She became upset when my children (daughter and SIL) and 3 grandkids came over to visit. We see them often. Oh did I mention my husband and I live with MIL. She also has dementia not sure what stage. I am also her full time caregiver for the last 3 years. Well she became upset while they where here and refused dinner that night and refused all meals the next day and we are now on the second day and refused breakfast. She is a diabetic diet controlled. I know people think people with dementia will forget why they had the outburst but this woman can hold a grudge. My husband said I should tell her he's having her put in the hospital. Any advice?
It sounds as though his mom would benefit from a psychiatric workup. Have you talked to her doctor about these behaviors? Have you considered that she may have a UTI?
My mother had the potential to be like that too. If the attention was off her for any length of time, she got snarky and pure D nasty. When she began to make noise about moving in with me, I put the end to that real fast.
You pretty much sealed your fate when you agreed to become her caregiver without really knowing her. Why did you? Well, it’s time to unseal it, plant your foot up your husband’s backside and tell him you’re researching facilities for her. Enlist the help of her doctor. If she winds up in the ER, refuse to bring her home and tell the social, worker why. Mention do-nothing hubby and your own burnout. Hopefully someone has POA for her.
You said "my daughter" so not ur husbands. Were the kids a little overwhelming? Dementia people aren't good in situations like this. Next time watch her. If she becomes anxious, take her someplace quite and let DH sit with her till she calms down. She may not realize why she feels the way she does so just pouts.
An idea: maybe she is not eating out of spite, anger or control? My grandmother did this when she was in a NH to recover from a broken hip. In her 90s, she didn't have dementia, but not stable emotionally. She lost 30 lbs, insisting "it's just water". Refused Ensure or anything like it. We'd bring things we knew she liked, and she'd turn her head and frown. We finally had a "Come to Jesus" meeting with her, us, and her doctor. Told her if she kept this up, she'd have to get a feeding tube. She said, "No!". Doctor said "It's up to you. I can't force you to get a tube. But I'm telling you now that if you keep starving, you will get weaker and you're going to die." That did it. Death was her biggest fear, so she started eating. Not enough really, but better than nothing.
What it came down to, is she was mad. Didn't want to be there, scared, can't do for herself, not in control. She established control and showed her anger by not eating. Almost an "I'll show them!" attitude. And she didn't consciously think to do it really, was just how she reacted. Even with dementia it's possible... 3-year-olds can do the same!
A trip to the ER gets her evaluated and starts the process to get her in a NH. Refuse to have her released to your care. When husband protests, give the reality check: She is going to decline and will need more help than what you both could provide, so might as well start on this before it gets truly bad. He can take the reins if he wants to keep her at home (because you are DONE!) but he'll have to quit his job. Which he won't. Hello, facility.
You are doing enough, time for hubby to take mom to hospital if that is what needs to be done.. He needs to patiently step in, take her to hospital. If she is not eating, or drinking she could have UTI. Have him call doctor for advice. Take her to hospital or make an appointment? Urgent Care usually will not take elderly people, well, not in my case, they always sent me hospital.
Again Husband needs to tell Mom. Period.
Have him pack his cell phone, charger, jacket, change of clothes for her and diapers if needed, snacks for him, bottles of water, a magazine or book. Have fun in ER, but they will find the issues and UTI if it's there. And her favorite blanket, it can get cold and a familiar blanket always makes er more comfy.
Pack hubby a bag for the er visit, it helps...
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