The first step would now cooperate with me so I will add it here. I know that thousands of people have had to put a loved one in a nursing home. I also imagine that 95% of those people had a family, friends, or a loved one to talk to; lean on; cry on;.. I have no friends or family where I am, and I have discovered that there are no support groups nor therapists around here. There is a shrink at the hospital but my current budget doesn't allow for that
My question is, how did the 3-5% make it alone? Please, one of you tell me how you did it without severe guilt and depression. I go to bed at night crying. I get up the next day and before I can brush my teeth even I am crying. I can't go into mom's room without literally bawling my eyes out. I mowed the lawn yesterday. I looked out at it after I was finished and thought "this is how mom likes it. I sure wish she could see it". Then more tears. I really don't know what to do. I am like a lost puppy wandering around without any direction. I have no motivation to do much. I eat sometimes, if I feel hungry. I can't take her out anywhere because I can't get her into and out of her wheelchair and into my car. I am absolutely miserable!! Someone PLEASE help me.
Inappropriate guilt must be one of the biggests wastes of psychic entergy there is. There are a lot of things you might be feeling now: regret, sadness, lonliness, relief, hope, exhaustion. Please don't add guilt to that pile unless you really deserve it. Your job as a loving caregiving daughter is not over. It has just taken a new direction. You need your strength and your serenity. How do you live the guilt? Toss it out. You didn't earn it, you don't deserve it, and it will just drain energy you should be using to get on with this next stage in the relationship with your mother and of living your own life.
Leave the guilt for some young punk who has knocked down a little old man and stolen his wallet.
If you are alone, with no family in the area, you are feeling the loss of your Mother's presence. They fill up such a big space in our lives because of their needs but also there is an intimacy that happens when you care for someone so closely. You are missing that.
Visit your Mom as often as you can, but go in thinking of the NH as her new "home." You wouldn't enter a friend's home and start crying...so don't do it in front of your Mom. You will both feel better.
On thing that really helped Mom when she was in rehab, was to surround her with familiar things. I brought her an afghan coverlet, a few photos, some of her favorite treats, and bought her some bright clothes to wear.
When you are at the NH can you take her out for strolls around the courtyard? Do they have a cafe on the grounds? Anything you can do to give her a variety of surroundings will help her mental state.
And please, please, stop beating yourself up over your decision. You know in your heart that if you could care for her properly at home you would have. You did the loving thing. Now you can concentrate on being her daughter again.
Come her often...no one is alone here!