Is there a wrong way to feel after the death of MIL?

MilHell, did you go to work today? Anything to report?

Not sure if I would want to work for a place that is frauding the IRS and Social Security. I know it doesn't look like it now, but moving on from that job maybe a blessing in disguise. No MIL to care for, a husband who can go out of town for a better paying job, you can change the direction of your life. Get a new job hopefully making more money. Or take a break. Husband is out if town, gives you time to figure out what you want out of the marriage and where u want to be in 10 years. Me, I would want to be far away from his family.

But, lets get thru her funeral and what comes after first.

MJ, there was stress besides MIL for me this weekend. I yelled at my boss Friday night when she called me asking to take a pay cut because HR suggested it. I do not like the HR person. She works 45 hours a week and gets paid for 10 so she can get SSDI and Medicaid. My boss gives her cash for 35 hours.

I know it is petty but I may lose my job over stating the facts and calling HR a fraud.

I am scared over tomorrow.

Stop over-analyzing everything. Your reactions are just as valid as anyone else's.

My FIL was a mostly decent guy, but he loved to start arguments over politics and religion and to stir the pot. There was nothing else to talk about in his life, and when he started pulling that with his grandchildren (my son in particular), I'd had about enough of him. Frankly, he was a pain to be around. When he fell and hit his head then was too stubborn to get checked out, he was dead in 36 hours.

Did I cry over his death? Nope.
Do I feel guilty about it? Nope.

I was "fortunate" in that my mother and my FIL both went into the hospital within two hours of one another and at opposite ends of the state. I wasn't able to be with my husband and his family as they all stood around wailing, because I was at my own mother's side. That was good for everyone, because I'm sure I'd have gotten the side-eye for not grieving adequately. I saw it as the death of a not-terribly nice guy who selfishly made his wife a widow sooner than necessary.

Your feelings are your feelings. Own them, and don't worry what others think.

My dear, one's feelings cannot be denied. But sometimes, they don't need to be advertised, lol!

My mom spent my dad's wake telling everyone how relieved she was that he was dead. She meant it in the best possible way--he was out of pain, in Heaven and she wasn't worried about him any more. A couple of folks were "shocked" by her setiments, but had grieved his loss long before the end.

MilHell, sounds like you should do what you think best for you and now that caregiving is over, try to repair your marriage, if you want to continue in it.

No, it sounds human. Caregiving is one of the hardest things we'll ever do.

Just read your post about not attending. Sorry but your husbands siblings seem to be in LaLa land. They don't know funeral expenses have been previously paid. I do not like Go Funds. If I personally know the person, I send money directly to them. Just hope others feel the way I do.

I pray this is a new beginning for you and husband. You no longer have the care of his Mom. That burden has been lifted from your shoulders. Please, do not let him get sucked in by his siblings. No caring for them in anyway and no giving of money. Maybe you should write up a contract like Burnt is going to do and both sign it.

Good Luck and keep us updated. May #3 spouse, you and DH should have a nice dinner and a farewell toast to Mom.😊

I don't see anything wrong with the variety of responses to her death. I know I will feel relieved when my mom passes. I think you need to get past the anger with your husband. In the moment there are things that needed to be done and mistakes were probably made but we all do our best and often have no exposure to the needs of elders before we are unwittingly thrust into it.

They all probably feel guilt now and they should. IMO you knew things were not right and no one listened to you. As POA your husband should have been an advocate for his Mom. She was in a subpar place that was not able to take care of her needs. You should never have had to go over there to give insulin shots. No family member should have expected to do that. There should have been a staff member qualified to do it, if not, then she needed a facility to do it. Bedsores, no matter what size, are serious especially in a person suffering from diabetes. Only a wound care nurse can care for them properly. Another reason to place her in a NH. That caseworker needs to be reported. I so hope the hospital is reporting that home.

I think most Caregivers feel relief. Don't worry if u don't grieve. She didn't seem to be a loveable person. Let husband have his grieving time. I so hope there is a lot of guilt there. Let him talk but don't make comments. As "if you had been a little more involved in her care..." You did what your husband expected of you. You put up with a miserable woman who even her children didn't want to care for. You should have no regrets. You tried to tell them, and you were ignored. Its now time to work on you. Where are you going from here? What are you going to do with the rest of your life?

Thank you, my husband wants to go to Ireland in March. He has always wanted to go there.

Spouse 3 and I told our spouses today that neither of us would attend the memorial. MIL was nice when she needed something but not nice most of the time. She was horrible to Spouse 3.

Sibling 4 announced the death on Facebook and set up a Go Fund Me for burial expenses. The burial was prepaid years ago. You can guess where that money will go. MIL's siblings are calling about the service. They have not seen or talked to her in years.

Before they left for sibling 2's house since 4 can not be here. My husband told me in private he was also considering not going because of 4 and 2's spouse who put on a show when she lives not far away and has not visited MIL since last Christmas. He also does not respect his aunts and uncles.

