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I can’t believe it and yet I can. In a matter of weeks my dad has moved on. My mom is still alive, still present. She is at the hospice house getting respite care and my dad is in an AL and has already made a g/f.
It's not unusual for people in assisted living (especially if they have dementia) to make new friends (sometimes inappropriately). If you can, take him to visit your mother in hospice as much as he (and you) are able to do. If these visits are not helpful, just let it go and let him do what he wants to do. You will still be there for your mother, and if she asks about him, tell her that he is not able to visit due to his health, but that he loves her.
Hi, if I share a piece of my heart, with hopes you find peace in yours too. We are from a traditional christian family, but broken in many ways due to ego , habits, bad behaviour, selfishness within the family unit. I stop talking to my parents because I was so dissapointed that they themselves didnt live to the teaching of our faith, unlike my other relatives and friends. But now, an adult in my 40s, with one parent bedridden at home, and the other away in a nursing home, I wonder whats the meaning to all this. I realise we all come with character flaws that SHOULD be willingly fixed in order to live in a family/community setting...but what do we do when a LO refuses to do so? Instead of hoping they will change, i start to give them the benefit of doubt. Tinking that they are hurting/coping in someways thru that behaviour that has become natural to them. I dont expect them to change anymore. instead, i limit my interaction with them. I still do for my parents, still care for them, but i condition my own heart,,,,
I wonder if you might be confusing a "ladyfriend" with a "girlfriend?" I wonder if you might have noticed some distance between your Mom and you Dad over time before your Mom was taken into hospice. It is often observed by psychologists that men in general "move on" as you say more quickly than women. They have little taste for being "alone" and love having a partner. I wonder if you feel able to discuss your hurt feelings with him? I hope so. You can only gain in getting his own perspective. I recognize that this must be truly hurtful to you, and am so sorry for that pain.
It may that your parents had an 'empty nest' type of marriage for years and that they had moved on from one another emotionally a long time ago, staying together only through life long habit and comfort. That is the underlying reality of many long term marriages and may be what your parents' has been, without your knowledge.
I can imagine that this is gut-wrenchingly hard on you, to have your mom in Hospice while your dad is moving on and finding solace in a new GF. Take comfort in the fact that you can focus solely on your mom's needs and let you dad do as he will. Understand that widowers are prime targets in AL and in the aged community in general, simply due to statistics on longevity between the genders. He may be in a deep depression and easy prey for the attention he's receiving from this woman. Try to be forgiving.
In your position, I'd take a good look at the estate planning done by your parents and if you're named as POA, talk to an attorney. You may be able to have their Wills filed in the probate court or take other actions to ensure that dad's new GF cannot work her way into the line of inheritance. Make sure that former planning is not changed and this may require having a competency eval done for him so that later changes can be challenged. Just in case.
Love you dad but focus on your mom and be there for her needs. Try to ascertain their inheritance plans and talk to mom about her wishes. I can't begin to know how you would breach the topic of a new GF with her. Avoid it if possible.
I'm sorry for what you're going through. I hope that while being there for both of your parents, you find that this is just a passing thing for your dad. Make mom your primary focus while keeping one eye on your father and this new GF.
I don’t know your Dad’s cognitive situation, but if his grief pushed him headfirst into a debilitating near fatal depression (this happened in our family) your problems might seem compounded.
There doesn’t seem to be much to be thankful for when a parent is in hospice.
Be thankful that your dad is occupied and in a place where he can get assistance so you can focus 100% on your mom.
if there is someone around to make your dad feel happy, be thankful that he is happy. Be thankful that you aren’t responsible for making him happy when you are emotionally drained.
I’m sorry that you have to experience these two strange emotional situations simultaneously.
This is.....difficult to sort through. My Mom had been slowly dying for 5 years now. I can only imagine that before she died this week. It must have been a VERY long time since my Dad had true companionship.
