There seems to be a missing link with this situation. Does this exist? I’m not talking about them living separately at two ends of the same building. I’m talking in the SAME apartment or suite.
Not sure about that. MC is locked down for residents safety. An AL not so much. Is Dad capable of caring for Mom to the point he will make sure she doesn't wander right out the front door. Is it that he just needs help with her bathing, toileting and dressing? If he is there to "keep an eye on her", then maybe she can live in the AL section. He will actually have some freedom to join in activities and outings. Maybe when he is not there, she can be taken to the MC side where she is watched more closely then go back to AL side when he returns.
My SILs father had ALZ and her Mom didn't. They lived in the same apt.
There is no such place, really, bc each situation requires different skill sets from the caregivers. If you were to have them both living together in AL, then the big burden of mom's care would fall on dad which isn't fair to him or safe for the AL to agree to.
Ask the advisors on the right of your screen if they know of a board and care residence that may be able to accommodate your folks.
You can probably find a facility that has assisted living and MC but they probably won't be able to share an apartment because it is two completely different level of cares. Best bet is to find a facility that has both where he can walk over and visit her whenever he wants to.
KerryMoore, welcome to the forum. Excellent question. Keep looking. Check with the larger nationwide communities to see if they have facilities where parents can live together even though parents have different needs.
Check out the advertisements to the right of this screen. They do the legwork for you.
In what turned out to be my dads last months, there was a facility that had one floor of the AL that was for memory care. Very nice apartments. My mom could have lived there with my dad but she did not want to live in a locked up floor. But she could have.
I guess I can understand that on one hand, on the other my brothers and I thought she was being a little selfish for not wanting to spend what would not have been a very long time so her husband could live a bit more comfortably land with a sense of normalcy with wife (though perhaps he preferred it better without his wife. My brother joked, and to him he was not joking, my dad did not have ALZ, it was just 60 years of living with our mom fried his system).
It's interesting how some elders do not like the idea of being in a locked up building. Yet, I bet at their own house they keep the front and back doors locked, like most of the us do. There is no difference.
No, with one needing memory care and one needing ALF there can be no living together due to the differences in levels of care and staffing. This should be discussed with your particular facility which may have some ideas for you that we can surely not know at all. The other thing you can consider is looking into Board And Care homes. While they are becoming rare as hen's teeth they often have a more home like feel, individual rooms, fewer residents, and often are family run. I can't think of other ideas for you, but hope others will have some. Sure wish you good luck.
At my mother's assisted living home, I mistakenly got off the elevator on the wrong floor. The floor was very nice but not exactly like the independent living floors. I realized my mistake and turned around to press the elevator button so I could continue up to mom's floor. There was no button! An attendant came up and told me it was the memory care floor, and I couldn't leave unless she summoned the elevator with her key. So she did. While we were waiting, she said that people could come onto the floor and they did, to visit LOs. I'm assuming that if a couple wanted to live in that facility, one could live on an independent living floor and visit the memory floor as often as they like. It was very nice with a calming color scheme, big windows, and comfortable furniture in the lobby.
I think I should clarify our needs. I actually don’t think my mother would qualify for “memory care” because she physically is unable to wander due to severe arthritis and falling. She needs more personal care due to arthritis and osteoporosis and general deconditioning (safe ambulating to the toilet, chair, bed, dining room; dressing; bathing; hygiene; grooming; cutting up meat) and is a high fall risk. I’m finding this is more care than an assisted living will provide. Although she has Alzheimer’s, she would not get far were she to wander (no history of wandering so far), because she would fall if she tried to walk by herself, or if she got stronger, she would not be able to go more than 20 feet before sitting down. She would not wander away from Dad. We have toured nice facilities that have both levels of care, but they couldn’t stay together in the same suite or same area. They’d be separated. Such a crappy option & does not maximize quality of life. I’m going to write letters to the people in charge of “American” senior health care, whoever they may be, because this missing link is an example of how NON-patient-focused our senior living facilities are. There should be a solution - even if it is one side of the hallway is assisted and the other, higher level of care (even rooms/odd rooms, etc). And they could live directly across the hall from each other. I realize the challenges, however there should be facilities just for this situation. Staff can be trained. Thank you all for the suggestion of the board & care residences. I’ve seen patients at one of those as a home health therapist, but I think they are rare, and actually don’t exist in my parents’ city. I’ll keep searching, but for now, we’re doing in home care….
