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Aunt is 99, is hearing impaired and sight impaired. Only plays bingo 1x a week. Participates if an animal is brought into facility.
I provide 99% of her activities as she is highly functioning, holds a great conversation about many subjects.
Also, I provide visitors 6 days a week to play cards, do puzzles, take a walk or other things. I visit in the mornings.
She receives her meals and her little one room apartment.
Hospice does all bathing etc - visits 3x a week - I thank God for these wonderful angels.
There is no oversight for private facilities.
I have offered to volunteer and bring in some activities to include my Aunt but they said “NO”!
They have their own version of Dementia, nothing like th ALZ version.
Aunt has Dementia (short term memory loss) which is why she is there. They never explained the differences between their version of Dementia and the ALZ version!
Best I can do but should be much better for the high price of >$10,000

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I’m picturing a sweet old lady who just wants to relax alone in her apartment, constantly being pestered by some know-it-all busybody on a daily basis to do things she doesn’t want to do, and is too polite to tell her to go away.
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Geaton777 Jun 5, 2024
...and won't remember she ever did any of it.

I think the well-meaning OP is subconsciously doing it for herself and not for her Aunt, because she's projecting what she thinks her Aunt's life *should* be like at 99.

If it's such a sub-par place the OP should look for other facilities for both of their sakes.
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After all these posts you write, I'm curious as to why you don't pull auntie out of this terrible Memory Care she's in?????

My mother lived in a great Memory Care that provided plenty of activities, but no bingo, drives in the mountains, crafts, etc, and I had to bring in nothing but snacks mom liked. There are plenty of managed care facilities out there, why does auntie have to stay in one you hate so much???

I moved my folks out of Brookdale and into a terrific non-corporate owned AL and MC because I wasn't at all happy with what Brookdale was offering them. Done and done.
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NeedHelpWithMom Jun 5, 2024
You were a great advocate for your parents, Lea.

You can hold your head up high knowing that you did your absolute best in the most trying of times.

It’s no wonder that you see dimes in various places that are sent by your dad!
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You are free to move your loved one to a different place when unhappy with the care where she is. This isn’t a prison. I’m having a bit of a challenge seeing a 99 year old desiring constant activities. Most folks I’ve known in their nineties are ready for some rest time in their days
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It's not supposed to be like summer camp!

When I'm 99, I hope no one is bothering me to participate in activities. I want to do what I want to do. After working hard all my life, I deserve to sit and stare into space if I want to. My brain is tired already with all I have to do, so when the time comes to rest from my labors, I'm ready.

I suggest giving aunt a break while YOU go and do cards, puzzles and walk. She may be weary of your hovering ways.
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This is called a "business model".

My MIL is in an excellent faith-based LTC facility that's been in existence since 1955. She's on Medicaid yet still has a private room. It's on a beautiful large lake, has raised gardening beds for the residents, paved walkpaths, and has scads of activities and events the staff encourages her to go to.

Just saying to maybe research a different facility, one that is non-profit. My MIL's facility sees the cares as part of its Christian mission for the elderly. It makes a big difference.
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BurntCaregiver Jun 5, 2024
@Geaton

Your MIL is lucky to be in such a place and one that accepts Medicaid at that. Places like this are rare though.
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Who on earth needs so much exhausting daily activity at 99?
OP has visitors come 6 days a week, for puzzles and games.
OP herself visits daily.
Meals are brought in 3 times a day, every day.
Hospice comes 3 times a week for bathing.
She goes to Bingo (typically 3 hours) once a week.

All these assorted visitors coming in and out all day, every day, would drive me crazy.
She probably goes to Bingo to get away from the Grand Central Station activity and hear herself think!? Give this poor lady a BREAK!
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ElizabethAR37 Jun 5, 2024
I'm "only" 87, and as a lifelong introvert I'd be exhausted by Aunt's routine.
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Alzheimer's is just one of the hundreds of different dementias that we know of so far.
A lot of people lump all dementias under the heading of "Alzheimer's" which is so very wrong, as they all require their own way of dealing with.
As I always suggest on this forum, educating yourself on whatever type of dementia your loved one has been diagnosed with is key, as knowledge is power.
I'm not clear as to what your complaint is here, other than you're having to supply the majority of your aunts activities instead of the facility she's in. Is that right?
Do you think that perhaps your aunt was prematurely placed in memory care and should instead still be in assisted living, since she is high functioning, as I'm guessing they offer more activities on the assisted living side then they do in memory care?
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I find Nursing homes not so much into "activities". Not that there weren't some at Moms but your dealing with bed ridden people and those in their last stages of Dementia. Can't be taught new things. They become like children and thats pretty much the kind of activities available. One thing was giving them coloring sheets and crayons. Me personally, I was never one for coloring even as a child.

ALZ falls under the Dementia umbrella but effects the brain differently. But all dementias have pretty much the same symptoms because the brain is dying. There is short-term memory loss. Loss of reason and empathy. No filter.
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BlueEyedGirl94 Jun 5, 2024
I agree with this. Many people lump all "residential living" into one category but the range is as vast as the living options at a college. Now, granted this analogy is not perfect of course.

You've got independent living - which is essentially off campus living - you are close to school, close to help if you need it, but you are pretty much on your own for everything. There are tons of activities, if you choose to get involved, but little intervention - it's not where you really want your more needy "students".

You've got assisted living - on campus apartments - you still cook your own meals, clean your own apartment, manage your own life - but you've got security - you've got an RA, you've got help if you need it.

And then you've got the dorms - that's your SNF or Memory Care. This where the analogy falls apart a little - but stay with me. For those that WANT activities - they are always there. At my FIL's SNF - there were movies, and games, and outings, and church, and Bible Studies, and art classes, and Donut Delivery day, and music classes, and of course PT and OT, and then free gym days. There was ALWAYS something going on in the activities room, gym, and cafeterias. The calendar that was on his wall had something going on every day, at multiple times from around 9am until about 6pm. If you were wheelchair bound - all you had to do was let someone know you wanted to attend and they would make it happen.

BUT, you chose - and much like the dorms - you had the option - to participate in the parties, games, activities. Or stay in your room and play on your phone or stare at your tv. (if you were cognitively able)

Beyond that - of course you have people who are 100% bedbound - but even then they would bring activities to them and try to engage them. They would bring music to even the bedbound that were barely aware of their surroundings.

Now, my FIL - was one of the sourpusses that thought everyone was out to get him and stayed in his room and sulked and was mad that people didn't come to his room and socialize with him (but when they did he yelled at them, go figure)

He had dementia - early stages. They diagnosed ALZ.
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You are correct. They are private facilities, businesses with for the most part their own regulations, which you have to follow or choose another facility.

I don't know that a nursing home would be a good deal better, but you sure could visit what's available in your area.

I am thrilled you found a great Hospice because many of them now are the darlings of the hedge funds, for profit and making huge amounts of money off of Medicare by cutting costs and visits and etc. They once were wonderful, providing what was needed. Now it is a rote formula of three baths, one RN visit, a call from clergy and a call from social worker along with "the good meds". I am thrilled you found a good one.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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I do understand why they might not want family members coming in to volunteer with other residents. Leading groups of cognitively impaired individuals(even small groups) ideally requires someone with training and experience, along with knowledge of de-escalating a variety of situations. That may sound extreme, but it’s not.
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Geaton777 Jun 5, 2024
Yes it's a liability and control/scheduling issue.
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