Is there any point in “correcting” an aged parent when they’ve done or said something inappropriate? Does anyone else have these issues?

Favegirl1, You do not HAVE to be the only caregiver.
What happens if you got hurt and could not care for dad? What happens if your panic attack is a heart attack and you are unable to care for him for 6, 8 weeks and then have to follow strict routine after?
there has to be another plan.
Who is POA?
YOU can not be the ONLY one that is responsible for his care. YOU are not trapped, you have to advocate for YOURSELF.

I would normally say you should not put up with behavior that is upsetting to you or other members of the household.
BUT your dad has dementia. So correcting him can be an exercise in futility. Either he will not remember the correction or / and his "social filters" are gone.
Pick your battles.
If it gets to the point where you are upset more often than not then it might be time to consider placing him in Memory Care.
Part of being a caregiver is to know boundaries and keeping yourself healthy and safe. If it becomes upsetting to the point that you are on edge it is no longer "mentally or emotionally safe" for you to care for him. Your mental / emotional health will effect your physical health as well as the atmosphere in your house there by effecting relationships with your spouse.
If siblings are so concerned about inheritance that they resist Memory Care for him then a sibling can have dad move in with them and they can take on the role of caregiver.

A couple of suggestions about public unpleasantness:
1) Don’t apologise for him. Say to the others there that he is a stupid old food, just ignore him if you can. If you apologise, it doesn’t upset his sense of entitlement at all. He just laughs at YOU.
2) Don’t take him out. Let him know why.
3) It would be a good idea if being truthful means that he decides that he doesn’t like living with you.

I struggle with this. FIL has NOT been diagnosed with dementia. In fact if you ask his current primary - he has "perfect cognition" (eye roll - we are asking for a second opinion since this was stated in a form letter than FIL needed for some paperwork about 8 months ago that his primary did no formal assessments on, just sent FIL a form letter using those words) But we feel like he definitely has some age related cognitive decline without doubt (in combination with his deep seated narcissism and isolation) that is really beginning to get to worse. So in a lot of ways we do approach him as if he is declining.

That being said, since we don't have a formal diagnosis AND much of his behavior has been bad prior to his age related decline- we DO often find ourselves attempting to correct him.

It's likely useless - in fact - we pretty much know it is because he has been like this for as long as I have known him (30 years) but it is DEFINITELY getting worse as the age related decline gets worse. But he used to be better at knowing his audience and at least didn't say things in front of people outside of family as often (not that being in front of family makes it ok, mind you) So we have gotten to the point where we correct the most egregious and let the rest go. It's not easy to let a lot of it go if I'm honest.

But the most egregious stuff - I'm sorry y'all - even if it is for nothing I can't just sit back and not say anything. Especially since he does this stuff in public now. We correct him regardless of public or private. But we end up apologizing for his behavior in public and letting people just draw their own conclusions about his mental capacity. It probably is a waste. We know it does no good.

And as GladImHere said when we can head him off we do. He will start sentences with "I know I shouldn't say this" or "I know it's not acceptable to say this" and we immediately interrupt. But sometimes he just let's things fly that are just mortifying and we just immediately react. He has NO filter. So we have done our best to talk to him about what is acceptable and he says he knows but he says he doesn't care because "I'm old and I can say whatever I want to say."

Its not a family decision. Dad needs to be placed period. You need to tell your siblings that you no longer will care for Dad. Your husband needs to back you up in this. Christmas is 3 months away.

In the meantime, Grey Rock him. Only talk to him when you need to. Walk out of the room if he gets started. When sister said something about Christmas you should have then said, with a raised voice NO! I need a break NOW! Really not a break, I need him gone. Seems Sister holds the financial strings? Again, maybe DH telling sister "He needs to get out of my house. I am tired of the way he treats my wife Dementia or no Dementia. So make it happen"

Here is another rule for dealing with dementia patients who are driving you to have panic attacks in your own home:

Get them placed in Memory Care Assisted Living asap and tell the greedy siblings you don't care about their "inheritance", just about dad getting great care and you living your life in peace and harmony.

