I tried to help my father who was taking every control of my altzheimer's mother. I spent many nights and days relieving his stress in handling her now mid stage combative altzheimer's condition. I was fine until recently when I did not stay one night and their was some abuse on my mother's part. She hits him when he tries to lock back door at night in order to wait up for her husband who is coming in late from a 30 year old job. She knows my father about 1/2 of day time. Has terrible sundowning. Now I was trying to get help with the County protective services who are involved and he thinks I'm trying to take over his job as soul caretaker. He flips back and forth with wanting leave, sell the house, etc. I feel quilty but know I could never please him or her. Any advice?
Caregiving is an expression of kindness and love.
Here are some key differences between caretaking and caregiving:
•Caretaking feels stressful, exhausting and frustrating. Caregiving feels right and feels like love. It re-energizes and inspires you.
•Caretaking crosses boundaries. Caregiving honors them.
•Caretaking takes from the recepient or gives with strings attached; caregiving gives freely.
•Caretakers don’t practice self-care because they mistakenly believe it is a selfish act.
•Caregivers practice self-care unabashedly because they know that keeping themselves happy enables them to be of service to others.
•Caretakers worry; caregivers take action and solve problems.
•Caretakers think they know what’s best for others; caregivers only know what’s best for themselves.
•Caretakers don’t trust others’ abilities to care for themselves, caregivers trust others enough to allow them to activate their own inner guidance and problem solving capabilities.
•Caretaking creates anxiety and/or depression in the caretaker. Caregiving decreases anxiety and/or depression in the caregiver.
•Caretakers tend to attract needy people. Caregivers tend to attract healthy people. (Hint: We tend to attract people who are slightly above or below our own level of mental health).
•Caretakers tend to be judgmental; caregivers don’t see the logic in judging others and practice a “live and let live attitude.”
•Caretakers start fixing when a problem arises for someone else; caregivers empathize fully, letting the other person know they are not alone and lovingly asks, “What are you going to do about that.”
•Caretakers start fixing when a problem arises; caregivers respectfully wait to be asked to help.
•Caretakers tend to be dramatic in their caretaking and focus on the problem; caregivers can create dramatic results by focusing on the solutions.
•Caretakers us the word “You” a lot and Caregivers say “I” more.
As with changing any behavior, becoming aware of it is the first step. Watch yourself next time you are with someone and ask yourself where you fall on the continuum. It will take some work to change and you may experience some resistance and fear in the process — but what is on the other side is well worth the struggles of transformation.
great point about not helping unless asked to . my aunt has always been extremely skilled with her hands . i always let her fumble with small tasks unless she gives up and shoves the item at me . her daughter on the other hand always comes into the nh telling edna and anyone else who will listen what she knows is best for edna . pia has gotten a little better about the dictating but she still stands and demands answers to hard questions that edna barely understands . theres a striking difference between how pia and myself operate . pia crowds , pushes , and bullies .