My Mom doesn't remember that Dad died. How do I handle this?

After responding negatory, I'm wondering whether you should go ahead and tell the person that her LO has deceased. She probably won't recall what you said 10 minutes later anyway. But let's say, by some "Ahha" moment she suddenly becomes lucid? Then you're going to be caught in a lie!

Hi Jimmy W,
I always think of the way that parents to be and their extended families await the birth of their children, grandchildren, nieces, nephews, etc. I believe that we all do meet again and that my father, and grandparents are waiting for me now, just as they did 67 years ago. It is a comfort to me to know that they will be there when I get there.

After 45 years as a Believer, my wife at age 80 with AD, still smiles when I assure her that we will see her mother again. I am sure that it is difficult for some to understand this.

Sorry folks, I know this is a sensitive subject but I'd like to get my point across.
1RareFind,
I, too, am a Christian. I believe Jesus' main purpose in coming was to save us by loving us enough to die for our sins, so we can stand before God, the Father, blameless. He is known for compassion, mercy and love. That said, I'd like you to read this from Ephesians 4:29;
"Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen." Do you think Jesus would 'drive home' the "truth" over and over to a person who has had their brain Literally eaten away from Alzheimer's and is UNABLE to process the answer,
then to relive the agony again in a few minutes, just because the commandment says, "Thou shalt not lie"? Jesus was a rule breaker. He threw out traditions and laws of His OWN (Jewish) religion in the faces of the elders, who knew God's word backwards and forwards. Why? Because He taught the principles of Compassion, Mercy and Love as more important than keeping the law. Of course you have every right to do it your way. But, in your steadfast, hard line approach, (take the truth or I'll walk away but I'll never lie), would this be in line with Jesus' message? Remember the saying in the 80's, "What would Jesus do"? I believe He would have compassion on the poor soul that has no brain function and give her an answer that would be comforting to her, to "be helpful to build her up". Compassion, mercy and love trump rules and laws. Have we learned nothing from His examples?
So Ireneskids, answer her with compassion, mercy and love in whatever way that will be "helpful and build her up". God bless you. Many of us are in the same situation.

Mom just passed away a couple of weeks ago however a couple of questions have really brought back the memories this being one of them. After dad had his heart attack she couldn't remember that he was in the hospital. After I would tell her we had just gotten home from visiting him, she would tell me "Well I KNOW that!". 5 min. later she would ask where he was. I would go through the whole story again. THEN, when he came home she just couldn't understand WHY he was in bed all the time. I would tell her "remember mom??? He had a heart attack??" "WELL I KNOW THAT! Then she would turn right around and tell him to get up and take her to eat. That she hadn't eaten all day (which wasn't true). I would try really hard not to repeat myself but when she started getting mad or violent that's when we had to do something. Unfortunately the last straw was her hitting my dad when he wouldn't get up to take her to eat (they ate out a lot before his heart attack). I couldn't care for her do to her temper and she certainly wouldn't take any medicine because she was just fine. Nothing wrong with her it was me that had the problem. She had to be put in a facility with what we thought would be a few weeks just for my dad to recover. That turned into 6 1/2 years. At first she would ask where my dad was and I would say he was at a drs. appt., out of town on business (had been retired for years) or at the bank and would see her in a little bit which she bought most of the time. Every once in a while she would get angry because he was taking too long but then would forget that we had even talked about him. It was too hard on to go see her in this facility and only do it once a month. It sounds awful but she was the love of his life and it just killed him. He knew I was going all the time to make sure she was being taken care of and that made it a little easier on him (he felt so guilty but this tough man that fought on Iwo Jima didn't have the heart to see his wife of 73 years be taken down by dementia). Sorry, I rambled a bit there.....it's called joining their journey. Don't tell her the truth. I couldn't tell my mom that my sister had passed away. It was her daughter but it would have served no purpose except to upset her at the time. When she gets upset tell her he's had a flat tire or running a little late. She will eventually stop asking or getting angry (at least my mom did) and it gets so much easier then. Good Luck and God Bless you and your mom's journey.

JimmyW...Belief or not when you have dementia the brain just does not work and there is reality and then there is Their reality.
A person that believed previously is lost in a brain that may not grasp the idea of believing. Difficult days when day is night and night is day...moments when I am his wife and other times he looks at me like he does not know who I am.
How can one grasp the idea of a loved one is with God when they think the person is still here.
You believe that the deceased person is with God but it is like explaining to a 3 year old what God, heaven and death is.
At some point answering with an answer that will provide comfort and security for the moment is the kind way to answer. Because we all know that within the next 60 minutes the question will arise again.."where is???" and we then repeat the same routine. Why relive the death of a loved one over and over and over if telling them causes pain.
The key to any answer is this.... If the answer does not cause pain or hurt then answer in any way appropriate.

tornadojan: I don't even tell a friend "you could lose a few pounds." Very hurtful since he or she would know it anyway!

