Last time mom said that Michou (me) send her regards to me. I was so surprised I answered that I was Michou! She laughed and said : you are my first born! (I’m an only child). Later she presented me correctly as her daughter Michou.
Some other time before this when she looked at me she said : I don’t recognize you, you are family, aren’t you?
She doesn’t have good sight. So I thought she didn’t see me correctly. After so many years, my denial is still strong!
At the residence they say to go with the delusion, ok, but how?
Thank you!
(1) When visiting Your Mom always engage at Her level and never stand over Her and talk down on Your Mom. ( If Your Mom is in bed kneel by the bed so You will be at eye level.
(2) Always hold Moms hand and tell Her how much You love Her and that You are so thankful for all Your Mom has done for You.
When You keep doing this Michou Your beautiful Mom will know Who You are instantly. I would never just go along with a delusion as You will bring the greatest Joy back into Your Moms Life.
She's into asking about her mother (or going there/calling her), so we're now into time over 40 years ago! Still mostly able to care for herself, uses a walker, but memories are clearly out of whack!
Now mom recognizes me again, but when her memory will fail again, I’ll remember all of your sharing, advice and experiences and it will be far less dramatic. Because I won’t feel so lonely :You’ll be there, sort of!
Thank you!
One time when I was visiting mom, a staff member was telling another visitor to just 'be in the moment', like her... I wasn't really in the moment, but I understood what she was telling him! So far the only time mom didn't recognize me was in that recent picture my daughter wanted of the three of us.
The hard part for me is that she is partly living in the past and thinks her parents are alive. I'm not about to tell her they are not - it is pointless because it will hurt her AND she won't remember it, so we'd have to tell her over and over, hurting her each time! We just have to have a large repertoire of excuses, explanations, plausible reasons why we can't call or visit, etc.
Well, hopefully things will go well for you, and as you said, when the going is tough, remember we ARE all behind/next to you!! :-)
As difficult as it is, just realizing that it is the disease and not your mom not recognizing you can make it less painful.
My granny would tell me that her daughter never came to visit while said daughter was at the same table. I don't think she knew who I was, I think she thought I was my mom when she was young. She did know that I was someone that loved her and that she was happy to be with, that was all that really mattered in the end.
Just laugh or ignore whatever gets you through the pain. She wouldn't do it on purpose to hurt you, hopefully. (My mom might)
Love her and be someone that she is happy to be with in the moment, knowing that she loves you.
Hugs, this is a rotten disease.
After my daughter got married, after not knowing who she was for a year, my mom asked how Jennifer was doing and if her husband fit into our family okay! I haven't even used her name in most of that time because she didn't know who Jennifer was. She came up with that name on her own when we were talking over the telephone.
My daughter has a two-year-old son now, named Sam. When I talk to my mom and mention Sam's name, she smiles and seems to remember exactly who that is! She has only seen him in person oh, but when I go about once a month to visit her oh, I do show her pictures.
The mind is a mysterious thing!
I would say, "I'm your daughter." He would usually respond with, "It that good?" And I would say, "Well, I think it is." That would be the end of the conversation. It became a ritual on my visits.
I always believed in telling the truth to my father with dementia, right until the end.
I live out of state and have only visited my parents 3 times in the last year and maybe a day or two years apart before that. We normally stay in touch by phone. We don't have a bad relationship, we've just never been that close and I only now realize how time slipped by and how much I regret that.
I visited them for two weeks in January, and except for a terrible minute or two, my 86-year-old mother never recognized me. The terrible part came about the second day of the visit when I realized she didn't know who I am, and I mistakenly tried to make her realize who I am. Unfortunately, I succeeded and then I saw the horrified look on my mother's face and the tears in her eyes when she did recognize me but knew she'd forgotten her only daughter. I immediately hugged her and said it was okay and within another couple of minutes, I had become mom's niece or her sister or her cousin again. I don't want to repeat seeing that pain in her face. My brother tried a couple of times to make her remember me and fortunately it didn't work. She just laughed at him, and I think it was a protective reaction from inside her brain somewhere. I'm okay with that. And I told my brother not to try anymore, please.
Mom has never been diagnosed with any kind of dementia - that we know of. She puts on a great show for medical people, but she did have a minor stroke last October and my brother says she's lost a lot of ground since then. In addition, she can't see very well now. My father takes her to doctor appointments, but he may or may not be wearing his hearing aids and he probably doesn't understand the doctor when he can hear him.
My brother and I are sure she has some type of dementia. She's fairly sharp from about 11:00 am to 3:00 pm. She goes downhill fast after that. We have to put eating utensils into her hand the way she needs to hold it. If we don't, she turns it around and around trying to figure out what to do with it. She wanders through the house looking for the bathroom, or she starts to go outside thinking that's the bathroom. And the list goes on. (We're not worried yet about the wandering part - she has terrible balance problems and we're worrying mostly about falls.)
