A Durable POA signed in 2006 names my sister as POA for both of our parents. The document surfaced recently after Dad fell, and he and Mom were forced to move from independent to assisted living (November 2022) in their senior community.
Now, my sister, as POA, is preventing me from calling, visiting and even writing to our parents. She hasn't spoken to me in many years, and refuses to start now by discussing this.
I believe she is acting with deliberate malicious intent toward me and wonder if I have any recourse? It seems unfair that an individual, as Durable POA, can take such quick and aggressive action without having to document/prove a specific reason(s) for doing so.
That said, when I thought about it a while.... I realized that even if I did successfully get her "banned" from the facility. There would be basically nothing stopping her from walking in anyway. There is a sign in, but ID is not needed. She could sign in as literally anyone and walk right in. She could probably skip the sign in altogether as the front desk is usually a little chaotic. Plus, I can think of at least three aliases she uses (has ID for all of them?) and she changes her appearance often. She could easily get in. And, as long as she is cordial and does not call attention to herself, she would succeed in getting in and staying for a visit.
I know she does go to the facility periodically, but I have never run into her there. As long as she is not causing trouble, I have had to accept this. Maybe you could do the same? Just go visit, but keep a low profile?
One other idea would be maybe your sister would allow someone to accompany you on a visit to your mom? Someone your sister likes/trusts? Just an idea.
Assisted Living facilities do not monitor or control your parents leaving or you visiting. Just stop trying to go through your sister to see them. Do you know which facility they are in?
If they were in her home, I can see where she would have that kind of control over their visitors, but they are not living with her....they are in a facility. Just go to the facility.
Has your sister been taking care of your parents for a long time? What is her beef?
Go back to your parents' lawyer or whoever set up POA to add yourself to the documents and get your toxic, sinister sister removed so you can visit your parents. Perhaps also professional help and the county social worker is required.
If not, speak with the facility itself for their social worker or other case manager to assist with family meeting towards resolution.
If all of above fails or you choose to skip directly to this step, contact legal representation.
Different POA assignment are worded differently.
There are a lot of unknowns in what you present and are facing. Family dynamics are often riddled with grief that compounds in illness and decline.
The " POA" may have " issues" hindering her ability to appropriately represent parents.
So it seems to me that unless the estrangement is written into the POA, your sister has no legal leg to stand on in keeping you from your mother.
There are too many misconceptions about POAs. I wish POAs came with a "what u can and can't do booklet." POAs are a tool not a control. It can't be used as a punishment to others. Your feelings about someone do not factor in. You are a representative. I feel that when asked a POA needs to be shown. How else do you know that someone holds POA or not. Actually, I think States should make it mandatory that they be filed at the County seat and made public. I also think Wills should be filed before death and made public after death. This way families at least know a Will is on file.
I have to agree, your parents have rights. And if they in any way can make it known they want to see their children, no one should be able to stop it. It may take a letter from a Lawyer stating the POA does not have the right to cut off communication from others unless it can be proven the person/people being cut off are detrimental to the wellbeing of the person. I do think, the Facility has a right to ban a visitor that causes problems. Its their facility, their right to protect other residents but not because a family member suggests it. These facilities have a Lawyer who should be very aware of the duties, responsibilities and limitations of a POA.
Despite the exchange of 'yes they can' and 'no they can't' below (where LilMelba is actually right and Stacy122 is giving incorrect info), here's the real skivvy on POA and Guardianship authority; I was Mom's POA, now her court-appointed Guardian and Conservator (G&C).
I'm advised by an Elder Law attorney and was represented by the firm through the G&C process. I fully understand the legals in these 2 different functions regarding an elder.
A POA and MPOA has no legal authority to limit any family members from visiting unless the facility has massive documentation of harm to the resident or of the resident consistently refusing these visits. It should also be documented in the resident's plan of care (POC). If the POA is 'poisoning the well' and causing a divide then that is malicious interference and actually cause for removal as POA.