Jeannegibbs: That is and was not meant to be the case for all elders as you stated. Damn straight there is damage of some elders' brains! Poor souls!

Thanks for the comments - and the question! - as I am dealing with this now. I appreciate the compassionate, useful responses that serve to preserve the loved one's dignity and peace of mind. To the person who won't lie, no matter what. All bets are off when you are dealing with someone with dementia. Life isn't always black and white. Probably why I would never tell a friend she is grossly overweight, versus "maybe you could lose a few pounds" in the name of "honesty." Honesty isn't always the best policy, especially with a frail person with dementia. Glad to hear that person told the truth, then walked away. Please...keep walking far away from any person with dementia asking that type of question. Wouldn't want you in the position of having to tell a lie. Unbelievable!

The first time my mother asked "where's Daddy?" , I gently told her he had died. Well I realized from the look of confusion on her face that I had made a big mistake. After that, I took my clues from her and tailored my answers accordingly. She often thought my Dad was somewhere in her building (nursing home) so I would say something like "He went downstairs but he'll be back later"
She usually forgot she even asked. Her dementia has progressed significantly so now she doesn't even remember having a husband. They had a story book romance for 67 years and it makes me sad to know she doesn't remember that anymore. Sometimes, I wish she would ask "Where's Daddy?" At least she would still have all those wonderful memories.

I agree with many of the suggestions. My mother does remember sometimes that my father died. Other times she does not. At first, I was not smart enough to tell a fib. When I told her that my father/her husband died a long time ago, she experienced it like it just happened, and she cried so much.Since then I have realized that it is MUCH better to tell a story. She asks me if he's sleeping. I tell her yes, he's taking a nap. She usually accepts that as an answer. I have learned to sort of go along with whatever "her reality" is. Good luck to you. I hope it gets easier for you, too.

It's disturbing that some here think arguing, stalking out of the room, insisting on 'telling the truth/facing reality' , or getting angry at them for 'not listening' when they ask where their loved ones are is the way to go. NONE OF THIS applies to a dementia patient - they have deteriorating brains. If you are very lucky, they only ask you a few times a day, and you can definitely deflect the question: "I saw him go out earlier, he said he was going to go help Phil fix his car......oh, look at the cute dog across the street!". And they are good with that, until of course they forget and ask again! They will ask again and again, and it doesn't matter what you say, whether it's true or not, kindly deflecting and changing the subject is better than getting all het up because they just. don't. GET. It.

It am sad to hear that so many believe that to be with Jesus is not positive. For a non-believer I can understand how you think. I am thankful that at the age of 38, God gave me the Grace to believe. A real miracle. My wife (15 years with AD ) shows no stress, no fear, no worry. She is happy to hear that her mother is with God. She looks forward being reunited one day. Difficult to sell if you do not believe.

I believe that every situation is personal and there is no one answer fits all type of remedy for this. When dealing with a person with dementia or any kind of mental incapacity I think you need to let them be your guide to how to deal with things. Maybe one day telling them the truth will work, maybe the next day it won't and you may have to lie just to spare their feelings. Gauge their reactions on a day to day basis. I know with my Mom some days she seemed really sharp, other days not so much. Take it as it comes is my advice.

Llamalover47, nonsense. At least nonsense for elders with dementia. The reason they ask the same question over and over again is because there is damage in their brains.

IrenesKids: The reason why elders ask the questions again and again and AGAIN and AGAIN is because they're not listening to you! Trust me on this one. They are focusing so hard on what they are going to say, that they DO NOT HAVE THE CAPACITY TO LISTEN!

No need to upset your Mom by telling her something that will confuse or exasperate her. When my mom asks when my dad will be home, or asks where he is, I tell her he is up in NJ visiting his sisters and fixing their cars. He used to run up there for a day or two at the drop of a hat whenever someone needed something, so to her, that is plausible. Find an answer about where he is that would be reasonable based on how old she thinks she is now. Like at the ball field with Billy working on his pitching skills. Or deployed with the NAVY for 6 months.

At some point, you have to put Your own feelings, and even Your own religious beliefs aside (I'm sure that God will forgive you for being Kind to the sick individual), for the sake of the sick mind.

