I recently collapsed from exhaustion taking care of my 89 year old mother and was admitted to the Mental Behavioral Ward of my local hospital. My previous doctor had me on 5 different drugs for depression and anxiety which had me crying incessantly and feeling hopeless. I checked myself into the facility and thanks to God a new doc straightened out my medication but told me I had caregiver stress syndrome. I have been taking care of mom for 5 years with some help from my son who lives in the house owned by my mother. He and his fiance had to completely take over for 5 days while I was being treated. My son was angry with me for admitting myself and his girlfriend accused me of being crazy and the reason why she didn't pass her nursing state board test. They oppose everything I would like to do for my mother and according to my doctor it would involve placing her in a assisted living facility. My mother adamantly refuses to leave her home and has made it clear to all that she intends to die in her own home meanwhile not thinking about the health and welfare of me. I hear about other families who are able to keep their mother or father at home only with all the adult children pitching in and sharing the responsibilities. This is not so in my case. My brother and his hateful wife have weaseled out of their responsibility to my mother and always go to visit her sister every holiday season including Christmas, New Years Eve, Easter, and Thanksgiving. They haven't been here to share any holidays with my mother in years. I can tell you my depression has gotten a bit better after being released from the hospital but it is slowly returning as I am right back in the same situation I just left. I have many resources that were given to me when I left the hospital but my son and mother don't want strangers coming into the home even for a few hours in the morning which could give me some time to find a part time job and start saving a little for my own retirement. I certainly can tell my son and his wife to be wont be around to help me when I am old. I am very bitter and sad at the same time and am afraid I am going to end up back in the psych ward if all of this continues to go on as before. Me being the bad guy wanting mom to go to an adult day care or ALF. She has Dementia and I am told it is only going to get worse. Thankyou for your kind advice.
Look - one more analogy - lets say someone is a smoker and they are wheezing and in respiratory distress. They take steroids and albuterol but somehow the wheezing does not stop...until they stop smoking. Then they are OK. Then they go back to smoking. What's gonna happen??
These are not "your caregiving duties" with depression interfering, so that you cannot do what you "should" be able to do. No. Your unreasonable, unbearable solo caregiving burden is interfering with you being a functional human being with a chance of recovery from what ails you. You think and you wish you could take care of it all, lazy selfish siblings be d@mmed, but wishing does not make it so and the kind of thinking that would have you destroy yourself trying to do what is impossible for you to go on doing indefinitely (don't fall into the trap of thinking if you can do it for a weekend or a week or even a month you can do it for a lifetime) is just plain wrong.
I know it's scary to think of finding a job - just the thought of doing interviews {{shudder}} scares me silly. But, you are able to face your mother's issues - you can also face interviews. Just tell yourself this over and over. You know when I was job hunting in my early 20's, I was very very timid. I couldn't even look at people in the eyes. I practiced in my bedroom looking in the mirror, of doing an interview. I think I even recorded being the interviewer. (I did this to all my speech classes and skits that I had to perform on stage.) I recorded the other person, turned on the tape recorder, played the interviewer's question, paused it, and I looked in the mirror - directly into my eyes (that was soooo difficult to even look into my eyes) - and replied to the question. I made sure to gesture, to smile, to look into the eyes, etc.. This worked very well. I had gone through several different job interviews. Once you get a job, this is your foot in the door to moving out.
Your mom and the kids will not learn from anything if you're there 24/7 doing it all. It's time to step back or away, and let the chips fall. Your son and his fiancee might abandon ship (grandma) because they don't want to do what you've been doing. No one will step in to help your mom if you're always there 24/7. APS or the social workers will only step in if your mom becomes a danger to herself - and that means she has to get hurt before they will interfere.
If you insist in staying with your mom, then life will continue 'as is.' Nothing is going to change - except you might suffer a stroke/heart attack. As caregivers of siblings who don't help at all - we know that our siblings will not help us if they cannot even help their own parents. Isn't it time for your son/fiancee to learn to be adults? So, go and find that job! Save up enough to find a decent place, etc....
My heart goes out to you, but I pray you will be firm enough and strong enough to change the situation before it gets worse!...........Blessings!
You know the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results. Why do you expect things are going to change? Do you think someone is going to look at you and say, "She needs help! We'd better do the right thing so she's ok!" No, that's not going to happen. You need to make the change, no one's going to do it for you.
"... I have many resources that were given to me when I left the hospital but my son and mother don't want strangers coming into the home even for a few hours in the morning which could give me some time…"
So who asked them? Excuse my language, but f**k that. Make calls and get those resources back. YOU say who comes into that house because you're the one who has been made responsible for caring for the household.
I know I'm getting bitter in my old age but I really have seen enough of selfish, blinkered, arrogant, idiotic young men to last me. Cheeky little sod. What makes him think he has the say-so? And Glor if your mother needs help to the extent that you can't leave her side then frankly she's in no position to argue with you. Say to yourself "I AM doing this" as often as you need to - eventually it will catch. Best of luck, big hug.
From past postings, it sounds like your son doesn't want his Grandmother to move to a nursing home because then he, his girlfriend and their toddler would be out on the street once the house sold. As I had said before, he needs to grow up and take care of his own new family.
Go with your moving plan, your son can take care of his grandmother since it sounds like he wants full control [no strangers in the house]. Then and maybe then he will realize how difficult full-time caregiving can be. And then he might even suggest that his Grandmother needs to be in a nursing home. Don't worry, you will be just around the corner to catch anyone should they fall [not literally].
Glomorth - I am one step away from the psych ward myself. My mother is not willing to leave her home either. She is adamant on dying here as well, just as my dad did. But the one thing is, I also have sisters who refuse to caretake as well (one of them does do a lot though), but I'm the main caregiver.
I've learned a lot these past few years. You cannot take care of someone else, UNTIL you take care of YOU. I have anxiety and depression really bad, more so, anxiety. But now, I'm in a depressive state of mind where I cannot function properly. It's all I can do to get myself out of bed in the morning.
The one thing that helps me is BARKING. (Yes you read that correctly.) I have learned to speak up and scream, "HELP!" It's strange, because people don't realize how much you really do for them, until you stop.
Back off. Take some much needed time off for you - not saying jump into a psychiatric ward, but really quality time for you - something you enjoy. I get to do that twice a year. It's very needed. Even if it's for a couple of days, it really makes a world of a difference.
I'm starting to grasp onto my hobbies while being in charge of my mother. Delve into something you enjoy.
I can't tell you what to do regarding your son, or not to be afraid of how he'll be when you're that age, but there is no guarantee of a caretaker for anyone - even if they have 15 kids.
Like yourself, I'm noticing that my siblings don't come by as they used to - just to have coffee and bagels with mom. Holidays are very different. Things do change and you'll start to notice people's true colors…unfortunately.
Again, just keep in mind, people only notice all the value of your good deeds, until you stop doing them. Try it. Show your worth.
Good luck…
{{hugs}}
My heart goes out to you. I'm glad you got help in the hospital, and that you were given some direction and resources. You are not the bad guy for wanting your Mom to go to ALF or Adult Day Care, although I understand the guilt!
The two posters who responded earlier are right-on. You need to survive, and you need to take care of YOU. I'm glad you posted here, and are asking for feedback. It will get better if you can get more help for your Mom, and more support for you - people who have your best interests at heart (hint: son and fiancé are not in that category!). Take care, Sheryl
One person cannot do all that you have been doing and survive. Let Mom know you physically and mentally will no longer be a slave and will visit once a week. Take a deep breath and relax; then go find that part time job. Call social services and sign her up for everything she is eligible for asap. Wishing you all the best!