The last 5 years of my parents' marriage was the definition of for better or for worse.
That being said. I can't see myself stopping my father from finding companionship now. Even if it hurts my feelings.
My father is 72, still drives and is for the most part still quite independent. He has no limiting health conditions.
My father had many aspirations of enjoying retirement with my Mom...that all went up in smoke when her quickly declining Parkinson's began. Her disease was quite agressive. It only took 5 years for my mother to go from an independent fully functioning adult to a bedridden mess. My mother has been basically home bound for near 3 years before she died.
We are still planning the funeral but...I'm just saying....my father's father lived to be 98.
I won't guilt my father into spending the next 20 years of his life alone.
....even if I personally hate the idea of another woman on my Dad's arm after Mom's death.
That’s very hard for you, as although your dads brain has changed due to age etc. and he may not understand the hurt his actions cause you, it still feels disrespectful to you that he can’t wait until your mum/ his wife passes. I’d feel a bit weird about the situation if this happened to my family also. My dad didn’t visit my mum once in her care home (alzheimer) It was like she didn’t exist. Sometimes things are too painful for a spouse to deal with. The person they married died before their actual death. The decline of our parents can be a painful thing for any child to witness.
AlcyoneSong: Receiving hospice care and respite care is a tad confusing. I'll assume that while your mother is very ill AND under hospice care, your father perhaps is the recipient of the respite care. It is not my call to make in regard to his actions.
Ll, when you are on hospice, they offer what they call respite in their hospice house. It is typically 5 days and could be longer depending on the situation.
It is a service that Medicare pays for as part if hospuce and I am sure it is to give everyone a break.
So you’re free to do what feels right to you. I would visit mom regularly and take care of whatever business your mom needs help with. Take care if yourself!
Your Dad's been caregiving a long time. We all need companionship. Mom's being taken care of... Let Dad have a little happiness with whatever time he has left. Yes, your emotional upset is understood. Put aside your feelings and consider his needs, and that he was able to take an action to do something for himself. Hopefully he isn't being preyed upon but nurtured, that would be a bigger concern for the sake of his protection, which should trump your upset. You can and should stay committed to your personal value system, and live authentically to those values though Dad's behavior may be upsetting. If he isn't physically breaking the law, or the bank, or physically hurting himself or other's, let him be happy.
May I ask if your father and mother had a loving relationship before she became sick? Let me add, my own experience with husbands, mine to be exact. I have heart disease, other health problems, and he is very healthy. I have no doubt at all that he will be glad when I die. He keeps in touch with his old girl friends now by email /social media. He has told me he would not be alone. So, depends on what their relationship was, and his need for a woman. Some men think they are still young, are sexually not dead. Hope your father is not like my husband. Just saying its possible . Sorry about your mother, may she feel loved by you and others. And, live as best she can in peace. Sending hugs
Unfortunately, your dad's love and belonging needs have probably been unmet for an extended time. He has made friends with a nice woman who is helping to meet his needs. Ideally, he should wait to "date" until he is single again but this is not the case.
Best thing you can do is make sure to visit your mom. Encourage your dad to visit your mom regularly - a couple of times during the week - and help him to continue to support his wife's need of his support and companionship.
Could it be gossip? Often remarks are made “is that your GIRLFRIEND” in a snarky way at the least interaction between male and female. Every move watched and analyzed for signs of “romance”. Often the attention may not mutual(?)
Confer with your father's physician to assess his cognitive status for decisions. He could be vulnerable to others ( g/f) advances, persuasions etc. Or, he could be displacing onto this relationship g/f his grief, loneliness, anger or need for attention w/ o your mother's ability to provide attention . Or, perhaps there have been long term relationship failures between him and your mother that are now surfacing. In other words his denial, " moving on" behaviors could be caused by many many factors. Speak with the facility and his physician and his clergy ( if he has one) or a facility Chaplain or perhaps a social worker for your support as well as guidance with your father. Be sure legal POA is assigned to you ! And other legal affairs in order to protect you, your mother and your father. Peace.
