Thank you to everyone who replied to my posts about my family relationship that was ruined due to caregiving. I have one more question and I ask it because it's very interesting to me: My brother, who has indicative qualities, when he has seen me in pain or discomfort has imitated me in an exaggerated and mocking way. For example, as I described in another post. I had been cleaning my father's house for hours and was bending over when my brother came in. I bent back up and kind of grabbed my back and went "Ow, my back" or something like that. My brother then intentionally made an exaggerated face of the same kind of pain I was experiencing. Has anyone else ever experienced this or know what I mean?
We all have families on this site (I imagine there are very few who are going through CG who are totally alone--but I could be wrong).
Families are great until they're not.
Your brother sounds like a jerk. Maybe he thinks he's funny. Maybe he has really crappy social skills. Maybe he is uncomfortable with showing emotions appropriately. IDK, and obviously, you don't either.
He was making fun of you. That's rude, but it's certainly not life ending.
Whenever I had a headache, I would hold a cold can of Diet Coke to my forehead--it just became a habit and my kids would often do the same, to tease me. They do it to this day.
At my mom's funeral, we had a limo to drive immediate family to the gravesite, In the limo was a cooler filled with drinks. I snagged a Diet Coke and immediately put it to my forehead (yes, I had a headache AND it was 107 degrees)..we pulled up to the gravesite within 5 minutes and I got out of the limo with this Coke can pressed to my forehead and my 5 kids & their spouses began laughing so hard. I knew immediately what they were laughing about and I laughed too.
OK, so I could be 'mad' at them for 'mocking' me, but I've let it become a funny thing.
Only you can choose, Lisa, how you want to respond to your brother. Ignoring him completely might work.
Trust me, there are MUCH WORSE familial disputes going on to be fussing about your brother 'imitating' you.
Or you could full on slap him in the head. Whatever works. My son drives me batty, sometimes I call his wife and say "Brit, go slap Brandon upside the head and tell him it's from me". She's always OK to do so.
Not to minimize something that bugs you---but to hopefully put it in perspective.
That thing about being the last post about the family?
Is that a promise, or subject to change?
I will end by saying, and I said this before, the idea of assisted living to me and my father was abhorrent! However, we surprisingly learned that for his stage of life it is more than perfect - he has all he needs and much more. I visited a couple of weeks ago in the afternoon on like a Tuesday and my father was not in his apartment. I asked an aide where he was. He was at a sing-a-long in one of the lounges. After they finished they were served chocolate cake!
The only downside is the fact that there is a loss of privacy. They check on him every few hours but that's necessary at his age and condition. I can't imagine how wrong I was to allow my father to live alone for so long!
I have not been following all your story
So with that in mind you can take my suggestion with a grain of salt if it does not apply since I do not know if you must keep in touch with family while your father is still alive .
My suggestion is stay away from your brother as much as possible if he upsets you that much .
Believe me you haven't missed anything. Lisa comes here to solicit pity and when we don't deliver, she gets upset and goes on about how smarter and better she is than everyoe here.
It's good that you've admitted that your dad is better off in a care facility. They usually are. Some people never get it, and their parents suffer because of that.
You could benefit from participating in therapy.
Everyone is a work in progress.
Here is a starting point. If you wish to read the entire article go to psychologytoday.com
7 strategies to put the past behind you:
1 - Consciously decide to put the past behind you.
2 - Take complete responsibility for yourself.
3 - Accept the past as it is.
4 - Make a plan for your immediate future.
5 - Gather your strengths.
6 - Forgive yourself and others.
7 - Learn lessons from the past.
Why do you even waste one iota of your mental bandwidth on your annoying brother and his wife?
I divorced my MIL 4 years ago and have not spoken nor seen her in that time.
I have ZERO regrets about not being the slightest bit involved in her life. And when she does pass, I don't know if I will even attend her funeral. Maybe, and I mean MAYBE, if DH wants my support, but not out of respect nor love for her.
If your brother is as bad as you've made him out to be---divorce him. You aren't in home caring for your dad, so there doesn't even need to be ANY overlap where you both might be together.
If this 'latest event' happened more than 2 weeks ago, it's ancient history and you have a fabulous memory.
And the pants. Does Dad really need them or he just thinks he does. All you needed to do was buy him a couple of pair and send the bill to ur brother for reimbursement. Or better, just eat the cost. Your brother is paying for Dads care. You can't pick up the extras? Maybe brother told Dad that he would get the pants when he could and Dad wants them now. Again, Dad has to realize that brother is paying for his care. And your brother has a right to take Dads SS and any pension and apply it to the cost of his care. OK its his wife and this is something she does not need to do. Brothers POA does not put him in complete charge. If you want to buy something Dad wants the POA has nothing to say about that. So there are no problems between Dad, u and brother, I would have just bought the pants for Dad. You and brother do not use Dad as a go between. There is no need for you to talk to him or his family. Stop finding things to criticize. (Do you have ADHD?) Visit Dad and enjoy the visit. If he brings brother up just say "nice" and change the subject. Or tell him you have found the less you and brother say to each other the better. When u visit, its just you and Dad.
For whatever reason, u and brother at this point have no relationship. Maybe he didn't realize when Dad moved closer to him, Dad was as bad off as he is. That he would be more responsible. And would have to ask his wife to support his father because he did not want him in a NH. He could easily place Dad in LTC and allow Medicaid to foot the bill. He and especially his wife are not responsible to spend 60 to 100k a year on Dad. All brother maybe responsible for is making sure Dad is fed, safe and cared for. If that means a NH with Medicaid paying, so be it. I think you and Dad owe brother and wife a thank you for what they do do for Dad.
So hopefully, this will be the last time we hear criticism concerning Dad and brother. If Dad has problems with the facility, then HE needs to speak up or ask brother to get involved. Its not your problem.
Lisa and the brother are adults. They're not children competing for the affection of mommy and daddy.
It's exactly as I told Barb in the comments here. The pitting one sibling against another is commonplace for seniors especially when they've been placed.
The father is old and probably has dementia. Lisa and the brother are in control of how they respond to the father's supposed instigating. They also have total control of how they will behave to each other.
This is the very definition of adult behavior. If they are unable to behave like adults to each other, they should avoid each other.
The father's alleged instigating and pitting has nothing to do with it.