Hi!
My husband is my MIL’s only living child. His sister died about 13 years ago and as any parent can fathom, really broke his mother’s spirit. She’s been fairly depressed, although not diagnosed, ever since.
We’ve been married 8 years. Prior to getting married, we talked about what his moms plans were for the future. He made it clear that as we were a young couple, that the plan wouldn’t be her moving in. We now have two small children and are planning a third. The medical needs of one child has led me to shift away from my career as lawyer and now I teach part time with an eye to return to a full time career teaching when my youngest is in kindergarten. This is something we’ve talked about and would benefit our family financially and emotionally. My MIL and I have always had a strained relationship owing to I think differences in personalities, culture, expectations, and mental health concerns. She visits a twice a year but for short periods of time. She had a mild stroke last year and has since recovered. Her doctor in her home country advised that we should consider her staying with us for longer visits. I had my reservations about this working but I didn’t want to be unkind. My husband and I talked about her staying permanently and his sponsorships of her immigration petition. We didn’t agree on the permanent option but decided to ask her for a longer visit. She has been here since January and was initially slated to return home on March. Due to COVID, that didn’t happen
My husband and I can’t afford to take care of her long term (unless I care for her) and give our kids a decent life. He’s an essential employee and the nature of his work means he has to work a lot, often around the clock. Before her visit, I was doing, if not all of child care plus my own work, most of it. Yet,
Somehow we found a balance where he would take the lead on weekends. Since she’s been here, Attending to her has been my responsibility and it’s been hard and nearly impossible. I make her meals, wash her clothes, clean her space and have to supervise her interactions with my kids (discipline and just awareness on how to interact with them Is a big a problem) all the while trying to lovingly parent and teach my children. She wants to be helpful but due to mobility issues, really can’t assist much. What she can help with, comes loaded with criticism so it’s more peaceful to just do it myself.
Recently she’s been having issues with hygiene and I’ve had to ask her to bathe. She says she can’t smell herself and doesn’t see the need to bathe daily as she isn’t doing much but sitting around. She seems mentally acute to me but I think living alone, her standards may have slipped? I don’t know for sure since she does reside abroad and have only seen each other in short bursts. We don’t talk much now because of a few fights that happened weeks ago and are trying to give each other space. But it’s not enough. My home is my sanctuary and I am ashamed to say, having her here this long has made it clear that I am uncomfortable with her being here long term. I feel like my plate is full. My husband and I are now in counseling because he doesn’t know what to do with his mom in the future but also doesn’t want it to fall on me. His mom puts pressure on me to let her move in.
We have a carriage house but she won’t consider it, because at 20 ft away, it’s too far. I’m not a needy person by nature and really need my space. My husband is the same but is willing to suck it up (which has made him unpleasant and dedicated more to working so he can avoid it all).
If We had an empty nest and weren’t still building our lives, I’d feel differently.
Her flight is now slated to depart in July. I am trying to have a conversation about other options for her long term care but I don’t know how? I think it’s best that we consider mutual visits as options and then eventually long term care in her home country as living here (unless she stays with us) is financially prohibitive.
but that’s a ways away. My husband acknowledges all of this but is willing to” endure until
the end” which is, to my
mind, unhealthy for everyone. I think he’s upset at me for not finding a way to make it work and needing space( even though he needs it himself and has no ideas on what to do lol) which is why I was trying to facilitate a resolution. I think you are right that I need to just step back and let the two of them sort it out. Again thank you! Im
waiting until July and praying the flight departs with her on it.
It might take just a pinch of chutzpah, but could you point out to your MIL that her first duty is to her mother..?
My MIL is from Barbados and her sister who once cared for her mother now resides in the same assisted living community in Canada. We’ve inquired as to her moving theee but the same impediments apply, she has no ability to draw on state benefits as she has never lived anywhere but Barbados. She has some resources but all of them are if use only in her home country.
