Long distance situation. Have you done this and how did it impact your relationships?

Hi Rudy. I’m male, age 67, married and started long distance caring for my parents at about age 60 from 600 miles away. Fortunately I had just retired about the time my folks were beginning to fail. I was dealing with dementia and a bunch of medical and mobility issues.

I would make the long drive on an as needed basis, usually every month or so. I usually stayed for a week, more or less, depending on what was happening.

I finally got them into a care facility near their home. This made things SO much easier. Then I could drive down for short visits and check on them. After my mom died I moved dad into a facility near me. No more 12 hour drives.

Those few years were very difficult for me and my wife. But she was very understanding and helpful with all the financial nightmares my dad had created and all the legal stuff I had to go through. I think though, if I had been gone for weeks at a time it could have been very rough on our marriage.

It’s a balancing act to care for elders and maintaining your own life. There were a couple times I felt like I might go down with the ship but I’d get through it and keep moving on.

Good luck with this.

Sometimes you think that once the kids are grown it's all clear sailing until one of you gets sick, but it isn't. Elderly parents happen first.

Yes, it's hard, and yes, it's unexpected change with no end in sight, but you really need to be as supportive as possible. This is a terribly stressful time for your wife, and I'm sure she's doing the best she can.

I went with my dad to a fairly routine doctor's appointment, and the doctor told him "You have cancer -- I'm sorry, but there's nothing we can do."

I didn't go home again for two months until I'd buried my dad and placed my mother in a nursing home. My husband called every night, and he'd come up on Sundays so we could all have dinner together. He brought me clothes, he'd make dinner and bring it on Sundays, and while I was gone he had the whole house painted inside -- a job I'd been dreading. In short, he allowed to focus 100% on the life-shattering changes in my family without worrying whether he was feeling neglected.

I think my husband knew I'd built up some credit for single-handedly keeping our house and family going in the years he was traveling for work. He stepped up when it mattered, and I hope you can, too.

I just returned to my own home last week after caring for my father (86) with latter-stage dementia for about 18 months. He had lived with my brother after my mother died but that became impossible after a year but I was able to step in,

My husband and I zoomed and called every day. Either I would go home or he would come up (FL to MI) about once a month. My siblings and my college-age kids filled those interims. We also had VA caregivers who came a couple days a week so I could get some free time then, too. Even with this support, as anyone living with Dementia knows, it is pretty difficult.

I know if my dad could understand, he would not have wanted me to leave my home in the first place, but it's still super sad and guilt inducing to hand over his care to others. Much like yourself, moving him down with me would mean the rest of the family would rarely see him plus we would have to pack up and move in order to accommodate his needs. We all agreed it was time for MC.

It was a lot like a military deployment. Coming off of it is a little weird and we are still readjusting. But for us, communication, communication, and knowing it would end eventually got us through. I hope you and your wife can find the way through, too.

Dementia NEVER gets easier, only harder and harder. And while it does seem like it never ends, we all know, sadly, that it does.

I was the traveling one for a while and it was bad — even when I was home, I was handling phone calls about my Dad, dealing with issues — I would barely unpack before I was back on a plane. If you ever want to fly from DC to Portland, Maine, I can rattle off every airline and their flight schedule! My husband was very understanding but it really wasn't sustainable. We decided to move my Dad to an AL near us and while that creates it's own challenges (and I had to sell his house myself from eight states away!) in the end it was way better. I would encourage your spouse to think about the long term and perhaps helping their parent move closer in some way.

