Follow
Share

I recently found this site & I'm hoping y'all might be able to give me some guidance. I'm in my early/mid-20s, adopted as a baby, and stuck trying to balance a full-time job+1hr commute and a school course with a nasty, narcissistic 65 yo mother. She is the textbook definition of someone with narcissistic personality disorder (perfectly nice to everyone except my sibling and I), and she has several chronic medical issues (gastrointestinal, diabetes, severe arthritis). While she is still able to do things herself, she plays the martyr and refuses, leaving me as a caregiver of sorts. Duties include cooking her meals & cleaning up (she barely eats when I don't cook for her), running all of her errands, helping her do her laundry, figuring out anything she can't figure out (technology, bills), grocery shopping, taking care of the family dog, and on the off occasion she runs an errand herself, I must go with her "for company" but also to be her pack mule. She is prone to falls & has a lot of trouble getting up, so I always have to be on alert. My mother has "looked into" non-medical caregivers (not sure exactly what those are called) - the kinds of people that you pay to come to your house for a few hours to help with light housekeeping, errands, companionship, etc. - but never does anything about it because it "won't help". I have been doing all of this since my father died nearly 3 years ago, and my only sibling is now in a steady relationship and only comes over to the house 1 day a week to do the things I can't do (e.g. set up bigger holiday decorations outside, balance her checkbook). Her attitude and mobility (despite physical therapy) have really gotten worse this year, and I'm at my breaking point. I am so immensely bitter for a few reasons: I have virtually no family left (deaths & moving to other states), I've been physically, verbally, and emotionally abused since I was 3 or 4yo, I feel like my sibling has jumped ship & left me stranded, and most of all, I feel like I am truly missing out on creating a life for myself. The abuse has been the worst of all, the most soul crushing. I bend over backwards to help my mother, dedicating what little free time I have to trying to make her life easier, and I get a swift kick in the rear for it. No thanks. No appreciation. A lot of her attitude comes from her narcissistic personality disorder, but some of it also comes from her high levels of pain. She refuses to do anything remotely helpful for herself (medical procedure that could alleviate a lot of the pain, for instance) and would rather everyone cater to her and listen to her whine. The verbal/emotional abuse is what has led me to posting here - my life is a constant stream of "I can't believe how stupid you are", "you don't do anything to help me", "you're such a moron", and those are some of the *nicer* ones. Look up emotional incest, if you don't know what that is - this is my daily life. Oh, and did I mention I live at home? I have virtually no privacy, and she needs to know where I am every second of the day because she is controlling and paranoid that something bad will happen to me. (At this point, I'm tempted to willingly let someone abduct me...) I am planning on moving at the start of the new year because I have had it with her. I plan to go limited contact, and probably just one visit a week or once every 2 weeks, schedule dependent. Please help me get through these last 2 months. My life is truly unbearable at the moment. It has become so bad this year that I have developed anxiety that derails my day out of nowhere, and mild depression that leaves me feeling sad, helpless, hopeless, and everything else that depression brings. I need advice on how to manage a nasty, aging mother until I am able to move in 2 months - the holidays make all of this 50 times worse! (Must wait 2 months to move due to finances & work schedule.) I know I am not a caregiver in the traditional sense, since she can take herself to doctors appointments and doesn't need help dressing, washing, etc., but I absolutely do so many other things for her that I feel more like her employee than her daughter.

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
I am SO glad to hear that you are moving! That will be a huge part of the solution.

If you are living there, it is reasonable that you should contribute to the household in some way. Laundry, perhaps. Or weekly routine cleaning. Or cooking two meals a week. Or ... well any tasks you and Mother agree upon. It is not reasonable that you should be at her beck and call.

How about telling Mom that from now on you will cook one meal on the weekend and one on Wednesdays. Make crockpot meals or soups or similar dishes that will serve for several days and can be frozen for future weeks, to ensure variety. She doesn't eat much on the days you don't cook? Well that is too bad, isn't it? But certainly not your problem. There are restaurants, there is the crock pot food from yesterday, there are places that deliver meals, and there are a couple of home-made choices in the freezer. Tell her what you'll do, and stick to it.

Stop letting her be so intrusive into your affairs. Where are you going? "Out with friends. I'll probably be home by 11. If that changes I'll call you." But what friends? "I don't think you know them, Mom. Gotta run." It is courteous to let her know when you'll be home, but she isn't entitled to the details of your life.

