Thank you to everyone who replied to my posts about my family relationship that was ruined due to caregiving. I have one more question and I ask it because it's very interesting to me: My brother, who has indicative qualities, when he has seen me in pain or discomfort has imitated me in an exaggerated and mocking way. For example, as I described in another post. I had been cleaning my father's house for hours and was bending over when my brother came in. I bent back up and kind of grabbed my back and went "Ow, my back" or something like that. My brother then intentionally made an exaggerated face of the same kind of pain I was experiencing. Has anyone else ever experienced this or know what I mean?
Caregiving for a parent can not only be extremely difficult in many ways it has added dimensions of deep psychological nature, and in my case part of what I believe I'm seeing is a defense mechanism. Most of it though is, like you said, simply the character being revealed.
That thing about being the last post about the family?
Is that a promise, or subject to change?
I will end by saying, and I said this before, the idea of assisted living to me and my father was abhorrent! However, we surprisingly learned that for his stage of life it is more than perfect - he has all he needs and much more. I visited a couple of weeks ago in the afternoon on like a Tuesday and my father was not in his apartment. I asked an aide where he was. He was at a sing-a-long in one of the lounges. After they finished they were served chocolate cake!
The only downside is the fact that there is a loss of privacy. They check on him every few hours but that's necessary at his age and condition. I can't imagine how wrong I was to allow my father to live alone for so long!
We all have families on this site (I imagine there are very few who are going through CG who are totally alone--but I could be wrong).
Families are great until they're not.
Your brother sounds like a jerk. Maybe he thinks he's funny. Maybe he has really crappy social skills. Maybe he is uncomfortable with showing emotions appropriately. IDK, and obviously, you don't either.
He was making fun of you. That's rude, but it's certainly not life ending.
Whenever I had a headache, I would hold a cold can of Diet Coke to my forehead--it just became a habit and my kids would often do the same, to tease me. They do it to this day.
At my mom's funeral, we had a limo to drive immediate family to the gravesite, In the limo was a cooler filled with drinks. I snagged a Diet Coke and immediately put it to my forehead (yes, I had a headache AND it was 107 degrees)..we pulled up to the gravesite within 5 minutes and I got out of the limo with this Coke can pressed to my forehead and my 5 kids & their spouses began laughing so hard. I knew immediately what they were laughing about and I laughed too.
OK, so I could be 'mad' at them for 'mocking' me, but I've let it become a funny thing.
Only you can choose, Lisa, how you want to respond to your brother. Ignoring him completely might work.
Trust me, there are MUCH WORSE familial disputes going on to be fussing about your brother 'imitating' you.
Or you could full on slap him in the head. Whatever works. My son drives me batty, sometimes I call his wife and say "Brit, go slap Brandon upside the head and tell him it's from me". She's always OK to do so.
Not to minimize something that bugs you---but to hopefully put it in perspective.
I have not been following all your story
So with that in mind you can take my suggestion with a grain of salt if it does not apply since I do not know if you must keep in touch with family while your father is still alive .
My suggestion is stay away from your brother as much as possible if he upsets you that much .
Believe me you haven't missed anything. Lisa comes here to solicit pity and when we don't deliver, she gets upset and goes on about how smarter and better she is than everyoe here.
It's good that you've admitted that your dad is better off in a care facility. They usually are. Some people never get it, and their parents suffer because of that.
I still live where I live. I haven't seen that guy around for like a year. Thank goodness. I still plan on moving but I feel so fortunate now to have my father so close by and it is a joy to visit with him. Tomorrow we're going shopping and then out to lunch. That's priceless.
I am ignoring my brother and his family but weirdly enough they know this and give me treatment to let me know they know what I'm doing! It's just plain weird and immature. I don't know what happened to him. My theory, if I had to guess, is that he's in a new stage of life, had major plans but was forced to take on responsibilities (via of the POA) that he had no idea would be like. So he's taking it out on me. It's part scape goating, part ego protective and part mean-spiritless in order to give me pain for him having to not live like he wanted and could not get what he wanted out of me.
Thank you for your advice and wishes for me.
Why do you even waste one iota of your mental bandwidth on your annoying brother and his wife?
I divorced my MIL 4 years ago and have not spoken nor seen her in that time.
I have ZERO regrets about not being the slightest bit involved in her life. And when she does pass, I don't know if I will even attend her funeral. Maybe, and I mean MAYBE, if DH wants my support, but not out of respect nor love for her.
If your brother is as bad as you've made him out to be---divorce him. You aren't in home caring for your dad, so there doesn't even need to be ANY overlap where you both might be together.
If this 'latest event' happened more than 2 weeks ago, it's ancient history and you have a fabulous memory.
I say this in the truest spirit of friendship and with your best interests at heart.
You need serious mental help. It's very obvious in reading your posts that you do not live in reality and probably have very little going on in life.
I don't say this to be hard on you. I say it because you deserve to get a life.
If you had something positive in your life you would not be so obsessed with your brother and his life. The little sibling rivalries wouldn't matter one bit to you.
