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Hi all — I’ve helped my parents (86 and 87) for years, alone. I have 1 brother; he doesn’t help. I know many people (especially daughters) (like me) are in the same lovely boat.


I hired 24-hour live-in caregivers at home. My brother and I live in NY. My parents live in MI.


I helped my parents in many ways.


Both my brother and I are POA. (We are POA independently).


My brother “fell off the face of the Earth”, as soon as they became frail. Stopped visiting: otherwise he would be asked to help.


He last visited our parents years ago. All caring was dumped on me (finding agencies, interviewing, etc., etc.) (you all know similar, even if differing, details).


(There is no arguing/no fighting in the family. He just doesn’t want to help our frail parents.) (He calls every 6 months: again, so he’s not asked to help).


I have 2 questions please.


1. Does anyone know the mobile number of Karma? If yes, please give it to me asap.


2. A less important question: Has anyone succeeded in transforming their anger with siblings, into something positive?

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Anger in this case is a useless emotion and a waste of your mental energy.
He does not care if you are angry,
Your anger has no effect on him,
You are the one carrying the heavy burden of anger, he caries none.

You can do one of 2 things.
Just forget that he exists and carry on and do what you need to do to care for your parents.
You could even ask him to withdraw as joint POA so that you do not have to deal with him when it comes to making decisions.
OR
You can withdraw as POA and let him take over. This would force him to step up. (But what effect would that have on your parents.)

Forget Karma.
Just do the best that you can for your parents. If you do that then YOU can rest easy knowing that you have done all that you can.

Not to make excuses but there are some people that just can not handle watching declines happen. It makes aging and death a reality and some can not take that. There may be things going on that you are unaware of. If that is the case maybe he also is doing the best that he can when he calls every 6 months. Again not making excuses ..there are not just 2 sides to a story, somewhere between the two sides is the reality.
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hellokarma Mar 2022
I appreciate a lot your answer!! Thanks!!!

Just to clarify:
—We are POA independently
—There’s nothing going on, on his side. He has no trouble seeing decline. He himself says so. He just doesn’t want to help/nothing/nada.
—Our parents helped us both financially a lot, during our lives. Getting our businesses started, etc.
—We were given everything in life. Love. A great education, etc.
—My parents are very disappointed in his selfishness.

Let me definitely try your suggestions:

1. “He does not care if you are angry”
You are absolutely right.

Anger waste of energy.
Right.
I’ll now breathe in and out. Release the anger to him.

2. I “can forget that he exists”

I like that idea.
I mean, of course he exists. But I won’t think about him. We talked for the 1st time in months today (by chance our voices/phonecall same time to our parents). I feel nothing towards him. I used to love him so much.

I don’t like his values at all now. For this reason, I feel nothing for him.

3. I tried to withdraw from the POA, to force him to help (even minimally) (I’ve already done all the work, setting up in-home care, solving many other problems).

He continued to abandon our parents. I can’t, won’t let my parents suffer. So I help (but hired even more caregivers, so that I have less to do).

4. “Forget Karma”

OK. I’ve never thought of forgetting Karma.

But why not. Let’s give it a try.

Henceforth, I try to forget Karma. I was hoping for mobile number, but I’ll try amnesia (regarding my friend Karma).

5. “Just do the best that you can for your parents. If you do that then YOU can rest easy knowing that you have done all that you can.”

THANK YOU.
This is true. I have ZERO regret. I did, do, my best — towards my parents and towards myself/my own life. I’m equally committed to helping my life.

6. I WILL TRY ALL YOUR SUGGESTIONS. Thank you, dear Grandma1954!!!!! I especially like point 1 and 4.

Somehow liberating to forget Karma.


…my screen name is Hello Karma…

Maybe instead, it can be:

Peace
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#1 QUESTION: No, I don't know the number, but that's pretty cute. As an atheist I don't believe in Karma whatsoever. At 80 I have seen many evil people live long happy lives and die in their sleep; and many good die young or see their children they love die younger (I am an old retired RN).
I could go on about the concept of Karma, but I will spare you.
#2 QUESTION: The way to let go of anger is perhaps that prayer they all use at AA. The one about changing what you can change, letting go of things you cannot change, and the wisdom to know the difference.
So consider yourself on a search for the wisdom to know that you cannot change other people, including the bro. His position is crystal clear.
Once you let go of the expectations, the anger will automatically melt away.
Eventually, you will decide if brother is someone you admire and want a lot to do with, or if he is someone accidentally born to your parents, but NOT someone you want much to do with.
I think it is crucial for you to think about what is really happening for you. To do that pretend the bro doesn't exist and never did. Pretend you never had one.
Are you overwhelmed with the care of your parents?
Do you wish/need to step away a bit, and how can you best do that?
Might a Fiduciary help? What else might help.
Brother needs to be out of the equation, just as essentially he is out of his parent's lives.
Consider drowning your anxiety in a hobby like writing the next great memoir; your post was quite wonderful and gave me a real giggle!
I sure do wish you the best.
I will buy your book!
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hellokarma Mar 2022
Thank you!!!!!

#1
You don’t know Karma’s number. This is not going well. I was hoping for a very quick solution to it all: and I have my phone ready to call.

