A recent elder care situation has had my spouse away from home around 3/4 of the time for the last several months, with no real end in sight. I have traveled with her as much as I can. If you’ve been involved in a situation where either you or your spouse has been away from home for an extended period, I’d appreciate any insight on how you dealt with it, how it impacted your relationship, and how it impacted other relationships with friends and children. We’ve been together for over 35 years, and this is a big and sudden change. Thanks.
Others here have had this experience, I have not.
In your shoes, I would be concerned that your Significant Other is running herself ragged.
When she is home, have you had a serious conversation about what her long term plan is?
Is it possible to move the elder closer?
Are there funds for care?
I would make the long drive on an as needed basis, usually every month or so. I usually stayed for a week, more or less, depending on what was happening.
I finally got them into a care facility near their home. This made things SO much easier. Then I could drive down for short visits and check on them. After my mom died I moved dad into a facility near me. No more 12 hour drives.
Those few years were very difficult for me and my wife. But she was very understanding and helpful with all the financial nightmares my dad had created and all the legal stuff I had to go through. I think though, if I had been gone for weeks at a time it could have been very rough on our marriage.
It’s a balancing act to care for elders and maintaining your own life. There were a couple times I felt like I might go down with the ship but I’d get through it and keep moving on.
Good luck with this.
How bad is the person's heath? This will depend on what type of facility they enter. Can they afford an Assisted Living or Memory Care? Depending on the State, Medicaid does not pay for these types of facilities. NJ may pay after the person has at least paid privately for two years. If they can't pay for an AL, then its a LTC facility with Medicaid, SS and any pension paying the bill. But, they need to be 24/7 care.
Its hard enough being a Caregiver when you live in the same town or house. Put traveling hours back and forth is added stress. Your spouse will not be able to do this for long. Decisions will need to be made. Bring the person nearer to you. Do not move them in with u.
Place the person where they live and visit when u can. Move closer to them.
Your spouse needs to realize their family, husband and children, are #1. That parents become #2 when you married. As long as her parent/s are placed where they are safe and cared for, spouse has done their job. We don't have to physically care for them.
The next steps for my brother involved deciding if he could remain home in small home with a lot of help, or go into ALF, and then, after the latter was the final choice/outcome, my partner helped me work through being Trustee of Trust and POA. I went back and forth, staying one to two weeks at a time. He let me do some of the back and forth on my own, but always told me "If you need me, call and I will be on the next flight".
We are of a certain age. I have to tell you that he, my partner, was NOTHING but helpful and supportive this ENTIRE time. Not once did he question my/our choices (my brother's and mine). Nor my choices.
For myself, with a much beloved brother, it was difficult NOT to say to myself "Why are you not staying HERE, in So. Cal. now, for the remainder of your bro's life, when he has always been Hansel to your Gretel, always the best man you ever knew, always been there for you". But the truth was I could not. I could have assisted my bro living more near ME, but the bay area is exhorbitantly expensive in terms of in- facility care, and living together would not have worked. We own a two flat and occupy a really quite small upper. Also, my bro didn't want to come "home" to the bay area; he had become a So Cal boy and his ex partner, friend was there in the same facility he eventually chose to move into after sale of his last home, with me helping.
So yes, I was OFTEN gone. Very busy. Negotiating a job I never could have imagined until I took it on as POA/Trustee, preoccupied and afraid. I was often afraid, pre-occupied, confused, and dreadfully dreadsully sad.
And in ALL of that time my partner was supportive to the inth degree.I will always be thankful for that. He would have done even MORE if I had allowed him. My Germanic control over billing, filing, record keeping, communications, made me take most of that on myself, but had I just asked, my partner was always offering his help.
Now my bro is gone. He died two years after all this, of Sepsis.
The fact that my domestic partner was so supportive to me has done nothing but strengthen my love, my respect and my contentment with my him.
So basically, you asked for my story. I know very little about yours; but you now have mine. I leave it there for any help that may be to you. My domestic partner and I started strong, ended even more strong. I will be grateful to him to the day I die.
Good luck to you and yours.
Yes, it's hard, and yes, it's unexpected change with no end in sight, but you really need to be as supportive as possible. This is a terribly stressful time for your wife, and I'm sure she's doing the best she can.
I went with my dad to a fairly routine doctor's appointment, and the doctor told him "You have cancer -- I'm sorry, but there's nothing we can do."
