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MIL moved from NC to NJ and is currently in a memory care facility. She lived in NC for 14 years where her daughter lived, do not ask why she moved since her relationship with her daughter was next to nil prior. Well daughter spent the last 2 years complaining and telling us she is done with "M" (doesn't even call her mom). We finally took charge and moved MIL to NJ to be closer to her 2 sons. My husband and I are the primary contact and POA so we spend our days managing MIL's life (care, dr appts, finances). At first I would send monthly updates to daughter via email (we had blocked her phone so we could not get nasty texts or calls). We would not receive a response to the update email and then that moved to a 3 month and 6 month update. We are coming on 1 year and have not heard from daughter. Christmas, Easter, Mother's Day all came and went and daughter did not reach out to her at all (we check her phone for incoming and outgoing calls), no card nothing. After I sent the 6 month update and did not get a response, I said I refuse to update daughter any longer. My husband thinks we should to cover ourselves for later on. I disagree..... I have all phone messages, text messages and emails stating she was done and wants nothing to do with her mother. My question.....should I continue to send update emails regularly?

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"My question.....should I continue to send update emails regularly?"

No, YOU should not continue to send updates regularly.

Your HUSBAND - whose sister and mother this is - should be the one to update his sister regularly.

It's not on either one of you if SIL chooses not to respond.

Is your husband's relationship with this sister acrimonious? If so, has it always been so? Or is this new behavior on the part of your SIL?

My one sister NEVER responded to updates about our mother's health. Never. I still let her know, but I did it for MY sake, not hers. And it had nothing to do with "covering myself". I didn't want to look back in 10 years, 20 years, whatever, and ask myself if by NOT letting sister know what was going on, did I inadvertently "rob" her of time with our mother? So now that all is said and done, I can look in the mirror and know that I did the right thing by letting her know how bad mom was getting - the choice to not respond was hers, and she can never, ever use the excuse "well, no one ever told me how bad mom was". By keeping her in the loop, I removed that excuse from her lexicon.
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The "MIL'S daughter" had her for 14 years and presumably did all sorts of things for her (assuming she wasn't in assisted living).

These emails may be worded in a way that don't seem to require a response.
There's obviously tension here - would a " thanks for the update" response from her really make a difference? Are the emails worded in a way that would try to make her feel bad? Maybe she's having personal issues - have you asked her how SHE'S doing? She did put in 14 years - maybe she's physically or mentally damaged from it.
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Isthisrealyreal Jun 2022
IneedPeace, my dad was in a board and care. I saw more of him then my own husband, until I said enough. So being in a facility doesn't stop the constant demand, as the OP herself stated, their days are filled with caring for MIL that is in a NH.
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Send updates via the mail and certify (get her to sign that she received the letters), then you have proof that she received updates. Emails sent do not mean that the messages are received. I would suggest sending updates monthly or quarterly so that there is proof you are keeping her in the loop. You might consider sending copies to the other children as well.
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you realize what a selfish person you are dealing with. yes you should continue to keep her updated- make sure tho she is receiving them bc what if she says she never did! just a tho
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Isthisrealyreal Jun 2022
Jus curious how someone could be considered selfish after 14 years, the last 2 begging siblings for help and nobody stepping up, until this sister was burned to a crisp.

Then they move mom, cut sisters contact with the facility, criticize sister for telling mom things she asked about, blocked her from any contact except email and now they are wondering why she doesn't respond.

Hmmm? I can't even begin to imagine why you wouldn't know why she doesn't respond. Seems quite clear to me.
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Yes. Make it easy on yourself. Just email her regularly and let it go. The nice thing about emails is that you have a "paper" trail should anything go south with her. If a lot is going on with her MIL, email her more frequently. Email her if anything important happens. In any case, don't expect a response.
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AngieGuido74 Jun 2022
yeah i'm sure the "daughter" will expect to be in the will
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Yes
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I think you should send updates similar to a person would send a short Holiday letter.

The letter should NOT be detailed, should not ask for money or advice, and keep it light-hearted and short, and maybe include a pictures of a pleasant memory. Get to the point fast. It should not be more than a page.

If you want her input on something, put it at the top of the email and make sure it is on the subject line. Try to stay away from drama words like "urgent" and "need your response"...I automatically toss those because email should not be used for urgent matters and they are usually from spammers anyway.

The reason why your emails might be going unacknowledged could be because they are in her spam box or her primary email address is different than the one you have. It doesn't matter, that's her problem. I would still send her a quick update, maybe once a month, if anything of interest has happened.

Use it as a way to chronicle your MIL's life.
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A lesson from Maya Angelou..................

"When people show you who they are, believe them the first time."


So, let her go.
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Seems like the communication should be with your husband. Discuss going forward that your time might better be spent on a productive activity.

Leave sleeping dogs lie.
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No… my husband and I have have the same issue with my husband’s brother not keeping in contact with my 95 yr old FIL. I have tried the email thing too and nothing!…I am the one I’m sure being blocked now, cuz I’m the one sending frustrated texts and emails over my frustration with he and his wife totally ignoring his dad who has done nothing to him.
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It's no inconvenience to you to send them, is it? - no skin off your nose, as they say. Then why not continue? If the daughter really doesn't want them she can add them to her Spam settings (she might already have done that) or delete them, so there isn't even the slightest risk that you can be taken as harassing her in any way.