It is very obvious that there is no love loss between you and your brother. Sad as that is, caregiving for your father did not cause it.
He doesn't care much for you. His wife doesn't either. You're jealous of their life and think they should be sharing it with you. It doesn't work like that.
If you were my sibling I probably wouldn't want anything to do with you either. You're a jealous, petty, knit-picking instigator who turns molehills into mountains for nothing.
Let me ask you a question. Would you want a person like you around and in your life?
My guess is you probably wouldn't. Your brother and his wife don't either.
How about you start being honest with yourself and get some mental help. Then maybe you will be able to have a normal sibling relationship with your brother and SIL. I truly hope you can.
We have been hearing about your brother for awhile now. Isn’t it time that you focused on your own life?
I know that you have stated that at one point in time you had a good relationship with your brother. I am truly sorry that your relationship with him went downhill. There is nothing that you can do about that.
Focus on what is important to you. Your dad is receiving good care. I know that you appreciate that.
I wish that you could have a healthy relationship with your brother or even just a civil relationship with him. It doesn’t seem like that is possible. So, let it go.
Don’t allow someone to pull your strings. You’re giving him ammunition to continue to do so. If you consistently show him that he isn’t getting to you, he will no longer bother you.
Don’t be bothered by his remarks or actions. What good does it do? You keep ruminating over the same old stuff. News flash! Your brother isn’t going to change his ways. You have to change your reaction to his behavior.
You work on his nerves just as much as he works on your nerves. It’s a vicious cycle. Break the cycle! It can be done if you want a life for yourself.
Don’t be one of those people who just loves to complain. All of us know people who we don’t care for. We don’t complain continuously about them because we cut them out of our lives.
Let your brother live his life as he chooses and you live your life as you wish. He doesn’t want or need you to critique his lifestyle. He doesn’t need your approval for anything that he does. You shouldn’t need his approval either. What he thinks or feels about you at this point in time should be irrelevant to you.
Wishing you peace and joy in your life. Also hoping that you will decide to move forward soon. Take care.
You could benefit from participating in therapy.
Everyone is a work in progress.
Here is a starting point. If you wish to read the entire article go to psychologytoday.com
7 strategies to put the past behind you:
1 - Consciously decide to put the past behind you.
2 - Take complete responsibility for yourself.
3 - Accept the past as it is.
4 - Make a plan for your immediate future.
5 - Gather your strengths.
6 - Forgive yourself and others.
7 - Learn lessons from the past.
seriously, how old are we now?
oh my, we haven’t grown up yet..
if you want to be condescending and mimic me, you really need to EXAGGERATE my mosning, groaning, and distort my motions by flipping on the floor. While you’re down there, can you take a rag snd clean the floorboards? That’ll be more productive..thank you, brother.
oh please, Instead of running your mouth, run a vacuum.
I think it's easier to just tell someone like the brother to 'F-off' and walk away.
The brother is engaging in some adult teasing. He wants the same reaction Lisa probably had as a child when he would start up with the teasing and instigating. She gives him what he wants and he keeps doing it.
I came from a family of teasing and bullying. When the teasers target gets upset about it or cries, it only makes things worse for them. Kids who teased and bullied usually continue that way in their adult life too.
My cousin was the king of the teasers and bullies in my family. A spoiled and entitled brat who everyone catered to and expected all the kids to cater to him too. I was an easy target because I was younger and no adults in my house were going to stand up for me. Any time I told on someone the family scapegoat (me) got blamed for it.
One day the kids were outside, I think I was probably around 10 or 11 and he started instigating like he always did. First with the insults and swears and then the mimicking. I was used to that and it didn't get the desired outcome of tears that he wanted. So he shoved me. I fell down. That really made his day.
I didn't run away and find a place to hide so no one would se me cry which would make it worse.
No, I picked up a shovel and hit him square in the face with it.
The teasing and bullying stopped that day and never happened again. A broken nose will have that effect on a person.
He never spoke to me again. Even to this day. It's been no hardship on me being deprived of his company to be honest.
Lisa here needs to go zero contact with her brother. Nothing. Visit the father when he's not there. I think that's the only way.
What exactly do you want? Just for a second, take your brother completely out of the equation and answer this one question, ‘What do you want for yourself?’
Are you just looking to vent?
Are you seriously looking for advice on how to work through this and move forward in your life?
Are you only looking for empathy/compassion from others and have no desire to take any suggestions for change from us seriously?
Are you just looking for people who will say to you that your brother is a monster who hates you?
I’m not trying to be cruel. I am curious to know where you stand on all of this.
If you truly want your life to improve, you can do it. You can’t do it by living in the past though.
Find a therapist who will challenge you to set goals. Someone who will help you work through these emotions.
You’re stuck in a loop. Do you really want years and years to go by and here you are still complaining about your brother?
I am not questioning whether you have been hurt in your life. We have all been hurt at some point in our lives.
Most people figure out a way to move forward and not become paralyzed by their pain.
I would like to see you get to a place where all of this bad blood between you and your brother is nothing but a distant memory.