Anyway, Grandma1954 suggested to forget Karma. And that’s what I’ll try.

Currently, in amnesia mode.

#2
The AA prayer
and
“the wisdom to know that you cannot change other people, including the bro.”

I am a black belt in karate (seriously). Is there really no way to change people? I’ll ask my sensei. I practice hundreds of kicks daily.

…In case you’re right, and even my super duper, feminine kick won’t change someone…OK, AA prayer it is.

“Once you let go of the expectations, the anger will automatically melt away.”

THANK YOU.
YES.

“Eventually, you will decide if brother is someone you admire and want a lot to do with, or if he is someone accidentally born to your parents, but NOT someone you want much to do with.”

He was someone I adored, admired, loved like crazy.

Now I think:
he has despicable values. I feel nothing towards him (he behaved so very badly). It’s ok with me to cut him out.

——————————

Dear AlvaDeer,

THANK YOU.
I never considered this:

“I think it is crucial for you to think about what is really happening for you. To do that pretend the bro doesn't exist and never did. Pretend you never had one.
Are you overwhelmed with the care of your parents?”

It never occurred to me, to imagine that.

It’s a VERY useful exercise.

———————————

“Consider drowning your anxiety in a hobby like writing the next great memoir; your post was quite wonderful and gave me a real giggle!”

Thanks.
In reality, I am someone who simply wants to make people laugh, happy.

I’m very glad I made you laugh.

“Drowning my anxiety in”
“a memoir”

Excellent idea. I’ll try something like that.

Haha, now you made me laugh: you’ll buy my book.

THANK YOU FOR MAKING ME LAUGH. :)
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Anger is a wasted emotion in this case. If he wanted to help he would.
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hellokarma Mar 2022
Thank you!!
Wasted emotion. Right.

I’ll put it in my memoir.

AlvaDeer has set me on a path to write my memoir.
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Really, the issue is between your parents and their son, not between you and your brother. If you loved him once, you should love him still, in my opinion. I doubt he's not visiting or making phone calls on behalf of your parents who live in another state to 'spite you'. He's doing what he's doing for his own reasons, unbeknownst to you. If your parents were living in your home and you were doing their caregiving 24/7, at the end of your rope, cleaning up bathroom blowouts, burned out and exhausted, while your brother was intentionally ignoring your anguish, that would be another matter that should cause this level of angst.

As far as 'karma' goes, the angst you're bringing on yourself by these angry feelings you have towards your brother are worse than any 'karma' that results from his behavior. Just my feeling on that subject. We should strive to live our best lives, to do our best, to help others, regardless of what anyone else chooses to do, and be satisfied with the results that come about as a result.

Lastly, why not sit down and have a conversation with your brother. Ask him honestly why he's chosen to take the approach he has with his folks? I was irritated with my son when he didn't visit his grandmother (my mother) as often as he could have while she was living in Memory Care AL. Until I realized it caused him deep grief to do so and he cried afterward for a long time. Then I realized the price he paid for those visits, and it helped me understand the 'why' behind his behavior a bit better. Now that grandma passed away, he's beating himself up for NOT visiting her more often. So in the end, the self-punishment he's dishing out is worse than anything I or grandma could have given him.

At the end of the day, we all have to take accountability for our own behaviors and actions. THAT is 'karma'; to look in the mirror and know that our actions or words have created pain for someone else. That's my take on things, anyway.

I hope you are able to come to terms with what your brother is doing, and find peace with it, for your sake & for the sake of the family relationships at stake. Best of luck.
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hellokarma Mar 2022
Thanks for your nice wishes!!

I did help 24/7 like so many daughters.

We didn’t always have caregivers. I organized it.

My brother and I, at the same time, visiting our parents. Emergency. My brother flew away early so I would be left with everything. Organizing nurses, etc.

Etc.
Same with non-medical problems.

“while your brother was intentionally ignoring your anguish, that would be another matter that should cause this level of angst”

This is what happened.

——————————

My brother has no problem seeing them decline. He says so himself.

Another topic:

Do you have siblings Lea? It might be you don’t.

I think it’s hard for only-children to really guess what it’s like to have good/bad siblings.

I think it’s hard for those who have siblings, to really guess what it’s like not to have siblings.

“If you loved him once, you should love him still”

I do not love and adore forever, whomever, no matter what. Examples: I do not love and adore murderers, rapists…

“Lastly, why not sit down and have a conversation with your brother. Ask him honestly why he's chosen to take the approach he has with his folks?”

He says, he doesn’t want to help. He doesn’t mind abandoning them.

Another topic:

Karma.
Who is Karma?

I’ve already forgotten.

In amnesia mode now.

Anger, what’s that?
Never heard of it.

In not-wasting-my-energy mode now.

:)
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HelloKarma, the number for karma is 1800-IN-YOUR-NEXT-LIFE but that's because Im Hindu and I hope my stupid brother's lack of care for my mother comes to haunt him in his next life. I also curse and chew him out in the car when Im alone.

Anyway, last year I was like you - very angry and upset . The Forum-ers here and my husband made me realize that the anger was affecting me and not reaching my brother (literally). He's in another country and very laidback anyway, so all my pleas for his help just slides off his back. After much arguing & begging he finally did send some money to cover mom's expensive private insurance here.