Bandy is exactly correct. They won't care about the letters. This is the good old USA and as marvelous and adaptable and able as we are, we follow the money. That is what these corporations are doing. The letters will, sadly hit the circular file pretty quickly. Sadly.
There are many places that will take both. the choice typically is the person with dementia moves into the AL and the spouse can continue caring for the one with dementia with help from the AL staff. When that becomes unmanageable or dangerous then either both can move to Memory Care or the one with dementia moves to MC and the other retains residence in AL. OR They both start in Memory Care and the one without dementia can come and go either leaving their spouse in the care of the MC staff or they can take the spouse out for a time as long as it is safe for them to do so.
From your description I see no reason why both could not be in the same apartment in AL. I do not do this often but...use the services of the site you are on. Click the box for the "Care Advisor" and see what they come up with.
Not sure there is a perfect answer. My sisters and I are not in the business of operating a nursing home. We kept our 94 year old parents both home for a long time. The situation has changed. My dad needs to be in a nursing home he is bed ridden and unable to toilet himself. My mother can continue to live in the family home for now.. she has a pacemaker , arthritis and osteoporosis just like yours does. They will live separately for now. This is just how it has to be.
It is selfish but this situation could go on for years more and we just do not have it in us to do this anymore. the needs of the entire family need to be looked at, not just two 94 year old people who enjoyed very healthy good lives. So things now might not be to their liking but it’s the price they have to pay. We all have our needs, not just them.
They never had a plan unfortunately. I wish they had sold their home years ago and went into AL when they could have. But nothing to be done about this now.
You are so right. I have the same situation you have only in reverse. My mother is bedridden and my father is still in his home. I have my mother and my younger brother stays with my father. No plans made for lifestyle needs or end of life needs. They have a houseful of stuff and no plans about selling the house or getting rid of everything they don’t need. Fortunately, they bought LTC policies and did wills/POAs which is a huge help. My brother and I are struggling with sacrificing our retirement years to take care of them. We have also looked into getting them in a place where they could be together. That place doesn’t exist. I live three hours away from my father so they have been apart for almost three years. That is the best we can do right now. There comes a point when enough is enough. I am getting there…
My mom needed memory care, her husband assisted living. He could have stayed with her in memory care, but he didn't want to spend his time there. Initially, on a daily basis, he would take mom to lunch in assisted living and return her to memory care. That had to be stopped pretty quickly mom was too confused after returning she would become very agitated.
We looked at a care home where they could have been together. He just did not want that much time with her. She had become terribly confused and would become so angry.
While shopping for a place them sharing may be possible, but that could change very quickly if it just doesn't work out. Staff is responsible for keeping all residents safe.
Keeping them together for financial reasons should not be a consideration. They each need their own levels of care.
Sorry to learn about this situation. Go to the county area of aging for assistance. We're talking about a married couple who tied the knot years ago, for better or for worse. Splitting them up could destroy their dignity.
Covid restrictions may cause further isolation that may make separation worse than the effects of the virus itself. Someone or both may even lose his life.
Country Meadows in Frederick, MD years ago accommodated a couple to have adjoining rooms in the memory care area. Because the husband wanted to be with his wife they accommodated them. He had the freedom to come and go as he pleased during the day. It was a perfect solution for them. The wife received the care she needed and the husband was able to continue to live with his wife. Most places could probably do it, they just need to be creative.
this Very subject came up in a Memory Care family members meeting where my mom resides. A husband in AL has a wife with dementia/ALZ and they live together. He has private care for her in AL and it goes very well ….most of the time….however, his issue is that she is up all night and he is exhausted. He wants to move her to MC in the same facility but she is extremely resistant and he feels guilty. I am thinking that since his issue are with her disturbing his rest all night long, he could “move in” with her to MC and then go back to his place for his rest and relaxation at night. He is considering this. My mom does not remember her actions and his wife doesn’t remember her actions either. I am grateful for the locked unit for my mom and that we are able to have mom in MC. I have a private caregiver with her 4 hours a day devoted only to her. Having a 24 hour caregiver in AL is usually cost prohibitive and does not really allow the spouse to truly get rest and restorative sleep.