So this situation has hit us very fast, probably noticeably surfacing only in the last year. Finally, I'm getting to a question I have. She doesn't recognize me and I can handle that, but what do I say when she asks questions like "How are your mom and dad doing?" She asked me this type of question a few times, and I did say quickly "Well, that would be you and dad, so I guess you're okay" and moved as quickly as I could to something as lame as "I'm getting some juice, would you like some juice?" Does anyone out there have a better response than my lame one?
There's no need to trying to correct or make her understand who you are/ More often than not it will make no difference (however the attempt at correction or clarification can make things worse.)
First, I never, ever point it out because it will only frustrate Mom more. I never say "You know who I am, Mom"or "You should know who I am!", and I don't correct her and say "That's not my name, I'm ____."
I also don't ask her to identify me...that initiates frustration in her because she can't recall, and it makes me feel badly because I want so desperately for her to call my name again!
My father and I have decided to be "whoever Mom sees us as" for the visit that day. If she talks to me as if I'm a friend or calls me another name, I don't correct her. I simply, as others have written, "go with the flow". Sometimes she ask's Dad if he has seen her husband, and Dad just says "yes, I will let him know you asked about him".
By doing this, both Dad and I occasionally get a priceless moment during a visit when we hear her call us by our names or say "You are my daughter/ husband".
Everyone's progression will be different, but many experience similar paths. For the first 9 months in MC, mom harped on younger brother to bring her back to her condo. Once when I showed up to visit, she says Oh funny you showed up, I'm going to ask him to bring me home when he comes tonight.... I gave him a head's up, but he wasn't even going to visit that day! Even odder is that somewhere in that tangling mess she knew better (and still does) than to ask ME to bring her home!
I am the one (of 3) who visits the most, so for the most part she still knows me and knows of the brothers. Her perception of them (and my daughter) fluctuates. She enjoys pictures of my son's little boy, but never remembers who's kid he is. When I brought Xmas cards to sign, she didn't know who younger brother's daughters were. When I said those are his girls, she interpreted that as girlfriends, I think. I asked their mother to send recent pics (they are not together), it did bring a little back. Out of sight, out of mind. He is 10 yrs younger so his kids are much younger than mine, but lived close enough that she doted on them for many years! One brother isn't local and based on his last "visit" he won't be back. The other maybe visits once in a while. Pictures can be helpful, but memories will slip away over time. I do try to mention other family members and show pictures (she was still remembering my older brother's daughter.) Eventually I expect her to forget us, but for now we're still there a bit. She has regressed to thinking her parents are alive and often asks us to call her or asks me to take her there or if I see her at all. Last time I just said she went to FL for the winter. She thought about that for a minute or so. I was expecting perhaps anger that they didn't ask her to go, but fortunately she processed it and said well, yes, they used to do that. Phew! Reserving visiting the Canadian relatives for summertime! She does still remember them and our visits there and they visited on their way home last year.
When I showed her a pic my daughter had staff take of us all during a recent visit, she asked who those "girls" were (me and daughter.) Another time when she looked at the pic, she asked if that was Nana in the middle, meaning HER mother, so she didn't even recognize herself! Self perception is definitely an issue for mom, as when I bring new (bigger) clothes, she doesn't look at the item, just the size tag and states that this is a large, too big as she wears medium!!! Not anymore mom, too many ice cream bars for dessert!!! The last ones I cut the tags out and just put them in the closet.
So, basically you have to 'go with the flow.' While it may hurt that she doesn't always recognize you for who you really are, you know it isn't because she wants to forget you. It can also be distressing if she relates negative things about you thinking you are someone else, but again, she can't control that. I only had one instance of that, early on over the phone (regarding taking her car away) where she thought I was my SIL. Hang on to the good times (past or present) and let the rest slide. It is such a sad thing, but mom is the last family member of her generation and got over 90 years before this started. I feel so bad for those who start down this path much younger (there are at least 2 in mom's MC who are only early 60s.) It is like stealing 20-30 years of life away. My sympathies to them and their family for this loss.
To just go with the flow is easiest. Gets hard when I respond as different person from who he thought he was addressing. God bless
Arguing with your mother would only cause her confusion and pain, so always just try to go with whatever her reality is at the time, and remind her how much you love her.
your insights are helpful but no more that your desire to help me. And I could say that to those of the previous answers. It is so comforting to know you’re there willing to help and comfort.
Now mom recognized me as usual. That is the worse or a blessing that her decline is inup and down and completely unpredictable. So I began to get used to an attitude and she came back from it and later fell again...
Yes, I enter in her delusion, but I find it difficult when she talks about me ... to me! :-)
Yes, it is depressing and I’m in depression because too many sad things or difficult ones happened in the same time for a very long time ( counting in years), so all of my strenghts have been completely depleted and I’m fighting to regain some of them to taste the good taste of life again.
So thank you all for your helpful heart: much appreciated!
My older daughter is “her daughter”, my sister( her daughter ) is my long dead aunt, my husband is her stepson, dead husband, maintenance guy, occasionally my brother. I’m nobody, she knows my name but can’t place it with my husband or kids lol.
With dementia is seems once it’s gone it’s not coming back consistently.