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Moved in with MIL (86yo) 6 months ago. From California to LA. It was a promise my husband made his father. 3 days in she starts in with I stole her cigarettes. Then it’s been non stop we don’t do anything right. She falls quite often due to neuropathy and has had black eyes. She got covid in November which we nursed her back to health after a 5 day hospital stay. Now she says she was in prison (for the 14 days quarantine) and we’ve tried to poison her, we’ve switched her pills, on and on. One day a church lady we’ve never seen picks her up an takes her to an attorney. She is now trying to remove us from her home. She is living with this woman now but they are threatening to put a protective order against us to remove us (MIL donated her home to hers sons in 2019). No one is listening to us, she needs to be evaluated, she has all signs of dementia. She may have even had a brain injury from her falls. Horrible to us...sweet as pie to church people. Poison, jail, stealing from her. My husband saw her give this ‘church’ lady money....we say this is elder abuse as she has not contacted any family member and is guiding, and enabling a senior with dementia. How can we have her tested against her will?

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If the lady from church took her to an attorney, my guess is this woman might have also influenced your MIL to designate herself as PoA. If this is the case I think having her cognition tested now may be too late, even if you could get her to the doctor somehow.

If you are living in her house and have no proof of paying rent, they may be legally able to get you out, and at the very least can probably have you evicted, where MIL will need to fill out a form and submit it and a fee ($300-ish) at the courthouse. Then she posts a notice of eviction at the home and you have 30 days before they can call the cops and have you escorted out. This process varies from state to state so it may not go exactly like this, but there IS a legal process to get you out.

I'm sorry your husband made the fatal (but understandable) error of making the caregiving promise to his dad. 100% of people who make it have no idea what they are really getting into. FYI YOU are your husband's first priority, not his mother. It may be a blessing in disguise that the church lady has commandeered your MIL. She'll have her hands full eventually with the same accusations and threats as she continues to decline.

The other option is for your husband to pursue guardianship of his mom through the courts. This takes time and costs money (I've read maybe $10K). He can talk to social services to see if he can get emergency guardianship, but he will need to have some tangible proof of abuse (physical, financial, etc). Then what will he decide for her care if he wins? Do you want to live with the MIL and be her default caregiver for years? She now or soon will need MC, if her issue is indeed dementia. It can actually be another medical problem, like a UTI, over-medication, tumor, etc., and these should really be discounted first. I wish you success in having a calm, rational discussion with your husband about what is realistic in this dismaying situation, and peace in your hearts as you come to a conclusion.
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Time to see an elder law attorney for guardianship. I am assuming that someone here already has POA? If not, and you moved into her home this may be problematic if she fights you and is even 1/2 competent to make her own choices. That is she may feel at this point she knows her Church family better than he own family and wishes to live with/remain with same.
But I would see an Elder Law Attorney and decide from there how much you wish to pursue this. Be certain to have with you evidence of her diagnosis of dementia. Without that, any fight over guardianship could run into the 1,000s in no time at all.
You may also consider a call to APS and opening a case of possible fraud, elder abuse, etc. Again, you need all the facts and evidence you can gather.
Good luck.
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rovana Mar 2021
Alva, I didn't read that MIL had actually been diagnosed with dementia. As for the donation to her sons of her house, what does the deed to the house actually show as the owner? I would certainly advise OP and husband to protect themselves from accusations of abuse and to talk to APS about financial fraud by "Church lady". You are right that MIL may feel much closer to her Church family. As for a "promise" to dad, that is simply not valid - no one can see into the future and where situations might lead. And if it was a deathbed promise, then it was coerced emotionally and not valid.
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Sounds like she is having some serious dementia issues. They do often make up crazy tales with accusations of stealing, etc.

I don't know enough about what this church lady did with MIL but hopefully the elder abuse idea is not what is going on. People with dementia can be pretty convincing and that lady probably has no reason not to believe MIL when she is spinning her tales and asking for help.
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