Letter to my brothers: Tell me what you think.
I have a draft of a letter that I want to send my two brothers who live for free in a house that Mom bought for the oldest. Please give me your opinions. We are already estranged so I am not worried about ruining any relationships. XXXXX and XXXX, I wanted to bring you up to speed on Mom and her health and fiancés. Mom has been experiencing a rapid physical and mental decline over the past several months. For quite a while, she has been able to "showtime" (google showtime&dementia) and she appears more together than she actually is. In reality, she often forgets how to pick up an eating utensil or how to move her feet when walking. I understand that transportation is an issue for each of you but a phone call costs nothing but time. Take the opportunity to enjoy your relationship with her while you still can. But, please be kind and try not to cause her worry. Please do not call her and regale her with a list of woes. Your trials and tribulations cause her unnecessary worry and that anxiety has a detrimental effect on her mental acuity. Speaking of woes...Mom is going to need higher level of caregiving and more hours than before. Up until now, I have been able to handle all of her expenses without digging into her savings. From here on out, I will have to move money from savings and investments to cover the increased costs. Dad provided well for Mom but he did so for the sole purpose of making sure that she had enough money to cover her needs. Even if she runs out of money, I will always make sure that Mom has a roof over her head but when she runs out of money for care and medical expenses, she will have to go on Medicaid. Medicad will require that she show that she did not give all of her money away to protect it. This not only includes gifts but also paying someone's bills. The look back period for Medicaid is 5 years. If Medicaid determines that money was given away, it must be paid back and spent on her care before Medicaid will pay for any medical services. In light of this, I need you to start coming up with a plan to pay your bills. In 2016, Mom paid utilities for the Baltimore house to the tune of $6847.99 which averages to $570.66 per month. This figure does NOT include gifts from her to you, car insurance (when she was paying it) vet bills or groceries. On May 1, 2017, I will take Mom's name off of the water and electric bills and thereby close the accounts. You need to have the bills put in your name prior to that time in order to avoid a disruption of service. You will probably need a checking account to open an account with the utility companies so please do not procrastinate in getting this done.
If you think your brothers are like that, I would put the paragraph about Mom will need a higher level of care at the start of the letter, along with the information about changing utilities.
Not too many people would be willing to write such a letter, and have the courage to proceed as you have.
Please get an attorney to prepare the eviction notices that will be necessary now, because it has been my experience ......well...I don't need to go into that.
And, if you have POA, can you shorten the time to 30 days instead of until May 1st? The reason, you might need more than you thought out for an attorney to evict the brothers when they don't pay.
Also, have you checked with the utility companies if Mom still owns the home, can her name be removed from the utilities? Will there be a rental agreement stating they will be paying the utilities?
All sorts of legal stuff going on that I know nothing about.
The letter is only warning that he will have to pay the bills. Eviction is not an issue. Mom paid cash for the house about 15 or so years ago and she has made it clear that she will always put a roof over his head and she has specifically left the house to him in her will.
'The house is in her name, no mortgage. I should be able to shut off utilities with no problem. I do that with rental houses when I find a tenant. I usually give them a day or two overlap before I cut services but I have never had a utility question it.
The eviction is a non issue but, if it was, I am not afraid of it. A few years ago, brother moved in with mom in her much nicer home and pretty much used his other home for storage. When I took custody of Mom, I gave him time to move out (with written notice). When it became apparent that he was holding her nice house hostage and refusing to move back to his craphole, I had him formerly evicted in court. He voluntarily moved out before the sheriff showed up but not before tying the house up for 10 months. The house rents for $2400/month so I see it as him having screwed her out of $24K.
This whole thing will be a shock to him. This will be the first time in his 55 years on this planet that he will have to pay his own bills.
The other brother moved in with him this past year so I am addressing it to both of them to sort out the bills. He has asked Mom for money a few times in his life but would usually rather be homeless than ask. He has worked sporadically over the years but has not been able to find work since sometime last Fall.
