My dad got insulted and moved out of our house & in with my sister. He refuses to have contact with us now. He has held grudges his whole life against his own family and now 2 of his children. At his advanced age he now realizes that he needs help with all because my mom, me or now my sister has always helped him pay bills, fix meals, take him to dr appts and deal with uncomfortable life situations. Recently he even refused to go to his eldest sister's funeral. Since then his nerves have created a loss of appetite , loneliness and deep depression. I feel so sad for him but he has shut us out. We really sincerely don't know how to help him if he won't even speak to us. I want a relationship with him but he refuses. My sister, who is now responsible for his care,is angry & sad too because her life is now all about caring for our dad & he has convinced her that we asked him to move out of our house as well as other perceived mistreatment. We spoiled him beyond belief! What a mess! I love my dad with all my heart but just feel helpless. Any advice?
This is a real question.
Was he once a thriving, kind and gentle man who raised you with love, and has now descended into a dark place due to depression of illness?
You Sister hasn't written us, and I know you will have told her about the Forum. I hope she will. If she does I will address her issues to her.
I would simply, with your father, reach out with a simple SHORT note:
"Dear Dad: I just wanted you to know I am thinking of you and hope you are well. I miss you, and I would love to be more a support to you and Sis. I hope you will reach out to me if and when you wish to talk or have a visit, or if you need me".
THEN I would get on with my own life.
To give respect and lay gifts at the feet of people who treat us with disrespect is to tell them that we enjoy being the kicked dog, and that they are right to kick us.
Get on with helping people who will love you and bring you joy.
Support your Sis with shopping trips, casseroles, kind words, helping her where she needs you and where it doesn't expose you to your father. Encourage her to ask your Dad if he would like to see a doc about depression and anger issues. Encourage her to consider whether or not she is willing to sacrifice her time and her family to 24/7 caregiving or whether she should consider placement for Dad so she can reclaim her life.
In general we get more bees with honey. How Dad is doing it with vinegar is the question to be considered. We often play "needy" if it gets us the most attention.
Best of luck to you.
Help those who need and want your help. The world is so full of need.
You ARE helpless to fix a man who's this broken, I'm afraid. When he get's 'insulted' by some perceived infraction your sister doles out and wants to move back in with you, I'd put the kabosh on that stat. It's time for dad to move into managed care like Assisted Living when he burns his bridges the next time. Enough is enough. He doesn't need spoiling anymore, what he needs is some tough love and someone to tell him NO for a change! Whoever holds POA for dad needs to decide what the next move is for him.
Wishing you the best of luck detaching from this situation and deciding not to take dad back in when he knocks on your door next time.