Hi all I have not been on this site in a while so tonight I came here to vent a few things I am dealing with. First mom is always in a bad mood cant say anything to her unless she needs something done or change the channel on the tv. And I am the only one who cares for her we have no family in our state that we live in and I talked to the family about her but they have not much to say they admire me for waht I am doing I took her out the nursing home 10 years ago. She looked so sad and they but the ankle bracelett on her cause she wondered sometimes ( she does not do that at our home) and since she had several operations things have changed for her and me she had to get the ostomy pouch on and her insides got twisted up and she has a hernia that may need attention ( she is 95 years old uses a walker, hearing aides that hernia well I will keep watch on that to old to go to have a operation. I get tired of how she acts towards me because I am all you got she tells me to get the h... away form her leave me alone ect. She used to go to the daycenter 1 day a week but I cant get her to go its been about a month they have beeb patient with this. I look forward to that day but she refuses to. I am hopeful maybe this week she will go be out of the house. I said a few things that I needed to vent about but the biggest is mom and how she acts towards me. One the other side my son got himself in trouble and may be facing about a couple years in jail hate to hear that told him what he needs to do did not listen to me or his dad i feel bad for him and cant tell his grand mom. And my so called friends have just disappered dont even return a phone call or a text me back I try not to talk only about my mom but they knew that this is where I am at the time they want me to get some respite and I want to she wont leave the house how do I get her to go to respite?. I am 54 years old not a bad lookig woman try to take of myself and i feel sad at times. We just moved to a new place and it took a lot for her to go to respite then she would of been in the way trying to move and all. And I got very ill after the move it was very hard on me but I am still standing and praying that I can keep doing this. It is very hard doing the same thing everyday and the person you do it for is MEAN I told her that and she told me this is what I am to do take care of her I walked away from her. I know she has some dementia but sometimes I feel she plays games with me.I have ran out of things to say I hope one of you read this and give me back any feed back I will be checking and there may be a part 2 later. I have got to go for now got to get up early and excuse any typos that I made have a good night/ day and god bless all of caregivers. Purplerain- :-)
popstark is right, you've got to try and find a way to get some time 'alone' to yourself, so that you can take it easy and get some 'rest' (and re-energize yourself too). Have you thought about 'in home' or a 'residence' hospice care? If you don't want to do it at home where you should be able to go out for a few hours for the individual who comes to help you out, depending on how you set things up with the caregiver, how about placing her somewhere with folks can look after her with the necessary medical 'help' that she needs and while there she could 'meet some folks her own age' (and younger) and enjoy herself too?
My mom before she passed away this past July sounded just like your mom, but thank God she got it together before she left here, and I'm forever grateful to God for that. She did have some o.k. times at the rehab facility, but I had to bring her home because her circumstances there changed drastically, and I preferred for her to be home with me (she had a number of issues as well, and I'd signed her on for at home hospice care, but she passed the same day she was signed up) where I knew she'd 'be at peace'.
Is there a way for you to check out some facilities near you (if you should decide place her somewhere, I BEG of you to PLEASE keep a 'close eye on her, especially when it comes to her medical care', because of the horrors some of these facilities presents but there are some good ones out there too, just do your research though) or contact to 'hospice' organizations to get some ideas and a different take on this? I'll be praying for you and your mom (for us 'lone caretakers' it's truly a tough road to hoe) and I hope and pray that we get some 'good news' from you on this important issue. Take care and blessings to you.
Yes, we all deserve a life, and hopefully the joy of peace and some fun amongst all these complex issues that primary caregivers deal with. It is lonely and a very difficult journey and my heart goes out to you. Try and surround yourself with people that understand and/or have "ACTUALLY" experienced what you are going through...that have been on the "front line". These people will be your best friends, and you will find peace and comfort with these people. As your experience has been a significant emotional sacrifice for you, I also gather you have a wonderful heart and soul. Share with others that will understand. It is in times like what you are going through, however, that you begin to truly understand what the word "friend" really means. May I suggest you try and connect with some quality friends.
You do need a break, and to step back to re-energize yourself and your inner soul. If you can afford to bring other help into your environment, some friendly faces and genuine caregiving people, this will help. However, I would do what you can to find some "quality" places for your Mom to visit, perhaps one day a week to start off with. I personally found it difficult to find acceptable places and/or healthcare facilities that I trusted...and this was from actual experience and connections. I would suggest you consult with those professionals in the medical field that will take the time to understand, and hopefully offer some sound direction, from a medical standpoint, to help in smoothing out the high tides.
Having been there, I believe I truly understand your plight. Keep your head up, but take some time to clear your mind... however you have to implement this, you've got to take some time for yourself. You must try and find some laughter as you wade through all of this..and still have peace in knowing who you are.
Good luck. You are not alone. We care.
Remember that to some of us It's embarrassing to have a bag, use a cane or wheelchair, wear diapers or forget who or where you are....old age it just isn't easy to accept.We see our body aging beyond repair but somewhere inside we are still 20, or 40 or ?
We feel useless, we feel a burden to our caregivers but we can't blame ourselves so we take our anger out on anyone, usually the one that cares for us the most because somehow we know we can trust they won't desert us.
Try this little trick(commonly used by to modify out of control dogs and horses):
REDIRECT when she starts on you. Offer her coffee, start a totally different conversation. It's very difficult for the mind to stay focused on a subject if it taken by surprise.
I use this technique all the time with my 93 year old mom and my animal clients.
Works like a charm.
Your friends are probably avoiding you because: It's scary for them to watch what you are going through with your mother. We all have parents and one day might be facing the same challenges you are now.Most people don't want to think about that!
Plus by caring for your mom at home it may make them feel guilty (if they have parents in a home). You are the goody-goody the adult responsible child we all want to be but can't or won't.
May I say I admire you. You have a lot on your plate right now and as you said you are "standing". You can do this and remain mostly sane.I know you can.