Your husband is allowing one person to have a negative impact on three soon to be 4 members of your family. And he seems to think it is ok to subject you to her abuse for the next 18+ years?
This is not ok.
Send her home to Barbados next month and be very clear that there will not be any more visits until ground rules are etched in stone.
It is not up to her doctor back home to decide how long the visits should be, or if indeed there should be any visits. Would it be easier for your family to travel to Barbados to visit? You can stay in a hotel, choose how much one on one time you will have with her and leave when she gets persnickety. Or better yet, send your husband on his own.
The best advice is probably to stay strong, lie low, wait for her to go, wait for things to settle down and for the family dynamic to recover. Then have another discussion, where you put your foot down very firmly. If MIL ‘has made her dislike of me clear in letters and family meetings’ she should not be living with you, nor you with her. If she ‘wants desperately to be with her son and grandkids, but not me’, then she will have no problems in working against your marriage. This really is a situation where your husband has to choose between his mother’s wants and your needs. Don’t feel guilty that it has all gone wrong. There is no way it was going to go right.
So sorry you r being blamed here. Maybe in your session you can bring up how her living with you just would have not worked. Two adult woman cannot live with each other for one, especially when one thinks she is the Matriarch. She would need a greencard to stay here and I think its 5 years before she would qualify for any kind of help like Medicaid. She would not qualify for SS or Medicare because she never paid into it. That means private paying her health insurance. If she is hospitalized and ends up in rehab...will her private coverage pay for her care like Medicare does? And she has resources at home. I agree she is lonely but what she wants may not be viable. Make a list of pros and cons. You are the one who will be left with this woman day in and day out. With two small children, you have no time to entertain her. At 80 it will be hard for her to find friends if she is not willing to get out. Eventually the kids will be in school all day, which when that happens you may want to go back to work. Then she is home alone.
I thank God my MIL never chose to move back here. But, since we had already had an altercation and DH took my side, I knew my input was important. Actually, when he did consider her living with us, he told his Mom she would sell her house and us ours and we would find a rancher with a master bedroom and bath where she would have her own area. But, he would not mortgage a house since he would be retiring. So what our house didn't cover in the cost, hers would have to. She never made that decision.
I would tell her to stay with you, she will need to use the carriage house. That long term just won't work because you are two different people. She was able to raise her children in her home with no intervention, you would like that too. Is she really that immobile that she can't do for herself? She can't do a load of wash? She can't fold her own clothes? Put them away? How dirty can her space get. Swifter products are great. Dusters do a great job. I have a small lightweight vacuum I use for quick pickups and rooms not really used. Are you maybe doing things for her because its quicker and you know its done? Believe me, I know where you are coming from. Especially, its easier to do it yourself.
You may want to explain to hubby (my husband still doesn't understand this) that two adult woman cannot live together. Even a mother and daughter have their way of doing things. A MIL and DIL even more so.
What will MIL do if she goes home? What support does she have there? You have been doing everything for her, will she be able to do for herself?
You understand how husband feels, its his mother. But if you haven't considered it, be aware that MIL will be entitled to no benefits here. I think there is something like a 5 yr wait for Medicaid. (someone will correct me) She is not eligible for Social Security or Medicare, she never paid into it. Her health insurance will need to be paid by her or you. That is not cheap.
a resident in her kids’ homes. She needs space too.
You are spot on about how she’d be eligible for no services here. She has services and support at home but wants to be with us. I’ve explained, as I tend to be cornered since husband working so much, why it’s difficult for her to move here. She gets it, I believe m, but still insists. I expect she thinks we have more financial resources than we do, as husband is an attorney. But as we live in one of most expensive regions and both have student loans, it’s not the high life. We do
ok but not enough to take
on an adult for what could be 20
years. We want to have another child and save college. We’ve also explained this to her.
I don’t know what the future will bring but her family is very long lived. Her 106 mother is still
around and feisty. So
committing now to having her here, feels like a big chunk of our youth and time to really share the world with our kids and to live our lives.
