She's lying about all of it. I have convinced her to go to rehabilitation therapy after her having her big toe amputated, but she told me not to pay any bills. Then the house needs a whole new sewer system and now that I am here I haven’t seen him since yesterday. And he was under the impression that she was going to be in the hospital for a long time. She actually thought she was going to come home and I can take her to the hospital twice a day for antibiotics and then physical therapy and then changing her wound. She is going to try rehabilitation. I just feel so alone and I have a feeling that my brother is going to say well you got to leave for thirty years, here you deal with it.
Not sure how it works where you are but start with the PHONE.
Woek your way down the list and Phone mortgage first.
Then phone the others as suggested.
Tell them all you are going to TRY to get your mother sorted with HER monies. (Not yours)
Make some arrangements if you can.
What is your mother spending her money on? You may have to look into that? It she doing something 'on-line'? Gambling, buying, donating?
How well is her freezer stocked?
Temp solution for her toilet situation is a portaloo (or similar). Can you get any help to pay for the septic tank?
FINALLY TAKE CARE OF YOU!!!!
That should be FIRSTLY really. If you are unwell you cannot help them at all.
Keep coming back here and let it all go. No one will judge you whatever route you take.
Love and hugs
That's probably what you need to do. Step back, let that brother help his "fair share," and take care of yourself and your NEW family, not your family of origin. The book Boundaries by Townsend and Cloud helped me find my footing. Talk to your therapist too.
You don't have to be the one in charge of getting mom to rehab. You don't need to be the one in charge of getting a new leach field (something I've just talked to my plumber about, ugh). You don't have to be the one to give, give, give. You deserve a break.
As Surprise said above, do NOT use your own money. JoAnn above also had some great ideas.
You mentioned that the house needs a whole new sewer system. I assume this is a new septic system, correct? Septic drain fields last about 20 years, then a new location is needed. When was the last time the septic tank was pumped out?
It sounds like there is something deeper in the family with the snark from your brother. If you left for 30 years, it was probably needed. The state can take over her care if she truly needs it - medicaid and court appointed guardians come to mind. You make your "no" stick. If she makes an uncomfortable bed for herself, that's her problem, not yours. Boundaries by Townsend & Cloud is a great book; at Wally World and the mega bookstores.
If she does well there with learning how to perform ADL’s and her amputated toe sits is healing well, they may send her home with home care that will teach the family how to administer antibiotics through a picc line (long term IV usually inserted and used for antibiotic administration and pulled when the antibiotics are finished.
I don’t know what kind of insurance she has but hopefully they will pay for rehab in patient and then a number of home care visits.