I am caring for my 91 yr old Mom, and she doesn't see or hear well, and mobility is very poor, shuffles about. I cannot get her to take showers often enough, and she is lying to me about how often. The hairdresser said she was getting a scalp condition, and she is smelling bad. She lives alone for 20 years, a widow. She will not wear the life alert, or her hearing aids, and can't hear the phone or the doorbell. causing me to have to drive over to her house to see if she's OK, and I can't keep asking the neighbors. Mom will not keep up the maintenance on the house, but has the money to do so. I had to insist she get trees cut down because they're 60 yrs old, and dead and will fall on her house. Three years ago, she was going to have us remodel a part of our house to accommodate her living with us. She changed her mind when she saw the cost. She is from the depression era where you save old tin foil. Her current house has so many issues, and needs some expensive repairs to sell it, but she hates to have remodelers in the house, and to spend the money, but it is just basic maintenance we must do. Her attorney thought that this was a good idea, for her to live with us, as my husband is retired, and I work from home. Her geriatric primary care doctor, suggested it, and my Mom said it was "none of his business" where she lived, but she always liked him , and hes been her doctor for years. He feels her poor walking, and junk mail laying on the floor, will cause her to fall , and then she will be forced to go into a care facility, and social workers then may not allow her to go back to her house. I am the only child, and have the DPOA and am on her accounts for many years. There are no other heirs. I am ready to just go ahead and make the remodeling arrangements, without her permission, because she is not going to get better, and will have a much better and safer environment over at my house. The lack of socialization alone , is not good, There are no other heirs. She is getting the meds mixed up, causing three hospital stays that shouldn't have happened, and multiple blood tests, from the wrong med dosages, and/or skipping, which I could monitor from my house if she lived here. I can't keep driving back and forth everyday, as I run a business, and am not retired. Home health agencies have come, and she tells them I don't need help, and slams the door. It will take a few months to get this all arranged, and she doesn't have any good judgement any more, to understand how much safer/cleaner/ social it will be. Should I go ahead and move forward, since she is not making sound judgement? she doesn't have alzheimers, but bad memory, and sees visions, but the psychiatrist said not to worry about that. I want her to have some quality of life before its too late. I just keep wondering if I should go against her will, but she has no judgement abilities any more, Just sits in front of a tv or sleeps all the time. Is this something I can just do, I know its the right thing, I just hate going against her will, but she doesn't know what's good for her, and I know she will be happier in the end, and get over it. I feel its now or never, time is running out at 91. Any input is greatly apprecialted.! I
I think you'd be much happier to move her to a facility where she can be around others her age and her socialization will not be dependent upon you day in and day out. Get her home fixed up and sell it, if that makes good financial sense. Your mom won't listen to you any more than she does now just because she lives with you. So you'll be beating your head against the wall with no way to get away from it.
My mom is 97 and lives in independent living 1.5 miles from me. I have people come in 2X a day to give her meds, because like your mom, she can't remember to take them. I can add more services if/when I need them. As much as I love my mom, having her with me 24/7 with the TV blaring and her asking me the same question every five minutes would drive me UP THE WALL. We each need our own spaces. She's happy and I'm happy. So that's my 2 cents. Don't do it!
Before you know it, you will be a caregiver working 3 shifts per day, and will burn out quickly which will ruin your health and stall your career. Or hiring caregivers to come in. Plus the adult/child dynamics would show up, with you being the child all over again. That doesn't make for a happy home.
At a senior living facility, Mom would be around people closer to her generation, would have 3 meals a day with her tablemates, a nurse on site 24 hours a day, Aides to help her, etc.
As for the house, sell it "as is" instead of doing any repairs. There are a lot of buyers who like doing fixer-uppers. First hire a licensed Appraiser to give you a value on the house. Then that way when you call a Realtor you will know what is a good starting price for the house. I sold my Dad's house that way. Dad was so happy to say good-bye to that house. Dad moved into Independent Living, then later into Memory Care. He loved it there. Now, clearing out the house is another exhausting story :P
If you remodel the house, you will only get back a certain percentage of the remodeling cost, not 100%. The Home Inspection by the Buyer would be "for information only" on an "as is" sale. If there is something serious with the house, then you might want to get that fixed.
In my Dad's house, if one flushed a toilet it sounded like a freight train was roaring through the house... I didn't want Buyers to think the house was haunted so I got that fixed, it was just a pressure valve that needed replacing.
My late Mom was like your Mom, a team of wild horses wouldn't budge her from her home. And forget about hiring caregivers or cleaning crews, no strangers were going to come in her house. She figure she had my Dad to take care of her. Ah HELLO, you both are in your 90's. Denial, denial, denial.... [sigh]
I would get her thoroughly evaluated - and the one who said the"visions" don't matter needs to be replaced. She needs a geriatric psychiatrist, and possible a neurologist and their teams -OT, and psychologist do an assessment to find out if she is still capable of staying alone in her house. It is best of it comes from a doctor that she can no longer live alone and they can recommend the level of care she needs.
Remember as seniors age they often become incontinent and develop some strange habits around that. They can become paranoid and accuse you of stealing their money and so forth. It can become very stressful. She needs to be out of that house, get it sold, and place her where she gets a suitable level of care and you still have your life with your husband, Believe me it is still a lot of work. Good luck.