So defeated. I met the love of my life two years ago and moved across the country to be with him. He lived with his father, but I understood this to be because he was single, and that we were going to find a place of our own to raise a family and grow old together.
Once here, I slowly began to realize that this wasn't going to be the case. This house is my husband's childhood home. It looks like it, too. His mother passed in 1993, god bless her, and it is like a museum of her. She was what I would call a light "hoarder" of nick nacks. They clutter every shelf in every room in the house, undusted and untouched since her death, random, ugly adhesive stickers mar otherwise pretty sliding glass doors with no sense of decorating rhyme or reason. Carpets are filthy, even her headbands, matted with decades of dust, still hang from knobs on my father-in-law's bathroom wall.
This is a house from the past, a house with a LOT of ghosts. My boyfriend has recounted horrifying things that happened here throughout his childhood because of his mother and father's turbulent relationship. It is amazing how those same horrible screaming behaviors seem to have gradually found their way into OUR relationship as well over time, when this is not the way I am and NOT the way I like to live.
My father-in-law has a rare blood cancer but is doing fine on that front. It is a mostly dormant cancer that will likely not affect his longevity. He demonstrates occasional dementia but is a very intelligent, highly-educated man who reads the NY Times every morning. He is 84.
He wakes up every morning and heads straight to his chair, expecting us to bring him a glass of orange juice and a cup of coffee while he reads the paper. We are mainly responsible for providing and serving his meals, and taking his dirty dishes. He can do these things, mind you, it has just become a sort of expectation of his.
He also feels that this relationship consists of the three of us, or rather he and my boyfriend as the primary, me as the third. At least, that is how I feel. My relationship with my boyfriend has deteriorated over time, a huge factor being that we continue to live here. There is no real privacy except to retreat to my partner's small childhood room and close the door. I feel like I am in a prison!
We now have had a baby, who is 8 months old. The baby lives in the little room with us!
My father-in-law is so stuck in not moving forward. He won't let me remove the nick nacks to modernize the house or make it a cleaner place, everything is a throwback to the 60's and 70's (orange couch) but it won't ever change and he is thrilled with it. He hates the baby's swing, bouncy and other things being out in common areas yet we have no visitors and sometime these things save my life as a new mom. He likes to "position" himself in different areas that provide the best vantage points to the most places in the home so he can see much of where anyone goes and see what we do. He tends to watch shamelessly, which I consider nosy and rude. He honks his nose when he blows it, which is all the time. He passes long, horribly watery sounding gas in front of others and I am expected to have zero reaction out of politeness. I am supposed to care for him and his medical matters. I am supposed to solve every problem he works his way into. He is almost completely deaf yet wears hearing aids that scream feedback throughout the house. You must yell until you are hoarse for him to hear you. He is. ALWAYS. HERE. Always watching. Hyper-vigilant of the baby. The second he sees our baby even fuss, he over-reacts (not good for baby to get used to) and gets upset at me. He has antiquated notions of child rearing and inserts his opinions where they are not wanted (no, I am NOT going to stop breastfeeding at 6 months because you make a face and say that seems like "time to stop").
Did I mention that I moved here from my own home? I never would have come if I knew my life would have deteriorated to this.
THIS IS NOT MY HOUSE. I HATE THIS HOUSE. I WANT TO MOVE OUT!!!!
It has been two years! Although I really love him, I am finding myself starting to resent my father-in-law for what I see as the obstacle to my relationship, my happiness, my freedom, etc. That seems so wrong and unfair to me (for me to blame him) that I am considering ending my relationship just to get away. I know this is all stemming from the frustration of the circumstances and would subside if I had my own place. I just don't know how much longer I can do this.
My boyfriend and I are engaged. We are also expecting another child. His father has guilt-tripped him into staying here, or else my partner has some serious underlying issues related to his family and this house.
Either way, the time has come to go in one direction or another. This is consuming me. Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks!
We're a mixed community here, supposidly with one issue in common: that of caring for aging loved ones. Some of us are who and what we say we are. Some of us are not. Some of us like to stir things up and say outrageous things with no ill will intended. Others say hurtful things, probably because they're sick and suffering and they feel the need to last out. I say let it go. I get some very good suggestions here. The stuff that isn't helpful I ignore.
As LadeeM stated we are a family here, in my case a supporting one I don't conventially have.
My family means the world to me.. If you mess with them... It's gonna be a bad day for you..
As far as I can tell, the goat is not a caregiver. She is just an unemployed person living in her mother's house and views her with contempt. We never hear about any caregiving.
This is for everyone else.... please stop this mess.... she is triggering things in us and we are reacting.... she does not want help, she does not need friends, she does not want to be a 'part of' what we do here...... so let her be who she is..... makes me sad for everyone involved..... we all have such stressful lives, and so much to worry about..... a hundred years from now, will it REALLY matter what 'dusty' says????? NO.... personally it doesn't matter to me now...much less a hundred years from now.....
We are a family here.... at least to me ya'll are family.... and I tend to disappear when ugliness is happening.... the only reason I am even saying anything,,, I reached out to 'dusty' as one alcoholic to another, and got no reply.... her agenda has nothing to do with what we do here.... come on ladies....lets be proud to stick together and do the right things for the right reasons...... love you all and pray she receives no more attention..... thanks for letting me share.....
BTW, religious orders are NOT terribly likely to accept someone so they can abandon their children. Children form loving attachments to the imperfect people who are their parents, and severing them is devastating in any event.
I can fully understand you don't like getting this kind of feedback, but much of it has been delivered reasonably kindly and the cross talk around here seems pretty reasonable for an internet forum to me. We are serious too - examine your own heart and your motives first before tossing around words like "fornication", to someone who did not even mention sexual activity.
That house is not a healthy place to raise children. I'm thinking of mold and little nicknacks sitting within around within a toddler's reach that can be swallowed, furniture that can fall over and crush them as they start to walk, not to mention the bossy, constantly staring, critical grandpa. Where will the new baby sleep? In the same tiny room you share with your fiance and your current baby?
This is a mess, and you need an unbiased professional who is trained in family counseling to help you sort it out.
I'm not sure who you were writing to in this thread. The first post was in March. Today's posts were started by a different person. You seem to be writing to the March post. I don't know if they are here anymore. You know how people come and go as needed.
I remember once you wrote that you don't read other threads. Maybe you should ask yourself why. I don't expect an answer to this, since I suppose that you won't read it.