If they disagree with your logic, have THEM come pick dad up. You'll have his bags packed and ready to go by 3pm.

My mother lived her best life in Memory Care Assisted Living and I was able to maintain my sanity at the same time. I wound up with no inheritance as a result, but would play my cards exactly the same way again if I had the opportunity to do so (God forbid). Trying to care for a demented elder at home often reaches the point of insanity, as you are seeing firsthand. And nobody "gets it" until they're in the trenches 24/7 dealing with the myriad issues that go along with the horrible condition. Never in a million years could I do it. Rethink this living situation because it's costing you your LIFE for the next who knows how many years, as dad's dementia worsens.

Best of luck

Maybe this will help you, if you haven't already seen it:

Rules for Engaging Our Loved Ones with Dementia

1) Agree, do not argue

2) Divert, do not attempt to reason

3) Distract, do not shame

4) Reassure, do not lecture

5) Reminisce, do not ask “Do you remember…?”

6) Repeat, do not say “I told you”

7) Do what they can do, don’t say “you can’t”

8) Ask, do not demand

9) Encourage, do not condescend

10) Reinforce, never force


The overall goals should be to:

1) keep them as calm and peaceful as possible 
     (because they are less and less able to bring themselves to this state on their own)

2) keep them physically protected in their environment and from predatory people

3) keep them nourished with healthy foods that they will accept without fighting or forcing

4) keep them in as good a health condition as is possible, that their financial resources will allow and within their desires as expressed in a Living Will (aka Advance Healthcare Directive) 

5) keep them pain-free as possible and within their desires as expressed in a Living Will (aka Advance Healthcare Directive)

The caregiving arrangement needs to work for both the receiver and the giver. If it is onerous to the caregiver, then the arrangement is NOT working. Alternative types of care must be considered to avoid caregiver burnout.

I sure hope you can get a break!

What wasn’t ideal but helped me around my mom who talked INCESSANTLY was what I call , “ practicing non-listening.” People who love to talk for talking sake and not conversation tend to not notice you’re not paying a whit of attention. I would turn up the volume of my own thoughts and throw in a few “ Hmmms” at random as a bonus. I know this sounds cynical but I did claw back some of my own brain space this way.

Good luck !!

It’s good to read that “he cared for me and did things to help”. That’s not what he’s doing now. He’s driving you around the bend and upsetting your husband too. Whether it’s gas-lighting or dementia doesn’t matter much. Try to get that respite you so badly need, and use the break to consider any other ways to cope with his remaining care needs.

Your “siblings don’t care as long as it doesn’t interfere with them getting their inheritance”. Other ways will definitely interfere – see if one of them will step up to the plate?

It is time for respite. You need a break. As long of a break as you can manage.

You mention that you have no children but I’m sure you have noticed with those that do have, that the children are sent out to play, that they are given naps, that they are sent to bed a few hours earlier than the parents. Those breaks don’t just benefit the children. It also helps the parents cope.

You need daily time to refresh, to relax and to enjoy your life. Perhaps he needs a “play mate” to come spend some time with him so that he has a new target and you feel like you have a chance to escape.

Don’t keep doing the same routine and expecting things to get better on their own. The usual course is when one behavior stops, another pops up.

I also notice you have a tough history with your dad. It really isn’t good for your mental health to spend so much time with him.

Big hugs and I hope you decide to put yourself first and enjoy your marriage instead of putting up with your dads BS.

Sounds like it's time to find him somewhere else to live if his being there effects you and your husband so much.

You won't be able to correct him. This is one of the things that drove me nuts about my mom. What I did is I came to know when one of her inappropriate remarks was coming. I would beat her to the punch, head her off at the pass, and say something nice. It stopped her in her tracks.