Medicaid applicants can own ONE house. If worse comes to worse and she has to apply, having that second house in her name will be an issue. She may have to sell it and use the funds for her care. Also allowing someone to live there rent-free may be seen as gifting, as will paying the utilities, etc.
I wonder if now would be a good time to consult an attorney specializing in Elder Law to verify how to get all the ducks in a row for a future time when she might need Medicaid, and to arrange things to put that time off as far as possible.
Your letter is a great start on straightening things out, but I think you ought to have the legal advice of an expert, to learn if there are additional things you can/should do.
Your letter is very well written! As a former English teacher, I suggest, however, that you focus on one topic in this letter, and that should be finances. Ask yourself, "What do I want the readers to know/do as a result of reading this?" Be very clear about that, perhaps even putting the key items in bullet points. Don't dilute that message with unrelated points. In another letter you can tell them how much mother enjoys hearing from them, etc. But this letter should be (in my opinion) 1) This is the current financial situation and 2) this is how that affects you.
Keep us informed. This is quite interesting and I'm sure I'm not the only one wishing you the best and curious to see how this works out.
When we were growing up, he was dubbed a genius by my parent's and destined for greatness. He attended private schools the whole way through and was a merit scholar semi finalist. So, he is not stupid. He is one of those really smart people who has no common sense.
He is incredibly narassistic and thinks that people should be grateful that he allows them to do things for him. He feels that he is entitled to a nice home and to have all of his bills paid
He claims to be totally disabled by fibromyalgia but when there is something he wants to do, he manages to recover.
I contend that if he is truly disabled, he should be getting SSDI or something.
I included the links to utility assistance because years ago, when he was blogging but didn't know I was reading his blog, I saw where he admitted that he knew about such assistance but could not get up in time to make there before they closed. .... At 4:30!
No, we would much rather have Mom pay the bills than wake up in time to apply for welfare.
I applaud your fairness in giving your brothers notice of changes that will have a significant impact on them. It is - I am not being ironic - very nice of you to take that trouble. You do, after all, have the authority to take actions that would dump them neck-deep in the umska, and you are under no obligation to give their welfare - let alone their convenience - a second's thought. Except, that is, insofar as you represent your mother, and you know very well that their welfare is a long-established concern of your mother's. So, that much, then.
But your priority is the maximisation of your mother's assets in order to serve her best interests and achieve the best possible quality of life for her life. So I agree, that wouldn't include giving a couple of freeloaders an easy ride.
All the same. Eyes on the prize.
Your priority is to get your brothers to pay attention to the changes you are telling them about, and to act on the notice you are giving them. Anything else, at this particular point, is clutter which will divert their attention from the main focus and make you less likely to achieve what you really want to. Save it for another time. Better yet, save your mental energy.
Try: "Dear [brothers]. You will be aware of mother's progressive physical and mental frailties. You may be aware of the healthcare and living costs associated with these, which typically range from $x-$y per month in [her state]. You may not be aware of the implications regarding our mother's finances and her likely need to access Medicaid: these are outlined below, but in brief she cannot continue to support you. Indeed it is possible you may find yourselves liable to reimburse her for moneys already laid out.
[bit about utilities, rent and so forth, highlighting what they need to do, check-listed]
[useful websites]
I will be happy to clarify any major issues that you do not understand, but not to embark on protracted discussions or negotiations. Bottom line: the money has run out.
I would have an attorney write the letter to send to brothers. You say you are not concerned about your relationship with them, so show them you mean business.
That you have bad relationships with your brothers is of no relevance to you being your mother's POA.
Should you choose to send the letter yourself, at the very least copy your mother's attorney and send the letter certified mail return receipt requested. And get all the personal stuff/snark out of it because you cannot control what your brothers do and this letter is putting them on notice of your plans for your mother's house.
And that she left the house to your brother is immaterial should she need Medicaid. It is not up to the good taxpayers of Maryland to pay for your mother's caregiving expenses when there is an asset available to do so.