I'm constantly hoping my mom gets lucky, goes in her sleep & that will be the end of any ties with brother. And to think, he was mom's favorite when we were kids.

Like Alva says about writing, I try to keep a gratitude journal with pluses and minuses - the minus is always brother not helping but I've managed to jot down lots of pluses to drown out my brother's silence. Also, there are tons of others here who have idiot siblings not helping, so I know Im not alone, which helps a bit.

Let it all out here...and I will buy your book too..heh..heh...
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AlvaDeer Mar 2022
Weary, I am so glad to see your post because I well remember times when you were so upset. I think Forum helps all of us who are here trying to help others. I came to it just reeling with anxiety and pain when my brother was newly diagnosed. I felt like I really got to know people on a personal level. Some have moved on off of the Forum with time, and I miss them still. What a great community this is.
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One important thing to remember is that good karma is by far more powerful than bad. Virtually all carers will be cashing in on the good as it is often a stressful, time-consuming, and thankless job. I was angry that I was left to make all decisions, but not only decided it was a waste of time it was impacting my life. I turned it around and instead of thinking/dreaming my brother would be visited by Bad Karma, I decided I would embrace Good Karma. I am so much happier now and it
has had a positive impact on my own family as well as my Mom whom I am caring for.
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hellokarma Mar 2022
THANK YOU!

“I decided I would embrace Good Karma”

Excellent point.
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Karma can come when you least expect it and in a different way

Deceased brother only cared for himself, visited mom only when he wanted money.
Around this time, film festival in city he did not want to miss (understandable). Went to festival, Apr 12 (day and date match up this year) had heart attack, could not be resuscitated; hospital let medical examiner handle it from there, hospital did not even sign death certificate.

Karma.

Trying to get over anger of how he did mom, financially, but feel better to forgive not for him but because of her and healing myself.
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hellokarma Mar 2022
“Trying to get over anger of how he did mom, financially, but feel better to forgive not for him but because of her and healing myself.”

I understand.

“Karma can come when you least expect it and in a different way”

I’m ready.
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This thread is making me giggle!

I have a twin sister. Mom’s in Memory care.

In the last 6 months, I have received precisely ONE text asking for an update on Mom. One.

I used to get mad that I am left with taking care of Mom. Thanks to everyone here, I try to remember that at the end of Mom’s life, I want to be able to look myself in the mirror and say that I did everything that *I* could for my mother. My sister is in charge of answering that for herself.

I’d be happy to send you her picture for inclusion in the back of your book, though! 🤣😂
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hellokarma Mar 2022
“This thread is making me giggle!”

Good :).

I wanted us to laugh/smile :).

“Thanks to everyone here, I try to remember that at the end of Mom’s life, I want to be able to look myself in the mirror and say that I did everything that *I* could for my mother. My sister is in charge of answering that for herself.”

Exactly.

I have a friend (man; about 50), very kind, who helped his parents a lot (even though he has his own family, job, etc.)

He told me the same (we spoke on the phone — that same phone I was going to use, to call Karma).

He said:
“You can be at peace with your conscience. Your brother, not.”

———————————

“I’d be happy to send you her picture for inclusion in the back of your book, though!”

Very good.
:)
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I'm sorry you are so angry with your brother. Maybe disappointed too. Maybe overwhelmed etc etc. Totally understandable.

BUT you can't control him. He has the right to do as he wishes and you shouldn't try to force him to do more or do better. You also don't have to be happy with him. You are allowed to have your response to his behavior. Just don't try to make him do his share or things like that. If he doesn't want to, it's better he stays away in some respects.

So, take a deep breath and accept the way things are. Maybe he's just not comfortable with the awkward and strange things that happen as people age. Like if they have dementia, that is really hard for many people to deal with. Again you don't have to like it, but being upset about is a waste of your energy. I think it's also OK if you give him the cold shoulder if you are too angry that he's unable/unwilling to step up to the plate.

Also, you don't have to do more than you're comfortable with either. I know it's hard and as you know very common.
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hellokarma Mar 2022
Thanks for your message!!

“Maybe he's just not comfortable with the awkward and strange things that happen as people age.”

No, he has no problems seeing decline. He said so.

He said he doesn’t mind abandoning our parents.

“BUT you can't control him.”

Yes. For this reason, it is useful to have Karma’s direct number.

But - in the meanwhile, following advice below, I have forgotten Karma.

“he's unable/unwilling to step up to the plate.”

He’s not unable.
If that were the case, there wouldn’t be anything to be upset about.

There were, are, many problems: medical, non-medical, etc.

No help received at all. Some problems are tiny, very easy to solve. No help received.

Our parents called, begged him to help with, for example, an administrative, small problem. No help received.

Etc.
He also did, and does, harmful actions.
It’s not just that he refrains from helping.

My brother is wealthy, smart, etc.
He’s able.

”Also, you don't have to do more than you're comfortable with either.”

This is true. (theory)
But the reality - in practice - is that things happen. New emergencies, problems. Again, one can abandon. I don’t.

We have caregivers.
But not every problem can be solved by them.

