I'm having second & third thoughts now that I've decided my husband should go to assisted living. How do I make peace with this decision?

No decision is in concrete. Do what you think is best for now. Cattails.

I agree with "Cattails". Most AL's have a fairly flexible policy of being able to give a 14 or 30 day notice (depending on your state) if you make the decision at any point that it isn't working out. Look at this as a respite stay for you and your husband then take it day by day. It does normally take 30-45 days before you/he will start to see and feel the benefit of how it will work long term. There will be a period of adjustment for both of you so hang in there during that time. I have found the best way to get over the hump is to stay involved, be a part of his life in his new "home" but take advantage of not being a caregiver and just be his wife. Good luck and best wishes - Wendy

Actually, if he comes home, it's lose-lose. He would not be getting the care he really needs, and you would be on-call 24/7...and the situation would shorten your life. Stay focused. Stop feeling guilty. Aging is not for the faint-hearted. You've made a very difficult but necessary decision...And as Cattails said, no decision is concrete. I say, nothing is forever except death and taxes. Best.

Wendy is right. From the looks of her screen name, she is a person with experience. Who knows? Your husband might not push to come home at the end of the 6 weeks and may feel comfortable in his surroundings. Let's hope so and take it a day at a time. Good luck and know in your heart you are doing what is right, despite the naysayers who might have opinions, but will have little involvement in the day to day care he needs. xo

I agree with Wendy as well. You can always bring him home but I would give him and yourself at least 3 months to get used to things. I would also suggest you talk to the staff of the AL and let them know of your concerns. I have found my mother.s AL very helpful to alleviate my concerns. My mom was very hesitant but now almost a year later, she is happy as a clam. Get rid of that guilt if this is the best care for him and taking care of yourself as well! :)

I am a Medical Social Worker specializing in Home Health Care.This agonizing decision is one that I deal with frequently with the Families I work with. Most of us do not want to leave our homes and nor would we choose to do so. However, when the best, most appropriate care of the Patient, (and this is the bottom line), requires it, then it is essential. The Patient must go be where he or she will receive appropriate, skilled care from those who have been trained to give it, and who have the experience to do so without injuring themselves or the Patient. Our emotions are NOT the primary concern in spite of our feelings. They must be over come in the best needs of the Patient. Most of us would not want to even move in with a much loved relative, let alone go to a strange elder care facility. However, unless you have unlimited funds to arrange for around the clock care and visits from people such as an OT, PT, Nurse, Dietician, Home Health Aides, Psychologist, or other professionals, then you should not attempt to care for him at home. You cannot lift him up from the floor, you cannot manage his physical therapy, deal with his moods if he has cognitive problems or is combative, cannot lift him into a tub or cut his toenails safely. You will not be able to help him onto the toilet safely or stop him from wandering if he has cognitive issues. It may require a Village to rear a child, but it certainly requires one to care for an Elder with physical and/or cognitive problems. I highly recommend you go to this website http://thework.com/downloads/little_book/English_LB.pdf and read Byron Katie's Little Book and buy the CD's "Your Inner Awakening". They will enable you to deal with this very difficult decision while maintaining your own inner peace. Do visit the Facility and choose one where you can visit often. Take your sternest critic with you to help choose. Ask for the help of the hospital social worker to explain to your husband why he has to go to a facility where he will receive the care he needs. The Social Worker can also explain why you cannot provide that care alone. Visit him as often as you can. Form a close relationship with his caregivers. Be an advocate for him. But allow the experts to care for him for as long as you can possibly afford it. At the very least, you can use the time to have them train you in his care so that you can possibly taking him home someday. But you cannot do that alone. And you will need all sorts of help that you cannot even anticipate at this time. Do use the Work of Byron Katie. It will be a lifesaver for you and enable you do deal with any criticism or comments you get. It will enable you to calm your own fears and guilt and stop second guessing yourself. It will help you deal with your husband's fears and doubts. You will be in my prayers.