I am not opposed to proffering fiscal
support when we are able, but I just can’t imagine how having here in our home or even in our carriage house, won’t jeopardize our family.
What family is pressuring you to find a way to make it work? And friends?
"My blood pressure has gone up and my doctor is concerned that this situation is deleterious. My husband seems down, has gained 18 lbs from stress and his personality has changed as well. Our whole home is overtaken with tension and I feel like the kids sense it too."
So everyone in the household is having negative effects. Don't start accumulating the effects of high bp now if you don't have to. Your H is on his way to negative health effects, also. And so are your kids. Use your doctor's concern as an excuse, if you have to. You are not well enough to do this. And you are the one who is doing most of the caregiving, so YOUR health is very important! Don't let ANYone tell you that these things don't matter.
Your mil's mother is 106?! While that is wonderful, that is also scary to think that if you let mil stay, like you wrote it could well be for over 20 more years!
I'm hoping that plane carries mil away up into the big blue yonder and back to the Caribbean come July!
Keep us updated!
I’m hoping they flight occurs without a hitch too. We need a break.
Having worked with attorneys almost all of my working career, I don't recall any who felt this way and justified compromising a position, unless it was for a better client outcome., and ALL parties benefited. That you do feel this way suggests to me that you've already, consciously or unconsciously, begun to adapt to the pressure MIL creates. So it's timely that you're evaluating the situation now, especially with your husband working more b/c of MIL's presence.
You might consider listing what can be accomplished and allowed within the family needs and parameters, IF you were to allow her continued long term residence. Anything else is off the table, or would have to be purchased from outside sources. This allows you to establish terms, with which she will have to comply if she wants to stay. I'm obviously not inferring unreasonable demands though.
This gives you a baseline, but also lets her know that she can't have everything she wants. And it may be the start of a lot of friction, but you and your husband need to stand your ground on the parameters you establish. Stating that EVERYONE needs to cooperate if the arrangement is to work is a good, tactful way of avoiding the issues of your being demanding, or other excuses she might raise.
I'm sure you've established similar parameters for your children, and in some ways she's behaving like one and needs to be given boundaries.
How did she live when she was abroad? Did she have help? Personally, I could see her living in the carriage house; a 20 foot walk isn't difficult for someone who's physically able.
Meals could be just brought over to her; she can get used to eating alone, especially if she's disruptive. Dining doesn't have to be a group activity.
You may have to think of her as an adult child, needing some supervision to encourage her to behave more cooperatively.
I'd just forget about the showers and use no rinse shampoo and soap. It's a lot easier. If she complies, treat her afterward, perhaps with a special food, accompanying her on a walk, or something that she enjoys. Give her incentives to cooperate.
But be prepared to put your feet (all four of them) down if she doesn't accede to you and your husband's standards.
I know this isn't easy; it's hard to be forceful with a older parent, but there has to be a balance maintained in order for any living arrangement to work. And if it doesn't, she always has the choice of returning overseas.
My husband says the environment I caused in our home with my “ facial expressions and body language” has led her to be uncomfortable and feel
unwelcome. His mom told
him that she’s never coming back here. I’ve never said she couldn’t visit. Only indicated to my husband that we should restrict it two maybe 4 weeks a couple of times a year. I confess I have been tired and stressed ( two small kids locked in) but I can’t conceal that for 6 months! My husband pretty much blames me for putting him in an impossible situation. So much so that we’ve postponed our anniversary ( 6/30) until after our weekly marriage counseling session. I am a little in shock with how all of this is going. We were fine before. Now I’m not sure what’s happening. He clearly doesn’t want his mom to go under these conditions, and I’d never have recommended it either. I told him he should fly with her halfway to be sure she’s ok. He’s just so hurt by all of this and upset with me. I’ve just tried to survive and keep to myself. Apparently, that approach was inhospitable and wrong? I don’t know.