Thanks for your nice message!!
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Let it go.

I tell myself that people do what they can do, and to expect them to do what I would do is unreasonable.

My brother did the bare minimum, and he lived with our parents or in their house for eight of the last 10 years. When he moved out for those two years (maybe two miles away), my 88-year-old dad offered to do his laundry just to get him to come by once in awhile. He came by once a week to pick up his clean laundry and drop off the dirty stuff and stayed 15 minutes, tops. Meanwhile I came up to see my folks every week driving more than an hour each way in So Cal traffic, and even moved in with them twice to care for them when they were sick. Brother did nothing on his own unless I asked.

It was what it was. I had enough on my mind than to let him take up real estate in my brain.

Now we're clearing out Mom and Dad's house where he's still living rent-free, and he's doing a lot of the work because I gave him a date to move out and he suddenly realized that date's fast approaching and the house is being whether he leaves or not.

His karma? He never once cleaned while living there ("Why? Who's coming over?"), and it's a 100-year-old house with original, leaky windows. It's full of dust, and as he's packing up, the dust is killing him and his allergies.

It's a small victory, but I'll take it.
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hellokarma Mar 2022
Thanks for your advice!!

“Let it go.”

Yes.

“It was what it was. I had enough on my mind than to let him take up real estate in my brain.”

True.

“It's a small victory, but I'll take it.”

I understand.

Many emotions…
Your brother…
My brother…

Thanks for your kind message!!
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hellokarma, I understand how you feel. I had five siblings who didn't do much to help. Understandably I was pissed to say the least.

I was living closest to my mom and have no children so yes I was the logical choice to help out the most and I understood this. Having said that, did that make it easier for me, a daughter who adored her mom and was running myself ragged back and forth every time I received a call or didn't receive a call and was worrying myself sick (literally). No it didn't. The times I did ask for help I'd get "Well, if you can't handle it yourself" and then still didn't get the help. I think my brother took mom's keys once for a week cause I was not eating and fainting out of stress. He gave them back to me after a whole week (insert sarcasm) cause it was just too much for him. Poor thing, (insert sarcasm again)

This is with five siblings who professed to care for my mom but when push came to shove hardly showed it with their actions.

Yes, I have since managed to change my anger into something positive. I'm not the scapegoat anymore since my mom died. I don't run to the phone anymore when I see their numbers. I don't volunteer anything personally about myself to them anymore. I don't go to every get together anymore. I don't feel any obligation towards them. In the past they showed me no respect. So, I don't automatically show respect to them. They need to earn that from me now.

How is this positive you might ask? Well, I'll tell you. It's empowering to see yourself in a new light where you feel like you deserve the respect and if you don't receive it move on from whoever isn't giving it to you. Where there used to be anger I have an acceptance of myself as the strong one and see my siblings as the weak, uncaring ones who showed that when my mom most needed them.
They've permanently lost their little scapegoat. Good for me I say!
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hellokarma Mar 2022
“He gave them back to me after a whole week (insert sarcasm) cause it was just too much for him. Poor thing, (insert sarcasm again)”

I totally understand you.

“Yes, I have since managed to change my anger into something positive.”

Amazing! :)

“I don't feel any obligation towards them.”

I completely understand. 

“How is this positive you might ask? Well, I'll tell you. It's empowering”

“you deserve the respect and if you don't receive it move on from whoever isn't giving it to you.”

Completely, totally agree.

I did, and do, the same as you.

“Where there used to be anger I have an acceptance of myself as the strong one and see my siblings as the weak, uncaring ones who showed that when my mom most needed them.”

Weak, uncaring ones.
I like that expression a lot!!!

“They've permanently lost their little scapegoat.”

VERY GOOD.
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OK. I am not a man. I am married to a man. Not all men think alike. But this is my man's take.

Parents get old. So they hire some help. Or move into assisted living or something. He does not see it is his job in any way.

Now his sister is busy shopping, checking up, checking in, nagging about health checkups.

He sees that.

He says she must WANT to be doing that - or else she would (or should) quit.

It NEVER occurs to him that whatever his sister does, he must equal. He sees that as rediculus. (I agree).

Occassionaly wonders why sister is so involved in other people's lives.
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hellokarma Mar 2022
Hi!!

Your analysis is wrong.

“He says she must WANT to be doing that - or else she would (or should) quit.”

He knows I don’t WANT whatever I’m doing.

He knows that our parents would have died on several occasions without my help.

He knows without my help, there would now be enormous non-medical problems, too.

He knows without my help, he wouldn’t be able to speak to our parents, etc., etc. (I helped with setting up hearing aids, with phone, etc.)

He knows the caregivers can’t fix all problems, and that if I hadn’t fixed certain things, our parents would be dead, or alive with many, many problems.

He knows not all problems can be solved by hired help. (Otherwise I would have done so).

“It NEVER occurs to him that whatever his sister does, he must equal. He sees that as rediculus. (I agree).”

I never said I want equal.
I said he helps with nothing.

Not even small, easily solvable problem.

In addition, he does, and did, harm through his actions.
It’s not just that he refrains from helping.

“Occasionally wonders why sister is so involved in other people's lives.”