I am with my partner now for just about the same amount of time, Rudy. When my brother fell very ill at the other end of the state my partner helped me all he could. An accident represented the "acute" phase, but also meant my brother was "incidentally diagnosed" with probable early Lewy's Dementia. During the acute stage, one week of hospitalization, and four weeks rehab I was first there WITH my partner helping with a whole mess of stuff, my bro's demolished truck and many other things, helping us get a Lawyer to draw up POA/Trust papers when my bro asked if I would handle all of his business affairs, bills, etc; my partner drove me around, helping get in a notary, shopping, giving his support, taking me out for meals and making me even laugh a bit.
The next steps for my brother involved deciding if he could remain home in small home with a lot of help, or go into ALF, and then, after the latter was the final choice/outcome, my partner helped me work through being Trustee of Trust and POA. I went back and forth, staying one to two weeks at a time. He let me do some of the back and forth on my own, but always told me "If you need me, call and I will be on the next flight".
We are of a certain age. I have to tell you that he, my partner, was NOTHING but helpful and supportive this ENTIRE time. Not once did he question my/our choices (my brother's and mine). Nor my choices.
For myself, with a much beloved brother, it was difficult NOT to say to myself "Why are you not staying HERE, in So. Cal. now, for the remainder of your bro's life, when he has always been Hansel to your Gretel, always the best man you ever knew, always been there for you". But the truth was I could not. I could have assisted my bro living more near ME, but the bay area is exhorbitantly expensive in terms of in- facility care, and living together would not have worked. We own a two flat and occupy a really quite small upper. Also, my bro didn't want to come "home" to the bay area; he had become a So Cal boy and his ex partner, friend was there in the same facility he eventually chose to move into after sale of his last home, with me helping.
So yes, I was OFTEN gone. Very busy. Negotiating a job I never could have imagined until I took it on as POA/Trustee, preoccupied and afraid. I was often afraid, pre-occupied, confused, and dreadfully dreadsully sad.
And in ALL of that time my partner was supportive to the inth degree.I will always be thankful for that. He would have done even MORE if I had allowed him. My Germanic control over billing, filing, record keeping, communications, made me take most of that on myself, but had I just asked, my partner was always offering his help.
Now my bro is gone. He died two years after all this, of Sepsis.
The fact that my domestic partner was so supportive to me has done nothing but strengthen my love, my respect and my contentment with my him.
So basically, you asked for my story. I know very little about yours; but you now have mine. I leave it there for any help that may be to you. My domestic partner and I started strong, ended even more strong. I will be grateful to him to the day I die.
Good luck to you and yours.

I think with something like this, eventually options need to be looked at.

How bad is the person's heath? This will depend on what type of facility they enter. Can they afford an Assisted Living or Memory Care? Depending on the State, Medicaid does not pay for these types of facilities. NJ may pay after the person has at least paid privately for two years. If they can't pay for an AL, then its a LTC facility with Medicaid, SS and any pension paying the bill. But, they need to be 24/7 care.

Its hard enough being a Caregiver when you live in the same town or house. Put traveling hours back and forth is added stress. Your spouse will not be able to do this for long. Decisions will need to be made. Bring the person nearer to you. Do not move them in with u.
Place the person where they live and visit when u can. Move closer to them.

Your spouse needs to realize their family, husband and children, are #1. That parents become #2 when you married. As long as her parent/s are placed where they are safe and cared for, spouse has done their job. We don't have to physically care for them.

Woman here. I'm in this now. I left Dec 19th and thought I'd be back on Dec 27. I'm still trapped 8 states away. It sucks.

Welcome, Rudy!

Others here have had this experience, I have not.

In your shoes, I would be concerned that your Significant Other is running herself ragged.

When she is home, have you had a serious conversation about what her long term plan is?

Is it possible to move the elder closer?

Are there funds for care?

My partner of 10 years and I have lived split lives for almost 3 years now. I live in Texas, he in South Carolina. He has a daughter in high school and an elderly parent close by so needs to stay where he is. It was not an option to move mom to SC. Mom is 87 has ALZ and slow progressing LGL leukemia and could no longer manage alone. I bought a house and moved here to help her navigate as I’m her POA and Executrix. My partner and I talk almost every night. I know he struggles hearing my exhaustion, frustration and exasperation over the phone. I make short trips back to SC when I can get others to stay with mom. He works from home so he comes to TX when he can make arrangements with his daughter in school and in his own situation. In all we probably spend 4 weeks a year together with most of that time in Texas. He supports me 100% and I him as well, in whatever way we can manage. That support changes form depending on the situation. Yes, it’s frustrating at times and really just flat hard at other times, but we love each other and get through it.
Mom just moved to Assisted Living this month so that may free up a little more travel/trips back and forth, but travel does get expensive. It’s a 16 hour drive, so it takes me two days by car. It’s at least a $500 plane ticket.
We know this is not our permanent situation, but we don’t know if this is our situation for the next 6 months or 10 years. We focus on one day at a time, try not to plan too far into the future, talk A LOT and stay committed to the end goal.

Hang in Rudy. I was the spouse who was "absent" for most of the time, caring for my Mom. My husband was my rock through all of it, although I know there were many lonely and frustrating days for him. We stopped going away on vacations, we spent free time apart 75% of the time, when I was home I was barely present. He remained supportive through it all, and I could not have done it all without his uncomplaining support. He was there carrying my Mom during her last week on earth, there for her last breath. It has made me love him more.
This time is a test of your love and support but it will not last forever. Right now you are the glue keeping your wife together. From prior posts, I see there are other siblings and that your MIL will soon be in a care facility, which will alleviate a good portion of your wife's time there. Slowly, you will both survive these emotionally & physically draining months. Eventually, you will both look back at this time and feel grateful and at peace with the journey, and the love that fueled it. God bless you.