I agree with everyone, your feelings are what they are. It's how you choose to ACT about them that makes you selfish or kind, caring or cold, etc. I will also add these things can be complicated no matter how you felt about the person. When my dad passed I was intensely relieved as he had spent a hellish few days being denied hospice and their blessed pain medications due to a bunch of nonsense that doesn't matter now. I was begging God to take him and stop his pain. When he died I immediately went numb off and on. It takes time, sometimes years to feel the spectrum of everything you're going to feel. Just remember you can't choose your feelings, just how you act based on them.

You did waste your best years taking care of your MIL. You can never get that time back but hopefully you use those lessons not to waste the rest of your life doing for others who don't give a damn about you. This includes your husband. Put you first. You deserve it.

I keep hearing the song:
Ding, dong the witch is dead in my head right now.

NOT selfish in any way. Your MIL was foisted on you and she’s beyond caring what you think, so “think” it up!

No go On a cruise or do something enjoyable you have not been able to do in years . Most People take a trip and travel to get back a sense of freedom .

Anger is part of the grieving process.

Your MIL had no quality of life, for many years, as her boots on the ground caregiver, seeing the slow decline causes grief and anticipatory loss for years, often all the tears have already been shed by the time body death occurs.

We all grieve how we grieve and it is as individual as our finger prints. Please do not let your inlaws beat on you verbally anymore. You helped their mom when they wouldn't, they are feeling ashamed right now and appear to be the kind of people that hurt others so they don't have to look at themselves.

Just be there for your husband the best you can and ignore the others as much as you can.

Edit: there are cultures that celebrate death. Personally, I want everyone that I love and loves me to invite every sad or lonely person they know and to have a party at my death with lots of laughter, love, hugs and dancing (in the rain, if possible). Celebrate my life and the fact that I have gone on to my reward.

Let your Dh have his 'feels', This was his mom, no matter how poorly he may have cared for her (in both senses of the word) and now he needs to grieve.

If you cared for MIL, in the sense you were involved in her CG, then your feelings would likely be much different. Being relieved? That's pretty normal. I have no 'good' feelings about my MIL as she has been nasty and thorn in my side for many, many years. I really can't see myself feeling anything when she dies. It will be hard on DH as he has massive mountains of guilt (which are appropriate in his case) about how he feels about her--since My mom passed, he has gone to HIS mom's about 4 times. That is a record, usually he sees her twice a year. I know he's experiencing pre-grief, b/c there is no way he can fix that relationship at this stage of the game.

Your feelings are valid and no, you're not selfish. Quite the opposite.

I was relieved by the death of my parents, who were well into their 90s, more than willing to go, wanting to go. I no longer had to fear for them.
There is no right or wrong to feelings. They are simply feelings. There is only a right and wrong way to handle our feelings.
It makes me sad that you did not address this all the time you gave the care. I think that the person you are now angry with is yourself. I would seek some help dealing with the complexities of your feelings. They are all NORMAL. Try to see a Licensed Social Worker who does private practice counselling. They are great at life transitions work and at helping us iron out the wrinkles involved in caregiving.
I am relieved this is over for you. You have a life to live now. I wish you the very best of it. And again, your feelings are spot on normal.

When my mom died I was relieved, relived for her that she would not have to live in pain anymore…relieved for me as dealing with the hallucinations, stubbornness , etc. The vision of taking care of my mom was clouded with it all.

Allow yourself to feel the good of her death. Not all deaths are bad deaths.

No. You are not selfish. You went through h—- with her and her situation. Relief is a perfect word for what any sane person would feel.

When my grandmother died we all felt relief. She was very difficult and nasty. When my father died I also felt relief. He was very needy and wanted my constant attention yet when growing up I was always last on his list. I worried 24/7 what would happen when he ran out of money. Every time the phone ran I tensed up for the next crisis. I felt like I had no peace. So yes I felt relieved and not one bit guilty about it.

No, it's not selfish. It's natural. And the fact that you're worried about whether it's selfish tells me that you are not a selfish person. (Truly selfish people don't care or are totally unaware.)

If you feel you need to forgive yourself for these sentiments (I don't think you do), then go ahead and forgive yourself. I hope, when the dust has settled, that you and hubby can get back to just enjoying your lives.

No. “Selfish” is a word that should be banned from our vocabulary. All too often, it’s pinned on someone by someone else who has no idea what they’re talking about. We don’t have to accept that label or any other one. And we don’t have to judge ourselves to make others feel better. Anyone who has done caregiving of any kind should congratulate themselves for doing the best they can. So pat yourself on the back (looks like no one else will) and celebrate a job well done. Then try not to let anyone else manipulate you into being a caregiver again. Are you sure you want to stay with that husband?

Nope not to me. I wouldn't have done it in the first place, his mother, his problem, he sounds like a mama's boy to me.

Enjoy the rest of your life, you've earned the privilege!