On the contrary, he has sometimes said thanks to me. He knows very well, our parents wouldn’t be alive; or alive with many medical and non-medical problems.
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Do your parent's ever call your brother for help?

Or did they groom YOU to be the caregiver?

My mom and dad did equal caregiving duties for my grandmother (on mom's side) and dad's parents, childless aunt and uncle and in-name-only-aunt friend of pgm.

They BOTH did the driving around, arranging, calling, getting folks into care (mgm lived with us but mom said "no" to anyone else moving in--I learned how to set boundaries). My brothers were taken along on these missions and they learned "this is what gets done."

Did your parents train up your brother that way?

Maybe THEY should start making requests. And maybe you should say "I think you should ask brother to do that. I'm busy/tired/sick of doing ALL the work."
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hellokarma Mar 2022
“Do your parents ever call your brother for help?”

They begged my brother for help. Even for a simple, easily solvable problem, he didn’t help.

They called him. Emailed him.

He said, over and over, “Yes! I promise I’ll do it.”

Never did it.

The problem (non-medical) became huge, because he never did it.
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Simple answer, NO! It would be a waste of energy and I would need to always be ready for sib's failures leading to my frustration and hurt and disappointment.

Are you paying for their home care with their money as their POA? From your question it sounds like you are paying for their care with your money.
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hellokarma Mar 2022
Hi!!

My parents pay for their care.

Wishing us a good day :).
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What are you angry?

I think you want someone to share the burden.

Yes it's your folks, they raised you, you love them. But it's still a burden.

My *guess* is you are angry as you feel your brother should share this burden with you.

Again I have no idea what your brother thinks. But I know siblings are separate people, separate strengths, separate skills, separate things that drives them. Some have a strong competitive streak they hold into adulthood.

My SIL strives to be the one who is the best carer. Has even said so. My DH will never challenge & try to take this crown from her. She wanted it. She has it.

Maybe just accept you are the best caregiver.

Look elsewhere to share your burden if your brother is not the one. Don't be caught in the 'only family can help' rut.
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hellokarma Mar 2022
Hi!!

You’ve misunderstood the situation.

My brother not only refrains from helping. He also did, and does, harmful things.

Wishing us a good day :).
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Karma, does he work for a living? Is he a productive member of society?
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hellokarma Mar 2022
My brother?

He’s wealthy, smart.

We both received everything in life:
—love, financial help to each start our own businesses, great education/universities
—etc., etc.
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Out of the blue, Karma called ME.

Turns out, although I don’t have Karma’s number (caller ID withheld), Karma has my number.

Well, well, well…

We had a long conversation.

Karma says:

You received great advice from many loving & kind people on this forum.

Karma says:

Get going with your memoir. AlvaDeer had a great idea. And you already know which pictures to put in the back.
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AlvaDeer Mar 2022
There's likely hope for this boy yet. We are all different. Some of us just can't face up to care. And often, we tell people who we are throughout our lives by being the one to DO IT. Beatty here on Forum has a saying that is "There will be no solutions as long as you are all the solutions". You may need to say "Guy, I need your help. I am afraid. I always depended on our leaning on one another. Can you help me out a little here?"
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As my daughter has told me Karma is for your next life. If you have done something awful in this life you will pay for it in the next.

This life...its what goes around comes around. Meaning, your brother will pay before he dies. Ex: he will be very sick later on in life and come looking to you to are for him. That's when u say, sorry but you did not help our parents in any way leaving it all up to me. I did my caring you will need to find another option.

I was the oldest of 4 and a girl. My sister passed so the two youngest, boys are left. My Mom was a good Mom. Dad had his times but his family came first. If it was not for one of my SILs my parents would not have heard from that brother. The other lives 8 hrs away but rarely called and visited maybe 1x a year. There were times my parents got no cards for birthdays or holidays. No gifts. Just before my Dad died he said he appreciated that I always thought of them. Now I am not saying its the SILs job to make sure in-laws get cards and gifts but when she did finally give my parents Christmas presents it was Easter. And never anything Mom would wear or use. I recommended money because Mom and I would go shopping and get her new clothes. No, even when she became a widow and could have used the money. I was POA and caregiver. One SILs parents died so she never had to care for them. The other did care for her Mom who lived in IL.

I refuse to be mad. I refuse to feel guilty or regret for anything I said or should have done differently for my parents because...I was the one who was there. There for every hospital/rehab visit. Who cared for Mom in my home and later when she was in an AL and then NH. No I wasn't doing the physical caring once she was in AL and a NH but I still had all the worries and the one who visited. And the one the AL aide called at 6am in the morning to tell me Mom fell out of bed. I was also the one who watched her grow old and frail. My brothers couldn't see her that way.

My youngest brother has not called me since Mom died in 2017. Hasn't called my other brother either and they were closer in age. He lives not 30 min away. Again, I refuse to be mad. It only effects you it doesn't effect them. So, let it go. In the end your the one who did for your parents and you can feel good about yourself for that. If your parents are of sound mind, they can revoke brothers POA or move him to secondary if something happens to you.
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AlvaDeer Mar 2022
Makes you wonder what my little leukemia victim and her parents did last life, doesn't it. I honestly dislike this whole concept a whole lot, but then, as we know, my atheism carries over to this stuff.
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HelloKarma,

I could have written your question (just not with such wit). Perhaps my response will make me sound like a small person and I'm OK with that.