I'd say the same thing in yiur parents' case that I told the OP. The man at the meeting should move his wife into the MC section of the AL facility. He can spend all day with her then at night she can be sedated so she can't wander around all night long. AL is outrageously expensive and no one gets a break on the cost if they hire their own private help.
Google care advisors, they can help you with what your needs are, availability, cost, reputation .. they are paid by the facility.. find someone local who can meet with you… cuts thru all the red tape..I used a franchise called care patrol. Invaluable
No. I have never heard of a facility that offers AL and advaced care in the same apartment or suite. I do not think such a place exists and I have been doing elder care for 25 years. They cannot live together in a facility. It would not be in anyone's best interests for there to be a round-the-clock aide care hired at the AL to care for your parent with dementia in addition to them both paying to be in AL. No one gets a break on the AL or NH bill when they're hiring their own private help. Put them both into a facility that is AL and memory care. They cannot live together. They can spend all day together. Then when it's bedtime the parent with dementia could benefit from sedation if they get agitated and roam all night.
Here where I live there are several newer places that offer what you need. I think newer places are beginning to realize the need for such a place. The "apartments" are lovely, have a private bath, and you can get one or two-bedroom apartments. I live in central Wisconsin. Good luck.
I have worked in multiple senior communities in Minnesota that have independent, assisted, memory care and care suites in the same building and it definitely is possible. Depending on the community, you can have both parents in the MC apartment. The parent without memory loss can typically come and go.
My aunt and uncle were in this situation. My aunt developed vascular dementia and needed memory care; my uncle did not. They moved together into a room on a memory care floor. There was never any issue in terms of the facility, and ultimately it was less expensive than having them in separate rooms/units. The staff enjoyed interacting with my uncle and vice versa. It was certainly stressful for him at times but he wouldn't have had it any other way. He lived for less than a year after she died (and stayed in that room/unit, despite never developing dementia). This was in California, FYI.
La Sonora at Dove Mountain, Marana, Az has such accommodations. This new facility is approaching its third year of operation, and I believe would be worth your time to investigate. I am a resident.
It may get tough at times. I know of a wife and she didn't understand and was mean to her husband with dementia. She could come and go but her husband was mistreated by her. They get worse over time and the spouse isn't trained to handle it.
Yes! Yes! Yes! My father turned my poor StepMom into his particular slave, to the point where every leader in their AL was worried about her. He had all these rules for her caring for his catheter bag and "related appendage" that were taking her 2 hours or more twice a day to clean. When he went back to the hospital for the 6th time in 9 months, I decided he wasn't even going to be allowed back to his own room at the AL. (They have lived separately for more than a year now). Her personality and charming demeanor have returned, her health and energy are back. I wish her mind would return, but that's a separate issue. He got SO mean and demanding! She was his personal slave and he was SO hurtful and rude to her.
The elderly couples can living together, the percentage of seniors who are married has grown over the past 50 years, according to the U.S. Census Bureau. one Remarriage, increased life expectancy, and a shrinking age gap between women and men mean more families are looking for senior living that supports both parents’ needs. Thankfully, many senior living communities today may provide flexible services that can be tailored to many lifestyles and individualized needs. These customizable options can help couples stay happy together after a move to senior living. Matilda
Honestly, it all depends how much money your parents have for memory/assisted living care and how much you want to put in with family, that is; if they don't have the funds or longterm care assistance. In my state, it's $4,000 - 6,000 a month; not affordable for millions of caretakers. And Medicaid help is different in every state, but worth checking out. I think there are facilities that house both memory and assisted. A Place for Mom could help you, but there are many links that could help find places and costs in your state/ by zip code.
