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She has no idea she is declining. She's not bad enough to need a home or for us to get a court involved or anything, but this will put Dad in serious danger. He doesn't like the idea of her handling his meds, but doesn't think anything can be done to stop her. She spends hours trying to read the paperwork from the pharmacy, but can't understand it. She just thinks it's too dangerous for anyone else to be distributing.

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Audioman, following up on Beatty's suggestion for a better plan and your statement that mom is not so bad "yet"...BOTH your parents have progressive diseases and mom doesn't acknowledge her limitations

From the collective wisdom here, your parents are one fall, one misstep away from a disaster. Right now, you are all propping up a stool with two legs.

Starting looking at facilities near you now--rehabs with NHs, MC and AL on the same campus. Make a list if the ones that are acceptable.

Trust me, it is awful to have to run around looking at facilites when you have one parent injured and undergoing surgery at a hospital and another at home needing care and supervision.
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Your dad is his own decision maker. He can hire a service to fill an electronic pill dispenser.

Have you sought a "needs assesment" by the local Area Agency on Aging?

Mom can demand all she wants. Ultimately, Dad is in charge of his own life. Does mom become verbally or physically abusive when crossed?
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AudioMan Apr 2021
Verbally abusive, yes. Dad has a heart condition and cancer, so he's pretty much immobile. He needs someone to bring him his pills. The electronic pill dispenser idea might have merit. Thank you.

Not sure what a needs assessment or an Area Agency on Aging are. Six months into this caregiver thing, and I'm still getting the hang of it.
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Do your parents live alone? If so, not to sound alarmist or anything, this is a disaster waiting to happen. Your father's medication should lock up where mom can't get at it.

If your parents are still in their own home, in home help should be hired for them (using their money); or they should consider moving into a facility where responsible staff distributes meds.

Needs assessment is pretty much what it sounds like. Usually a social worker assesses your parents to determine what services each need. Most states and counties have resources to assist the elderly. Start with the local county where your parents live - ask them to direct you to social services.

In addition, if not already done, before your mother is declared incompetent, someone should have a durable powers of attorney (one for each parent) for medical and financial so that someone can act on their behalf when it become necessary.

Also, if not already done, you should know what your parents' wishes are long term. You didn't give a lot of information regarding your parents' ages. You said your father has heart issues and cancer and that he is immobile. Do you know what medical treatments he wants, does he want medical treatment? If something happens to either parent and their heart stops, do they want to be revived? This site is a good resource and you can find answers and get advise - both good and not so good depending on your viewpoint.

Good luck.
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Assuming he has no cognitive or memory issues himself, order his meds through www.pillpack.com and have him hide them where she can't find them so he can take them correctly himself. If you live local to them, have the orders go to your house or a neighbor's. If she wonders where the pills went tell her a "therapeutic fib" that will put her off the trail.
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Thank you everyone for your help. I do live with my parents for just these reasons. Mom seems to be relenting and letting my brother continue to administer the pills. I'll see what can be done about paperwork in the future. Crisis seems to be over, thank God!
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Geaton777 Apr 2021
The trouble-shooting never ends because dementia is constantly changing our LOs and their behaviors. I highly recommend you watch some of Teepa Snow's videos on YouTube. She's a dementia expert and you'll learn things to help you with preemptive strategies as you care for your parents.
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Dad needs to try to verbally stand up for himself. I like the above ideas about how to keep mom's hands off his pills. Sounds like she can't be trusted. Therapeutic fibs can be very helpful. Figure one out. "The doctor says this is how we have to do it."
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Re: Needs Assessment and Area Agency on Aging.

Your county has an office of aging, senior affairs or something like that. Google is your friend here.

Once you find them, make contact and sign your folks up for "case management" services and a "needs assessment". They will send someone out (usually a social worker ir nurse) to assess the level of care an elder needs.

They can also advise on eligibility for grants, entitlements and respite. At least in my area, there are waiting lists for these services, so get them on a list now so that they are in the process before the next crisis hits.
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Beatty Apr 2021
The waitlist is long where I live too. Often lowest level services are approved while waitlisted - which is better than nothing... but if unable to cope at home, hospital treatment is likely, then if unsafe to go home, transfer to any available respite bed, then often permanent NH bed. If lucky, somewhat close to their area.

I'd much rather have a better plan than that if possible.
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The automatic pill box worked well for my mom & dad. Didn't have to think - just see the blinking light, the open cup, & take the meds! Some companies will even fill them for you - for a fee.

I tried hiring outside help, but my folks seemed to think they had to "entertain" them. I think this came from their generation. So that didn't work out. Eventually moved them to AL which was the best option. And an elder law attorney can be a godsend.
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Most people with dementia are not aware they have any cognitive decline. I highly suggest you hire a elder law attorney to gain guardianship of your father. This is pretty much one way to protect him.
BEST wishes
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Sounds like Mom has trust in brother & AudioMan - good!

The pill issue is thankfully resolving... but is just one of the multitude of coming issues. Dementia comes with many surprises!

While it may seem having two adults on-site or nearby (maybe even more?) overseeing & caregiving is adequate, I would get busy planning my next steps now.
I would arrange that needs assessment asap. Get some home health aides in the door so that Mom & Dad get used to extra help BEFORE the next crises hits.

As I'm sure you sadly know, heart, cancer & dementia are all progressive. Maybe you wish to keep them in their home as long as possible? I get that.

There are many families in crises because 24 hr supervision or care became necessary before extra supports were in place.
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