My Mom doesn't remember that Dad died. How do I handle this?

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My Mom doesn't remember that Dad died. How do I handle this?

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It's not that they aren't Excepting of the Truth, it's that their level of diminished capacity doesn't allow them to retain the information for very long, and they keep relieving the pain over and over if you tell them the Truth! I'm sure every person is different in whatever stage of dementia they are in. You have to gage each person, based on whatever level they are at. But "therapeutic lies" are often recommended to people with diminished capacity, and I believe it's the right thing to do in many cases. I understand your reasons for not wanting to lie, but sometimes you just have to for benifit of the person, or cause unnecessary pain to your loved one. That's my take on it.

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Oh yes, and it's not angry to give up and walk away when you can't convince someone of the truth, this is my right to not hang around and stress over a situation I can do nothing about. If someone just doesn't except the truth, there's nothing wrong with just walking away and saying no more about the topic.

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MaryKathleen, don't misjudge me, you don't know me! I have a certain way of dealing with stuff, and I don't have time for BS. I said what I said and I'm not here to fight with anyone so please don't pick a fight with anyone, I'm just sharing my own experience, that's all! Please don't judge me, you don't know me.

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1RareFind. How angry you sound. I feel for you. part of 1 Corinthians 16:14 says, "Let all that you do be done with love." I believe to constantly hurt someone, whose mind is gone, over and over is not love. They can't remember their loved one is dead and for them, it is fresh grief over and over. As a bible reader, I can't believe a loving God would hold it against me to be loving to a person with diminished capacity.

I remember when my grandfather was in his last days, he thought they had rented a house from the Indians and after they moved out someone trashed the kitchen. He believed he Indians were in the street going to hurt him and my grandmother. He cried and cried, because he was bedridden and helpless.

The De Baca County (New Mexico) Sheriff, wrote Granddad a letter telling him he had talked to the Indians and they understood that he hadn't caused the damage. Every time he would start up that nightmare, my grandmother would pull the letter out of the nightstand and read it to him. He would calm right down. How loving that elected official was to my grandfather.

Another time, he thought the Red Mare was hitched to the wagon full of hogs, she was tied up to a hitching post and no one would help them and they were thirsty and hungry. Again he cried, It didn't matter what we said, he believed they were suffering outside.

My Uncle Tut, came up from Texas and said in his Texas Twang, "Why Perry, I sold those hogs, all except one which we butchered and put in the freezer. And I put the Red Mare out in the back pasture". Granddad never mentioned it again.

Tell me how that hurt him or my Uncle Tut's chances of getting into heaven? I don't believe it did.

Anyway, my heart goes out to you, I hope you can find peace in your heart.

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jeannegibbs, I was just making an example because some households are like that at mealtime and I was just using an example that I know and I'm very familiar with. I was just trying to make a strong point on how I handle when someone doesn't like the truth and this was just an example, that's all. If someone doesn't like the truth I let it go at that and I walk away, plain and simple but I'm not about to become a broken record. Either except the truth or I walk away, plain and simple

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1RareFind, My mother never ever said this is what I made for dinner, eat it or go hungry. She said, if you don't like this, help yourself to some cottage cheese or make some peanut butter toast. Since I know you don't like this I made your favorite dessert.

So you and I have very different approaches to how we treat our loved ones. I follow my mom's example. I try not to make interactions about what makes me feel good (telling the truth) but about what will be best for them (hearing something comforting).

Truth is good. Compassion is better. But then, I am not a Christian.

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My dad asks for mom quite a bit. In the early days of his assisted living I would gently remind dad mom had died and then he would remember. Now 2 years later I call it therapeutic lying and say she is grocery shopping, getting hair done or visiting friends. Once in a while during his hallucinations he will see her lying dead outside and then somehow must remember she died but then gets upset that he didn't go to the funeral .