Well the dementia patient might forget "eventually and cry themselves out", until they ask again in 2 hours, 7 hours, or the next day, and the day after that, and the day after that, and on and on. But if you are the one who is LIVING WITH THEM, you can only tolerate this Torment for so long, angering them, causing them pain and grief, so No, it's time to figure out another way, and the "therapeutic fib" is the only way around that, so as not to Torment not only the person, but yourself as well. I doubt that you will go to H*LL for working so kindly, to spare their feelings and your own sanity!

joannes,

I'm not currently but have previously had experience with people with dementia, and the strategy I use is the strategy I discovered works for me each and every time like clockwork! At first with my foster dad, I found myself as a broken record. This got to me so bad I I knew I had to try something else because this was just not working. This is when I thought hit me to just tell the truth and if he doesn't accept it, don't say no more and just walk away. Lo and behold, when I started doing this, it actually worked each and every time!

Then became my very hotheaded elderly friend a short time later, though I didn't know he was that way until later. Much to my surprise, he was actually at one time and authoritative figure not only in the military, but come to find out he was previously a cop! When he worked one of our local carnivals, we ran our carousel, I remembered him very well! I think that throughout his life he was somehow in some position of authority because he was actually ordering people around, even in his home! There was no arguing with him either, you had to shut up around him, everyone who came around to him quickly found out sooner or later, everyone found out not argue with him no matter what! You just had to go about what you're doing or leave the room, so many times we did! There were many times my elderly friend flat out open lay refused to hear the truth, a fight with you over it, and many times it would get very loud, so loud others thought we were fighting! He lived in an apartment complex, and others actually knew him very well, but especially more so did the paramedics, his caregivers and the ER staff. At 93, he still lived alone and had lost his wife only three or four months before moving across the street from me. He never asked where his wife was, but many times toward the end he called out to different people in his sleep. He called out mostly to people closest to him during the end stage, I was one of them and so was his caregiver, and lastly, he called out to his deceased wife and actually spoke to her in his sleep. Toward the end, he seems like he was calling out to her from a distance. From what he previously described, I knew she was in heaven, I just knew! Apparently she was busy in this place in his dream doing whatever it is she was doing, something came across to me but she was with a group, but I don't know where that thought came from but apparently it may have been right. Many times I stayed with him until he fell asleep, he even got me an extra bed hoping I would stay the night. Both beds were set up in his bedroom. He stayed on his bed, and I stayed on mine across the big bedroom.

I felt kind of odd though when he started constantly calling the squad more and more frequently and even very frequently every time he was left alone! Just like me, everyone else had their own lives and had to go home and take care of them and their needs as well as whatever else it is whether or not you had a family waiting at home. Yes, I've dealt with two different people who are at different stages of their lives, both of which developed dementia at some point or another. Much to my surprise though, my elderly friend developed dementia much later, or at least when he thought he was developing dementia right before he was forced into a nursing home on his very last frequent squad ride to the ER. It was discovered at some point he was actually bringing most of his problems on himself, we had nothing to do with it and he probably should've been in a nursing home so much sooner, and we all knew it. You could mention the words nursing home to him no more than you could argue with him. He was very hotheaded when he decided to snap back, there was no arguing with him. When he decided to snap back, everyone learned real quick to shut up because he would shout and raise his voice and you just new to shut up and even walk away to keep the peace and save your sanity! This was the only thing to do with both of the people I dealt with previously because they don't accept the truth when the truth is right there under their noses, No matter what it's about whether it be a deceased loved one or something else altogether. Sometimes you just have to walk away and save your sanity and let the person cry it out because they will eventually get over it, I've been there and discovered it for myself and I wouldn't change my strategy for nothing. It's what works for me, and I'd gladly do it all over again!

Perhaps you can say "he had to go away for a while" to help so and so...sounds trite, I know, but you've tried other things.

I wonder if 1RareFind is a family caregiver for someone with dementia and has had to actually deal with this issue? My Dad, at 92 years old, wanted to phone his parents and talk to them. He was sure I was wrong when I said he was the last one in the family living. What I did (because he was my mathematican Daddy who loved numbers right up to the end....) was ask him how old he was now? He could not tell me, so I asked him what his birthday was. That was easy as his was 2/2/1922! He knew that alright. Then I asked him what year it was now, and he was off by a year, but I didn't correct. I just said, well, remember, you take the year it is now, and you subtract the year you were born and you know how old you are. That's how you taught me to do it! So, he figured it out himself, that he was 90+. I didn't push, just let him think on that, and in a few minutes he popped up and said, "Well if I am 91, there's no way my mother and father can still be alive, right?" THEN, we were able to talk about the when's and hows and why that they were not here....and as we did that, he remembered. He didn't grieve at that point, because both parents had died....in the mid 60s for dad and in the mid 80s for his mom. He just wanted to talk about them and we went back to remembering stories from growing up in his parents house and had a great visit after that! My Mom now has Alzheimer's....and is in A.L. My Dad died just a year ago, and with my Mom....I tried softly reminding her that the anniversary was coming up....that it would soon be the end of the first year. She got MAD at me, insisting that she could not believe that I was so wrong....that my Dad had been dead for years already! So it was a reverse situation with her. I don't know why, but it took me by surprise! I did not argue, but I surely did hurt over it, because I knew right then and there, that no way could I share this first anniversary pain with my Mom. She was not accepting it, and I was not going to push it on her.

