My 85-year-old mom is fearful to be alone at night. Advice?

Something else to add to other solutions is a gently scented pillow or stuffed animal? I learned this trick from friends from a trauma & healing conference.

Everyone’s sense of smell is different, but a natural lavender scent can be very soothing. I often wake up disoriented so I sleep with a lavender animal. It’s like being in a garden and is quite calming.

Good luck to you!!

My MIL is also afraid to be alone. She says she isn't afraid, but leave her for 30 minutes to go to the nearest little country store to pick up milk or ice-cream and she starts calling after 5 minutes...Where are you? When will you be home? It wasn't healthy.

I assist her to shower, dress herself (morning and night) tuck her into bed, make sure she's comfortable, being sure to give her hugs and kisses and make sure she hears "I love you. Sleep well. If you need me, just call me".

Her sleep has improved. She has become more calm. Her evening agitation has become less intense. She no longer wanders the house in the middle of the night, afraid to sleep. She doesn't have to search for me because she knows I am near.

Other family members are resenting me now because even at family gatherings.. I do not leave her side without telling her where I am going and I stay within her sight- when she needs something she turns to me first.

I know not everyone can do this, but her bedtime routine is very important. I try to make certain she feels secure and safe.

Cdavis1955: Perhaps your mother's living situation will have to be amended. Also, please speak with her physician. Prayers sent.

Garden Artist has asked some of the same questions that have come to my mind as I have seen this question over the past few days but I see no response.
It sounds simple.
Identify the reason or cause of the fear and maybe things can be done to minimize the fear.
Is she afraid of falling out of bed?
Is she afraid if she calls out you can not hear her?
Is she afraid of someone breaking in?
Is she hearing noises that make her afraid? Seeing shadows?
Is she afraid she will die?

You mention that she has moved in with you. Is this fear since the move or was it a previous problem?
Have you talked to her doctor about it?
Have medications been prescribed to lessen the anxiety?
Is she also afraid during the day? maybe to a lesser degree...
A little more info might help and answering some of the question would maybe get some possible solutions.

I’d try a combination of the suggestions already made – the radio or music on softly, a soft light so she doesn’t wake in pitch dark, a baby doll or a soft toy, bed against the wall and pillows on the other side, something she takes at bed-time to help her drop off to sleep (even half a low strength tylenol usually works for me). These are all cheap and not disruptive. And Alexa sounds great.

My DH put Alexa (alias Hey Google) on, and it bugged me. I finally said ‘Hey Google, I’m going to the toilet’, thinking 'stuff that up your jumper'. It replied ‘That’s OK, I’ll wait’. My jaw dropped! I hope that Alexa is less annoying..

Alexa alexa alexa. I am a paraplegic who lives alone. I fear burglary, and falling out of my shower chair etc. So I have one in every room. I can tell her call parents (she uses Skype I believe) she calls. You can ask for the news. You can say goodnight and good morning and she says good morning back and gives you the weather. You ask for music rare stuff like 1950's sock hop stuff. It's there.
Other option nursing home at 5k at least a month (that is a fancy house with a maid, butler and cook btw so most don't choose nursing home till they don't have a choice and they have to pay that, highway robbery)

Check with your Mom's doctor to assess her condition and what will help with sleep. For example, my own doctor prescribes Trazadone to help with sleep and anxiety.

My mom did to. She was 85 and has dementia. I finally slept with her so I could make her feel safe. I was 66 at the time. Her anxiety was much better then.

Simple answer, if she's afraid - time to make changes. She cannot be alone.

Based on her income, hire someone to stay the night. If a relative or friend can stay at night, do that. Otherwise, she may need to go to facility care (assisted living, etc) to help mitigate the fear of being alone.

Consider an appointment with a geriatric psychiatrist. The doctor can get to the root of her fears and suggest plans or medications to help her.

I'd hire someone to stay with her or put her in AL or other facility so she can be cared for. She seems obsessed with dying alone? Perhaps remind her we come into this life alone and we will leave it alone despite people being around. A geriatric counselor might be of some help? Good luck to you.

This may be silly, but would a lower bed be helpful. Hard to do nursing care. I wonder if they make beds one can raise and lower.

Why not try to get her a dog or cat.

Many times it is not fear but rather loniness.

My mother in law at age 87 now is fearful to be by herself at night. I am constantly sleeping in a recliner to hang in there for the last 9 months. Nothing I can do or say to give her comfort. She fears to fall and no one will be there. I think with the age she is scare that she will die on her own. She will never walk out the house.
Just someone there gives her some comfort, but I know its not a good situation.

More info needed here.

Ashton-Drake.com has beautiful life like baby dolls. I got one for my mother and it is very comforting to her. She sleeps with it.

I read your previous post: https://www.agingcare.com/questions/just-wondering-how-much-your-life-changes-when-your-elderly-mom-moves-in-with-your-family-472771.htm?orderby=recent&page=1�

YIKES! Your caregiving situation sounds awful. Is there no way out of it for you and your H? How did you become the one stuck taking care of your mother?