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jeannegibbs, you may be right, but I won't waste my time trying to convince someone and try to feed them a lie. Sometimes the most compassionate thing to do is to walk away and not say anything more, I had to do this with two different people. When someone doesn't like the truth no matter what the circumstance the truth is about, the most compassionate thing to do is say no more and just walk away. As a Christian myself, I'm not about to lie to someone when the truth is truth. If someone close to you doesn't like the truth that someone died, then I'll leave it at that if I can't convince them. I'm just not going to lie no matter what, that's where I firmly stand and that's that! If you don't like the truth, tough, truth is truth and I'm not going to tell someone otherwise. It's very similar to serving a meal, either eat what's served or go hungry. The same goes for being honest and telling someone the truth, if you don't like it, tough, you can't change the facts. Again, I'm not about to lie or feed someone some BS story, that's where I firmly stand and will continue to stand. I had to do this with two different people until they got the hint I wasn't going to give in and start lying. At some point they did accept what I was saying and they realize I was telling the truth. Both of them had developing dementia and even demented people can distinguish between the truth and a lie if you know how to firmly stand your ground and not buckle. Believe me when I say this, I had to do it twice and at some point both people realized I was telling the truth and believed I was telling the truth. It's hard to describe and try to instruct you on a strategy, all I can say is firmly stand your ground and don't buckle, they will eventually realize you're telling the truth and start believing you. My foster dad who was a little worse off with mental decline was even able to realize when someone was telling the truth and when they were lying, and again, my foster dad was pretty bad off!

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1RareFind, truth may be truth but compassion trumps it!

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1RareFind That's pretty brutal, it certainly will become the caretakers problem with that remedy. My step son, same name, as my husband is buried in Arlington Cemetery, I took my husband back there after AD set in all he wanted to know is why his name was on the stone already, he became so upset it took me 45 minutes to calm him. He did not remember his son died in the Navy. Once you provoke the battle be prepared to suffer the consequences, or as his Pshyc Dr says "don't kick the skunk"!

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I made the mistake of telling one of our Aids that my uncle had died (mom's brother) years back, in front of my mom. She was horrified. I quickly backed out of that and said I hadn't talked with in in many years and thought that's what happened. Mom was relieved to believe he was still with us. The next day, she started talking about her best friend, who I know had also passed away about 8 years back. I just went along with the conversation and all was fine. Lesson learned fast!

There is no need for her to hear that your dad has long since passed away. Simply discus happy memories and say he's away on a long business engagement or some other adventure.

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Tell your mum your dad had to work back as the man he woks with could not come in to work so he has also got to do his shift too that is what I told my nan she was ok when I said that she was 96

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I am a Christian too and have a hard time knowing what to tell my mom. But to put her through a heart breaker every time you tell her dad is in heaven or has died is being cruel beyond necessary. No matter how many times you explain it to her she will not remember. Telling her unusual things is not fair either. Just simply say he is resting now and you will see him soon.

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I first knew something was up when Mom asked 'where is Dad? I haven't seen him today' (out of the clear blue sky). I was shocked and (being as he had been dead for years) said, 'well, Dad's not here, Mom.' It got more frequent. She was more annoyed than anything, that he 'was around somewhere' but she didn't see him, or always 'missed him' coming in or going out. She left him sandwiches (her sandwiches I made for her!) putting a note with his name on them. Early on, we did ask if she remembered Dad was long gone, did she remember the funeral? And she got all huffy and said, 'well, of course I remember! But I know he's still in the house somewhere!' Oy. (Dad wasn't the only one in the house, dozens of friends and relatives and co-workers from 50 years ago, and people on tv, too, were all 'sleeping in the back bedroom' or 'down in the basement'.) The only thing to do was deflect. Say, 'I saw Dad drive away on my way over' or 'Dad just went out the back door on my way in, he said he'd be away till tomorrow on a job.' That seemed to do the trick, Mom forgot about it two minutes later. She didn't keep asking over and over and over, thank god.

