96 year old Mom broke her hip in August (inoperable as her heart won't take surgery), wheelchair bound. She is consistently thinking about her Mom & Dad and has dreams begging to be with them. She's lost all interest in everything and I can't seem to get her uplifted. I feel bad she has come to this, but I also get angry with her when she's this way...which again I have guilt. Not sure what to do anymore....she will watch tv for about 5 minutes then tell me she can't watch that stuff...I cannot sit in her room for hours doing nothing so I do leave her room, do other things and come back to check. I should have said my husband and I live with her to keep her in her home. Any thoughts if this is a sign of her giving up or probably depressed?
https://www.agingcare.com/products/being-mortal-medicine-and-what-matters-in-the-end-433866.htm
Look at this from Moms perspective. She is 96 so most of her friends, if not all, are gone. She has to have some pain and sitting in a wheelchair cannot be comfortable. If she has Dementia she probably realizes something is just not right. And she has a bad heart on top of that so she is probably tired a lot. You may see it as trying to be "uplifting" but she may see it as "please let me be". Be loving. Ask if there is anything you can do? You may want to call Hospice in for an evaluation.
Why do you feel guilty? Because you don't know what to do? I know, its hard but you need to let her do it her way.
It may be Moms time. I believe they know it. My Dad did and he passed a week later in his sleep. You have had Mom longer than most people have had a parent. Be glad for that. Let her go with no regrets.
Pain is exhausting for those suffering with it - emotionally and physically. It probably takes all her strength to do whatever she does these days.
As hard as it is for us, we have to accept that death is a natural progression of life. It will happen.
Try to focus on her comfort and call her PCP to request a hospice evaluation or at least palliative care. Once you’ve made this step & she is accepted, pain relief will be provided for her and she may very well pass away.
Its ok to let your mother go. She’s lived a full life.
My mom loves it outside. If its sunny, I take her OUT.
She was in similar frame of mind in October. She was taken off more meds, my youngest sister came to visit for a weekend from out of state. I think the operative change was minimal sedative meds. We all rotate visiting her at the Home throughout the week. Her sister also helps with that.
Peace! For yourself, always try to maintain a level of normal lifestyle! Your mental health is also vital.
Regardless, I agree with the others who suggest a hospice evaluation. At at this point, Mom’s comfort is the #1 priority.
We all get hung up on our parents “getting better” and “making progress” and “bouncing back from XXXX.” Inevitably, there is an event that negates all that.
Sounds like Mom is there — and Mom has accepted it. Don’t take Mom’s resignation personally.
Forget all the woulds-coulds-shoulds, and focus on love.
Honestly, your mother is transistioning. It's hard to accept and you won't emotionally. But intellectually, you have to try.
Two things to do now: first, consider and call a good hospice provider; second, find a support group for you and possibly your husband.
I know she appreciates my help as she does thank me every single day. I hope once she adjusted a bit to her new surroundings it will be easier for her, and I told her a couple days ago that once she is settled that I may not be able to come everyday that I do need to take care of some of my own business. She seemed to understand.
My father who had Alzheimer’s fractured his leg falling out of bed, he was gone in three weeks. I don’t tell you all this to be cruel I just want you to understand and be prepared for your mom to go join her parents. Broken bones are hard on the elderly. Love to you and your family.
All I can offer is, if she goes to sleep soon, just remind yourself that as painful as it is, at least she is not suffering without quality of life anymore. But I understand your point. Losing a parent you love is something you can never prepare for. The idea of you, if there are any grandbabies, great x2 or any great x3 grandbabies, their grief.
Let me know, and if you want, I will attempt to pray for her healing.
Your mom is ready to leave her broken body behind and be free. She seems to have made peace with it. The longer she is in her current state of being, the longer she suffers. Let her go. We will all have to take that step eventually.
I have depression too and that is what I would want. And yes, I’m taking meds, did years of therapy. It has not helped. I now do yoga, meditation and best of all ‘sensory therapy’ (which I do with mom) if she is up to it.
This is a difficult time for you and your mother both. It sounds as if you love your mother very much and want what is best for her. Kudos to you for that. Obviously she has lived well and been well cared for, or she would not have reached such an advanced age, kudos to you for that as well!
But now things have changed and she is reaching a time of transition. She is, as others here have said, probably in pain, and no longer able to move about as she once could. She sees that her life going forward is not going to be as it has in the past, so she is looking toward other things to anticipate - as you said, being with her loved ones who have gone before her rather than the living. These are probably not sad thoughts for her, although they may be alarming to you.
Her faith or beliefs along these lines may actually be very comforting to her and she may wish to dwell on them rather than on TV episodes, which may seem shallow and inane to her now. Perhaps she would like to take this time to share memories with you. Maybe a video recording of her telling her family stories and life adventures would become a family treasure to share with grandchildren some day. This could become a peaceful, shared time between the two of you as you both move toward acceptance.
Instead of trying to change how she feels, my advice is to try to change the way you feel. Seek grace and serenity to accept and understand that whatever she's feeling is okay and normal. You don't have to make her happy. Just try to keep her comfortable if you can. You're doing fine.
You have received very good, realistic and caring advice here.
I’d just suggest to try a few things to see if they help, One would be a more effective medication for her pain. Her doctor should be able to work with her and you on that.
Secondly, you can try getting her on antidepressants; many people on this site have mentioned that antidepressants have literally changed their loved ones life.
Third, when someone is so deep in the depression hole as your mom seems to be and like my mom has been for a very long time, they tend to reject the idea of going out or basically doing anything outside their self destructive routine which is filled with nothing but sad and negative thoughts. What I’ve learned may work is to engage them in a conversation about something they like to talk about, which in my mom’s case is her previous life, her younger years!
Even if I have heard the story many times before, I listen to her attentively, and laugh if appropriate or seem surprised if there is something that a person listening to the story for the first time would be surprised about.
Without realizing it, she gets into her own story and laughs too, or simply relives a time of her life when she felt she was an independent and very capable woman. Normally she has at least several better hours afterwards a little out of what I call the black and deep hole of depression. Maybe you could try the same, just make sure that your interest is and seems real so she can feel encouraged to talk to you.
Plus, I think that even if we have heard the same stories before, it is a great opportunity to enjoy a moment with your mom.
Lastly, I will advise to you what I am trying to put in practice myself: Put yourself in your mom’s shoes. And then remember how you felt and what you thinked about when you put yourself in your mom’s shoes every time you feel angry, tired or desperate.
Realistically Beev, this is a precious time for you to be with your mom. I know this is very hard, very hard. But it is what it is and we need to come to terms with the reality of our lives. Try to comprehend that every and any feeling or emotion you experience through this is perfectly understandable and explainable. Put your guilt aside, you are doing your best, actually your husband and you are doing your best. These are extremely hard times when you need to learn to treat yourself with as much love and consideration as what you should be treating your mom with.
One step at a time, all is doable, all is possible. :)
So, your mom may be preparing to enter her eternal rest also. It hurts when we get upset but it will happen. We still are searching to see if there was something more we could do. There wasn't. We did what we were able to do and spent time with her every week.
I pray your mom finds peace and so do you.