I am a Medical Social Worker specializing in Home Health Care.This agonizing decision is one that I deal with frequently with the Families I work with. Most of us do not want to leave our homes and nor would we choose to do so. However, when the best, most appropriate care of the Patient, (and this is the bottom line), requires it, then it is essential. The Patient must go be where he or she will receive appropriate, skilled care from those who have been trained to give it, and who have the experience to do so without injuring themselves or the Patient. Our emotions are NOT the primary concern in spite of our feelings. They must be over come in the best needs of the Patient. Most of us would not want to even move in with a much loved relative, let alone go to a strange elder care facility. However, unless you have unlimited funds to arrange for around the clock care and visits from people such as an OT, PT, Nurse, Dietician, Home Health Aides, Psychologist, or other professionals, then you should not attempt to care for him at home. You cannot lift him up from the floor, you cannot manage his physical therapy, deal with his moods if he has cognitive problems or is combative, cannot lift him into a tub or cut his toenails safely. You will not be able to help him onto the toilet safely or stop him from wandering if he has cognitive issues. It may require a Village to rear a child, but it certainly requires one to care for an Elder with physical and/or cognitive problems. I highly recommend you go to this website http://thework.com/downloads/little_book/English_LB.pdf and read Byron Katie's Little Book and buy the CD's "Your Inner Awakening". They will enable you to deal with this very difficult decision while maintaining your own inner peace. Do visit the Facility and choose one where you can visit often. Take your sternest critic with you to help choose. Ask for the help of the hospital social worker to explain to your husband why he has to go to a facility where he will receive the care he needs. The Social Worker can also explain why you cannot provide that care alone. Visit him as often as you can. Form a close relationship with his caregivers. Be an advocate for him. But allow the experts to care for him for as long as you can possibly afford it. At the very least, you can use the time to have them train you in his care so that you can possibly take him home someday. But you cannot do that alone. And you will need all sorts of help that you cannot even anticipate at this time. I have stopped critical family menbers in their tracks when I suggested that they take the Patient home with them and the husband or wife also move in so they can help care for him or her! Suddenly they have a thousand reasons why that will not owrk. When I ask how the spouse of the Patient is supposed to manage alone, when they cannot, they start to see a little reality. Do use the Work of Byron Katie. It will be a lifesaver for you and enable you do deal with any criticism or comments you get. It will enable you to calm your own fears and guilt and stop second guessing yourself. It will help you deal with your husband's fears and doubts. You will be in my prayers.

You say you are terrified for him to come home. I believe your answer is in those words. Would you want someone to perform surgery on you who was terrified of the job? Of course not. You have a difficult decision to make but it's better to make a logical decision that is right, rather than a decision based on emotions that is wrong. Do not feel guilty about doing what your heart tells you is best.

All the best

Agree with CandyKane57. I had serious hesitation about bringing my grandmother home from SNF. Long story short, family felt it best for her mental outlook. She fell again within 24 hours because she will not use her walker consistently. I told her I cannot provide the care she needs if she won't follow through with using the walker. Now I can't get her to go to assisted living. She's racked off a number of threats she'd carry out if I put her "in a home". I wish I hadn't brought her back.

skid70, you have to follow your heart. Why are you afraid of him being home and can you hire help? Your age might have a lot to do with it also, my Moms friends husband took care of his wife (with alzheimers) in his 90's which I think was crazy but he insisted on it. They both died within weeks of eachother after he fell. I feel bad for you, if you feel placing him is best why not spend every day with him all day long until he goes to bed, then back off slowly as he adjusts. Good luck.

Kate47 raises a good point. Turning it around later would make it all the harder.

I have not heard anyone ask how he feels about being forced into therapy but by saying you are of the mind that at the end of the 6 weeks he may want to come home I am guessing he is not happy where he is now and expects this is temporary. I am also wondering if you might be missing him yourself. I made a terrible mistake by putting my wife in a home. I visited her almost everyday and our visits were unpleasant because she did not want to sleep alone or die in a strange place. She was angry for 6 months before she passed and when she passed I was holding her hand and she looked into my eyes and said: I forgive you.
That was the last time she ever spoke to me and I remembered the promise we made over 50 years ago at our wedding. I truly believe I made a mistake and should have hired an in home care-giver. When our doctors tell us we have a choice I believe in most cases he or she is telling us we can put our spouses away out of convenience or keep them with us to the end With help, of course.

Thanks for all the helpful comments. My concern is: he's said he'll be there for a short time....a few days or weeks and then resume his normal life, driving, etc., even though the doctor told him he can no longer drive. I would like to talk with him about no driving (the doctor told him this 2 weeks ago) and the fact that the doctor put in writing a statement that he is not capable of handling any financial issues, legal matters or any important decisions. The social worker in the nursing home where he is now told him in a care conference that assisted living is recommended for him and that he can not be alone, the therapists agreed. I have been advised by the social worker to not discuss any of this in detail with him. He just mentioned it and did not go into any details. This seems so deceitful; the nurse who is in charge of the very reputable assisted living (a pleasant home-like atmosphere) where he is going in two days has told me the same thing. His reaction is my biggest fear at this time.