Yes, except it's my mother. My father died and my mom had a BF in about 2 months time...and I KNOW he is a widow shopper....He won't let me see my mother...I think she may have changed her will...he is Super manipulative...I have his text messages back and forth, He made one statement that really really really is freaking me out.."You are smart, but you will not win"....What the heck is that??? I don't know what to do...
Perhaps dad’s brain is not functioning correctly. Perhaps he is unaware of what he’s saying or doing. Heck, if you ask him his age, he may answer “25”. As we get older, our logic and understanding can start to slip. Your father may be entering that phase in life.
Hi, I'm sorry to hear this and what a horrible situation for you to be in, and have to witness this. Do you have any support for yourself (e.g. siblings, counsellor or close friends) to help you, as this must be very difficult for you. Perhaps even talking to a professional (like a lawyer) or a doctor about this situation might help you or they could offer helpful suggestions?
Does your mother understand things and do you think you could possibly talk to her about her husband's behaviour? I'm not sure how unwell she is (obviously don't mention it or upset her if she is very sick), but maybe she could speak to a family lawyer and consider a divorce if her husband is having an affair?
If your dad is in AL, could you get the doctors there to run cognitive tests and check his competency? Maybe let the nurses there know that he is not well and you are worried about him so they can keep an extra eye out for him. I would be quite concerned about your father making or signing any legal documents (like a new Will leaving everything to the new woman). Can you, or someone in your family, perhaps try to get power of attorney?
I really hope you have some support systems, as things like this are very hard on children to witness; watching parents make stupid mistakes and the children feel helpless (my parents made lots of errors of judgement and caused us children lots of pain). Feel free to private message me anytime if you want to talk. sending hugs to you
If Mom has moved to a Hospice facility something is bringing her to the end of her life, I do t think I would bring her into this especially since she likely doesn’t have time for divorce procedures. But I agree 100% about making sure paperwork is in order and since Mom has all of her faculties involving her with her husband in getting everything in order (assuming they aren’t) for her eventual passing would be very smart and it would re-engage him as well.
My father was a big flirt and I remember my mother getting very protective of any female helpers in my fathers rehab.
One of the reasons my mother was so cautious, was due to their previous neighbor (Don) who was very ill. He had in home care and the wife (Louise) would be working and leave the nurse and Don home all day. One day Don left Louise for the nurse, and he signed all his money to the nurse. Louise had to rent part of her house out to a student just to keep the home.
Lizzy, did your neighbors wife file a complaint against this nurse? This is such blatant elder abuse that "nurse" should have lost her license and gone to prison.
This is definitely a wake up call that finances need to be protected from scumbag "professionals" and everybody else too.
What do you mean, "Mom is at the hospice house getting respite care"? Such a situation means that she's there for a very short period of time (like 5 days) in order to give your DAD a respite break from his caregiving duties, since she's terminally ill. Since she'll be back home shortly, what does dad plan to do with his new 'girlfriend' when she does get back and he resumes his caregiver duties??
This new 'girlfriend' is likely a short term thing while mom is gone, that's my call. But according to your past posts, your mom has been sick for the past 20 years, so dad probably will want to move on once she passes. I agree with you that it's inappropriate for him to be acting this way while mom is out of sight and apparently out of mind..........:( and I'm sorry you're getting hit with a double whammy here. You don't say if dad suffers from dementia? If he does, then his mind is not working clearly enough for him to realize his actions are inappropriate. Many men with dementia/Alzheimer's develop a very strong sexual urge, which can override everything else in their life. #Truth. If you find that your father is behaving in such a manner, please contact his PCP b/c there are medications available for what's known as ISB or Inappropriate Sexual Behavior. Not to say that's the case with dad, but just on the off chance it is, I wanted to throw that out there.