I am 75 years old with conditions that mean I can die any day now. I also have PTSD. This past year, I have been not just FEARFUL of being alone at night, but FEARFUL of falling asleep. I know that any time now, I can fall asleep and not wake up. So, I keep the TV on with streaming videos, or the radio on so I can hear voices other than my own brain scaring me. Try that. You can make it low so that when she does sleep, it won't be shocking her awake if the characters speak louder than usual at times.

keep some lights on and give her a cute doll to hold.

My mom had night terrors. She was afraid and didn’t want to say why because it sounded crazy and she was aware enough to know it sounded crazy. This was early in her dementia and she was 83. The doctor gave her a low dose of zyprexa and it changed everything to the good. She has blood pressure, heart, hypothyroidism medications but this zyprexa gave her peace. She did gain about 8 pounds but that was worth it since she was not resting well and would get about 3 hours of sleep in an evening. She was wearing a Fitbit and it was very revealing. Now, my mom is back. She has a sense of humor, she is happy to sleep at night and her dementia is more about not having a memory of recent events. So we talk about old memories. We weaned her off the zyprexa one time and all her fears came back. I am grateful for the positive effects and she is accepting of the negative effects (the 8 pounds). 3 hours of sleep was not restorative and she suffered mentally because of that.

This is a common theme with families living apart. Many College towns or University settings have nursing programs/students who are looking for housing.
I know of a person who did this and it was a win-win situation. The elder and the millennial which is usually the case both make out. You can do background checks and see if this works or perhaps 2-3 students working in shifts. Basically housing is an issue all over the nation. I know of a case where a medical student was living in a house with a woman with dementia who wanted to stay in her home her adult children had to work and the medical student needed housing. In some cases with the right personalities this can work. Cambridge/Boston area is doing this just for sheer companionship and to combat loneliness in the elderly and to pair up the college student with I like to refer as an "Elder of Excellence" or "Wisdom".

Does your Mom live alone?
Dos your Mom have a diagnosis of dementia?
Are any of your Mom's fears based on the realities of her surrounds?
Is this the only change in your Mom's mentation, and has it been gradual changes and many?
What does your Mom tell you she is afraid OF? Does she have real fears involving breakins or such?
Is this a sudden, unrealistic uptick in general anxiety and has Mom had a physical that includes testing for UTI?
I think your giving us some further details might be helpful in getting an answer.

Is this a recent development, or of a longer duration?  If the former, has anything traumatic happened recently, especially to someone close?   Is she alone in her room, or in the home?  This could make a big difference in the source of her fear.

What specific reasons does she have for this anxiety/fear?   If you can identify them, perhaps you can address them.

From your profile, I'm assuming she lives with you?   Does she have a room of her own?  Are there windows w/o locking devices?   One method of addressing that is to have someone with a drill make holes in the sides of the windows (old double hung styles) and insert screws; if someone were to try to open the window, it could not be opened any farther than the position of the screw. 

That could present an exit problem though in the event of an emergency, so you might consider an alternate such as the small alarm devices.  Are there any motion activated alarms on the exterior of the house?

There's another  possibility:  from your profile, apparently she faces a number of medical conditions.   If she's anxious about those, it's probably a more generalized than specific fear.   

Do you have relaxing activities planned for prior to bedtime?   No stimulating foods or drinks before bedtime?   Play soothing music at bedtime to help relax her?  What other relaxing activities are in place?  (Definitely no tv watching unless it's of animals, something soothing, but definitely not any newscasts.)

does she have a diagnosis of dementia? Is she expressing rational or irrational fears? My mother cries a lot at night and expresses irrational worries. I’ve contemplated getting medication for her, but I haven’t done it yet.

Can you please clarify that she has or has not had a cognitive exam by her doctor? A person can often see their LO as being "cognitively alert" because they don't know what other signs to look for. If she's sliding into dementia, you will need to know this important diagnosis. My MIL (when in her early 80's) had "apparent competency", which meant that she could give you general answers to general questions and seem "cognitively alert". For example, if I asked her, "How's it going today? How are you feeling?" She'd answer, "Fine" etc. But at her cog exam at the doctor's office, they had her draw the clock face (and she couldn't) and when asked who was the President, what was the full date, she didn't remember. It shocked me because she only lived 6 miles away and I talked to her every single day.

I realize your mom lives with you but when you're not looking specifically for subtle symptoms, they can be easily missed.

Can she tell you why? Anything specific you could find specific solutions for?

Eg Fear of falling out of bed?
Bed against a wall (if possible) & pillows on open side ??

That you won't hear her? Baby alarm ??

If more a generalised anxiety, maybe a chat to her Doctor. To discuss possibility for meds for anxiety but also to investigate. Could be a reason behind it... Sometimes low O2 at night or heart issues can cause panic.

Has she been assessed for meds? Anxiety? It could well be that a low dose of Ativan or Klonipin would fix this without having to go into antidepressants or antipsychotics, which tend to have more side effects.