All of you seem like no matter what your situation is you find a way to make the best f it. You are such caring wonderful people. I, on the other hand, am wondering if I can keep it up. I'm new to doing 24/7 care for my father in law my husband is here with me but he has multiple injuries. He works so hard and lifts his dad right along with me, does everything I do while he is n extreme pain. He loves his dad very much & would never consider a SNF his dad is too sick for assisted living. I'm so afraid something will happen t my husband. He has 5 brothers and sisters who for various reasons will/can not do full time care or assist in any way other than occasional call or quick visit I just want to go home but I know I can't how do I convince myself that this is my life now and I can't be sad afraid and just get on with this. You're all doing it. Why do I feel like such a selfish person and how can I convince myself this is ok? I love my fil but I just never thought I'd be taking care of him I don't think he ever thought I would be either LOL. Please give me some suggestions. Thanks for any help you can give
It's going to be very very difficult for you and your hubby - especially since he has injuries. You may end up caring for 2 people. I hope you can be like my father and start calling around. Find what programs apply to your hubby and/or FIL. If your FIL has money, why don't you use some of that money for a paid caregiver to come once in a while to relieve you and hubby?
And I will admit to you this... I have always had a bad temper. Father and I clash a lot. I'm trying my best to control my temper or impatience. But it's hard because he's an opinionated, demanding, always-right man who believes us females know nothing and therefore should shut up. I just live by day to day. If I look into the future, i get depress and ... I don't want to see my future. So, I just live by each day as it comes. Family is not going to do anything. It's not their problem. It's ours - since we have the elderly. If you click on my profile you will see that I'm talking from experience about the siblings. You take care, and find some Other help before your hubby hurts him.
And like jeannegibbs said, it's not easy. My dad has since passed away but I cared for him for 5 years in my home until I couldn't do it anymore and he went into a nursing home via the hospital. However, I had promised him over the years that I would never put him in a nursing home. That was a mistake to promise that. I had no idea what I was in for and how difficult, next to impossible really, the situation would become.
"Burden" has such a bad connotation to it but in my opinion caregiving was a very heavy burden and it grew heavier day by day, month by month, year by year. I don't know what kind of injuries your husband has and I know his heart is in the right place but it's ok to feel that caring for his dad is too overwhelming. Because it IS overwhelming. And if those siblings of his don't pitch in they don't get a say in what your husband decides is best for his dad. No contribution, no say.
I don't know if you've had a chance to read over some of the previous posts on this site but there are many similar to yours. Caring for an aging inlaw. I would suggest that you read them. Caregiving for an inlaw can be very, very hard on a marriage and it might help to read how other people in your specific circumstance have dealt with it.
I hope you keep coming back and letting us know how you're doing.
You're allowed to be sad and afraid. We've all been sad and afraid. Please don't berate yourself for the feelings that you have, they're perfectly normal.
Finding other resources is a huge help, too. Look online, call up the Area Agency for Aging or other Eldercare resources in your area. Find a church with older people (like an Episcopal church) - when we found one there were people who were available to help a little by taking Mom to lunch once a month. Talk to your doctor and your FILs doctor and ask them what help is available. Look for homecare aids - some will require lots of hours a week but others don't have a minimum requirement.
If your FIL was a veteran, there may be financial assistance for him.
Know that it isn't selfish to want everything back to normal.
And come on here and vent or look for someone you can give a little piece of advice to. Everyone here is wonderful.
God never gives you too much more then you can handle.The strange thing is we don't go to church.We believe in god don't get me wrong.We know John:316 that's about as far as I got .We was just never the church type of people I guess lol.Anyway,hearing my wife telling me that I was shocked & amazed.You know what?We got the drive way done lol.
So,there's your answer how we do it.
Because,God don't ever give us too much more then we can handle.
But you do have other options. Call your local elder affairs office, they will help you get info about day care, home care all assistance available to your FIL..
His needs will be met in a NH..they are professionals and you and your sick husband are not responsible to meet all his needs.. You can still visit him and over see his needs without it killing you..