Wishing you the best of luck with all you have on your plate. Sending you a hug too, and a prayer for peace.
I can understand how hurtful this must be for you. That said, there are a wide range of reasons for this to happen that may or may not include: 1. Your father's brain is changing and his awareness of his behavior is lacking 2. Your father is grieving and we don't always grief appropriately. 3. Your father may have stumbled upon a predator in the AL who is driving this behavior. 4. (I offer this gently) Maybe this isn't a new relationship or a new pattern for your father, just new to you.
I would tend to suggest that you do your best to stay focused on your mom for your own sense of closure with her. Be prepared with your personal boundaries about when and how the other woman enters your life. And, give yourself time to circle back to analyzing and identifying what is going on with your father later.
My mom always searched for BFs while in MC. Her mind was broken. She no longer could recognize if a potential BF had a wife. It is quite common in facilities. Since you are asking, you may just have to find ways to overlook his behavior. You do not mention if your dad has cognitive problems. If so then he will not be able to marry because you will be ready to legally object. You can find comfort in that. Just dont scold to protect his dignity.
Don’t take it too seriously. It’s nice that he’s found someone who can be his friend there. If mom has been sick, he’s probably been lonely for a long time. This doesn’t mean he’s going to elope or anything. It only means that he’s found a way to meet his emotional needs, and he may have a longer life because of it.
There's a reason the villages in florida has an abnormally high rate of STDs among the seniors there. You have seniors with herpes or other STDs spreading that like wildfire there. Its like the geriatric wild wild west.
And its pretty pathetic that your dad has a girlfriend when his wife is in the process of dying. I wonder how yecwould feel if this situation was reversed. I would stop visiting dad right now and focus on mom. If he's capable of having a girlfriend let her assist him with things he needs.
How long has your mom required a high level of care (I am assuming that Hospice is due to a long term illness, or simply aging)?
Not to be rude, but I could see my DH doing this. He doesn't 'adult' well and needs me for far more than he realizes. Maybe dad is just afraid of being alone and is making sure he ISN'T. I have heard of this exact situation many times.
Also, single men to single women ratio is vastly unequal. When mom would go to the Sr Center she told me that there were 2-3 men for every 10 women. These men were usually married, but the single ones were like bees to honey. The ladies there were practically coming to blows over the one or two single men.
It probably makes you feel bad--and I would too, if I were in your situation, but I also know of the need that people have to simply have a connection with someone. Doesn't mean he doesn't/didn't love your mom. Just, probably, he's pre-grieving and kind of jumping the gun on it.
Is your mom aware of this situation? I wouldn't say anything to her, if she's not cognizant. I'd probably be a little miffed at my dad, but I'd talk to him and let him know how I felt, then I'd let it go.
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We are from a traditional christian family, but broken in many ways due to ego , habits, bad behaviour, selfishness within the family unit. I stop talking to my parents because I was so dissapointed that they themselves didnt live to the teaching of our faith, unlike my other relatives and friends. But now, an adult in my 40s, with one parent bedridden at home, and the other away in a nursing home, I wonder whats the meaning to all this. I realise we all come with character flaws that SHOULD be willingly fixed in order to live in a family/community setting...but what do we do when a LO refuses to do so?
Instead of hoping they will change, i start to give them the benefit of doubt. Tinking that they are hurting/coping in someways thru that behaviour that has become natural to them. I dont expect them to change anymore. instead, i limit my interaction with them. I still do for my parents, still care for them, but i condition my own heart,,,,
I wonder if you feel able to discuss your hurt feelings with him? I hope so. You can only gain in getting his own perspective. I recognize that this must be truly hurtful to you, and am so sorry for that pain.
It may that your parents had an 'empty nest' type of marriage for years and that they had moved on from one another emotionally a long time ago, staying together only through life long habit and comfort. That is the underlying reality of many long term marriages and may be what your parents' has been, without your knowledge.
