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Hi. My brother and I share the primary care of our mother who lives with dementia. As my brother lives closer and drives, he manages appointments, visits, etc., and I manage her bank and other administrative services such as telecommunications, utilities, etc. online. My brother has recently started to request bank statements to make sure monies are not being misappropriated. I have explained that as POA and POG (my brother is seconder in the event I drop dead) I must abide my strict Australian law which banks are very aware of and he has access to mum's paper statements. I am checking with the bank if they can provide my brother with duplicates every time they issue a statement but am upset that my brother does not trust me or may be receiving advice from another family member which may not be in his best interests. Has anyone had a similar issue and how did you resolve it?

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Nip this in the bud. Ask your brother to be frank about what his concerns are and what would set his mind at rest. How is the suspect other family member involved?
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HI Megan! Welcome back!

Is your mom still living independently and resisting assessment?

Are you able to sit down with your brother and have a "clear the air" conversation? Is he trying to find out how much mom is worth, and what he7likely to inherit?
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Megan, a couple of points relevant in Oz quite recently. As you know, there have been some major scams of big companies, and accounts are at risk of identity theft. There are other people who are in trouble with on-line gambling (including a neighbor whose house had to be sold to pay the debts she had incurred on their joint finances). Often no-one knows until it all goes badly wrong. Then there are dating scams, once again usually ‘private’. None of them are ‘theft’, and they often go into effect very quickly.

Your brother is backup POA & POG, and would be in trouble managing for your mother if you were caught up in any of these things. Perhaps he just thinks that a double check is protection for all three of you – you, him and mother. Our neighbor’s husband would have been very grateful for something like that. Brother may have had someone confiding about this sort of problem (let’s hope not himself). Perhaps talk to him about the ‘protection’ aspect, and ask if there is anything specific that he is worrying about.

Keep a good relationship if you can, for all your sakes!
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Who would fine you, Megan?

Are you able to ask your mother's permission to share information with your brother?
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MargaretMcKen Dec 2022
You can show a bank statement to anyone you wish. However the bank says they can't put brother on their own mailing list. That's not the same thing.
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I have been in touch with the bank to see if they could send him duplicate statements & they advise that, as my brother is not a signatory on mums account, I can not give him info from mums account. As POA I have to abide by all terms & conditions. He can become a signatory or get independent advice. I'm not risking a fine because he has trust issues.
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MargaretMcKen Dec 2022
Megan, you have a computer, you can probably send him PDF copies as soon as you get the statements. Something is wrong, and has changed. It would be good for you to sort out why. I hope you read my last post.
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My bigger question is if Mum has signs of dementia - is her current independent living enough supervision &/or assistance for her?

This is where being on the same page with siblings goes really next level.

The 'Keep Mum at home forever' folk vs 'Move to a nice AL'.

The live for now vs the future planners.

You & your brother would be completely normal to see the world slightly differently, despite being related.

Being able to hear each other's views, use Mum's values to shape what to do, work together to place Mum somewhere safe is going to be the challenge.

Hard? Yes. But able to be done! I hear successful transitions all the time.

"Mum was unsafe at home - it was time".

Are you there yet?
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Sorry your brother is giving you a hard time. People can get so weird about money! Someone probably put a bug in his ear about this and planted a seed of doubt. You know you're doing the right thing and have nothing to hide so try not to take offense. Since he has access to her bank statements, does he bother to access them and review them? If not, I'd remind him of how to do it and just stay neutral about his mistrust. So just try not to be upset with him since it will not help anything. Good luck!
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No, he is making sure I'm not stealing money. He can review mums paper statements.
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