jobs to get control of your life.
Your health is not unlimited. All three or maybe four of your moms ailments can be hereditary. You aren’t exactly keeping yourself healthy so as not to succumb … that is evident by your posts.
You aren’t even a grandmother and you are exhausted. You are almost the age she was when you thought she needed help. How crazy is that?
Think of it like an hourglass⏳. The sand (your strength, stamina, energy) is being depleted at a rapid rate. ⌛️ The normal way an hourglass works is you flip it over and you have another measure to run through. Your sand is running right on out the bottom. You aren’t replenishing yourself. You may be sleeping on your job and feeling like you are getting quality rest. You are not. You are so worn down you don’t have the energy to stop this foolishness with your mom.
Please realize that your mom doesn’t respect you. Perhaps it is because you don’t respect yourself? I apologize. I’m shooting from the hip here. I am just trying to think of how to shake you awake. and you are so tired, it’s hard to do.
You seem a cheerful, good natured person who needs to just stop this foolishness. If your mom needs assistance, help her find it from someone who is in the caregiving business. Your siblings seem more realistic in their approach. Your mom even thinks so.
You have set yourself up to be her everything and you just can’t do that. You will find you aren’t doing a good job anywhere. Not with your paying job, not as a wife or a mother, not as a daughter and especially not with yourself.
Watch your diet, get exercise. Tend to your husband and your three children. If you have time visit your mom once or twice a month. Do let your siblings know you are stepping down for your health and be supportive of one another in letting mom know she needs to hire help or move.
You think she is jealous now, wait until you become a grandparent. She will hate anything that takes your attention from her.
Introduce yourself to your family and find a therapist to help you break this cycle.
You deserve a better life and just think, mom might actually get a life of her own instead of sabotaging yours.
As always, remember there is nothing for mom to do, it is all on you to make the changes necessary.
Whatever is planned with her for tomorrow. Cancel it. Sleep in.

Sezbez,

You need to start to cut the cord and not be so involved in your mom's life and care. It sounds like she's a narcissist and I think your husband is right.

I don't mean this to be a cliche' but it's time for you to seek some counseling to begin to identify your mother's behaviors for what they are and to begin to heal from the lifetime of manipulation you've experienced. It's time to cease being her sole caregiver and get her placed in a facility.

This will escalate and you stand the chance of losing your husband to your mom's ever-increasing demands. Listen to his insight and get professional help.

Wishing you clarity and peace.

a quote…

“Jealousy is a terrible disease. Get well soon!”

The friend who aimed me towards this forum is 76 yrs old. She has RA, Fibromyalgia and COPD which she is on oxygen for. Her husband died from pretty much Dementia. She cared for him the whole time with her health problems. She never asked her kids for anything. The ones that helped, she appreciated.

I think you should get the book "Boundries" by Townsend and Cloud. You needed to set boundries from day one. You have enough on your plate. For me just working 8 hrs a day tired me out. Then coming home to care for kids and a husband, who by the way worked a 4 to 12 shift the first 20 yrs of our marriage. Which left me taking the girls to all curricular activities. You can't continue to do this. You need to learn how to ignore Mom and realize its a manipulation. She is alone because she never tried to have friends. I have a friend I do lunch with. Another we do shopping together. I am sure if I became a Widow that I would find a group of widows to do things with.

My Mom had her Church and widowed friends. When she could no longer drive, we set up once a week to do her shopping and run errands. At the time, I didn't know I was setting boundries. I was working P/t, week on week off. The week off we made her appts. I live in the same town so could pick up prescriptions when...I was out and about. If I went to the store other than our day out, I called to see if she needed anything. I was never at my Moms beck and call.

Yes, your Mom has health problems which will only worsen as she ages. As said, I am 73 and very capable of ordering on line. Since COVID more stores are doing deliveries of food and prescriptions. Mom has to be as independent as she can be. This is a women you do not want to caregive in your home. She needs to know when the time comes she needs more care its an AL with her paying or LTC. The more she does for herself the better her.

dear OP,

looking back at your life, there were probably many moments of jealousy.

some of our abusive mothers thrived in life (by thriving i mean, feeling good because they kicked you down).

they thrived at our expense.

meanwhile, the daughter’s life for sure was affected - in childhood and adulthood. trampling on the daughter. crippling the daughter. the mother? she felt good, thrived.

claim your life back.
or more accurately? claim your life for the 1st time.