It is killing me and I can't stant that my mom is constantly saying "I want to die." I yelled at her today and said why dont you kill me cause that is what you are doing each time you say it.. She said it all day for 6 hrs and the nurse said I abused my mom by yelling at her... This nurse has been with us a year. My mom was it the hospital 4 times this month and I am her only family.
I can understand it is extremely stressful to hear what your mom is saying. I wonder if you can consult with her doctor about medications. Is your mom depressed? Is her dementia getting worst? Is she in decline?
I know, no adult child wants to hear their mother or father say they want to pass. We just don't. But sometimes in their own way, they are communicating their own unhappiness about their situation and its not torment their adult children. My father also said this after his stroke. I tried to do my best for him. I wanted him to be happy but sometimes old age just takes its toll on people. I sort of wished I went to counselling sooner so I knew how to cope better with this phase of life.
Don't yell at her. Bad idea, for many reasons.
Her brain is broken. She can't always help what comes out of her mouth. Yelling won't make her stop saying it. She's not doing it to hurt you.
Talk to her doctor about medications that may improve her mood. Also, make absolutely certain that she's not in pain. My mom lost the ability to indicate pain accurately. " I want to die" could mean " I'm in dreadful, unremitting pain, help me".
My mom thought she had leprosy last summer. And that I knew all about it and wouldn't help her. It was very sad, heartbreaking and maddening. Sometimes you have to walk away and cry. Or pound the wall, or laugh.
But don't yell.
I think that some of your anger may actually be part of anticipatory grief plus anger at what her brain disease is doing to her. I think it would be helpful to find someone to talk about this with who can help you in your journey.
You mentioned a nurse. Does this nurse just stop in for assessments or does she stay and care for your mom? If she's just there for a little while I'm sure she can recommend an agency that can provide some respite for you. Unlike your mom staying in a facility for a few days this would be someone coming into your home and taking care of your mom for hours or even a weekend in order to give you a break.
When my dad lived with me I found a bed & breakfast 150 miles away. Far enough that I wouldn't be expected to pop in on my dad to check on him but not too far that I couldn't get home quickly if I needed to. My daughter was 18 years old and she'd hang around the house over the weekend while I was gone to make sure my dad was OK. I must have gone off to my B & B 3 or 4 times and it was always worth it.
I agree that yelling at your mom isn't an effective way to communicate but I think it's symptomatic of burnout. I hope you can arrange to get some time away, even just a few hours.
Definitely check for pain, discomfort, hunger, fear, isolation, boredom, or some other thing that is causing her distress, and work with her doctor to see if there is some medication to alleviate her agitation. We all lose it sometimes, I yelled at my mom too, but if it is happening too often it is a sure sign that you are approaching total burn out. I finally realized that despite my best intentions I could no longer keep mom at home, it was not fair to either of us. Placing mom in a nursing home one of the hardest things I have ever done, but for us it was the right thing to do.
I've found an interesting pamphlet about disruptive vocalizations you may like to read
www.ltcam.mb.ca/2015conference/10%20Amanda%20Adams-Fryatt%20Disruptive%20Vocalizing%20Presentation-2015.pdf
It is difficult when all the responsibilities for all on you...but if you are not well and rested you can not care for her...my thoughts are with you...be patient, walk out of the room and take a break..the next time she does it....it is the disease not the person talking.
My mom, who had dementia (no short-term memory) but not Alzheimer's, frequently said she was ready to go. She knew what she was saying and at 97.5, she was ready to go. I would just tell her that we don't get to choose when we go, but we can do our best to keep her as well as possible until that time. And that's what I did until she passed in May. What your mom is saying, in her situation, is very rational. She's not going to get better and I imagine she's ready to go like my mom was ready to go. You may not be ready to have her go and I understand that. If your frustration is from burnout, then definitely get some respite. If it's from some unrealistic feeling that you're not doing a good enough job in keeping your mom happy, then really look at that and put that notion to bed. You can't change your mom's situation right now and you're doing the best that you can. And she probably is ready to go. And that's OK! Give yourself some love and tenderness. This is hard stuff!