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She denies how often she gets up, yells my name, drinks tea, wants water, loses her emery board, can’t find her Kleenex. Don’t get me started on the fixation with her bedcovers being straightened. All. Day. Long.



she denies she pooped in her commode, picked it up, put in her depends and went to restroom to drop in toilet. Thank god I caught her before she flushed



She broke the door off hinges in her room (sliding/pocket door). She denies standing banging/rattling door handles (baby safety knobs) even when I’m standing there



she denies she spills water, lies about trying to hide things she’s tried to “help”, denies she sleeps & naps all day





this all would be fine, but she has become demanding, requires immediate responses and help within seconds. She won’t wear her hearing aids anymore. She’s destroying my home, falling, causing so much anxiety. I’m a German Shepherd, always on alert. Always.



she is final stage kidney failure, here at my home, with hospice 2x week



any suggestions to get her to accept her limits? She says she does, nods, agrees, lots of “I know” but she just doesn’t seem willing to acknowledge she, SHE, this previously proud, clean, smart woman could possibly becoming incontinent, cannot remember things, cannot take care of herself. She thinks she can function, when she can barely walk a few steps and hardly hold a glass of water



She is dying. She knows it. But accepting the reality of what that means and the loss of dignity seems to be the biggest roadblock right now.



I’m just tired. No sleep. Pins and needles and resentment. And sadness. It’s hard. :(

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I suggest you stop asking her to "accept the reality" on your terms. She can't even conceive reality in the way you expect her to. She needs continual support with all day to day functions. Get help.
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This sounds really hard. For both of you, but mostly you since your mom's grip on reality appears to be pretty much gone. I think it would be best if you, very quickly, come to terms with the fact that her brain is broken and does not remember virtually anything from the sounds of it. You do not need her to admit anything. You know the truth and that's all that matters. Really, she obviously just can not understand the situation and you will both be less stressed if you don't expect her to.

You need some help ASAP. This level of care is much too much for one person. I'm curious - from your profile, she was in AL, but now she lives with you. For how long? Did she run out of money or her condition deteriorated beyond AL capabilities?

Anyhow, you need caregivers. I would also talk to hospice about something to calm her down a little bit. Sounds to me like she's anxious and that can not feel good to her. I think it would be very helpful to both of you.

I hope you find some relief.
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MichiganToOhio Feb 2023
She’s in her last weeks, maybe months

she is on meds from hospice for pain and anxiety, with increased dosage at bedtime to help as sundowning was becoming evident.

she is little trouble, yet. I am exploring overnight help if it progresses more during the night.

it’s just clear the last few days she cannot accept certain aspects of her situation. And they all are relative to self respect, and refusal to acknowledge it at this point. How dare anyone think she could possibly touch her own poo.
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I'm guessing you took your mom out of the assisted living facility and brought her to your home huh?
She is wearing you out. She's the one who is dying, but it may be you who beats her to the punch if you're not careful. Caregivers have a 63% higher mortality rate than non caregivers, and 40% of caregivers caring for someone with dementia will die before the on being cared for from the stress. Those statistics are real and very scary.
You need more hands on help with your mom. Please hire some ASAP(with moms money)so you can get some proper rest, so you don't become one of the statistics.
And whether it's the medication or dementia, your moms brain is no longer thinking straight and there's nothing you can do about that, so quit wanting her to be like her "before sickness" self. She can't be that person hard as she may try and the sooner you can accept that the easier it will be for you.
It's hard, many of us know that, but when dealing with a broken brain, we all have to learn to choose our battles wisely. And a lot of what you have described isn't really worth fighting over.
Keep in mind too that when the time draws closer to her dying you can have her transferred to the hospice home where they will look after her 24/7 and if she passes within the week Medicare will cover it 100%. If she would have to be there longer than a week, it then rolls over to private pay.
Please start taking care of yourself, as you are beyond the burnt out point and I'm sure if your mom was well, she wouldn't want you killing yourself over her.
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IMO the one who needs to accept her limits is you, this is what dementia IS!
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Sounds like dementia symptoms exacerbated by her kidney failure . Mom will never be reasonable or lucid as her brain is poisoned with the toxins of metabolism waste that her kidneys can’t excrete anymore . Eventually she will not have this energy . But in the meantime she’s taking you along with her towards death . You need to stop taking care of her to save your own health .

Put her in Hospice at a facility where you can visit her and they can achieve a more constant result in medicating her and keep her more relaxed and comfortable . Some can not or will
not die peacefully with their child bearing witness 24/7 to them dying .
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There's a lot of things a person with dementia is leery to accept. It's chaos in their minds they're dealing with plus your mother is dealing with death staring her in the face. If she wants to maintain her dignity by saying she'd never touch poop, then fine why insist she admit such a thing to further upset her? You don't argue with dementia anyway, first and foremost.


No suggestions to get your mother to accept her limits. That ship sailed with the dementia dx. With this limited time left for her I'd let her be. Hire some help to relieve you and allow you some private time.

I'm sorry you're going thru this. Best wishes moving forward
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Michigan
You aren’t able to handle your moms illness along with her prognosis. Tell your doctor what is going on. See a therapist. Hire help. Go for walks, Sit in a park. Do something to soothe yourself. Sometimes we feel that help will be too much trouble, that we can do what needs to be done easily enough but obviously YOU need help. This is hard. Very hard. I am glad you came here to vent but now take some action and call an agency and just try getting some help in. Don’t try to manage the care of your dying and demented mother without rest, hydration, good nutrition and help. Hugs
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Please don’t keep trying to have her admit or accept anything. It’s not possible anymore and only frustrating you both. Your mother clearly needs more help than you can provide, not that you aren’t doing your best, it’s simply too much for any one person around the clock. I hope you’ll look into options for more help soon
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MichiganToOhio: You got the comments that caregivers frequently go before the people they care for.....also your health may or may not improve after she is gone. Please get some help now, take some of the stress off, and look after your own health as much as you can.

My stepmother passed before my dad who had dementia...she was 8 years younger. The stress of taking care of him had her abandoning any healthy eating, and she ballooned up to over 300 pounds, got some form of dementia herself (and/or finally just gave up due to the stress) and finally passed after her gastric bypass ripped and she got sepsis.

Looking after my dad, even "from a distance" last year when she was gone, I too abandoned my healthy eathing and exercise and gained 30 pounds. He refused to go to a home for the longest time...it was a 3 hour (one way) commute to his place for me. When I wasn't at his home, I was making countless phone calls on his behalf and arguing with him over the phone ("I remember what I want to" was his mantra). Between that and a 50-60 hour a week job and a husband was way too much. When finally his best friend admitted defeat looking after him (there literally WERE no local services as he lived in timbuktu), he finally agreed for me to move him into an adult family home.

There is a book called the 36 hour day. It's called that for a reason. PLEASE get some help for your own sake immediately. You can not give up your future for her present.
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I'll tell you what, it's not that difficult to unseat a pocket door. And it sounds like your mother is a busy little bee. But in all kindness, and to be honest with you, it doesn't sound like it's your mother who's having difficulty comprehending what situation you are currently in. Getting your mother to admit the things that she's done and getting her to comprehend what she can or cannot do suggest that you think that she will remember or learn or change in the future. It's as though you have a two-year-old on your hands, and you expect that she is going to learn. That's where the misunderstanding or lack of comprehension lies. All that your mother has learned has gone away. She will not be learning new things. What you need to do is to learn to accept that. This is an extremely trying time in your life, and it is going to unfold precisely as it unfolds. You have to find a way to enjoy what you could enjoy in it and rack your mother's failures up to the disease process, rather than putting those things on your mother. Or yourself.
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