My stepfather won't share any medical information with me about my Mom and when I try to ask questions he gets extremely mad. He has told me when I come to visit my Mom I can't talk to him or ask any questions and he doesn't want to be included in the visit anymore. When I ask questions I'm told to go read a book about Alzheimer's or I just don't get any answer.
Is this anger normal from a spouse's partner?
Have you offered to help? Maybe accompany mom to the doc? Have you sought out caregiver support groups? Try reading the 36 Hour Day.
What can you do to support dad? Are you critical of how he cares for mom?
If he is mom's POA it is actually his job to keep mom's information private. Maybe is honoring mom-s wishes to not want to bother you with health issues?
What questions exactly do you have for him. Could you give us a few for instances? You understand that your Mom has Alzheimer's. HAVE you read a bit on it?
How about just visiting and saying "Dad, how about you go watch a game and relax; take a ride and relax; go to the workshop and relax". Take a casserole with you so Dad doesn't have to worry about meals. Ask how you can help and what you can bring. Tell him that you want to support him in his excellent care of your Mom and tell him to let you know what ways you can help.
I suspect your Dad is depressed, and anger often is a manifestation of depression. I can't know what you are saying or how he is responding. Or if you ever had a strong relationship the two of you. But these are just some things to try, and I wish you the very best of luck.
Other than visit, do you help at all. Like asked, do you bring a meal. Do you clean. Do you give SD a break. Stay long enough for him to get out for a while. Take Mom for a ride. Caring for someone 24/7 takes a lot out of someone. You are dealing with, basically, a toddler. Mom probably has no short term memory. Doesn't have the ability to reason or have empathy. Can't appreciate what her DH does for her. She probably asks the same questions over and over. Thats why he is tired of answering yours.
There will come time when SD cannot do it anymore and may need to place Mom in an AL or even LTC. Be supportive. Unless you have cared for someone with a Dementia, you have no idea. Maybe you should give SD a vacation. Some respite. You care for Mom for a week and then you will see how she is.
My stepfather was not very forthcoming about my mother at times and it takes a while for everyone to readjust to the changes. As our parents age we ask more questions out of concern but maybe it feels like intrusion. Over time it becomes the new norm.
This SO much depends on what questions you're asking.
Have you done the wider reading as he suggested?
It's only a guess, but judging just by what you've said in your post I would say that his anger would be completely normal for someone as stressed as he sounds being asked what he might consider to be dam'-fool questions.
Do you adk a question or have you been drilling him and your questions feel more like accusations like maybe he isn't doing enough for your mom?
I'm sure he is coping the best way he knows how. It isn't easy.
Actually reading up on alzheimers is actually a very good idea.
The Book will be able to give you a lot more answers then he would anyway.
You would need to put yourself in his shoes, it's very sad having to go thru living with a loved one with alzheimers.
I'm sure he's got a lot of questions himself and wonders what's going to happen next and when the time will come that she won't be able to live at home any longer.
You should let him know that you want him to know how awful this must be for him.
You should offer to to spend the night or a whole weekend once a month to give him a much needed break.
Let him know that you understand him not bring there when you visit, he needs to be away and get a break at least once a week.
Be pleasant and bring gifts when you visit.
Bring or buy flowers, a meal or dessert.
Clean up the place a little while you're there visiting your mom.
No one understands until they do it, that being a 24 7 Caregiver is horrible.
Prayers
Perhaps you can find out her status from nursing if she is at a facility. Or call her doc. Worse case they say no. Now you know where you stand. Or check from your county's dept of aging, or look online at what your rights are. Do you know if you are poa? Or is he? Did your mom ever discuss with you? If your in good with mom there shouldn't be problems.
You can always go to a lawyer or ask on a web site. I think its 5 bucks To ask a lawyer. But I'd research for free first of course. Just so he can't decide your no longer allowed to see her, or cant know anything. Some people are control freaks. If he is, I would find out my rights. It can't hurt.
I know I'll get hammered for trying to stir up trouble where there is none. But I learned the hard way. Had at least 6 different people who didn't know each other tell me things that were wrong. Or I should say in their favor. Its always good to know your rights. And one more thing. If your stepdad tells you something that doesn't sit well with you. Research. Its your gut telling you dont take that as fact. Your instinct is gonna be right. Good luck.