Your brother has "jumped ship" -- and good for him! I suggest you do that as much as you can in the next two months. Spend minimal time in the house.

If you've always lived at home, establishing an adult-to-adult relationship is tough, especially given your mother's mental health issues. Do your best, don't expect miracles, and count the days until you will leave.
Helpful Answer (9)
Report

I got my mom to finally accept home support by telling her they were for ME, not for her. I don't know if that will work in your situation, but it's worth a try.

Batch cooking - spend one day cooking a bunch of things so you can freeze meals for microwaving or oven heating. (Maybe you can get the laundry done at the same time - and tell her if it's not in the laundry basket the night before, it doesn't get washed - and stick to it, don't go picking up after her.) Also Meals on Wheels is $6 per meal here in BC, Canada. There is also a company that provides diabetic and/or low sodium meals for $7. I'm sure there are similar resources nearby.

If she is not interested in taking care of her health (i.e. not eating properly, not following up about surgery, etc.) then it's not really your problem.

Walk away when she is being mean. Don't react. Just walk away. The more she sees her behavior upsets you, the more she will try to push your buttons. Obviously she's getting some kind of cheap thrill out of trashing you, so don't let her have the satisfaction.

Put a lock on your door and lock it at all times. Buy earplugs or wear headphones if she bangs on your door.

Maybe give her a set time during the day that you will be available for helping her, and tell her the rest of your time is devoted to studying, or whateve. And stick to it. Just because she is your mother does not give her the right to monopolize your time or energy.

Practice your poker face in the mirror. Keep it steady. Use it with her at all times. Even if she is being totally mean and provoking. Never change your expression.

Also what jeannegibbs said above. You're going out. With friends. You'll be back at ____ time. Leave quickly and don't let her suck you in. You're an adult now and it's none of her business what you do outside the house.

I am really glad you are leaving. Keep that goal in focus at all times. It might help to create a vision board - if you don't know what that is, there is lots of information online. A visual representation of the life you want for yourself can be hugely helpful - sort of "keeping your eyes on the prize." (You may want to keep it hidden from your mother though.)

I read somewhere that NPD is the one mental disorder that is not treatable with medication or psychotherapy. She's not going to change, and as her health worsens, so will her behavior. If nothing else helps, at least feel free to come to this site to vent. I only discovered it a couple of weeks ago, but it's already made a difference to me, just being able to talk.

Edited to add:  make sure your money and financial information is SECURE and untouchable.  Because if she sees your are serious and dedicated to getting out of her house, she may try anything to sabotage it. 
Helpful Answer (6)
Report

Yikes, I think even 2 more months with this person (with her horrific behavior towards you and your sibling, I can't bring myself to refer to her as a "mother") should be avoided at all costs. I seriously would consider any safe way to get out sooner if at all possible. The advice you've gotten above is very good but... I guess I just hate the idea of making any sort of compromise with abuse, even if that's not the intention, of course.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

You most certainly are a caregiver! This is way too much on your plate. You will have a much better life once you move away from your mother. You have a job, you're going to school - all things that are very, very important. Don't let anxiety and depression from the abuse (and yes, that is what it is) your mother is heaping upon you to derail your plans.

Is that a one-hour commute each way? Or one hour total?
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Wishing You Every Happiness In Your New Home 🏠🌈

Your mother is far more likely to decide that outside help *will* help once you're not there. She'll be fine.
Helpful Answer (8)
Report

I'd keep a mantra going in my head, "60 more days...59 more days...58 more days - I can do this!" You ARE a caregiver and an abused child. I am SO happy to read you're moving out. Any chance you could couch surf for a few days or weeks when it gets bad? Get out and don't look back. I'd go no contact once you leave if I was you. Does your mom know you're leaving? Expect her to get super manipulative as the time nears.

Look on here (and elsewhere) for posts about the F.O.G. (fear, obligation & guilt) that narcissists use to keep their children in line. It sounds like you've got a very good handle on what's happening with your mom, which is terrific. Most adult children who were abused struggle with the idea of leaving or reducing contact. It sounds like you're in great shape with both of those ideas.

