How do I deal with my mother, who is mad at me 95% of the time because I don't say something she expects or react in a certain way?
I don't know what to do anymore. I know she is angry with her circumstances (physical pain), and she is majorly depressed (on meds and has been for years for this), but everytime I turn around, she is mad at me and tells me I'm no daughter and that she would never have treated her mother the way I treat her. I am an only child, I have 7-year-old triplets, a full-time job, and a less-than-supportive husband. I am also in counseling myself. I am suffering, physically and mentally, from my emotions and situation, but I can't talk to my mother. She won't listen, so I just tell her I can't talk right now (when on the phone), which makes her even madder. I don't go over there, as often, because of the gloom and doom, and my emotional state. She also lashes out at my dad, who I think is depressed, as well. Advice??
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Barbara.
The fact that I was in the Marine Corps, became a widower at 28, and had to raise my twin boys on my own was irrelevant to her. So were the 3,200 miles between us: she was in The Bronx and I in San Diego. When I did visit I'd give her a few hundred $. All of a sudden I was her favorite son until the $ ran out.
After a few years I had had enough. She didn't want to listen nor talk; just bark at me at the top of her lungs while opening the windows so the neighbors would know what a rotten son I was. "If every time I call or visit you're going to make me feel like s__t and try to turn my own children against me," I said, "then there's no place for you in my life."
Rumor has it she's waiting for me to come by, get on my knees, and ask -- and pay -- for forgiveness. ... Well, making downpayments for someone's acceptance is ludicrous and an indication the person who keeps taking that kind of abuse needs to work on his/her self-esteem.
Parents shouldn't bring children to the world and then charge them for it; and our kids aren't supposed to be a form of insurance against old age. To parents who tear their children down to continue manipulating them till the cows come home, or who resort to emotional blackmail just to keep them at their beckoned call I have one thing to say: YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF; AND GET OFF THE CROSS. SOMEONE ELSE NEEDS THE WOOD.
It IS our job to be the best people we know how to be. That may mean "empathic" but it doesn't mean "punching bag." It may mean "kind and generous" but it doesn't mean "martyr."
One reason we keep trying so hard in one-way relationships is because we really wish we had a loving mother (or whoever). The hard part of all that is recognizing the disappointment that we don't.
Also, the advice about referring to the posts about narcissistic mothers is also very enlightening as it helped me not feel so alone and realized there was nothing I could do about this personality disorder. I learned to let go of a lot by distancing myself. The people at elder services and protective services in the town where my parents lived were my lifeline. Unfortunately, I found that with time, in these circumstances - they only get worse. I developed a thicker skin; but also stress related health problems.
So many of us on this forum understand what you are going through. I know my father was depressed from my mother's mental problems so I tried to reach out to him as much as possible. This was difficult as my mother tried to keep him from me. So, do what you can, you have a lot on your plate and reach out to the elder care community - they are amazing people. Hugs to you and take care.
Not knowing more about your mothers physical limitations or if she is nearby, I am wondering if you asked her to come help out with the children; if she would jump at the chance or if that request would fall on deaf ears? I try to call my parents everyday to "check" on them. This makes them feel secure, and they know I care. Of course I have to listen to their list of complaints, but when I do the calling, it is easier to get off the phone, ya know? I just say the doorbell is ringing, or a child has fallen, or my food is burning on the stove.....you get the idea.
I also try to get by their house once a week. My SIL takes her small sons, who are into everything, and this makes my parents nervous. So, my parents end up talking about my SIL and don't want her to come back so soon. I think that is very clever of my SIL. Listen, you have to do what you have to do. So, try some reverse psychology. We do this all the time with our children, and it works well with our elderly parents also. Best of luck to you.