I can imagine that this is gut-wrenchingly hard on you, to have your mom in Hospice while your dad is moving on and finding solace in a new GF. Take comfort in the fact that you can focus solely on your mom's needs and let you dad do as he will. Understand that widowers are prime targets in AL and in the aged community in general, simply due to statistics on longevity between the genders. He may be in a deep depression and easy prey for the attention he's receiving from this woman. Try to be forgiving.
In your position, I'd take a good look at the estate planning done by your parents and if you're named as POA, talk to an attorney. You may be able to have their Wills filed in the probate court or take other actions to ensure that dad's new GF cannot work her way into the line of inheritance. Make sure that former planning is not changed and this may require having a competency eval done for him so that later changes can be challenged. Just in case.
Love you dad but focus on your mom and be there for her needs. Try to ascertain their inheritance plans and talk to mom about her wishes. I can't begin to know how you would breach the topic of a new GF with her. Avoid it if possible.
I'm sorry for what you're going through. I hope that while being there for both of your parents, you find that this is just a passing thing for your dad. Make mom your primary focus while keeping one eye on your father and this new GF.
I don’t know your Dad’s cognitive situation, but if his grief pushed him headfirst into a debilitating near fatal depression (this happened in our family) your problems might seem compounded.
There doesn’t seem to be much to be thankful for when a parent is in hospice.
Be thankful that your dad is occupied and in a place where he can get assistance so you can focus 100% on your mom.
if there is someone around to make your dad feel happy, be thankful that he is happy. Be thankful that you aren’t responsible for making him happy when you are emotionally drained.
I’m sorry that you have to experience these two strange emotional situations simultaneously.
Take a few hours for yourself everyday.
My Mom had been slowly dying for 5 years now. I can only imagine that before she died this week. It must have been a VERY long time since my Dad had true companionship.
The last 5 years of my parents' marriage was the definition of for better or for worse.
That being said. I can't see myself stopping my father from finding companionship now. Even if it hurts my feelings.
My father is 72, still drives and is for the most part still quite independent. He has no limiting health conditions.
My father had many aspirations of enjoying retirement with my Mom...that all went up in smoke when her quickly declining Parkinson's began. Her disease was quite agressive. It only took 5 years for my mother to go from an independent fully functioning adult to a bedridden mess. My mother has been basically home bound for near 3 years before she died.
We are still planning the funeral but...I'm just saying....my father's father lived to be 98.
I won't guilt my father into spending the next 20 years of his life alone.
....even if I personally hate the idea of another woman on my Dad's arm after Mom's death.
It was like she didn’t exist. Sometimes things are too painful for a spouse to deal with. The person they married died before their actual death. The decline of our parents can be a painful thing for any child to witness.
It is a service that Medicare pays for as part if hospuce and I am sure it is to give everyone a break.
I have heart disease, other health problems, and he is very healthy. I have no doubt at all that he will be glad when I die. He keeps in touch with his old girl friends now by email /social media. He has told me he would not be alone. So, depends on what their relationship was, and his need for a woman. Some men think they are still young, are sexually not dead. Hope your father is not like my husband. Just saying its possible . Sorry about your mother, may she feel loved by you and others. And, live as best she can in peace. Sending hugs
Best thing you can do is make sure to visit your mom. Encourage your dad to visit your mom regularly - a couple of times during the week - and help him to continue to support his wife's need of his support and companionship.
Or, perhaps there have been long term relationship failures between him and your mother that are now surfacing. In other words his denial, " moving on" behaviors could be caused by many many factors.
Speak with the facility and his physician and his clergy ( if he has one) or a facility Chaplain or perhaps a social worker for your support as well as guidance with your father.
Be sure legal POA is assigned to you ! And other legal affairs in order to protect you, your mother and your father. Peace.
Does your mother understand things and do you think you could possibly talk to her about her husband's behaviour? I'm not sure how unwell she is (obviously don't mention it or upset her if she is very sick), but maybe she could speak to a family lawyer and consider a divorce if her husband is having an affair?