Come back here frequently when you need some support - we get it and we're in your corner! {{{Hugs}}}
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

Dorianne, that's what I told my mother when she started acting up about my getting in a respite carer for a few hours a week - she said she didn't need anyone to sit with her and I said it wasn't for her benefit but mine, so I didn't have to worry for a few hours. It worked! She still gives me the stink-eye when the carer turns up, but as I'm on my way out of the door by then I pretend not to see it.
Blackdiamond, hugs and kudos to you for getting out - don't let anything get in your way. This kind of emotional bullying saps the spirit. And if she "has a fall" or "gets sick" in an attempt to emotionally blackmail you into staying, don't fall for it. Just call 911 and walk away.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

You’re already on the right path, making a plan toward changing things by moving out. Good for you! I hope you’ll put your focus on that for the next weeks, distance yourself emotionally and mentally from the abuse as much as possible, and make plans, if only mentally toward your new life. Your mom will be perfectly fine, she’s learned an unhealthy pattern of behavior that you no longer need to tolerate. I hope after you move, that when you come back to visit, if and when the abuse starts you’ll just leave. Teach her a new way to treat you, or deny her your presence. Blessings in the days ahead
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

Go and read all the archives at captainawkward.com . It is all about setting boundaries, and you need all the help you can get. She gives really good advice and "scripts" to help you set the boundaries. And read through the comments also. You'll get a sense of camaraderie there.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

@SnoopyLove - I tend to agree with you, and if this had been a domestic partnership, I probably would have said call the women's shelter, get out of this situation!

That said, it does seem like blackdiamond has a plan to get out, and is more looking for ways to cope with the waiting period between now and when she can enact her plan. Unless I'm misinterpreting you, blackdiamond.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

I'm so sorry for what you're going through, blackdiamond! I understand, because I went through the same thing myself.  I'm glad that you have a plan for moving out, and I agree with the others that you should be very careful about how you do this, because she will try to sabotage you, even if it means doing things like faking a "health event" near the time of your move out.

Also, remember that you are the only person who can say "no" to her demands, and you CAN say no.  It's perfectly acceptable to say no, although it does take practice.  This has helped us: Ask yourself, "What's the worst that can happen if I say no to this request?" The answer for a daughter of a narcissistic mother is usually, "She'll get mad!"...but so what? You can't control her emotions, actions, or anger, but you CAN control yourself. Take your life back. I did it, and (years later) finally feel normal again!

I also highly recommend therapy, it really does help. Yes, it's expensive, but the alternatives of not being productive, not having a happy life, and not being able to set boundaries, are much worse. If nothing else, read forums and get suggestions about how other people deal with their narcissistic parents.

I also firmly believe that NO ONE should have to take care of an abusive family member. If someone wants to and is at peace with it, then fine. But if they are guilted and forced into it, that's not ok. If someone had an abusive ex-husband, no one would expect his ex-wife to care for him in his old age, especially if he continued to be abusive! But somehow, society (not those on this forum, but society in general) thinks that we're obligated "because it's your MOTHER!" Baloney. Right now, I'm taking care of my father-in-law, and doing it willingly. He also never abused me! But (God willing) it will be a cold day in h3ll before I take care of my own narcissistic mother!!!
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