I didn't go home again for two months until I'd buried my dad and placed my mother in a nursing home. My husband called every night, and he'd come up on Sundays so we could all have dinner together. He brought me clothes, he'd make dinner and bring it on Sundays, and while I was gone he had the whole house painted inside -- a job I'd been dreading. In short, he allowed to focus 100% on the life-shattering changes in my family without worrying whether he was feeling neglected.
I think my husband knew I'd built up some credit for single-handedly keeping our house and family going in the years he was traveling for work. He stepped up when it mattered, and I hope you can, too.
My husband and I zoomed and called every day. Either I would go home or he would come up (FL to MI) about once a month. My siblings and my college-age kids filled those interims. We also had VA caregivers who came a couple days a week so I could get some free time then, too. Even with this support, as anyone living with Dementia knows, it is pretty difficult.
I know if my dad could understand, he would not have wanted me to leave my home in the first place, but it's still super sad and guilt inducing to hand over his care to others. Much like yourself, moving him down with me would mean the rest of the family would rarely see him plus we would have to pack up and move in order to accommodate his needs. We all agreed it was time for MC.
It was a lot like a military deployment. Coming off of it is a little weird and we are still readjusting. But for us, communication, communication, and knowing it would end eventually got us through. I hope you and your wife can find the way through, too.
Dementia NEVER gets easier, only harder and harder. And while it does seem like it never ends, we all know, sadly, that it does.
Mom just moved to Assisted Living this month so that may free up a little more travel/trips back and forth, but travel does get expensive. It’s a 16 hour drive, so it takes me two days by car. It’s at least a $500 plane ticket.
We know this is not our permanent situation, but we don’t know if this is our situation for the next 6 months or 10 years. We focus on one day at a time, try not to plan too far into the future, talk A LOT and stay committed to the end goal.
Impacts:
He didn't get to develop relationships where I lived (since he really didn't live there).
Thankfully our children were grown and out of the house or it would have really impacted them.
I was really lonely... and a little afraid too. Every summer the homes in our area were broken into and people stole stuff. It was a good neighborhood.
We both started building our lives without the other person - not a good way to keep a relationship together.
If your spouse it travelling to help a senior, the better help may be to "help" him or her move closer to you.
This time is a test of your love and support but it will not last forever. Right now you are the glue keeping your wife together. From prior posts, I see there are other siblings and that your MIL will soon be in a care facility, which will alleviate a good portion of your wife's time there. Slowly, you will both survive these emotionally & physically draining months. Eventually, you will both look back at this time and feel grateful and at peace with the journey, and the love that fueled it. God bless you.
I am her personal assistance, admin, accountant, butler, housekeeper, gourmet chef, handyman, laundry man, dog caretaker, therapist, punching bag, mat and the endless list goes on.
I juggle work, hobbies, home life, my own life issues and more. I can honestly say it would be harder to wear as many hats as I do, perform at a high level and go through life as easy as I do without the support of my kind, supportive, intelligent, selfless, career professional lady & best friend I call wife of 24 wonder years. It would be almost impossible.
My wife’s support is Priceless to me. The thought would never enter her mind to question “Why?” or “How come?”.
I make sure my wife knows she is valued, respected, appreciated and loved. My wife adores the ground I walk on and has a love for my mother simply for giving Me life. She would never say (unless I asked her) but the one thing I know that bothers her the most is my mother’s unappreciation for all the things I do for her.
She’s ill with multiple mental illnesses. Major depression, Narcissism, Borderline personality disorder with multiple mood swing, the beginning of dementia and who knows what else?
My wife see’s the change in me after I return home from helping my mother out. She knows my mother has verbally abused me. That’s the only issue. I can tell, my wife senses it and gives me a long warm hug as she says to me “I am a good person”, and she appreciates and loves me.
She says, “I’m doing a good job; it says a lot about the person you are”. After I hear my wife’s loving voice and warm embrace, it melts all my disappointment away.
I say to all of you who’s “Other half” is being their aging parents Caretaker to be as supportive, understanding and patient as you can. You will never understand what We the Caregiver is going through, mentally. Our plate is beyond full.
~To those going through this difficult time. Keep doing what you’re doing. It says a lot about who you are as a person and it won’t be forever, and may I suggest prayer, as this too helps.
Should it become way too much for you mentally & physically there are many organizations out there that can assist with caring for your aging parent in their own home, this can give you a much-needed break.
Angel from The Bay
My mother suffered a life ending ischemic stroke during the time that I lived with her. My DH and I then had to market and sell her home and devise a plan for many of the things that must be achieved, such as fully empty the house, plan for a friend's husband to routinely monitor the vacant home as well as plan and hold my mother's funeral.