I was mentioning the will in response to everyone who thinks this is about eviction. She will never put him out unless she had no choice due to the state taking the house
Gladimhere, I have no intention of paying his bills until she passes. I was just having a bad moment with Mom when I typed that she not be with us long. Mom is not actually dying of anything. She has diabetes, high blood pressure and high cholesterol but all of her numbers are actually very good for a person of her age. Other than the chronic UTI's she has no medical issues. Of course, due to the UTIs and subsequent hospitalization, she is so weak she can barely walk and her cognitive abilities are in a sudden great decline. She has not been evaluated for hospice.
But, he needs to know that if she were to die, I would be legally unable to pay his bills while the estate is being probated. He had better have a plan in place either way because I am cutting him off.
I sent a letter to my brother about a month ago stating the financial situation and that I will be cancelling the utilities on May 1. No response.
Knowing that he has claimed to have problems receiving mail in the past, I sent an email last night. It was not as elegantly worded but the gist was the same.
Well, he emailed me. His first comment was that he never got the letter or his birthday card (Feb 27) - more on that later.
He then asked if Mom's surviving spouse veteran benefits isn't kicking in enough.
He finished with a comment that May 1 is not a lot of time to fix this with zero resources.
WTH?!? 55 years is not enough time to learn to stand on your own two feet? If I gave him 6 months...a year... two years, it would never be enough time. Nope, today's the day (actually May 1 is the day but that sounded better).
And, I researched the veterans benefits angle. Mom makes too much money to qualify.
And, by birthday card, he really meant birthday check. I told him that Mom cannot even sign her name anymore, make less purchase birthday cards, or even remember that it was his birthday. So essentially any birthday cards going out are coming from me and I would never send him one. I said that I paid his $500 electric bill on his birthday and thought that should be present enough.
DO NOT SHUT OFF the utilities.
Even though they have not paid rent...they are still considered tenants. Do not shut off the utilities...that is called a constructive eviction..and the judge will come down hard on you. I mean, you could end up having to pay your brother's thousands of dollars for doing that to them.
You must go through the formal process of eviction...and then take it to the judge to get the order of eviction. Even then, you cannot cut off the utilities until they are gone,
The difference is that you did this while the new tenant was moving it...your brothers are long term already
Immediately, you send another letter. Certified (so you can prove it). State simply that they must move by April 30. Again in the middle of April...you send the same letter plus a separate letter explaining that you will have no recourse but to file for eviction (hold-over) on May 1 if they are still there. Seeking a judge to order eviction and removal. You must give them one full month for notice. In California it is 2 full months for legal notice. So..if you wait until April 1 ...then the notice period cannot include April (since you would not have given the notice in time for the full month of April to be counted).
You can always negotiate a payment and cut over of utilities...but, by placing the issues so strongly...you make it clear that this is a line in the sand that you will not allow them to cross. After all...they have been freeloading for years...and more than that...they have been hearing threats from you. They may not actually believe you now. BUT...do not cut off utilities...
Just as an aside...I have been a landlord for nearly 40 years... once the new tenant moves in, if the bill is still in your name you are running a huge risk cutting off the utilities. Safest method...do not allow them to actually move in until those utilities are in their name. If you ever run into a new tenant that is landlord/tenant law savvy...they can cause you a huge financial loss if you do this to them
I appreciate your feedback and warnings. I will have to figure something out. Eviction is not an option. My mother has made it clear that she will always put a roof over his head. If I were to evict him from that house, that might be what it would take for her to decide to remove me as POA.
Yes, they have been freeloading for years but no, they have never heard any unfulfilled threats from me in the past. I have really only had this issue with the oldest. The younger brother just moved in with him last November. In the past, older loser was holding Mom's large house hostage because her other house (that she bought for him to live in) was in such disrepair as to be almost uninhabitable. He demanded thousands of dollars in repairs before he would agree to move out of her house. Of course, like the blackmailer who won't give the negatives back and will keep making demands, I knew that fixing this would just lead to "this" demand that we fix "that".