If your dad is in AL, could you get the doctors there to run cognitive tests and check his competency? Maybe let the nurses there know that he is not well and you are worried about him so they can keep an extra eye out for him. I would be quite concerned about your father making or signing any legal documents (like a new Will leaving everything to the new woman). Can you, or someone in your family, perhaps try to get power of attorney?
I really hope you have some support systems, as things like this are very hard on children to witness; watching parents make stupid mistakes and the children feel helpless (my parents made lots of errors of judgement and caused us children lots of pain). Feel free to private message me anytime if you want to talk. sending hugs to you
One of the reasons my mother was so cautious, was due to their previous neighbor (Don) who was very ill. He had in home care and the wife (Louise) would be working and leave the nurse and Don home all day. One day Don left Louise for the nurse, and he signed all his money to the nurse. Louise had to rent part of her house out to a student just to keep the home.
Make sure your father has his finances in order.
This is definitely a wake up call that finances need to be protected from scumbag "professionals" and everybody else too.
This new 'girlfriend' is likely a short term thing while mom is gone, that's my call. But according to your past posts, your mom has been sick for the past 20 years, so dad probably will want to move on once she passes. I agree with you that it's inappropriate for him to be acting this way while mom is out of sight and apparently out of mind..........:( and I'm sorry you're getting hit with a double whammy here. You don't say if dad suffers from dementia? If he does, then his mind is not working clearly enough for him to realize his actions are inappropriate. Many men with dementia/Alzheimer's develop a very strong sexual urge, which can override everything else in their life. #Truth. If you find that your father is behaving in such a manner, please contact his PCP b/c there are medications available for what's known as ISB or Inappropriate Sexual Behavior. Not to say that's the case with dad, but just on the off chance it is, I wanted to throw that out there.
Wishing you the best of luck with all you have on your plate. Sending you a hug too, and a prayer for peace.
That said, there are a wide range of reasons for this to happen that may or may not include:
1. Your father's brain is changing and his awareness of his behavior is lacking
2. Your father is grieving and we don't always grief appropriately.
3. Your father may have stumbled upon a predator in the AL who is driving this behavior.
4. (I offer this gently) Maybe this isn't a new relationship or a new pattern for your father, just new to you.
I would tend to suggest that you do your best to stay focused on your mom for your own sense of closure with her. Be prepared with your personal boundaries about when and how the other woman enters your life. And, give yourself time to circle back to analyzing and identifying what is going on with your father later.
She would have been so embarrassed, if she could have understood what she was doing.
And its pretty pathetic that your dad has a girlfriend when his wife is in the process of dying. I wonder how yecwould feel if this situation was reversed. I would stop visiting dad right now and focus on mom. If he's capable of having a girlfriend let her assist him with things he needs.
Sounds like dad has a broken brain and doesn't fully grasp the whole situation.
How long has your mom required a high level of care (I am assuming that Hospice is due to a long term illness, or simply aging)?
Not to be rude, but I could see my DH doing this. He doesn't 'adult' well and needs me for far more than he realizes. Maybe dad is just afraid of being alone and is making sure he ISN'T. I have heard of this exact situation many times.
Also, single men to single women ratio is vastly unequal. When mom would go to the Sr Center she told me that there were 2-3 men for every 10 women. These men were usually married, but the single ones were like bees to honey. The ladies there were practically coming to blows over the one or two single men.
It probably makes you feel bad--and I would too, if I were in your situation, but I also know of the need that people have to simply have a connection with someone. Doesn't mean he doesn't/didn't love your mom. Just, probably, he's pre-grieving and kind of jumping the gun on it.
Is your mom aware of this situation? I wouldn't say anything to her, if she's not cognizant. I'd probably be a little miffed at my dad, but I'd talk to him and let him know how I felt, then I'd let it go.