I took care of my in-laws for a decade. During that time my BIL was happy to take help from his parents (money, babysitting, etc) but did very little in return. When asked for help, he either said he would and then didn't show up or just refused in the first place. When one of his parents needed to go to the ER, we would text him. His reply was simply, "OK."

It was so incredibly frustrating because my hubby and I (mostly me) picked up the slack.

Fast forward to the week my FIL died - he was in the hospital/sent to hospice for close to a week. My kids and I were with him on day 4 when BIL called. FIL fussed at his son to come see him soon and hung up on him. My kids and I had a wonderful visit with him asking him questions and reminiscing. Our last words were, "I love you."

My FIL passed away the next morning. BIL never made the time to see him while he was conscious even though he knew that time was short. I don't care that BIL cheated himself but it does bother me that his daughter didn't get to say goodbye to her grandfather.

Karma, for me, is the peace that I have in my memories of them and how I cared for my in-laws.

That, and the fact that my BIL's only child has decided to make a career of being in the military and won't be around to help him as he ages.

I hope that you will have no regrets and that is the best form of Karma.
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hellokarma Mar 2022
Hello metoo!! :)

Yes, here I am, HelloKarma.

Thank you very much for your message!!!

I am so happy you took such good care of your in-laws. Amazing. So loving. I hope you were able to take care of yourself too, during that time.

“When asked for help, he either said he would and then didn't show up or just refused in the first place.”

Same here.
Very problematic: saying yes (it was my parents who asked), and then not doing it. My brother caused huge problems again and again.

“Karma, for me, is the peace that I have in my memories of them and how I cared for my in-laws.”

Yes.

“I hope that you will have no regrets and that is the best form of Karma.”

I have absolutely no regrets.

Once in a while, my brother and I must be in contact. For example, when I try to stop him from causing trouble to our parents. This brings up my (dormant) anger.

I haven’t thought about my brother in months. My post appeared yesterday, because suddenly we had to be in contact.

“When one of his parents needed to go to the ER, we would text him. His reply was simply, "OK."”

I don’t even get “ok”.
Radio silence (but message seen).

I stopped updating. The caregivers update him. He continues to hardly reply.

Dear metoo,

Thanks for your soothing words.

I will let go of all anger.

If ever I happen to meet Karma, I’ll say:

At last we meet. Has anyone ever treated you badly, Karma? Who has your back? Please don’t tell me you have lots of siblings, and you’re angry with some of them. That must get really messy & busy for you.
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I have come to realize that my anger towards siblings is actually a far greater burden than being the sole caregiver to an aging parent with dementia and other health issues. That said...I have not yet been successful at overcoming my anger, but I have lowered my expectations so that I'm less disappointed. They do literally nothing (I live with the parent so I expect to do most of it).

These days I'm grieving the loss of a parent who is still living, siblings who aren't who I thought they were, "family" as I knew it which simply does not exist, my freedom/identity, 5 years of my life and counting, my own mental health because it's hanging on by a thread even tho I've never had mental health issues before...and various other losses which would probably sound trivial but they add up.

One sibling enjoys their retirement. The other is semi-retired, travels and has an active/full life. I work full time (remotely) and I would give anything for a break. But my LO is not ready for outside help (refuses), and my siblings blame their lack of involvement on me.

I try not to dwell on the anger. But it's always there. More painful is the sadness. When you beg for help from people who are supposed to care, revealing that you're "not okay" and they still refuse, it hurts to realize you matter so little. And your LO loses out.

Working on all of it.
One.Day.At.A.Time.
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hellokarma Mar 2022
Hi Sandy!!

“my siblings blame their lack of involvement on me”

That is awful and EXTREMELY manipulative.

You see, they have to somehow justify why they’re not helping (when I say helping, I don’t mean someone should help 24/7. Most of these awful siblings don’t even help 1 minute) (when I say helping, I mean help —— in some way. There are thousands of ways.)

Who wants to admit:
“Dear mom and pop, the truth is I don’t give a sh*t what happens to you. You’re suffering? So what. I’ll pretend to care a bit, otherwise you’ll disinherit me. You survived the emergency?? Shoot. I’ll have to wait longer for inheritance.”

(Not every sibling thinks like this, of course.)

But who wants to admit they’re an awful person?

Much better to blame someone else:
like you, Sandy. Let’s blame Sandy for us not helping.

But the reality is that there are many ways to help, which don’t involve you Sandy at all. Did they do it? Of course not.

Why not? Because you were never the cause Sandy.

“When you beg for help from people who are supposed to care, revealing that you're "not okay" and they still refuse, it hurts to realize you matter so little.”

As long as their life is ok, that’s all that matters.

“They do literally nothing”

Exactly.
Typical.
Common.

Dear Sandy,

This is not good (you said, “I have not yet been successful at overcoming my anger”) because now they’re two of us.

No, no.
We must listen to people here on this forum :).

Anger is a waste of energy.