1RareFind, I am not judging you. I don't know you. But I am judging what you wrote. You put it out there for all to see and comment on. I find it cruel. In my judgment it is not an appropriate way to deal with persons who have damaged brain.

And I can't at all see how my demented mother's inability to remember that my father is dead could possibly in any way push me over any edge. It just makes me sad.

We are not talking here about some mentally healthy person's refusal to admit, say, abusive behavior, or covering up someone else's abusive behavior. That may be a kind of truth you'd want to insist on.

We are talking here about how to treat some person with brain damage when they have lost clear memories of their past, and in particular about a loved one's death.

All "truths" are not equal.

Oh yes, and it's much better to walk away then to come to your wits end and actually snap, and I'd much rather walk away rather than allow myself to be pushed to the edge. I've explained how I deal with this kind of thing and people are attacking me for it and I'm reporting each and everyone of those attacks so please be warned and stop attacking me for what works for me!

dejavuagain, I don't have time to keep repeating myself, I already said what I said and that's all there is to say. I've already had experience and shared it here and I'm not going to say anything other than what I know and what I've experienced and what I've done but actually worked. Believe me, I have a unique strategy that actually works, and what's right for you may not be right for someone else so please don't judge because you don't know me or my particular set of circumstances

1RareFind, what is "truth" to you makes no sense to someone who is literally living in the past. You say that your two experiences ended in the individuals eventually accepting the truth. I have a couple of questions: Until they got to the point where they stopped asking, what was their reaction, i.e., were they shocked or grief-stricken over and over again? Did they eventually stop asking questions because their dementia had advanced to the degree where they believed the deceased person was upstairs or visiting a friend or on the way home or did they simply forget the person altogether?

I'm not drilling you to prove anything. Just curious as to the circumstances attending your experience with dementia sufferers.

I agree Jeanne. Once again you are spot on. It took me a while to learn that was the better approach with my own Mom. Although it was never about anything as serious as someone's death but it all amounts to the same thing. If it's not going to affect anyone's else happiness by telling a lie but keeps your parent comfortable in their own mind, where is the harm.

Yes Jeannegibbs, I completely agree! What if you can't just walk away, what if your Loved one is in the same house, just where are you going to walk away to? There your Loved one sits, bawling their eyes out, and you keep telling them over and over again, that their Husband has died, causing them pain and grief? No way! That's just plain cruelty! I know that I couldn't do it! Sorry, but sometimes you just have to tell a fib to protect their heart!

So, I visit my mother in the nursing home. She has dementia. She knows all of her children and even our spouses. She knows the lady who sits at her dining table and chats with her, but she doesn't know that lady's name. She is wheel-chair bound. Her brain is damaged, but she is sweet and fun-loving and amazingly content where she is.

She asks me when they will be back.
Who is that, Ma?
Your dad and his friends. They went fishing.
Oh, well, I haven't heard when they'll be back. But I sure hope they catch a lot of fish. I remember the fish fries we used to have ... [off on a different memory].
Ma is content, and happy to think about a pleasant time in the past.

OR I could have handled it this way:
Who is that, Ma?
Your dad and his friends. They went fishing.
Mother! Dad died 17 years ago. Most of his friends are dead. He is not fishing. He is never coming back.
Oh no! He can't be dead! We had dinner last night. Oh, this is terrible! Why didn't anyone tell me? It can't be true. etc.
Mother, if you can't accept the truth, that is your problem. I'm leaving now.

Good grief. To me there is absolutely no contest between these two approaches.

It may feel right for others to lie for the sake of someone else, but definitely not for others and I'm one of those other kinds of people. I just don't let myself get into a situation that could be a stress trigger, I've already been there and done that and I'm not going back. I know my limits and I know when to walk away and this is one of those kinds of times when I know to walk away. In other words, I'm one of those kinds of people who will

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