I am so sorry you are going thru this all.....I am on the opposite side of all this.....I am 59 years old and have three sons that I love an adore.....one is adopted.....From a child had my major diagnosis......and was told it would get worse in later years......I could of gone on disability very young.....but it go to readmission etc....I worked hard , loved my job....working with physically mentally challenged adults.....for 25 years at a day program.....and at same time three times a week.....work out in community with clients family that lived at home....I knew with specialists , mris cts ...other things were happening diagnosises....oh forgot before this geriatrics nursing home.....also boys town way later in life ...at home when second marriage taking in therputic children......my others two sons all grown , families out of state......when I did foster care.......and adopted our youngest 26 now.....things were getting worse health wise for me...... but always covered up so my sons did not know.....My scare was I never wanted my sons to ever be my caretakers....ever.... I was very independent....and they did all sports, music, activities, etc.....my pain levels were so so high at times , but as told by medical field....I buried myself in work , the boys and all else...and by 2012 that was it.....was time no no work....cervical stenosis, arthritis , spinal and then muscle disease was detected.........and I knew behind my head it was time to agree with specialists work was to be over......I kept my faith and thanked god.......that they were all grown.......moved on......and then I could get done what I needed for me.....worse for me went into a depression.....I wanted to keep working, my body wouldnot......and 4 months later I got on ssdi.....specialists worked all hard together....with medicines , No narcotics , no opiates....I forgot to say stopped foster care....when adopted my son...he had lots of education and social needs....and my husband took off to another state....left me sick....it was scairy.....house to big.....legally did a mortgage turn over to a inlaw......got into apartment......all wanted home care...I said NO....every state has for the elderly......or disabled...I am writing all this as a child , again sorry you had to go thru all this.....from bottom of my heart...I wish I seen this earlier ......I shop online for groceries, if great day....go with someone....for small things...due to walking...tremors....but I go....aides to the big stuff....but I still participate....c.n.a./homemakers.....15 hours a week....and if she has a lot of proven diagnosis.....eligible for a long term care policy.....(pay a fee) and best thing I agreed to...also our state rhode island has the ride program.....all over the state fee of 4.00 each way ......for doctors, anything.....case aide , and all jumped in....first overwhelmed.....thank goodness had a heart attack at home by myself , no chest pain...all systems of a virus... my doc too smart did ekg....and right to hospital and icu and operation....brand new.....but at least I had all this help....or I probably be not here today..... My mom 77 years old comes over and helps...you know what that makes me feel like... I should be taking care of her when she is going to be in need.....she could be very very put down, the mouth , and then years back ...she finally with counseling said her fear with what was going on with me......scaird her...she and daddy were told ....I be in a wheel chair by my prom....ha ha....I know others and great the abuse no excuse believe me......none at all.....some are saying leave her and move on.....yes for you of course.......My opion..........from my heart........working all my life with every behavior, disorder , people from instutions all their lives back to communites......very dangerous back then......they were scaird......but our center and other TLC and profressionals......today so many out working ....and never would know same person that arrived to us from 1980s ...... You seem like a great girl doing all this.....kudos to you........As all are saying just leave her there..... What your explaining .....she needs help......mentally, emotionally , and etc.......with doctors and case managers for elderly or disabled...check with your state or her docs......see she had you all this time to do all.....and they always say people that have that disorder.....sad but they go at the person they love the most......with home care they will have her participate.......get what she needs to do.....physically and mentally......get your sibling , friends , family involved strong....but just don't strand her..........I was strong and did it ......emotionally.. but disappointed with my sons.....always to busy to visit , one of their wifes don't like me, and after all my life , dedicated all to them we were a team......it hurts......feel abandoned....and melted down at beginning of this....then thought with help.. get your big girl panties on lol... few friends since childhood....we are so close still.....but others disappear when others adopt , family, sicknesses....She probably lost others thru the way....holding onto to you for dear life but the real wrong way.........but if your overwhelmed I can understand.....believe me.....what you been thru.....these phone calls for help for her ........instead of abandment.....will go a long long way.........believe me........then your anxiety level will be okay....even when you move on.....you sound do much of a nice girl to just go and leave her with nothing.......with out worrying........just proving all you do.....I hope this helps......great luck for you......hope that it works out for you two.......hoping you still call or visit her.......when all takes effect.....
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

I really appreciate all of your replies! It means so much to have found a forum where other people understand what I am going through. Can't tell you how many times friends and strangers have been dismissive - "she's your mother", "it's your job as her daughter", etc. Also, I apologize for my post originally being one huge paragraph! I didn't think it would format like that.


Yes, I'm currently living there, and of course it's reasonable to contribute. I cook meals for her when I am home (she is a picky eater so it's typically whatever she wants to eat - will often need to cook two separate meals, which, after being out of the house for 14 hours, is the LAST thing I feel like doing), but she also refuses to help me clean up, and does not acknowledge anything about it - no thanks, won't even get up to come get her plate from the kitchen. She also refuses to eat leftovers. Not sure why. Like I said, picky. I batch cook for myself, though, when I can.


To be completely honest, I almost never see my friends, which is a huge part of my feelings of resentment. Between work, my class, working out, making sure I have time to cook meals for myself (and her if I'm home), and running errands/various tasks she needs me to do, I have zero energy left to devote to seeing my friends. That also kind of isolates me because my friends just don't get it because none of them have had a parent pass away, have a mobility-challenged & narcissistic mother, or have any idea what it means to have to put someone else before yourself. The problem with not divulging details (including letting her know when I've arrived at work!!!!!!) is that she will go to the ends of the earth to find out...minus using GPS stuff because she has no idea how technology works. I have had her call my work SEVERAL times and it's so embarrassing because I'm an adult and should be able to do what I want, when I want. Have tried talking about this with her to no avail.