(I would add, unless you can use it to propel you towards something awesome. Sometimes huge anger can create amazing success, because you use it as motivation.)

BUT, what we have, is the bad kind of anger, that eats you up.

Justified anger. But bad for us.

Let’s let it go.

:)

And if ever (you never know) someone does post Karma’s mobile number…

Well, hopefully I’ll already be smiling happily and have forgotten…

Karma calls.

HelloKarma:
Hi! You have reached HelloKarma.

Karma:
This is very confusing. I’m Karma. Hello.

HelloKarma:
No way! Get outta here! You’re KarmaHello?

Karma:
No…! I’m Karma.

HelloKarma:
Well, how nice to finally meet you. I don’t really need you anymore.
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"He also did, and does, harmful actions.
It’s not just that he refrains from helping."

Can you give an example?

When people say that the non-involved sibling will be bothered by their conscience when the elders die, I just don't think that happens in many cases. And it's really just a way to continue justifying (and enabling) non-help from the sibling/siblings.

You say your brother is wealthy. Are you? Would some money make you feel better about something that's not going to change? Maybe your parents could change their will to give you more than a 50/50 split (assuming that it was it is) of their estate? Or pay you for your time now? Of course if they pay you now, meticulous records must be kept if they will eventually be eligible for Medicaid.

I got one of the POA brothers to pay me for my time involved with our mother, $20/hour (no hands-on caregiving; I did not live with her or vice-versa). She would never become Medicaid-eligible, so she (unknowingly; when I asked one time she hissed at me that, "you don't pay family!") gifted me the money (no taxes taken out) for what I did.

When I considered my involvement as a job, it became much easier to handle emotionally.
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hellokarma Mar 2022
Hi!!

I am wealthy too.

I will never accept money from my parents for helping them. This is not my job. I do it because I love them. I don’t want to get paid.

I have a job.

I totally understand people who are paid.

I’m just talking about me.

The will:
It’s 50/50.

I don’t want it changed (let’s say my parents want to give me more).

Wishing us all a good day!!! :)
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"I am wealthy too.

I will never accept money from my parents for helping them. This is not my job. I do it because I love them. I don’t want to get paid."

And I loved my mother, too. But her dementia and lack of filters made her very demanding and unkind towards me. THAT is what made it so difficult for me. I knew NOTHING. I was STUPID in her eyes. She made it very clear that MY time was worthless. One of my brothers helped as he could, but he was states away. The other two? Not much. One especially did nothing, at one point not even visiting my parents for nearly 5 years (he lived just a few states away!). Yet in her final years THIS son became her favorite. He told me once that although my mother had said she would never want to live with me, that she indeed DID expect me to move in with her (?). And then when the MD at the NH suggested we put my mother on comfort care, this was the brother who wanted her to see another MD to get a second opinion. I just about lost it then; told him I wouldn't be doing that and that if he thought that was necessary, he'd be doing it.

Now interestingly, another brother was retired (as was his wife), yet they rarely came down to see my mother. The excuse was always that one or the other of their fully grown sons (usually the younger one) needed something done by them. And then when the idea was brought up about my being paid, this brother's wife sniffed that SHE would never accept pay for taking care of HER mother. To my brother's credit, he simply snapped at her, "YOUR mother is nothing like OUR mother!" LOL
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hellokarma Mar 2022
I totally understand you.
I send lots of warm, healing wishes and thoughts to you.

Hug!!!!!!
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You should be relieved they refuse to help! Otherwise you'd not only be dealing with parents, which is quite a chore, but siblings as well. You've also got to remember that not everyone is a caregiver. They don't have the knowhow or the patience. Stop choosing to be angry. It's a waste of time and energy. Look for the positives. You could choose to block your siblings#. You don't need a reminder of your anger. Simply don't answer the door if they show up.
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hellokarma Mar 2022
Hi!! :)

Sometimes we must communicate. Totally essential info.

“Stop choosing to be angry. It's a waste of time and energy.”

I agree.

“You've also got to remember that not everyone is a caregiver. They don't have the knowhow or the patience.”

Disagree.
We’re not talking about being a caregiver.

There are thousands of ways to help (some problems can be solved in 1 minute.)

Our parents begged him to help (even a small, very easily solvable problem).

He refused.

Other times, he said, “I promise I’ll do it.” Then didn’t. This caused huge trouble for my parents. Financial loss too. Did he say sorry? No.

He also does things that are harmful. He doesn’t just refrain from helping.

“You should be relieved they refuse to help! Otherwise you'd not only be dealing with parents, which is quite a chore, but siblings as well.”

Disagree.
Many things don’t need to involve the two of us at the same time.

Example (this is purely an example. I’m not actually talking about flowers. Please interpret this metaphorically.)

Here the example:

Cheer up mom? You know she loves flowers? Send flowers. (Doesn’t involve sister at all, and it’s a nice gesture).

——————————
My brother does nada.

——————————
He does cause harm, actively doing harmful things. I try to protect my parents.

——————————

Wishing us all a great day!!!

Hello Karma
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It is unfortunate but I think your anger is misplaced. Your siblings are under no obligation to inconvenience their life for another, even if that person is family. I am willing to bet your brother most likely does not lose much sleep over their choice.

