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As my husband gets worse with dementia, ptsd and alcohol, I find myself out of house due to threats to me and my dog. Angry calls telling me he'll break my family heirlooms that will make him feel better! Taking Uber rides to bar coming home drunk and being walked to door by driver. Which is the day I left when I saw Uber driver escorting him to door with loud talking back and forth. Got a call after I left that the police were just at my house to check on him. He asked why I called them. Well I didn’t the Uber driver did. I have been trying to get him evaluated at the VA and today is the day. He has mental health appointment and has allowed me to take him at which time I will see if he voluntarily will agree to be admitted. If not then I will have to run to a facility to get petition for involuntary commitment/evaluation. This is the hardest thing I have ever done. But I want him to be helped. I want him to be looked at before he goes back home. He already informed me that on the way home from VA today he wants to stop and get two big bottles of Jameson so he doesn’t run out. If I was to say no then he would go ballistic, mind you he already carries a gun. If we stop for that he will only get angry and I still could not go home. I have done nothing but take care of him for twenty years. His dementia has triggered sexual obsession to the point I cannot handle which has triggered even more aggressive behavior. I go over to the house to bring food and then he calls and asks why didn’t I get him wine!!!! So today is my doomsday I am just sick as to what will happen. I am told I am doing the right thing. But I just am so scared for him. I can only hope he voluntarily agrees to be admitted!!! I just want to go home!!!! Get my life back!!! Hope this works. Please keep fingers crossed!!!

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Is there any way you (or someone) can remove his gun while he's sleeping? (and the ammo?) Surely he doesn't sleep with it...? Do you know if the gun is legally registered and he has a permit to carry (not sure of the laws in AZ)? I realize you have so much on your plate right now and don't need one more thing, but for your safety and his... Does the VA have a sign posted that says "Bans guns on these premises"? Any excuse to get him to leave it behind and maybe have someone secure it. If doesn't not agree to be committed, you should get a restraining order, or leave. I know...more hard stuff but letting things stay the way they are might get someone killed. Please protect yourself (and your family)! Praying for you to have strength, courage and wisdom!
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Flamingo65 Dec 2019
yes he has concealed carry and all registered. But it’s his hobby being a Marine he is very proud of his collection he always puts it away before he enters hospital for any appointment. It impossible to take from him. But majority are in locked room. I would have family come in first and get rid of them before they are confiscated. If he is in hospital for evaluation I can handle that at that time. Thanks for comment. I appreciate the concern. I am doing my best
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This will give you only a few days time and I am not certain what it will accomplish because they will give him medication and say he is stable. I do believe you are eventually down to the ER dump in which you say he cannot return to your care. And to make it clear if he is taken to a home and dumped there he will be without your care. And then call Adult Protective when it is clear he is not GETTING care. This may send guardianship to the State but to be frank that is all for the good, because really NONE of this is now or ever will be in your control. I am so sorry. I hope you will update us as you go along.
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Flamingo65 Dec 2019
Ok here’s the update. The place the VA told me told me to go to denied my petition because they do not treat DEMENTIA!!! NEVERMIND The fact that he has ptsd and alcohol problem. The courage it took to even walk in to do this was huge. Only to find what I was told to do was not possible!!!! I again called the VA and talked with patient advocates and they told me I need to talk with a social worker of who I left a couple msgs and hope to hear from them in morning. Thanks for your comment and I will update when possible!!
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You mention PTSD...
Your husband is a Veteran. If so call the VA and tell them that he is a danger to either himself or you or both.
The VA will waste no time in trying to help.
Call and talk to a Patient Advocate or his primary
OR when you call the VA one of the first recordings you hear is about safety, suicide and the like you can transfer to that department and they will help.
You are doing this as much for your safety as for his...if he were to harm you who would care for you (if he does not kill you)
If this becomes urgent before you can contact the VA you call 911 and tell them that you are afraid for your life, inform the dispatcher that there is a weapon on the premises and that he may have it on him. (this is to protect the first responders as well as your husband) Also inform the dispatcher that your husband is a Veteran and he has PTSD as well as probably being under the influence of alcohol and if possible you want him transported to the VA hospital. Call the VA and inform them of the situation.
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Flamingo65 Dec 2019
I have done all that. Been working with this VA for 10 yrs. His mental health clinic is the one who told me where to go and file petition!!! You would think they would have known that this place did not treat dementia. Even tho he has ptsd and alcohol problem this place denied the petition. The police have been called only to find him ok and not suicidal. The police were called by the nurse at VA and instructed them he needed to be brought in. But when I called police they said they found him not to be suicidal and that if I would need a petition for involuntary commitment/evaluation. Which I did today. Only to find they denied the petition because the place does not treat dementia!! You would think the VA would know all
that. But that’s where mental health instructed me to go. Not done yet. I am waiting to hear from social worker hopefully tomorrow. Keep your fingers crossed. And thank you for your comment. I appreciate your time in responding to me.. I will give update if and only when I get over this darn brick wall the VA keeps making me jump over !!!
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You need to call the police and tell them your husband has guns. Very bad with PSTD and alcohol in the mix. If they keep him 72 hours, have the police go into ur house and remove them. He is a threat to you and the police.
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Your husband is probably suffering from alcohol related dementia (in addition to other things) and his sex obsession is known as Inappropriate Sexual Behavior or ISB, and goes with the territory for lots of people with dementia. Be SURE to mention that to his doctor. I just wanted to add that into the mix of the good advice you've already gotten.

I'm really sorry for what you're going through and the fear that you are experiencing at your husband's hands. It's just awful to be scared of the man you married because he's turned into a stranger who drinks excessively and is threatening, and has guns. I will pray that he is admitted immediately so he can get the help he needs, and so you can get some relief from this nightmare you've been living.

Sending you a big hug and lots of prayers, dear friend.
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Flamingo65 Dec 2019
Thank you!! But I fear my worst nightmare has begun. After getting up the courage to do something I never thought I would ever have to do, they denied the petition!!! They made wait 3 hrs before they could tell me that they did not take him because they do not treat dementia!!!! This where the VA told me to take him!!! I am livid to say the least. What I went thru in my heart to do such a thing and they denied my petition to help my husband!!!! But I am not done!!! I again called the VA and have left a msg to speak with social worker. Hope this isn’t a brick wall again!!! I so appreciate your comment and concern. I guess I wait to see what tomorrow brings!!! Thanks again!!!
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No advice but I wish you the best. Wow, this is one very very difficult situation. I hope things went OK today.

You need to be safe! Until and unless he gets some serious help, it does not seem that you are safe in his presence. I would not go to the house without a police escort! That sounds crazy, but so is this situation.

Dementia, PTSD and alcohol? Now that's a recipe for disaster!

I feel really badly for both of you.

PLease let us know what happened today. Stay strong. You have to put yourself first. Doesn't mean you can't do your best to see that he gets the help but stay safe.
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Flamingo65 Dec 2019
Well they made me wait 3 hours thinking they were going to pick him up and then when I called they said they denied the petition !!! They don’t treat dementia!!!! It being the worse feeling I have ever had and it took all of my being to get the courage to walk in and ask for my husband to be picked up by police then be told they didn’t do it!!!! The VA told me to go their on top of it!!!! Very hard pill to swallow. I am sorry the VA treats situations like this without first hand knowledge. I am now among the thousands of wife’s who have to watch her husband deteriorate before my eyes. I have again called and left numerous msgs and have left one for a social worker I was again directed to. We will see what tomorrow brings!! Thanks so much for your comment and concern. I will keep you posted.
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