Well personally unless you just want him to go in the home I would see what a doctor outside of the home thinks. Of course the Home wants the businessthey may be asking you not to discuss with him because he will resist. Once they have him sedated he will comply. It is deceitful. If he is rational-not mean or violent who wouldn't be upset to get yanked out of their home? I would certainly get an impartial diagnosis without sedation. You know your husband better than anyone. If he is violent, a danger to himself or to you and not right in his mind of course he cannot be free to come and go as he wants. One way to make it non-deceitful is to tell him-Henry-John-whatever his name is is your doctor said you can never drive again. If you can obey the doctors orders without quibbling or argument you can come home. When they get him in the other home-it may be a beautiful place but it isn't his home. He will resist and they will drug him and that is that. Remember-the social workers work for the Home and your husband means alot of money to the home. What does he do to make you consider he needs to be in a home? If you feel it is deceitful then it is. If you cannot care for him there is always in home care for several hours a day-much cheaper. But I am not a physician. I could not put anyone,especially a loved one in a home unless it was the absolute last thing to do. Violent-harmful, definitely he needs to go in a home. Has he seen a Psychologist out of the home? May I ask what is his ilness. Can you go in the assisted living hme with him? Would you be willing to give up your home? Just wondering.

Here is what it took me a LONG time to cotton on to: when they make "plans" to do something we know full well they will never do, you can just see it as what it really is: either denial meant to make the present moment feel better,mor dementia. Either way, there is no harm in letting them be in that place. When and IF they actually start to act on the "plans," you deal with it then. You know how your kids would say, "when I grow up, I will be a ballerina cowboy racecardriver"? And you never say that "that combined profession will never exist and besides your should be a fill-in-the-blank like your father." You smile and admire the capacity for fantasy.

THAT IS EXACTLY what you do here. And if you do need to actually take steps to prevent him taking the action, you get the pros to be the bad guys. That is part of what they are paid to do, and they have done it a gabillion times. Draw on their expertise, and ask for their help.

Good luck to you, love.

I agree with you Jane B-but has he been put to that test yet? I didn't put my wife in the Hospice, my wifes doctors didn't put her in the hospice. I let her family and my children and the hospice counselors talk me into it. The doctor said she could die at home or in a hospice-take my pick. So both families talked me into doing what was easiest for me. She resisted and was sedated and they called it dementia.
Unless I am missing something give a hug has not said what illness her husband suffers from. Maybe I missed an earlier thread? I am reaching the age where I will someday soon ask for assisted living. But isn't it odd that my grown children now say they will not let that happen? Simply because they realize we cannot put someone on the shelf until it is absolutely the only possible way. They watched their mother die an angry 6 months because she felt betrayed bu us all. When our children needed us we cared for them. Why is it different with an adult? My father died at the age of 97 in his home with me mother who was 95. She had good insurance that allowed for a nurse to come in once a week and a in home care taker 3 hours a day to bathe and tuck him in and they watched the tellie together. But as sure as rain if she'd a put him in a home he would have resisted and the sedatives would have come out and he would be labeled demented. If it is possible for give a h-ugs loved one to stay in the home she should in my most humble opinion give it a try. He must have some wits to be thinkin about drivin-if thats the issue sell the car. But I don't think you want to give up your independence do ya? No. Of course not. This is why I don't think he is ready for the assisted living. He seems to be thinkin too much for a man so bad off. Is he a handful? I'm afraid you will regret your decision to put him in their care because you will lose him. He will resist and the drugs will take the sparkle out of his eyes
and those places are nice but they will sedate him if he resists. There is a lovely short book titled If Only I knew by Lance Wubbels. A wonderful book of If Only I knew. If you look back over your life from the day you said I do to now-think of that day-if someone would have told you the day will come when you will be convinced by others your man must be put away-what would you have said on that day? There is your answer. As long as he can hear, see, taste, touch, smell he is only a little worn. As long as he is not a danger to you or himself he is just a little confused. As long as you can love him and let others do the lifting and the cleaning, he is still the man you married. Sometimes the easy way is the hardest. Whatever your decision I pray you do not trick him like they want you to do. Be honest and forward. The time for trickery has passed. Honesty is the only way when we are in the twilight years. God Bless you, dear

Menohardy, I love your comments and you are so right , I just wish you had gotten your wife out of there, but you learned. I have my 90 year old Mom, we got thru the agitation, the wandering , mood swings, etc, we lived with locks on the tops of all the doors, and a gate on her bedroom, but we did it and are still doing it. Mom can walk or barely talk now but she is happy she is home, and I would never place her no matter what, she will die at home, dont we all want that? My adult children and my husband have a new admiration for me and didnt know I had it in me to keep on going, but I will forge on and continue. I also promised Mom she would never be in a nursing home. I do however, hire help here and there to get some family and grandchildren time.
Hugs to you

Skid: I read your previous posts. You said your husband had three surgeries in April and the beginning of May. You said your were advised on April 12, 2012 that your husband was suffering from dementia.
Would you explain what the surgeries were for and did you have any reason to believe that your husband had dementia prior to April 12 of this year.
You don't explain what his medical issues were and are currently. I think it would be very helpful if you shared more information. Does he actually need more "therapy" or is that just something that is being bantered about as a story to tell him about assisted living?
I think there is more that you should share so people really understand what they are responding to. I will watch for your next answer on this thread. Please respond. Cattails

Menohardy: Thank you for sharing your heart with us. I am sorry that you live with the sadness and regret of placing your wife in a nursing home. You were guided by your family who I am sure meant well. Now it seems they see it differently, as do you.

I want to personally thank you for the expressions of both love and regret that you have shared. I think I will always remember your words, which are so honest and heartfelt, and I hope you continue to share them with others.

When your wife passed, she held your hand, looked into your eyes and said, "I forgive you." I hope you can accept the love she felt for you and the forgiveness she wanted to you have. You would honor her and your many years of marriage if you could forgive yourself.

Your wife is with God now and she can see everything for what is was; decisions that were made thinking it was best for her and the pain that all of you feel in retrospect. If she could say you are forgiven in her last moments here on earth, think how much more she forgives you now.

Please take the years you have left and spend them loving your children. I'm sure they need your love and forgiveness now.

You are a good man, a good husband and a good father. Let your children feel forgiveness so they can pass it on to those in need.

Sending you love and comfort, Cattails.

thank you for your most kind words. I actually found this forum looking for n answer to my problem and got caught up in the whirl of decisions it takes to put someone in a home vs am I taking the easy way out. Not knowing the diagnosis, let alone the prognosis I was trying to explain that it is my belief that if there is a way to keep the person in the home then keep them home knowing that ultimately in days or weeks ahead the decision will be easier and your guilt less once you are convinced without any coercion that it is for their best and yours. In the case of my wife her doctor was telling me it would be fine to keep her in the homefor another 1 to 3 months vs the Hospice saying it would be better to place her now. My wife was receptive to the idea of eventually needing hospice care but she wanted that 1 to 3 months to say goodbye to her home, her neighbors and garden.. She thought she was going for a drs visit and when she realized I took a different route and it ended in a struggle and sedation I realized that in all our years of marriage this was a selfish betrayal. I have forgiven myself but I have not forgotten. I even had neighbors, friends of hers tell me I was wrong to do it the way I did. Again, without knowing more as you so honestly asked give a hug to provide it is difficult to weigh the issue and I realize I shoulod have waited for more knowledge about her husbands condition before speaking. Please accept my apology. And again, thank you for your kindness-I am new to the forum and not familiar with forums, protocol etc..

Oh Reverseroles! I find you very courageous and think you have true GRIT to do what it says in the song: Hold Me, Hold Me; Never let me go.....I applaud you and thenk God for giving you the strength and teaching the younger generation that Love is forever.

What a difficult situation for you to be in. I feel that the first concern should be of the sick person. That does not mean that you as caregiver should ignore your feelings and doubts. Is your husband on Medicare because it does not cover AL
costs but I don't know if it covers rehab in AL. Financial concerns are always an issue. But, you definitelyhave to consider your feelings and how his illness is affecting you. As others have mentioned. talk to the Elder Care experts. You should also check with his Doctor for his advice and opinion about it. My Dad has ALZ and Mom took care of him as long as she could, a home health aid came 3x a week for 2 hrs but he refused to bathe. My Mom was a nervous wreck taking care of him and trying to do her daily chores. I helped out a lot, but never for 24 hrs a day like Mom. He was 90 when the kids felt it was time for him to go to an ALZ place and, as hard as it was for Mom, she agreed. That is where he belongs, where he can get the care he needs. It is still hard for Mom to think of him there and she went to an AL a week after he went to ALZ. She gave up her home of over 50 years, her life, many of her belongings to go AL and misses him and their home and life dearly. But she is somewhat content with her new home and the kids visit and call often and I take her to see Dad about every 2 weeks. The more help you get from experts, the better you will feel. Try not to feel guilty because you have his best interest at heart.

Well, I am reading menohardy's answer in which he is discussing the "1 to 3 months vs. hospice care'' and how she needed those months to say goodbye to her home, neighbors, garden...and my eyes are filling with tears because I know as he typed that, his own eyes were as well. I am sending you a hug because I the feelings you are feeling are palpable, reading between those lines, and I am thinking what a sad and wasted emotion guilt is--and how it results in personal loss in our own health, well-being and ability to serve others--it robs you of all of those assets! Your wife would not be at rest if she thought you were feeling this way. In your heart, you know you did what you felt was correct at the time--you were overwhelmed, worried and afraid and your decision at that time CANNOT be critiqued by those neighbors or friends who said you chose the wrong route. Talk is cheap. You were the person facing the tough times, not those friends or neighbors. How inconsiderate for them to NOT support you and comfort you. My hope is that the people on this blog can do just that for you now. Take care, my friend, and move on -- and please, do NOT feel the need to apologize to anyone! We are not here to judge, we are here to help, assist and console. Hugs to you, and keep well, my friend.

My husband has been diagnosed with dementia. He is not sedated and is not being drugged. There are times when he can carry on a conversation and other times he insists he's going to drive his car, go to the mall, says he has so many things to do. His doctor told him he needs to wear his hearing aids which he refuses to do. He has been in and out of the hosp. and nursing home (rehab) for two months and he told the doctor the hearing aids need to be adjusted, but he's been so busy he hasn't had time to get it done.....makes no sense. There's no way to know when the normal will come out or when he demands to do the impossible. Not driving was mandated by the doctor. His sense of reasoning is off. If he were home, he'd demand to drive (even if the keys were hidden). This is such a cruel disease. It affects not just the patient but all family and friends. It's terrible for him and frustrating for the rest of us; we try to help, go along with him, if possible, or change the subject. Usually, few of them work, unless he gets what he wants which in many cases is not reasonable or safe. We just keep trying to understand and help in any way we can, but actually feel so helpless.

It sounds to me like your husband is used to having his way and I think that part of the problem is he cannot let go of the dominant role he has lived for most of his adult life. In other words he is an Alpha Male who still believes he can wear you and others down. This kind of personality must be approached with the truth; maybe shown the truth-comply or this is where you will end up. I too suffer from mild dementia and or Alsheimers and take Aricept and go to counseling twice a month. I also see a psychiatrist about every six months. Because of visual problems I was told I cannot drive. Believe me, that hurt. I rebelled at first until my children made it clear that it isn't my life I am endangering but the lives of my daughters and grandchildren. If his dementia has advanced to the point he will not or cannot understand then his physician: Neurologist, Primary Care, Psychologist, counselors etc., are not understanding that he wil not comply. They are leaving it up to you to decide his fate and I find this hard to swallow.
What are you telling his physicians? Are you telling them doc: He says he is going to drive with or without your blessing. That shifts the decision off of you and places it on them. You are saying: If he were home he would demand to drive! But have you tried it? Give the man a chance. Before you have him committed at least see if he will comply. It is hard for some men to admit they will comply. They will even brag that they will not and will go to the Mall whenever they want and so on. Since I complied I rather enjoy sitting in the back seat now with my grand children. I actually feel better letting go of the reiins. But I resisted at first. Boy do I remember arguing with my counselors and I had a Palliative care Psychologist with a PHD and he set me straight in one session. He laid it all out to me. Your children are grown and they love you but if you are going to act like a child they will treat you like one but if you act like a criminal you will be treated like a criminal and if you get behind the steering wheel thats what you are; a criminal. It was his blunt honesty that opened my eyes. He also counseled my family. He told them at this point your father is not at the point that he cannot live in the home. That day will come but it is not today. You are adults and you will have to make some adjustments like locking the keys up, putting alarms on the doors so he doesn't wander off. If he becomes too bothersome or a threat in any way all you have to do is call and we will come get him and you can say you tried everything and it will be the truth-because you have! You will not ever have to wonder again if you did the right thing or not. No guilt, no regrets. only honesty and integrity. I have had the privilege of a long marriage and I went thru cancer myself. I was given a window od 6 to 20 months to live-that was about 4 years ago. I do have slight dementia or early alzheimers. My Neurologist doesn't use labels. I misspell words and happily found this forum. I like to think that people are good and I know Nursing homes and Hospices and assisted living are important tools for us elderly. I do not believe they should ever be used for the convenience of our children unless we become a financial burden or a danger to them and our selves. Skid70 for your own peace of mind and health you need to get some counseling for yourself before you make your decision. Not counseling from the home he is going to . Counseling for you! I am afraid that as soon as you put him in you are going to want him out and if you take him out he will say he won and be that much harder to deal with. I hope this has been a helpful answer. Everything you said tells me there are control issues going on here and I think counseling-independent counseling would be a good place for you to start before you make that final decision. We all procrastinate-I have a prescription for eye glasses that is 11 months old. Just this morning I said to my daughter hun-if you don't take me to the hobby lobby I'm going to walk and she said dad-I have 3 things to do before I can take you so keep your shoes off and watch t.v. until I can take you-if you walk out that door say goodbye to your grand kids cause your not coming back-she means it-so I had a fudge sickle with my little friends. My grand children Isn't life wonderful I thought as she wiped my chin and little amys and christies...I know the time will come when I will have to leave home but today is lovely and no one knows what tomorrow will bring

Menohardy: You are an awesome man!!!!! Sending you love and happiness. Cattails.

I put my husband in an assised living home 3 years ago and, with a lot of therapy for myself, am just now getting to the place where I don't feel guilty. He still wants to come home, but my psychologist told me that whenever he wants to move back home, I should tell him that my primary physician and him (my psychologist) have advised me that it would not be good for my physical and emotional health if he moved back in. My husband still brings it up once or twice a month (it used to be every day), but I have to remain firm and strong if I am going to survive this season in our lives. I have hade to accept the fact that our lives will never be what they used to be, but I am thankful for the good times we had, but it is still hard.

I hope this helps. My heart goes out to you.

Your torment has moved me to write...for both of your health and safety I don't believe he should move home, I would take him directly to a facility after he is finished at the assisted living. I have been through this myself and work in the Alzheimer's community. Even if he is moved your job is not done, you will still have plenty of "care" responsibilities to attend to, but you will be able to sleep at night. Now is the time to get your ducks in a row so all goes smoothly. Good luck and sleep well!!!!! PS This is a big speed bump but there will be light at the end of the road. You will reflect back and realize this is the best decision for both of you:) Reclaim your life so you can be the best you can be for both of you!!

Can I Help?You can Visit him..and perhaps HE will learn to take care of himself..and see that HE needs to to live with you again. Or you can safe proof the house& keep him inside at certain times..go for walks with him or drives so that HE is not just kept inside. Play Music..and have Snacks like kids would eat...grapes, cereal in baggies, sandwiches cut in half..juice cups..sippy cups..things like that..just do the Best you can.Separation will be Hard.
I Hope I helped some. :) god Bless U

Skid70, I just want to reach out and hug you and hold you and pat you on the back. You are in a very, very painful situation. I have seen other spouses in my support group agonizing over the decision of whether/when to place their life partners into a care center. It is a very cruel decision to be forced to make. and I fear it is one I will be facing again. It is a huge burden and responsibility and also ulimately a privilege to make a decision of this magnitude for someone else.You ask how you can make peace with the decision. I honestly don't know how we do half of the things we have to do as the spouse of a person with dementia. But somehow we do. Make the best decision you can, in love, and move forward.

My husband and I both are victims of Lewy Body Dementia. He is the one who has abnormal protein deposits in his brain, and he is the one who has the diagnosis on his medical chart, but my life has been irrevocably changed forever by the diagnosis, too.

I don't know your situation -- I don't know how old you are, your financial situation, whether you have health issues, what your husband's diagnosis is, what his major symptoms are, etc. etc. But on one level I do know what you are going through. I offer you my empathy, my hugs, and my tears.