In short just let it go, live your life and let your siblings live theirs. I feel that is how you turn it into a positive.
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hellokarma Mar 2022
As is true for so many of us --- if the 1 remaining person who is helping (me) totally lets go, it's a total disaster for my parents.

Yes, we have hired caregivers.
But there are many problems to solve.

It is the same for adult children whose parents are in facilities. You still advocate, care, help. Many problems to solve.

If you truly live your life, and totally abandon (like my brother), then my parents will really get into trouble.

You said:
siblings have no obligation to help.

Understand, that my sibling, like many on this forum, creates trouble/harm for my parents. He doesn't just refrain from helping.
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"The most precious thing you can give, is your time.

It’ll never come back.
The years, months, you helped. No money can make up for that. No money ought to make up for that.

I totally understand people who get paid.

As I said, this is just about me."

Yes, you already said that. For me, money did make up for time spent with my mother. I don't think you feel emotionally abused by your mother the way I did by mine. I wonder how you would have felt if you were?
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hellokarma Mar 2022
I'm sending you LOTS of compassion.

Hugs!!!!!!
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I'm sending warm and healing thoughts to everyone!!!

Let me see if I can answer my own questions.

1. The closest I have gotten to Karma's mobile number is from wearynow's answer: 1-800-IN-YOUR-NEXT-LIFE.

2. Have I succeeded in transforming my anger into something positive? Since I posted my question, I followed Grandma1954 (1st reply to my post). Forget Karma. Anger is a waste of energy.

I'm working on a memoir (AlvaDeer's idea).
Provisional working title: The Road to Positive, Calm and Infinite Tranquility
Realistic Title: %/)(·/$)(Q/·=!)(·=!)"(=(/=··$!!!!!!!

And I feel more liberated. Yesterday, I radically cut even more, contact with my brother. (He did more awful things, yesterday/today). I see even more clearly his character.

I will endeavour to turn these negative experiences into something positive. Currently breathing in, breathing out.

Hello Karma
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bundleofjoy Mar 2022
dear hello karma,

i have some questions please:

1. are you related to karma? are you counsins? or, oh my goodness, are you siblings??

2. i’m very interested in your future book “The Road to Positive, Calm and Infinite Tranquility”. i’m equally interested in “%/)(·/$)(Q/·=!)(·=!)"(=(/=··$!!!!!!!”. when is the movie coming out?

3. would you like me to kick your brother for you?
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Yeah. I cut contact. One of the best things I did in my life.
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hellokarma Mar 2022
Exactly!!!

Good riddance. Some people are awful. Your life will suddenly be lighter, happier.

Unfortunately, my brother and I sometimes must talk. That’s why my post suddenly appeared a few days ago.

More bad behavior from my brother. Of course I got upset.

——————————

Since yesterday/today I see even more clearly his character: he did something.

This liberated me, because I see I really don’t want to have much to do with someone like that.

Despicable values, liar.

——————————

I feel freer now, having cut him out more.
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Hello Karma, Yes. I have succeeded in turning my anger into something positive.

First, I don’t spend any time with people I don’t like. That includes thinking about them.

Second, I’m way too busy spending time with people I do like.

Third, I noticed that all the stress, toxicity, from my siblings (we are 6), hurt me physically. I started losing a lot of hair from the stress (it has grown back). Bad people will make you physically ill. The moment I realized they don’t care at all about me, was the same moment I gained my freedom. I’m free. Before, I was connected with dangerous, false, harmful “friends” (aka bad siblings).

Try Again
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hellokarma Mar 2022
Thank you!!!

Very useful!
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I stopped engaging with toxic people and joined the buy nothing group on Facebook. I’ve been able to do little things (like give someone a sling for an injured shoulder and collect bottle caps for a Girl Scout troupe) and received a lot of gratitude from strangers. In turn, they given me a lot that I’ve sent to Afghanistan refugees.
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hellokarma Mar 2022
Great!! :)
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Hellokarma, I'm still reading. Anger can often be very useful. It can help propel us to change something. I don't know if it just evaporates.

Did I read you & brother are both POA? Like co-POA?

Is that in effect? As in, your folks needs a POA to arrange services & pay bills?

But being joint POAs just doesn't work from your end?

Do you & your brother agree on their future care plan at all?

I've met many families where one wants to 'keep them at home' as per their wishes but another doesn't agree. Thinks it's time to downsize/move into AL. Is it like that at all?

Or maybe your brother is happy to call every 6 months & that's it. That is his boundary right there. He doesn't live there & just won't do elder care.
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hellokarma Mar 2022
Hi!!!

-Neither of us lives there
-We are independently POA
-My brother also wants our parents to stay at home. The facilities were we are, are dreadful. And, our parents have the money to stay home. And, neither my brother and I would want our parents to go to a facility, even if they were good where we are. Our parents are delighted to be at home. They have the money to pay. None of this is a problem, otherwise I would have said so. I would have said we disagree about what to do. If that were the case, I wouldn’t be angry, we would just be discussing different opinions.

-My brother, like many siblings on this forum, doesn’t just refrain from helping. He actively causes problems. I’ve had to fix the trouble, protect our parents.

Wishing us a great day!! :)
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