Mom is temporarily in AL following a hospital stay. She has to keep her door shut to keep out a resident who keeps coming in. The resident also follows her around everytime she comes out of her room.
As far as I can tell, the resident is fine physically, but has some kind of mental issue. I think it's IQ related, but I'm not sure. Mom keeps saying that "his kind" should be in a different kind of facility. I don't know what she means and she won't tell me.
Mom is mentally alert but tends to be anxious. This is freaking her out and she won't let me say anything to the staff. Can they even do anything about it anyway?
How should I handle this? Soon Mom will need to be in AL full time (frequent falls), but if we can't get this guy to leave her alone, she won't stay.
But she regularly complains about a male resident following her, bothering her, "stalking" her. According to her, he said something very inappropriate to her once. It really would have been, if he actually said what she claimed, but nobody else has heard him say anything similar. After listening to her complain almost daily about him, other residents and I suggested she talk to management or call the police (she won't consider the latter).
She claimed she's asked management to keep him away from her. (They really have no way to do this.) This is INDEPENDENT living, no assisted living, no supervision of anything but group activities. They tell her, quite correctly, that he has a right to sit in the lounge, ride the elevator etc.
But I worry about her. A couple of times, at meals, he's passed our table and greeted her specifically, in an apparently non-threatening way. Her response was yelling at him loudly to stay away from her and leaving the dining room without eating.
When he later asked me and a fellow diner what her problem is, we said we don't know, but suggested he just stay away from her completely, since she obviously doesn't want him around.
She has no family, doesn't drive, has only a long-time female friend who takes her shopping, to the doctor, out to eat occasionally etc. I have never met the friend, but I suspect the friend believes her. I'm not sure I do. It's none of my business, but more and more of our meals are being interrupted. I don't know how to help...or if I should even try. I've thought of eating at another table but don't know how to explain that to her kindly. The management here really doesn't care. She threatens to move out but has no place to go. She doesn't seem particularly "paranoid" about anything else. Any suggestions.
The "bad, bad man" is my Dad.
Your mom is in a terrible situation, whatever the facts are.
She tells you about a problem then "not let you" report it? Sounds like you're letting your mom call all the shots. Mistake.... She's drawing you in. Do the right thing and tell the staff. If mom finds out you reported it and doesn't like it, then oh well, she needs to stop telling you. Tell her you're there to help solve her problems.. not to help cover them up.
We live in such times where people get attacked for speaking plainly even if they have no malicious intent at all.
"His kind" to your mother likely means retarded or mentally ill. Is the person following her around young or old? This makes all the difference.
Your mother is totally freaked out. Who wouldn't be? I certainly would.
You speak to the administration of this place right away. Even if your mom doesn't want you to. Demand that this person stalking your elderly mother be kept away from her. If they refuse to do anything about it and brush your concerns aside which so often happens, go to the police and seek a restraining order. Stalking is a crime and is considered one even of the stalker is "special needs" or mentally ill. If the cops show up, the administration at the AL will do take care of the problem.
If something should happen and they knew that you were aware before hand than you gave the green light to the event.
Aside from saying that your mom is anxious you did not make it clear if she is of sound mind. If she is not of sound mind, even slightly, her decision making abilities are not to be taken into account especially when it comes to her safety.
My caregiver friend had a baby cam placed in her spouse's room and while monitoring from her home she called into the facility and reported that a resident, other than her spouse, was in his room going through his things.
It was a benign event but where does trespassing and the possible forms it can take stop?
you can tell the staff not to tell your Mom know you said anything. I have had to do that myself
The facility was aware. They changed the lock to mom's room. They put the new key on a ribbon around mom's neck and of course, all the staff had mom's new key. That was helpful as mom was still somewhat lucid. In short order though, this woman became a major problem and her family was forced to hire an individual caregiver to be with her all the time, And finally, the facility had the woman removed.
Watching an adult holding a picture of you, insisting the photograph is of them, is a very strange experience. I also have to share about the day I was there and the woman threw herself on to the ground because, in her exact words, "they were having f*cking pizza for lunch". Wow!
I contacted the Executive Director of the Memory Care and we had a chat. I told her that mom was seriously worked up over Denny, and asked what we could do about it? I wanted Denny to stop knocking on mom's door entirely. So the ED tried a few things to deter him from approaching mom's door; they didn't work. He was still 'bothering' mom by knocking on her door. So the ED tried pulling a large leather chair in front of mom's door to the point that Denny could not get his wheelchair close enough to mom's door to knock on it. Problem solved. He soon lost interest entirely in my mother and moved on.
If your mother is complaining to you, then you need to contact the administration who can help you, regardless if mom 'doesn't want you to'. I had to listen to that nonsense myself! Mother, if you do not want me to get involved with your issues, then stop telling me what your issues are! Otherwise, I'M GETTING INVOLVED. Period.
My motto is this: all problems CAN be fixed; you just have to talk to the right person and then be persistent. PROVIDING what your mom is telling you is true. So the first course of action is to FACT CHECK. My mother was prone to 'exaggeration', let's call it.........so my first line was to fact check everything she said before I did ANYTHING! LOL. Keep that in mind as you get involved with managed care and elderly mothers in general, esp if there's dementia or cognitive impairment involved, or if your mother is prone to 'exaggeration' like mine was.
Wishing you the best of luck!
If your mother's story can be verified by other resident or by the staff, then admin needs to deal with this.
So they did say this happens often, that they will try to work with seniors and family. However, if this is not working then they do (and did in these cases) address the issue. That won't happen without YOUR input.
Speak to the caregivers in your facility. Tell them that you think that this poor woman is in need of higher level of memory care, and that they must be overwhelmed with attempting care of her with their staffing.Ask to speak to administration. Be calm an cooperative but let them know that they have a person who is disruptive to the norm of care level expected in ALF. Tell them you understand some of these issues, but that your Mother is being very disturbed and you might actually have to move her, something you don't wish to do.
Your Mom doesn't wish to speak to staff, but this isn't really her choice. This is an issue that MUST be addressed, not just for your Mom but for all involved. If you don't wish to speak with staff first, and if Mom would be disturbed, call and make an appt with the admin.
Best of luck and hope you'll update us.