Mom is 86 with alzheimers. She still lives in her small home but the disease is taking its toll. She has no memory left, says every day that 'Im kind of confused today', can no longer manage her finances, and isolates herself. She also does not believe she has alzheimers, which is common I'm sure. My problem is that by not being open to visiting a day center, she only has me to come around, to visit, do her shopping, etc. Without her memory, she is unable to carry on any kind of conversation so unless i talk, she just sits. I end up trying to fill time talking about something, anything, and its not easy to do for hours. She is extremely stubborn and has been independent for the last 30 years since my father passed. I feel guilty not wanting to spend hours over there just sitting, and shes always quick to say...when will you be back to see me? I dont want to be her answer to loneliness and although everything I read says social activities are so important, she refuses to consider assisted living or any social gatherings. She lives 30 monutes away, which is not far, but ive limited visits to every weekend...and i feel bad that shes lonely but i also dont want to feel guilty that im not giving her more of my time. Does anyone else go through this kind of thing??
Your mom has been independent for 30 years. Yay! Celebrate that "stubbornness" -- many widows/widowers start becoming dependent of their children almost immediately. Bless your mother for not doing that to you. But now she has a devastating, terminal, chronic condition. Her brain is damaged. She can't help needing to depend on someone now.
She is not capable of making decisions in her own best interests. That task falls on you. Sooner or later (probably sooner) she is going to be completely unable to live on her own. You need to prepare for that day. If you have siblings, it would ideal if you can all participate.
The real challenge is that most people with dementia lose the ability to make good decisions long before they meet the criteria for "incompetence" in the legal sense. In order to force her into a safe environment you would need to be her guardian, but your cannot become her guardian if she is not legally "incompetent."
So, start looking for a good environment for her, and start thinking of how you might persuade her to move into it.
I am very sorry for your situation. Please do not "pull away" from her. You do need to protect your own interests and not to get sucked into doing more than you can reasonably do. But she needs someone to make good decisions for her, to save her from the stubborn independence that once was a positive attribute, and help her feel valued and loved.
I lived with my husband's dementia for 10 years. My mother now has dementia. I have some personal experience with what dementia is like. I wonder how my own kids will deal with me if I ever get dementia? I sincerely would not want them to put there own lives on hold for me. I've told them that now, but who knows what I would say if my brain were damaged? But I also sincerely hope they never stop loving me and trying to look out for my best interests. I hope they never pull away.
Because she lived in the country my mother was basically housebound for many years after she lost her eyesight and couldn't drive. Thankfully she developed a network of telephone friends, and she also had a caregiver that came once a week. She never complained of loneliness but looking back now I'm surprised she didn't go out of her mind with the isolation. I often think her quality of life would have been so much better if she had left the farm and moved to a retirement complex, but she was reluctant to make a change and we were all busy living our own lives and content to maintain the status quo.
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