You're sure she is alive and kicking, are you? - the daughter, I mean.
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AlvaDeer Jun 2022
Your kind answer makes me want to amend my own advice. I think there is no harm in giving periodic updates, short and sweet and on point, letting person know that you are happy to elaborate if they wish you to. One and done every month or so. And yeah, she may not even be alive and kicking.
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A brief consult with an elder law attorney can answer this question. I am POA, and had to invoke an attorney due to a sibling’s interference. The attorney clarified the law for me, and clarified to sibling what they could and could not do. I highly recommend. Then no guessing.
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If you all are the primary POA why is there a worry of being covered? You have the communication with her that she wants nothing to do with her mom or the situation... If there is a question about a will or something left for you all or the daughter, whatever is in the estate or anything regarding what is left and how distributedif there its already in place... what's in it is done. But in my opinion I'm not sure what you're covering if you're POA... You're doing everything right. However, if it makes him feel better about it then just keep the communication but it sounds as if you've got enough that says she does not care to be involved. Keep doing the great things you all are.
All the best!
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I would send a note "Dear Daughter: We will not be sending updates in future as we cannot know if you wish to continue to receive them. We don't wish to be intrusive in your life. Should you wish to get an update from us simply drop us a note to that effect and we will happily send you an update. We hope all is well with you and we wish you the best".
Simple as that. It's what I would do. One thing off my plate, less to think about, and I would be assured she could reach out to me if she wished.
Best to you.
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AlvaDeer Jun 2022
After reading some of the kinder responders to your question I am going to amend my own response. Countrymouse is correct. No skin off your nose to send a monthly short and sweet update, saying you are open to filling in any questions she may have. And your hubby is correct that this covers bases for any future complaints, so keep yourself a copy. I get ticked off when I hear these stories and often give a knee-jerk response. On further thought on this I think you should just do this, expect the nothing you have so far got, and as countrymouse says, who is to know if she's still alive and kicking (well likely IS kicking IF alive, but who knows?).
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I suggest a compromise: send her an email on a regular basis; i.e. every Monday morning - Brief and to the point: "Your mom is doing okay. We invite you to call us for details." -
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Who says you are obligated to update her daughter? It's not like she is calling or visiting and wanting information and you are refusing....

If it will make you sleep better at night, send her a certified letter stating "mom is a resident at this particular facility and her diagnosis is XYZ. We have reached out to you repeatedly with updates, but have not gotten any response. The ball is now in your court. If you want updates about your mom or wish to visit her, feel free to contact us."

I guess I don't understand what the concern is....does MIL have a large estate that your husband thinks his sister is going to challenge?
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I think your husband is right. You should cover yourselves for later on.
Have your husband pick up a phone and call his sister. Tell her that you both understand that she doesn't want email updates on mother but that you have to send them because she's immediate family. She doesn't have to read them and can just delete them when she sees them in her email. You and your husband need a record of her being updated though.
I'm sure she'll understand. If she doesn't, well just keep sending her an email update until she blocks you from doing so.
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I wouldn't want to be the one accused after the fact of withholding information, for all the time it takes I'd keep sending emails, they don't have to be long or detailed.
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" My husband thinks we should to cover ourselves for later on."

Well, there's your answer. Let HIM do the periodic updates!
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I wouldn't, what is the purpose of doing this?

Gives her another excuse for not contacting her mother...why should she when she knows everything is ok and being handled by you and your husband?

Back off, let her call you if she wants to know something. There are no repercussions to be dealt with, it is her responsibility to check on her mother.
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BurntCaregiver Jun 2022
MeDolly,

They have to keep her updated because she's immediate family and they don't want to run into problems later.
Problems like maybe challenging a POA or conservatorship because they're failing to keep her in "the loop" and it's her mother too.
She sounds to me like she doesn't give two sh*ts or a pickle about her mother and her reasons are her own. She'll get no judgments from me on that. But I have seen siblings who had zero contact with a parent for years take a sibling who does have the legal authority into court and challenge them for it. Not out of love or care for the parent but because someone talks them into believing maybe there's money somewhere that the NH or MC didn't find out about. Or that the sibling in charge is screwing them out of a possible inheritance in some way.
The argument they always bring into court is that the sibling in charge wouldn't keep them updated on their "loved one". Not even an email or text.
This is why the OP needs to keep sending those update emails.
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While my gut reaction is why bother sending any updates since she has not responded I also feel...
How much time does it take you to sit and write out a few lines about how "M" is doing?
It does not cost anything to send an update.

If nothing else it might make her feel just a little bad that she does not have a connection.

Now if the daughter were on the forum and wrote ... "I keep getting emails updating me on my mother's medical condition, my mother and I have never gotten along and I really don't want these emails! Why don't they get the hint and stop sending them"
My response to daughter would be....
If you no longer wish to get the email updates send an email and tell them that you no longer wish an update. You can just delete them without reading. But my suspicion is you do want the updates. Just because no update probably means mom has died and that leads me to the question is do you want to be informed when she dies?

So I guess my answer to you is...I would still send the update, does not take much time and it does not cost anything. I would probably do a monthly or every other month one and keep it short. (and yes I realize that monthly or every 2 months is more than you are doing now but as I said very little time and no cost to you.)
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No! Stop sending her *any* future updates. She has made it abundantly clear she's not interested, so why keep pushing it? As you've stated, you have proofs of her prior attitude and behavior (I'm assuming this has to do with anticipated inheritance). And as long as MIL's personal affairs are being managed by her PoA responsibly and with good record-keeping, the PoA is under no obligation to divulge any info to anyone else. It's possible the daughter is blocking your emails, anyway. I wouldn't even inform her when her mother passes. Be done with her and move on.
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