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If he died, he died plain and simple! I think she's wanting to hear something other than the truth but if she can't except the truth, it's not your problem and you can't bring him back. Truth is truth, and that is that. Have you tried showing her a copy of the obituary or the death certificate? If so, there's no convincing someone who won't accept the truth, and sometimes you just have to walk away when they keep probing despite you sharing the truth. No amount of denial can change the truth

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Once when mom was still living on her own we went to Dad's grave and as I drove away she was crying. I asked her why? She responded that she wondered where he was. Fast forward 2 years, we had to move mom into assisted living. Mom would ask all the time for Dad. I would tell at work,or at home. When she went to the hospital she always asked for him. During one ER visit with her she asked for Dad every 2-3 min. I got tired of answering and told her that Dad had died 17 years ago and the look in her eyes nearly ripped my heart out. I never mentioned that he died again! Always told her that he was doing something and could not come that day to see her. Mom went to heaven to be with Dad in March of this year.

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After a while your mother may feel the loss of her husband, but lose her ability to wonder where he is. That's what happened to my mother when my father died suddenly. She had late stage dementia, and was only able to run through the hospital hall calling his name. I could only tell her that her Benji loved her.

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I like twopupsmom's advice. Simply tell her he'll be back later. My mom, with dementia, will mention she Is going back and live in the 1920's or 30's with her parents. Trying to tell her the truth would serve no purpose and only frustrates me. I'll just say "yes, that was a nice time". One of the most difficult things to accept with this condition is understanding that the person we knew for so many years is no longer there.

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Another response I read about is to ask, "Where do you think he is?" and allow her to formulate her own answer.

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Do not tell her again that he nor anyone else, mom, dad, sister etc has died. She does not know what year it is so cannot accept or figure out what you are saying. A simple he will be home later he's working late etc. you hurt her every time you mention a death as she does not remember that, please don't make it any harder then it is.

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Why don't you make a book of photos and if she can still read, begin the book with his birthdate and date of death? The photos of better times will help soothe the loss and she will grieve just like the rest of us losing a loved one without dementia. Soon her mind will fixate on another dimension.

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I eventually learnrd to respond, "I haven't seen -------------in a while." Then immediately change the subject. Keep doing the same, changing the wording to other vague phrases. Keep it short and keep using the heaven-sent technique of distraction by changing the subject. Keep calm and consistent. Never, ever, tell the person living with dementia that their loved one is dead. If you do this repeatedly, it is not "reality therapy", it is simply ignorance on your part. The person living with dementia will become agitated needlessly.

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Rather on a business trip tell her that he went to the store or had to take the car to be repaired or he went to the dentist or doctor.
All of these "errands" take a while but do not require being gone overnight like a business trip would so you would not expect a call from someone.
Then redirect the conversation.
If she asks again in a while just say he has not returned. When she asks a third time just repeat that he is on an errand. Do not say he will return or give a time he will be back. Like he will be back in an hour.
Each time you tell your Mom that he has died she will feel the death as if it is the first time.

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My wife often asks where is Sal (her mother's name is Sally, but our children called her Sal). It is important that we are believing Christians.
I tell my wife that Sal is with Jesus and that one day we will be with her. That she is waiting for us. My wife smiles and seems to be very happy with this thought.
I am happy with this too.

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I'd just try to figure something to tell her that doesn't upset her, but that works. Since her memory is poor, could you say that he called when she was taking a nap and sent his love? Or, say that he had to text her and then secretly send a text on his behalf or does she know what that is? Or that his cell phone doesn't get reception where he is, but he'll call when he reaches the airport.

I wonder if the explanations you are giving do work, it's just that she forgets what you said, so she keeps asking.

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Please don't tell Mom that her husband has died, she will only morn each time.

The business trip idea is good but if he was the type of person who rarely, if ever, called home [my sig other is like that] then Mom would be angry, I know I would. Think of another reason that you know your Mom wouldn't be angry that he didn't call, like he is busy helping a neighbor, or he's down the street watching football with a friend.

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My Mom doesn't remember that Dad died. How do I handle this?

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