A Guardian is similarly obligated to act only in the best interests of the 'Ward' and can only refuse similarly well-documented cause for denying visits. A G&C has heightened authority and as long as acting in the resident's best interests, can most definitely limit the people allowed to visit.
I'd suggest that you make a call to the SNF head LSW and explain your situation, arrange a visit, and ask that staff document the response of your LO. You can ask the general question of whether anyone has told your LO that she/he shouldn't see you and have staff document the response. NO POA can limit your access. Period. Just make arrangements and comply with their masking, etc. policies.
A G&C can, with good cause, limit access bit cannot under any circumstances, cause estrangement or ill feelings that are then used as an excuse for these limits.
My situation: I've been my Mom's POA etc for 2 yrs and my toxic, NPD sib, from whom my surviving family had been estranged from for over 2 decades, had attempted a single visit to our mother in the 2 plus yrs that she'd been in the NH. Mom had survived Covid that took Dad, was ill, newly widowed, lonesome, lost everything of meaning in her life and that toxic sib tried one visit, was apparently sent packing by Mom. I never asked much about it because I knew Mom's feelings about her. The NPD was a subsequent no show, no notice for another arranged visit and Mom told staff that she never wanted to see that person ever again. I occ asked Mom if she had any changed sentiments and she always said the same: no contact. Didn't even read any cards that were sent to her (one or two).
This toxic NPD, having never asked me about Mom and telling me in an email to "Keep it to 2 sentences since that's all I read." and knowing that she was long ago disinherited, decided to make trouble and filed for a corporate G&C of Mom. I fought it and was appointed G&C. I now have the authority to stop her from ever visiting and upsetting Mom again, her and her family.
The fling she did was 17 pages and in it, she demanded one visit attempt with a court Visitor to observe said visit and report back to the court on it, allowing unlimited if it went well. That visit was attempted and Mom refused to see her, sent her packing again and was incredibly relieved when it was all over with. The Order reads that any further attempts have to be with my permission and based on Mom's level of distress and agitation, I'll not allow it. Mom simply wants her back out of her life.
That needless action cost my Mom's estate over 30k and counting. This sib had done the same to our brother's family after his sudden death in 2000; the reason that we all had zip to do with her. She just feels entitled to family estate monies and cannot abide being made irrelevant by being disinherited and not a POA of any kind in family estate planning. She's a 70 year old sicko and I would pity her only child if she were not also a greedy NPD. Both are disinherited by my folks.
So, I speak from experience in telling you that you have every right to visit your LO and no POA can block you.
Best -
Then contact Social Services and file a complaint about her isolating your mother. They should investigate these offenses as elder abuse.
Good luck, caa39120.
But once she went into a nursing home I contacted Alliance for Long Term Caregiving and they told the nursing home they had to let me see my mom. They found out my sibling was lying about all the things he said about me and let me visit with her.
Best of luck to you.
Many thanks again!
If Sis won't even communicate her issue, you might pay an attorney to write a strongly-worded letter to her reminding her of her responsibilities and your parents' rights.
That's what is most frustrating about this. Both parents are able to clearly state their wishes regarding communication with immediate family members, and would never request one of their children be "cut off" the way I have been. But the assisted living wing they're in blocks my calls and won't give Mom and Dad mail I've sent, claiming my sister, as POA, won't let Mom and Dad see ANY of their mail as it could be 'too stressful.' They continue to refer me to her for a resolution and won't get involved beyond that.
I will try the strongly worded letter tactic--that's good advice! Thank you again.
Good luck.
But never mind that. You need to forget any idea that she is being unfair to you. I've no idea if she is or not, but the point is that it isn't the point. What matters is your parents' right to sustain their relationship with you, and to answer your actual question yes there is a lot that can be done about that. How did you get on with them before they moved and the DPOA came into play?
Google "contact rights for elders in Assisted Living" and see if you can find any guidance to the correct procedures in your area. If you don't have any luck, you can always call APS and ask them to point you in the right direction.