Review your posts here. Make notes about these "feelings" These take these notes to a therapist who can help you figure out what is going on in your mind. And if you want to go to the UK, go.
I feel so much better since I removed my narcissistic brother
I have. I was just illustrating that even though I have, we still will interact from time to time at the assisted living place. The worst thing is there will be underlying animosity between him and his family towards me. The only time he will apologize and be nice is when he wants something from me, which now he finally knows for sure there's nothing he can get from me so that will never happen.
I don’t know if you will comprehend what I am going to tell you or not but here goes. I will give it a shot for what it’s worth.
Go back to your recent post where you responded to Jada and read it again. Then read my comment to you again.
I suggested that you let go of any unrealistic expectations that you have regarding your brother.
In this post, you immediately say that you have let go.
No, you haven’t let go, because if you had you wouldn’t be as bothered by your brother’s behavior.
When a person works through these emotions they don’t feel as deeply about these things as you do. They may be slightly annoyed but they don’t ruminate over things like you do. They aren’t angry anymore. They usually see both sides of the story.
Why are you continuing to bring up the past? It’s over! Why did you launch into talking about why your brother should apologize to you? Would an apology even be good enough for you? Have you already given him a life sentence for his actions?
You do not have to be defensive about everything. This is probably why your brother became uncomfortable talking to you.
If you can’t take it then stop dishing it out. That turns people off.
Do you think that you haven’t said or done anything to him that hurt him? I bet that you have. All people say hurtful things at times. Have you apologized to him?
Your behavior may have brought out his worst behavior. There is a way to criticize someone’s behavior without being disrespectful or degrading. Or coming off as superior.
Don’t bring up his wife and children in everything. They are his family. Be respectful of his choices.
Does it really matter who said what or did what first or who apologizes first? Really?
Have you ever thought about criticism being meant to be constructive?
Have you wondered if they are sick of hearing you complain about the same thing over and over?
News flash! All siblings have had their share of disagreements. Some are big and some are small. Some get worked out and some don’t.
I suggested that you give your brother breathing room. You come back with saying that you must interact with him occasionally. No, you don’t. Let him be.
He won’t ever approach you to apologize if you are always in his face. People need time to process things.
Take a step back so if he ever does decide to approach you he has some room to move. No one likes being smothered.
Your life and your brother’s life would be a lot more peaceful if you concentrated on yourself instead of focusing so much on your brother’s behavior.
Lisa, your brother doesn’t need anything from you. He is choosing to live his own life. I suggest that you do the same.
What would you do if a therapist showed you ways to achieve peace in your life? Would you get defensive? Walk out? Criticize them like you have your brother?
Can you list any qualities that you admire about your brother?
The people who have helped me the most in my life were the ones who were honest with me. I appreciate them pointing me in the right direction. I had to do a lot of work to grow and find peace. Trust me, it’s worth it.
And the pants. Does Dad really need them or he just thinks he does. All you needed to do was buy him a couple of pair and send the bill to ur brother for reimbursement. Or better, just eat the cost. Your brother is paying for Dads care. You can't pick up the extras? Maybe brother told Dad that he would get the pants when he could and Dad wants them now. Again, Dad has to realize that brother is paying for his care. And your brother has a right to take Dads SS and any pension and apply it to the cost of his care. OK its his wife and this is something she does not need to do. Brothers POA does not put him in complete charge. If you want to buy something Dad wants the POA has nothing to say about that. So there are no problems between Dad, u and brother, I would have just bought the pants for Dad. You and brother do not use Dad as a go between. There is no need for you to talk to him or his family. Stop finding things to criticize. (Do you have ADHD?) Visit Dad and enjoy the visit. If he brings brother up just say "nice" and change the subject. Or tell him you have found the less you and brother say to each other the better. When u visit, its just you and Dad.
For whatever reason, u and brother at this point have no relationship. Maybe he didn't realize when Dad moved closer to him, Dad was as bad off as he is. That he would be more responsible. And would have to ask his wife to support his father because he did not want him in a NH. He could easily place Dad in LTC and allow Medicaid to foot the bill. He and especially his wife are not responsible to spend 60 to 100k a year on Dad. All brother maybe responsible for is making sure Dad is fed, safe and cared for. If that means a NH with Medicaid paying, so be it. I think you and Dad owe brother and wife a thank you for what they do do for Dad.
So hopefully, this will be the last time we hear criticism concerning Dad and brother. If Dad has problems with the facility, then HE needs to speak up or ask brother to get involved. Its not your problem.
Lisa and the brother are adults. They're not children competing for the affection of mommy and daddy.
It's exactly as I told Barb in the comments here. The pitting one sibling against another is commonplace for seniors especially when they've been placed.
The father is old and probably has dementia. Lisa and the brother are in control of how they respond to the father's supposed instigating. They also have total control of how they will behave to each other.
This is the very definition of adult behavior. If they are unable to behave like adults to each other, they should avoid each other.
The father's alleged instigating and pitting has nothing to do with it.