My parents wanted the same thing, but the facility into which they were accepted didn't have any doubles available. The promise was that they'd be first on the list. Within about a month, it became quite obvious that they were incredibly happier and easier to manage when they lived across the hall from one another. My dear StepMom, then 79, told me, "I'm so glad we don't live together anymore."
What you think they "need" may not be completely accurate at this stage of their lives. Obviously, I don't know your situation, but I would have sworn that my two were bound at the hip.
My parent-in-law had this, when FIL was AL level and MIL required more care. They had a self-contained unit with living/dining area, bedroom and bathroom. They were allowed to take their elderly small dog, Benji. There were a row of units, each with a front door to the road and a small garden, off a central corridor which gave nursing and care staff access to every unit. Ironically FIL died in a scooter accident after just a couple of weeks, and MIL stayed where she was, complete with Benji.
The arrangement was a new experiment in care design, and unfortunately it was never repeated. For some reason it was considered uneconomic! But you might find something similar.
My SILs father had ALZ and her Mom didn't. They lived in the same apt.
Ask the advisors on the right of your screen if they know of a board and care residence that may be able to accommodate your folks.
Best of luck to you
Check out the advertisements to the right of this screen. They do the legwork for you.
Then they could share a room.
I guess I can understand that on one hand, on the other my brothers and I thought she was being a little selfish for not wanting to spend what would not have been a very long time so her husband could live a bit more comfortably land with a sense of normalcy with wife (though perhaps he preferred it better without his wife. My brother joked, and to him he was not joking, my dad did not have ALZ, it was just 60 years of living with our mom fried his system).
I can't think of other ideas for you, but hope others will have some. Sure wish you good luck.
the choice typically is the person with dementia moves into the AL and the spouse can continue caring for the one with dementia with help from the AL staff. When that becomes unmanageable or dangerous then either both can move to Memory Care or the one with dementia moves to MC and the other retains residence in AL.
OR
They both start in Memory Care and the one without dementia can come and go either leaving their spouse in the care of the MC staff or they can take the spouse out for a time as long as it is safe for them to do so.
From your description I see no reason why both could not be in the same apartment in AL.
I do not do this often but...use the services of the site you are on. Click the box for the "Care Advisor" and see what they come up with.
It is selfish but this situation could go on for years more and we just do not have it in us to do this anymore. the needs of the entire family need to be looked at, not just two 94 year old people who enjoyed very healthy good lives. So things now might not be to their liking but it’s the price they have to pay. We all have our needs, not just them.
They never had a plan unfortunately. I wish they had sold their home years ago and went into AL when they could have. But nothing to be done about this now.
We looked at a care home where they could have been together. He just did not want that much time with her. She had become terribly confused and would become so angry.
While shopping for a place them sharing may be possible, but that could change very quickly if it just doesn't work out. Staff is responsible for keeping all residents safe.
Keeping them together for financial reasons should not be a consideration. They each need their own levels of care.
Covid restrictions may cause further isolation that may make separation worse than the effects of the virus itself. Someone or both may even lose his life.
I'd say the same thing in yiur parents' case that I told the OP. The man at the meeting should move his wife into the MC section of the AL facility.
He can spend all day with her then at night she can be sedated so she can't wander around all night long.
AL is outrageously expensive and no one gets a break on the cost if they hire their own private help.
They cannot live together in a facility. It would not be in anyone's best interests for there to be a round-the-clock aide care hired at the AL to care for your parent with dementia in addition to them both paying to be in AL. No one gets a break on the AL or NH bill when they're hiring their own private help.
Put them both into a facility that is AL and memory care. They cannot live together. They can spend all day together. Then when it's bedtime the parent with dementia could benefit from sedation if they get agitated and roam all night.
Matilda
What you think they "need" may not be completely accurate at this stage of their lives. Obviously, I don't know your situation, but I would have sworn that my two were bound at the hip.
The arrangement was a new experiment in care design, and unfortunately it was never repeated. For some reason it was considered uneconomic! But you might find something similar.