So, I took him to court and had him legally evicted so that I could rent the big house out. Yes, he was actually tying up two houses at once. His squatting for 10 months cost mom $24,000 in unrealized rent and he has not a care in the world about it.
I think I will call the lawyer that I used for the eviction and ask for suggestions. Thank you for your warning.
If a public guardian were appointed (not a bad idea for your workload), she would force the issue of non payment of rent and utilities. Just because your mom wanted things a certain way does not mean they will happen that way once you are fully in charge.
The wish for her houses to be left to one or another is moot if the asset is no longer owned by her. I know you are concerned about the brothers coming back and tattling on you to mom. That's where the attorney's advice comes in. He will have good advice for you!
In that case, I do have that one carrot (or dagger) to hold over my brother. Pay your own utilities or you will be evicted altogether.
When we had him evicted from the big house, he was claiming that the small house was unsafe and uninhabitable (and he may be right). He made a veiled threat to call the City of Baltimore and have them take action to make Mom fix the house. The lawyer shut him down right there and then. OK, go ahead, have it declared uninhabitable, we will just have to kick you out of that house too and then what would you do? Of course, he put it much more lawyerly than that.
Another idea about the utilities - how about just not paying them? Atty might be able to send a letter saying the brother is now fully responsible for paying utilities. If he does not pay, they will be turned off because of non-payment. You don't need to protect your mom's credit rating for her to take out loan - and if the utilities get a judgment against her, they get paid first out of any assets of the estate. Ask the atty - this might be the easy route to take.
Finally, I would look into the smaller home's value and condition (appraisal). If it is a danger, it might be your duty to protect your mother from liability by either 1) spending money to demolish the unsafe house or 2) selling that house to reduce her exposure to risk. If you ask the appraiser/building inspector/other expert for his opinion in a letter, then you have someone else to blame for your action. Mthr's 2 storey, heavily hoarded house cost 40k to scrape to dirt parking lot quality in a small town, and it was worth every penny not to worry about vagrants and druggies.
One thing that hasn't been addressed: are those items in her name only? And if the house is totally in brother's name, are they sending her the tax and insurance bills that need paid? Perhaps, if you can add up all Mom has paid in 2016 for them and say that's just one year, so the amount they will have to repay would be 5 times that, it would shock them into realizing how much they've basically stolen from Mom.
Does your mom have any control over her check book so that if they whine to Mom she will just write a check without your approval?
Good luck with this. I believe the right is on your side here. I doubt they would ever pay back what's been paid for them in the past, but you need to get them out of the financial picture for the future. Hopefully, your mom won't have to need Medicaid for awhile.
Please let us know how things progress. Many of us might find ourselves in the same situation.
I think your eldest brother is a carbon copy of mine....I read all the posts and honestly, I just cannot fathom what some people think of as "theirs". My brother felt, (as the eldest MAN) he was entitled to EVERYTHING. My parents HAD to sell their home and move into an apartment with another brother b/c oldest Brother had them hoodwinked into taking out 2 huge mortgages against their home. Of course he never paid them back. He mooched off one person or another to the day he died. (Owing every member of the family money, and his attorney a LOT of money!)
I can only wish you the best of luck. This is an example of family craziness run amok--enabled by and paid for by your mom. It's a common theme here.
I think you have enough good advice to make the move on these guys. And, if your brother was like mine, it ALWAYS took involving a lawyer to scare them enough to DO something.
Wow. Keep us updated. You sound very tough. ( And I would agree with the posters who said to keep the "snark" out of the letters. That may make you feel better, but believe me, the brothers are going to ignore that and it isn't going to make them call mom.
Do you have power of attorney? If not, then do so immediately. You can cut off all the bill paying your mother has been doing. Don't expect your brothers to help. They know how things are, and it makes no difference to them as long as she keeps supporting their needs. Is the home in your mother's name? If so, transfer the title to the elder brother since she bought it for him. What your mother has done in the past was out of love. What your brothers are doing in the present is shameful. I do not know their circumstances, but your number one priority is to care for your mother, and if they are not on the same page, then do what you know is right for HER.