I'd love to walk away from her when she's being abusive, but I have tried and can't - she is so off her rocker that she actually FOLLOWS ME through the house, outside, wherever I go. Close a door? Unfortunately there are no locks on my bedroom door, so she'll come in and keep harassing me. Go outside? She'll come outside and scream like a banshee at me. Embarrassing for me, I don't care as much about her reputation, but at 11pm, I'm sure the neighbors don't need to hear this. Try to take a drive somewhere to cool off? Nope, she'll call the cops because the car is technically in her name. I physically cannot escape. She has no qualms about ripping headphones out, and being physically abusive to get my attention because she's a narcissist and will do anything for attention.


CTTN55 - it's a one-hour commute each way. That's also another huge reason I'm moving soon - to have a shorter commute. Leaving work at 9pm, not getting home until 10:30 (due to train schedule, it's only an hour door to door but the train schedule adds time), then needing to eat dinner and go to sleep is really difficult for me. Also sick of the insane cost of transpo by me, as well as being at the mercy of a train schedule.


Dorianne, you are spot on! I definitely didn't articulate well. I am slated to move in January, but the way apartment hunting goes in my area, you can't start looking until the month before, so I can't really take any action/solidify things until next month. And yes, I am really just on here for suggestions on how to cope for the time I've got left at home.


I have toyed with going no-contact, but I'm thinking limited contact will be better for me. A call or visit once every one to two weeks will be ideal for me, especially because my dog is staying at home when I move. Immense sadness that I cannot take my snuggly pup with me, but I absolutely cannot live without visiting my dog as frequently as I can, which happens to mean I can't go NC with my mother. She's easier to deal with anyway when she isn't around me every day.


WhirledTravel, that's a great example. Going to start using that when people try to dismiss me because "she's your mother". I'm going to try to do therapy once I'm actually out, and I also hope I can build up the courage to start a blog that people in my life can read - only a few people know my situation (no one knows the severity of it), but I think being transparent about it will help me open up to people about it in a way that I feel safe doing. Also hoping I can eventually, once I have free time and a steadier schedule, get involved with some kind of women's empowerment group/foundation or maybe a women's shelter or do volunteer work for/with people that have been abused (any age, any type of abuse).

Lastly, she has been looking into non-medical home care/companionship care/people that can come do light housekeeping, errands, etc. But because she's so picky, she finds fault with everyone. We had one woman come to the house today and I liked her (probably because she was talking about ways their caretakers could support me as a caregiver, and when my mother scoffed, she replied, "No, she could probably use a break once in a while"). I'm hoping we can find someone that she is agreeable to, that way the moving transition won't be as difficult, and I can breathe once in a while.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

blackdiamond, do you think your mother will hold your pup over your head, and threaten to abandon him/her if you move out? Would your mother be so vindictive?
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

@blackdiamond - That sounds very frustrating. And I hear you: people who have not cared for parents don't understand how much work it is, and people who do but haven't experienced abuse or family dysfunction from a parent really don't get it. I know I'm sure tired of people giving me the side-eye when I express any negativity about what it's like to take care of my mom.

I do really urge you to put a lock on your door. It's not too hard to do - you can buy a locking doorknob from a hardware store like Home Depot. Just unscrew all the parts of the old one and put the new one in its place. There are tutorials online if you get stuck.  Do it when she's sleeping if you have to.  Your new knob will come with two keys.  Don't give her one. 

I was thinking about what CTTN55 says too - worrying about your mother using the dog to manipulate you. This is a common tactic of abusers.  If this is a concern, there are lots of people who foster animals for people fleeing abuse. Your local women's shelter should be able to help you find some resources.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Regarding your dog - if there is ANY way to have him go with you, or even place him in a friend's care, I would do that! Speaking from experience, I left my dog with my parents because my landlord didn't allow dogs, and when they got tired of him, they put him to sleep. :( Not trying to scare you, just be aware and vigilant. Your mom may get VERY angry when you leave!!!
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter