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My aunt's memory & common sense are 40% lost & is defensive. She's in her late 80's and I moved into her one bedroom apartment about 2 months ago. We are both female. I learned that her memory and her ability to make sense of things works at about 55% capacity. Her emotional level is very childlike and other times she's fine. She also speaks like a child about 40% of the time. She also can get confused very easily, and often when we are walking about in familiar areas, can't figure out where she is, or even if she's in her own town. I end up repeating myself many times. When I ask her to make changes for sanitation reasons that can affect her/our health, she is usually defensive. Sometimes her tone is rude and she say things that are out in left field.

I'm trying my best to remain positive and supportive, but lately have been struggling with impatience. I could really use some help with any suggestions on things I can say to myself to adapt a better understanding for this situation so that my patience remains intact. My goal is to have an attitude toward her that is pleasant, respectful, supportive, understanding and nice to be around, as much as humanly possible.

What phrases do you tell yourself to keep up a great attitude to keep you pleasant?

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You should use this site to learn about dementia. Yes, you will be repeating lots, but avoid arguing, and correcting her. Tell what she needs to hear to comfort her.

My Dad has mild to moderate dementia. When I visit he can see my car in the driveway from his easy chair. Our conversations go like this: what kind of car is that? It's a chevy Dad. Good car? Yea, it's been a good car. What kinda gas milage ya get? About 30 mpg dad.............TEN MINUTES LATER.......What kind of car is that? Eventually I redirect him with a question about the old days and he can still ramble on pretty well with a little prompting. When he bogs down....What kind of car you say that is?................this goes on for days but I'm used to it now.
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Randall, go to the top of the page here to the blue bar... click on SENIOR LIVING.... now click on Alzheimer's CARE.... scroll down, lot of excellent articles.

Sorry to say, from what I have read on many forums on this website, it will be very difficult to keep a positive attitude because you will find yourself working 3-shifts of caregiving for your Aunt. It would be impossible to be cheerful. That is why at nursing homes the staff works 8 hours and they go home, and the next shift arrives. You wouldn't be able to go home, you will need to work that next shift, and the midnight shift.

Curious, since it's an one bedroom apartment, do you have any private space for yourself?
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So, what is the story behind you're moving in with her? Is this a caregiving situation or a roommate situation? What was your understanding at the outset, and what is your understanding now?

It sounds from your description as though she has some sort of dementia, not age related decline. Has she been thoroughly evaluated for this? Will she allow you to accompany her to a neuropsych evaluation?

Sadly, dementias are progressive, meaning they get worse. She may accuse you of stealing from her, mistreating her and the like. What is your legal standing in her life, and in her apartment?

I understand that you want to take care of her, but you need to take care of YOU first.
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Randall555. The advice to remember' It's the disease, not her' runs throughout the aging care website. Scroll to the top of this page, and enter: "It's the disease, not her" in the search bar.
On July 2, a question was asked, and answered: "My mother has Alzheimer's and it effects her temperament", asked by susang1956. You can also enter those words into the search bar. You seem so bright and eager for researching and making it work.
When it gets too much to handle for you, go to 'caregiver burnout' threads by entering those words into the search bar. You will do fine, and when it becomes too emotional, take a step back, remember, it's not you, it's the disease; it's not her talking to you that way, it's the disease.
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My sister really helped me with this one . . stop expecting anything. I would get very frustrated with my husband for not being able to do what I perceived as a simple thing. My expectation and his failure to meet them were making me unkind. When I was able to let that go - it took the pressure of me. It is hard and I still have to be careful. But not expecting anything . . really helps.
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Italnmama, that is so true, and has been my personal experience also. Exactly down to the part where it was my sister who helped me realize it.
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Even with that - I have to watch myself constantly to make sure my response is .. expect nothing. I find my initial response is to mumble not nice things to myself which is stupid. The frustrating thing is it will not get easier. So...I need to work harder . . not to expect anything
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I have no answers as I am struggling to remain positive and upbeat myself, but I do find it helpful to read what others are going through and how they handle things.
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Mumbling alot here too. Instead of expecting nothing, I have changed my expectations.
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Sometimes I get in the car, turn on the radio, find a song I love, blast the music and sing my heart out.
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